Job - My concern or others' ??

lasya11 · Jun 16, 2009

hi to all!!!!

As i commonly observe every women who is married has a strange tale to narrate.but the way it is dealt marks the success in handling the whole case.Sounds easy while typing but very difficult to implement.My saga of marital hiss also began a few years back but till date i have never been able to come out of the whirlpool of confusion,disstress and agony.I always wanted to look my parents in my inlaws but realized both r altogether different.I always wished to stay back home once i had a baby b'coz i know my ability and i always strived to give the best shot in what i do.My husband was also supportive in this issue.All was ok between us till the baby was one year.Then my inlaws sow the seeds of greed in my husband and today i stand at a place where my inlaws do not hesitate to say that i am simply sitting and eating in the house.I do all the chores in the house and be very cautious not to overspend anywhere.frankly our family is better off financially and i see no reason for my inlaws to torture me to earn for the house.When my husband is not aroud they make indirect instances on me saying that their relatives disregard a woman who does not work.Honestly for myself i take care of my kid throughout and do the household chores even if i start working tommorrow i am expected to do the same.....i am completely in a lost world now..i wanted to have another baby but now am at crossroads.They view my morsel of food as a big expense to thier son so with what courage am i supposed to go ahead with another baby.MY MIL says every rupee in the house is theris and hteir son's.My fil sattires at me asking me how long will i sit in the house and eat like this.I f i try talking this to my husband he would only push me to the farthest end saying his parents are never like that.I also never wanted to have an indifferent rag with the elders but am i not suppressing my life to satisfy their expectations.i cant spend anything on my own and till date i do not even have an ownership attitude in the house.where am i?this is the age i can try giving my kid another company if not he is also lost in this medicore life.I do not want to oppose or defend bcoz it only aggrevates the matter.Friends pls share ur views to help me come out with a feasible solution.thanx for reading a lenghty mail.....wishing for few suggestions please..........

-lasya.

Shrikha · