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Judged And Humiliated

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by wish4miracle, Mar 30, 2020.

  1. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    Venting out as I couldnt keep it together.

    I am being judged and humiliated by my own mother(staying with parents due to lockdown and only on their compulsion)while taking care of my toddler.

    For instance, my toddler takes a nap after lunch and gets up at 5.30. I once slept off with her and she got up first. I took few min extra to get up, may be 5 or 10 min. Meanwhile my husband was awake and he wanted to feed her milk which was prepared.

    But my mother insisted him to wake me up to offer cows milk to my toddler though she knows I am still sleeping. She is always under my nose insisting me to do this that for my toddler, passing indirect comments referring me for not being perfect like her (she is not perfect though). She once pulled my eyes back (I was awake but was closing my eyes resting)to wake me up around same time to make me feed her cows milk.

    She even refer my eating saying I eat to my full content and not feeding my baby which is untrue. Sometimes she cuts off my coffee and doesnt bother to leave some food at night knowingly. I shows her disappointment in serving me food. Like I dont get to be fed when I am not feeding her on time and whatever my mom thinks.
    She insist me to give more nuts everyday to my baby but I keep it in limit to avoid constipation. But I am judged and treater bad for everything I do for my baby. She will cook for everyone s preferences except me, she refrain cooking my fav food purposely.
    She thinks I pass time without caring my toddler.

    As every mother do, I feed my baby, bathe her, prepares her food, potty care and play with her.
    I make sure she eats 3 meals and 2 snacks a day. Few days she doesnt take morning snack depends on her appetite.
    I have recently cut down her breastfeeding in the day and feeding only in the night my baby is 19 months old. My mom doesnt supports this decision. She feels I am not caring enough for my baby. She purposely tells the word meant for breastfeeding to my kid during day time and make my baby ask for it. I end up consoling my baby.

    This is happening right from my delivery. Right after my baby was born. I was in deep depression kinda phase in coping up with this. I had c section and I had diahhroea problem once I got discharged. I couldnt breastfeed her due to heavily sore nipple. I pumping it though it was very painful but suddenly I got diarrhoea while doing it. She started yelling shouting in bad words saying I should have stayed in hospital where I would have got treatment and help for handling the tough situation. She doesnt want to help me or go through this. I understand it but she doesnt want to accept it either that she is not okay to help as it will be a bad thing in others view. She scolded me badly for crying for labour pain during my delivery and asked me to shut up. Then I called up my husband to stay with me through the delivery. Finally I insisted months after my delivery that I will take care of my new born alone. Though I was the one who took care of everything right from the start with respect to my baby.

    I always had rough relationship with my mother. Right from my childhood.
    It was very tough. It worsened during my college days, till now it has been like that. Various reasons for it. She resent me all the time. I find everyday difficult and hard to go through this again and again. If I stay away from her to find peace she comes back talking normal after few days but starts this all over again.

    I have a sibling and she is normal around her. My sibling is working so she is discriminating for that as well. I was working till I got married and earned some amount not as my sibling but decent enough in IT. But rill now she doesnt appreciate it, instead she discriminate me that I lead a low life now and then.

    After i confronted her with everyone in my family she stopped doing it for sometime but built her hatred further more against me. For few yrs she dint even care to wish on my birthday. She brought very old glass bangles from my sibling collections and lived on my face that she got it new for my baby shower. She humiliates me discriminates me she resent me. She even once told she dint wish to go for second baby but did only for my father wished for. Think she thought to have a boy and that was her first disappointment in me.

    Sometimes I long for motherly love. I envy people who gets so much care from their moms like how my own sibling do.
    I wish this pain goes away but it never ends.:sob:
    One thing I keep in my mind that I should never be like this to my baby.
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    She is not going to change. You should figure out how to deal with her. If you stay in the same town I would just go back to your own house. Ask your husband to help and being you some ready to eat foods and snacks.
     
    Amica and wish4miracle like this.
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Unfortunately, the ground reality is that there are many mothers like yours. Not all parents are the ideal, supporting kinds like they show on tv or like some lucky kids have. So first come out of the self pity, it’s not only you. And also accept the fact that it’s almost impossible to change her now, she’s been like this for so long. Stop wasting your time and energy into this negativity and take better control of your life.

