jokes

A British Diplomat paid courtesy visit to Lalloojee.
> During a Garden party at the Palace, he thought of
> entertaining
> Lalloojee
> with the following magic of numbers.
> He said, " Your excellency, Look at the value of the
> alphabet :
> A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
> 21 22 23 24 25 26
>
> Now, look at this Sir, if we calculate together it
> will be :
>
> H A R D W O R K
>
> 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
>
> K N O W L E D G E
>
> 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
>
> L O B B Y I N G
>
> 12 15 2 2 25 9 14 7 = 86 % Only
>
> L U C K
>
> 12 21 3 11 = 47 % Only
>
> Sir, you should look at the final one, which is most
> important.
>
> A T T I T U D E
>
> 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
>
> Sir, do you find it useful?
>
> This magic can work on your people to improve
> themselves, increase
> productivity, and make your Kingdom prosperous.
> Sir, I can arrange to send our experts to coach your
> people. We can do
> it in
> less than a year"
>
> Lalloojee thought for a while; and said,
>
> " I have better formula. See this ......
>
> C O R R U P T I O N
>
> 3 15 18 18 21 16 20 9 15 14 = 111
> %...................
>
> Do you want me to come and teach your people? I can
> do it in less than
> one
> week."
>
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>
> One day a young lady came home from a date, rather
> sad. She told her
> Mother
> -
> "Mom, Tushar just proposed to me an hour ago."
> "Then why are you so sad?" her Mother asked.
> "Well, he also told me that he was an atheist. Mom,
> he doesn't even
> believe
> that hell exists!"
> Her mother replied, "Honey, marry him anyway.
> Between the two of us,
> we'll
> show him how wrong he really is."
>
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>
> Scene: Ajit is watching cricket match of India
> vs.Pakistan.
> Kapil is bowling and Imran is batting.
> Pakistan needs 24 runs in 4 balls.
> Ajit: Rabert Kapil se kehna ek khatarnak Beemer
> daalde aur Imran ko out
> karde
> Robert: Ok boss
> Robert goes to Kapil and tells the message. Kapil
> nods and bowls but
> Imran
> hits it for a six!
> Ajit: Rabert ab Kapil se kehna ek khatarnak Yorker
> daalde aur Imran kaa
> kaam
> tamam karde
> Robert: Ok boss
> He goes to Kapil and tells the message. Kapil nods
> and bowls but Imran
> hits
> it for a six again. Now there are two balls and 12
> runs.
> Ajit: Rabert ab Kapil se jaake kehna ek khatarnak
> out swinger daalde
> aur
> Imran ko catchout karde.
> Robert: Ok boss
> He goes to Kapil and tells the message again. Kapil
> nods and bowls but
> Imran
> again hits it for a six again.
> Now just one ball and six runs to win.
> Robert: Boss ab Kapil se jaake kya kehna hai?
> Ajit: Ab Kapil se kuch mat kehna. Imran se jaake
> kehna ki uski maa aur
> beewi
> hamare kabje mein hai
>
>
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> Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks
> in and asks the
> barman,
> "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
> The barman says "Yep, that's them."
> So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you
> guys doing?"
> Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
> The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
> And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14
> million Pakistanis and
> one
> bicycle repairman."
> And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?"
> Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you!!
> No one would worry
> about
> the 14 million Pakistanis!"
>
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>
>
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>
> Kanjibhai is appearing on Kaun banega Corepati ("Who
> Wants To Be A
> Millionaire") with Amithab Bachan
> Amitab Bachan, "Kanjibhai, you're up to Rupees
> 500,000 with one
> lifeline
> left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next
> question is worth
> one
> million Rupees . If you get it wrong, you drop back
> to Rupees 32,000.
> Are
> you ready?"
> Kanjibhai, "Yes."
> Amitab Bachan, "Which of the following birds does
> not build its own
> nest?
> Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D)
> pigeon."
> Kanjibhai , "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to
> call Ramjibhai."
> Ramjibhai answers the phone: "Hello?"
> Amitab Bachan , "Hello Ramjibhai , it's Amitab
> Bachan from Kaun banega
> Corepati. I have your friend Kanjibhai here who
> needs your help to
> answer
> the one million Rupees question. The next voice you
> hear will be
> Kanjibhai's....."
> Kanjibhai , "Ramjibhai , which of the following
> birds does not build
> it's
> own nest?
> Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D)
> pigeon."
> Ramjibhai , "Oh, Kanjibhai . That's simple. It's a
> cuckoo."
