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joint family woes w/t co-sis & others

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by priya2782, Nov 4, 2010.

  1. priya2782

    priya2782 New IL'ite

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    we hav jt. fam. .FIL,MIL,BIL,CO SIS,her 2 kids,me,DH & OUR KIDS.co-sis cooked up lot of untrue crap abt me behind my back rit abt as our marriage was fixed.MIL likes her & favors her 1st son & hence his family more, so she was very bitter with me initially too,even after i had my child ,they wud try to belittle me,shame me on non-issues,also finding fault wit my parenting & stuff.i never truly fought wit anybody,but can't take nonsense for long.DH wud not move out on his own,wud get frustrated listening 2 wat i hav 2 say, but i hav 2 liv it day after day.
    co sis tends to be all sugary upfront but wud go behind my back to say falsified versions of stuff portraying me negatively. she wud even at times serve food cooked by me taking all the credit.....i cud rant forver ..it'd be endless..so i hav generalized the main issues. FIL is too bossy,they both favor the elder son & DIL more.
    i feel very suffocated at times as i hav no real power , freedom or choice in my personal matters.plz give ur inputs out of personal knowledge & experience.
     
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  2. shrikala

    shrikala Senior IL'ite

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    from my little very little experience i have so far, i give a damn about if my co-sisters say cooked up stuff abt me. i have a threashold that is as long as my husband doesnt listen to all that and comes to fight with me or correct me, which he did and at that point i gave him nicely and said if he is going that route then i also have hundreds of things to say about him that others said to me. lucky he withdrew, if he had continued to taunt me dont know what i would have done. i never told him about anything i talk to inlaws or even parents (courtesy of the advices from this forum and personal exp with one or two incidents :crazy)
    now i dont care who says what about me as long as it doesnt create a fight between the couples. i understand why they could do all this so i dont react. just let it go. they want to be important in the family, so be it, they want all attention, so be it but i wont give them any. they talk abt me as if i am arrogant, lazy, blah blah, i think to myself yes, i am all that to you so stay away from me :biglaugh i talk to them, wish them, appreciate when they do something for me, dont ask them for anything, help them and all that but never slip out anything that they can use to talk abt me, pretend i didnt hear if they say anything to provoke me.
     
  3. shrikala

    shrikala Senior IL'ite

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    about the food, i can eat my cooking and few people loved some of the dishes i make. so i know what i can do/not do. at inlaws house, i have this mindset. i cook for me to eat. i dont care who eats my food or what comments they give incl my husband. if he really likes it or doesnt like it then i can do something abt it but not when he is saying stuff just to please mil or co-sis or other inlaws.
    mil keeps telling i dont do anything in kitchen and my husband also blindly believes, once or twice i told him everything i do in kitchen then i felt very silly why i should do this attendence thing. so i stopped helping around in kitchen unless asked for. if i do it on my own it is to make something i feel like having.
     
  4. priya2782

    priya2782 New IL'ite

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    srikala lik the 'devil may care' attitude..but s.t. things hurt & i can't forget or let go,so they fill up my head ..i don't do much with her but we hav to share the kitchen together,she keeps making things difficult. i hate it when she hogs my credit , falsely showing she labored over it...i never really had a problem with her initially ..but how long can i get along with her knowing she's jealous of me ,my kids,doesn't respect my hubby & fabricates all kinds of stories for her gain...it bugs
     
  5. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    when someone praises the food you made and you see her taking credit, why dont you say in front of everyone 'Oh I was the one who made that..' or just comment 'wow, one makes it and the other gets all the credits..' or if you want only your co-sis to feel bad (even if she doesnt, dont care), just say 'wow, didi you have made it so well..' you also praise her for the food YOU made.. if she still wants to act, go ahead and ask her to share the recipe with you (in front of the family).. just keep taunting her.. no one will get the clue except her. BTW, with what you have shared here, I get a faint idea of the situation at home.. the point of issue is you do not get any credits for what ... I dont think you have done your part except talking to your DH abt it.. choose your battles and fight it out yourself.. you should start standing up for yourself.. I dont mean confronting family members but act smartly and take up few issues at a time to address.. dont bend backwards for people.. if you think someone is backbiting abt you.. tell them if you have any problems with me, tell me.. if you talk abt it behind me back, I cannot correct myself even if it my mistake.. if you want to, try to have a hear to heart talk with your MIL.. tell her being in a joint family, you too expect to be given love. if she has any problem with you, she should feel free to talk to you abt it. at one point I told my MIL not to crib behind my back, nothing will change unless I know what the problem is.. only then she started telling me. unless you layout your expectations, voice out your opinion, talk for yourself, you will be treated as a dummy.. never talk to them rudely (you seem to be a adjusting person), but dont be tooo quiet too.. talk when you have to. dont let anyone treat you as a door mat.
     
  6. priya2782

    priya2782 New IL'ite

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    i didn't take most of it lying down, excepting some thinking it wud create a rift in the family,which was not my goal at the time. itried getting mil to intervene & drill some sense into her but she failed , i guess owing 2 her luv for her son...now we r not very cordial ,coz there is lot of unresolved resentment b/w us, so v r forced to live together but our hearts are apart..that is what makes it dificult 2 get by.co sis keeps coming up with stuff to aggravate the situation or instigate a quarrel.
     
  7. sumanr

    sumanr Silver IL'ite

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    With the little experience in living in a joint family system -

    1. You HAVE to be cool even if others try to instigate you.
    2. Don't bring everything to DH as he MAY not understand from your angle. TRY and keep DH separate from his family and ur relationship with him must be independent of his family. I assume he doesn't listen to them and come back to you complaining.
    3. Be happy by yourself. Whatever happens or not concentrate on you & kids.
    4. Speak out clear and calm ....it is ok if it hurts others sometimes. You have been quiet for long.
     

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