    Keep your distance, move to your own house asap.
    When she’s being very rude to you, either ignore or snap, whichever works n cut that topic right that second.
    Do stuff for yourself, don’t expect anything from her for yourself, your dh and your child.
    Show and tell that you are unhappy with her treatment.
    Try to have a one on one heart to heart talk with her n see if it helps.
    But don’t expect miracles to happen.

    just stay strong and focus on your family and keep your family away from this negativity too.
    Keep your distance, when she’s back all nice, you be nice. When she starts treating you bad, stop talking to her immediately. Be strong.
     
    sindmani, Topaz49, Amica and 2 others like this.
  4. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Feel really bad that your mother is treating you this way! Whatever her reasons are they are simply not justified.
    You may just be venting here but tolerating resentment from your mother would be the most difficult thing for one to go through.
    I would distance myself from people who treat me badly. Yes it's difficult to distance yourself from your mom but given the fact that her attitude towards you is not gonna change anytime in the near future it's better to distance yourself from her. Don't depend on her for any emotional needs. Carry on with your life and do things which seem right to you and your hubby .
    Try to get back as soon as possible from her place and stay at peace at your own house. Yes take up a job when u r ready! The more you are occupied the less you have time to think about her.
    I guess by ignoring her someday she will realize (or she May never) but there is no point back going back to someone who doesn't care for you.
     
    Amica and wish4miracle like this.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Your husband, you and your toddler moved to your parents' house due to their compulsion? Such decisions are not taken in a split second. You must have taken the time to pack clothes and toddler's stuff, toys etc. At any moment, did you ask yourself why you are moving to their house under lockdown conditions?

    Who cooks your mother's fav food? Do you or your sister ever make your mother's favorite dish? Ask her to rest and take over the kitchen for a day? It's your mother's house. Make your fav food yourself!!!

    When my kid was a toddler, I'd have been happy if anyone made homemade food for me and not whined about their not making my favorite food.

    Agreed that your mother is not the ideal, loving mother, but you have ample means to lessen contact and the associated heartache.
     
    Topaz49, wish4miracle and Sunshine04 like this.
  6. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    If the mother is making all those nasty comments in the earshot of the soninlaw, well.... I have a guess:
    All of that is meant for him. Why isn't that slug coming out to protect his wife ?
     
  7. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    I am trying to figure out for past several years. Somehow handled my situations okay and now still living through.
    We stay in same area but different community. We lived in a different city but she came up with a idea of living in same city so we can help out each other.
    If I dont follow her wish she shows her angry all at once. If I stand back, she backs off and we go in non talking terms for months. Again some situation or family member will lead us to talk again and it will go fine for few days. Then the process repeats.
    I learnt this to get through and somehow moving on.
    But the scars are still fresh and it hurts very badly. More over it keeps adding.
    Anyway thanks malmstrom. I feel little better after letting it out.
     
  8. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Ashley for ur understanding and kind words.
    Feeling better now.
    I am trying to move past the negativity.
    Since I am an emotional person I feel bad for her when she falls ill and feel bad for her own issues. I try out and help her. Then again it happens when I dont go by her words. And importantly her words in my matter.

    If I argue with her, she makes it big. I keep following your idea exactly nowadays. Keeping distance when not nice and be nice when she is.
    I am not able to completely ignore her or throw her out of my life because I have love and gratitude still towards her for all she had done during my early life. She is my MOTHER right. So going by ur idea for now. Thanks again for your kind and encouraging words. Very much needed.
     
  9. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    Exactly anusha, tolerating resentment from someone I looked for and one I love the most and one I thought I can believe and rely on for emotional support is hitting hard for me ever since I start feeling things.

    But I managed somehow to where I am now and still learning.
    As I said my scars are so deep and hurt it never goes away.
    I go back to past things everytime I get hurt. Wounds are compounding.
    I think I need to learn to forget the past accept that it is what it is.
    I stopped being dependent for any kinda support but I was bullied even for that.
    Bright side is I am getting stronger day by day. That's a silver lining in all these hardships. Thanks for ur kind words.
     
    Anusha2917 likes this.
  10. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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