> Kanjibhai : "Are you sure?"
> Ramjibhai : "I'm sure."
> Amitab Bachan, " You heard Ramjibhai . Do you keep
> the Rupees 500,000
> or
> play for the million?"
> Kanjibhai , "I want to play; I'll go with C)
> cuckoo."
> Amitab Bachan, "Is that your final answer?"
> Kanjibhai , "Yes."
> Amitab Bachan "Are you confident?"
> Kanjibhai "Yes; I think Ramjibhai pretty smart."
> Amitab Bachan, "You said C) cuckoo, and you're
> right!
> Congratulations, you have just won one million
> Rupees !"
> To celebrate, Kanjibhai flies Ramjibhai to Mumbai.
> That night they go
> out on
> the town.
> As they're celebrating, Kanjibhai looks at Ramjibhai
> and asks him,
> "Tell me,
> how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does
> not build its own
> nest?"
> "That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."
>
>
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>
> Basanti: Bhag Dhanno Aaj Teri Basanti Ki Izzat Ka
> Sawaal Hai.
> Dhanno : Teri Izzat Gayi Tel Lene, Mere Peeche
> Gabbar Ke Ghode Pade
> Hain.
>
==============================================================
>
> Unki Gali Se Hum Nikle, Ajeeb Ittefaq Tha,
> Phool To Feka Unho Ne, Lekin Gamla Bhi Sath Tha.
>
>
=============================================================
> Wife: Mere Irade Bade Nek Hai, Aap 1000 Mein Ek
> Hain...
> Sardar: Mera Dimag Bada Tez Hai, Pehle Yeh Bata,
> Baki 999 Kaun Hai!
>
>
====================================================================
>
> Makan Malik: Sir 500 Kiraya Hoga.
> Kirayedar : Thik Hai, Par Aapke Makaan Mein Chuhey
> Nach Rahen Hain.
> Makan Malik: Abe Uloo, 500 Mein Chuhey Nahi To Kya
> Urmila Nachegi!!!!
>
>
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> TC to Sadhu : "Baba kahan ja rahe ho ?"
> Sadhu : "Jahan Ram ka janam hua tha."
> TC: "Baba ticket dikhao.."
> Sadhu: "Nahin hai...."
> TC : "To phir chalo"
> Sadhu: "Kahan?"
> TC: "Jaha Krishan ka janam hua tha"
>
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>
> Sardar was sitting with a Pakistani in Saudi Arabia,
> sharing a smuggled
> barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, Saudi police
> entered and arrested
> them.
> They were initially sentenced to death but they
> contested this and were
> finally imprisoned for life. But, as it was a
> national holiday, the
> Sheikh
> decided they should be released after receiving 20
> lashes of the whip.
> As they were preparing for their punishment, the
> Sheikh suddenly said:
> "It's
> my first wife's birthday today, and she asked me to
> allow each of you
> one
> wish before your whipping."
>
> The Pakistani guy, said: "Please fix two pillows on
> my back".
> But the two pillows could only take 10 lashes before
> the whip went
> through.
>
> Before the Sardar fellow could say something, the
> Sheikh turned to him
> and
> said: "As you are from a big country, and your
> football team and your
> golfers are terrible, and your women skinny (Saudis
> love fat women) you
> can
> have two wishes!".
>
> "Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the
> Indian replies.
> "My first wish is: " I would like to have 40
> lashes."
> "If you so desire", the Sheikh replies with a
> questioning look on his
> face,
> "and your second wish?"
> "Tie the Pakistani to my back", the Indian answers.
>
==============================================================
> What would be changed if Laloo Prasad Yadav becomes
> India's Prime
> Minister rather than Railway Minister:
> 1. National Anthem : Khana Pina Adhik Zaroorat
> hai...
>
> 2. National Attire : Dhoti & Kurta
>
> 3. National Drink : Fresh Buffalo Milk
>
> 4. National Animal : Buffalo, from Bihar
>
> 5. National Sport : Milking Buffalo (AM)&
> Buffalo Race (PM)
>
> 6. Corporate Language : Enlish-va
>
> 7. National Toy : A. K. 57
>
> 8. National Family Planning Policy : Hum Do,
> Humare Nau
>
> 9. National Documentry Film : Laloo Ban Gaya
> Gentleman
>
> 10. National Vehicle : Buffalo Cart
>
> 11. National Recreation : Pro-creation.
>
>
>
>