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Joint family - Devrani Jethani relationship

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by workingmom, Apr 28, 2007.

  1. workingmom

    workingmom New IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,

    Just wondering how you ladies have handled ur relations with your devrani. am living in joint family and really passing through a tough time at home.:cry:

    My home has converted to a place of high politcs since the day my SIL has come. These are two brothers.

    I really did my best to maintain gud terms with her since her arrival to family but she didn't show any interest in me or DH. She will behave okay types before inlaws and since 3 months doing lot of buttering of MIL but not great work actually. She boost alot. Sleeps for 3 hours daily and still she is a favourite of my MIL. I come to office, do many other things in the morning except breakfast and upon reaching back without a break i start cooking the compelte dinner myself. Take care of my kiddo, DH. I feel dead tired end of the day :-((( still my MIL changed and doesn't say any word. To the extent that even if am ill i have to cook dinner and if she has slightest problem like headache she will be in her room all the time and MIL will cook on her behalf in morning but MIL doesn't comes for any help to me nor she even ask...anything as courtesy...

    Devrani just concentrates on inlaws and is too curt and rude to us in their absence. I never felt so alone as living stranger within the family. They had love marriage mine is arranged..

    Somehow for last few months the picture of my family totally changed. MY SIL BIL seems to be knowing everyting abt inlaws and inlaws abt them and we stood separate as we are paying guests...

    MY MIL completely supports my devrani though i do equal work at home even after coming from office.

    Few says devrani jethani relation never work except if they live separately...pls share ur suggestions and guidance.

    Even all this home politcs done by my SIL has started effecting my relationship with DH...he says he can't so much abt it:bangcomp:

    Take care,
    working mom
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2007
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  2. workingmom

    workingmom New IL'ite

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    Hello everyone, I thought many of you would relate to my situation and share your guidance and experiences..:cry:

    Feeling a bit sad today:-(
     
  3. JustAni

    JustAni Silver IL'ite

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    Honestly, I don't know how you can do anything without confronting her. You have too...either with your m-i-l or your devrani.

    Yes, I do think that staying apart will help out, as everyone needs their space, be it physically or emotionally. It's ok to adjust for a few months, but not long term. You can stay with your parents-in-laws but not brothers or even sisters-in-laws.

    Talking things out will help resolve differences.

    All the best.
     
  4. mkthpavi

    mkthpavi Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Read your message and felt sad :(

    I somehow believe that the joint family system is not appropriate in today's circumstances.

    Is there some way you and your family (husband and kid) can stay alone - somewhere close by may be?

    Or may be you could go to your parents' place for a month or so. Its summer time and your kid might have vacation too. Things could change when you are away - they might realize your worth / your perspective to the situation might change / your MIL will realize that ur SIL is indeed not an efficient home-maker like you are!!

    Time is the best healer.
    Your SIL may be jealous that you are working / financially independent and is trying to get attention through other means. But you dont have to give up. In fact, the best thing to have happened to you under the current circumstances is that you are working / not with them 24 hours a day!!

    I have not experienced this to the extent you are describing ( to some extent, yes), but I can very well understand your situation. I have seen this happening to some other ladies in my family and I think moving away (even for sometime) can sometimes help.

    In Tamil, we have a saying "Dushataarai Kandaal Doora Vilagu" meaning "Move Far Away from Dusht Log" !!!

    What is DH by the way, referring to your message below?

    Cheers and all the best :)





     
  5. chitrajan

    chitrajan Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Workingmom,

    Having been a working mom all my life and being in a joint family for 10 years (among 6 brothers), I can fully understand your feelings.

    Being the elder DIL, you just do your work as usual, be pleasant to her and never comment on her actions at all. All said and done, you have been doing all the work alone all these days and why expect some one else to share the work. Never ever feel inferior. We working women are doing double shifts === at home and at office and therefore are much much better than others. Just go about your duty and you will see the results for yourself.

    When a new DIL comes into the family, naturally all attention gets diverted to her. Relationship has to be nurtured only with interaction over a period of time. Give each other time to understand each other.

    And one important thing is to accept that all people are not the same. Over time, others will realise the different natures you both exhibit and each will get her due.

    In office, we meet all sorts of people and interact only with those who are nice to us. The others, we just avoid -- same way do it at home also.

    If you can, take a break for 10 -15 days and come back. By then people would have realised her nature. Moving away from your family would mean a strain on relationship and may not be reparable.

    All said and done Patience is the key. But again if things get out of hand, then a heart to heart talk or confrontation is the utlimate solution.

    All the best :wave
     
    3 people like this.
  6. workingmom

    workingmom New IL'ite

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    Hello, thanks for your sharing your experiences. Yes i think with time they will understand who stands where.

    But it is really tough as my MIL stopped the help she used to extend earlier and morever gives me more than her at evening.

    Nevermind, I have faith in Sai, I will do my duty to best of my efforts he will surely help me in this tough time.

    Thanks for all the support.

    Regards,
     
  7. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    For now don't think about your devrani and her relationship with your I laws .

    behave as you were behaving with in laws earlier
    and let time take it course , the initial honeymoon period will come to end sooner than later , don't show your frustration to your in laws .

    iF the house work is not divided or even if it is divided , come late for few days and let Mil cook food , then suggest to get a cook as you are not able cook due to job pressure and all the burden is falling on your mil .
    You take the time to relax and spend time with your dd and dh .
     
  8. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Ppl need to see "date of thread"! More than 7 years old! LOL
     
  9. soni1987

    soni1987 Bronze IL'ite

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    hey..
    If i were in your place, I would have stopped doing any extra work given to me after devrani came, extra work for some days are ok but not every single day...

    1.After returning home, say u are tired with overload of work in office n take a 1 hr nap, or rest in your room. They will not shout at u ..when u are not well.

    2. For dinner, cook something simple, dont make it grand all the time, if asked why didnt prepare grand food, simply say in normal tone that u are not well and are not able to stand more time in kitchen.

    3. Try to go out with friends directly after office, then come home late.. tell inlaws n other u were doing overtime..but tell ur hubby the truth if he is understanding..otherwise ur hubby will be hurt (try n explain him calmly why u doing these things.

    4. Tell ur hubby that ur SIL is innocent n is childish u are being slightly irresponsible to make her mature and more responsible towards house because in future she will also have to contribute towards house, dont say it this in a mean way, tell as if u care for her.

    5. While cooking, in front of ur MIL and BIL (infact all) call ur SIL nicely and tell u r cooking something special for dinner, and want to teach u how to cook it since she dont know...she cant refuse helping u in front of all...when she comes to help u give her job of cutting n all. (give her most of the work)

    6. Every day make some or other bahana to let ur MIL & SIL know indirectly tht u doing this to let them know.. that u want their help for work...

    7. Tell ur SIL nicely in front of all that how lucky she is to not work n sit all day home, and see i am so busy cant spend time with my child...just keep on making sad faces n get sympathy.

    8. U must have seen hindi serials how these vamp bahu behave nicely and smiling from outside and inside they think some tricks... see we are not like that but if people around us are like this .. i think there is nothing wrong in playing some tricks n games unless it doesnt hurt anyone.

    9. Last but not the least... try to be happy n romantic with ur hubby, care for him more and take good care of ur son, always remember they are the most important people in ur family than anyone else.

    All the best
     
  10. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Ladies

    This is seven year old thread, there are chances that OP would have moved out by nowhugsmiley
     
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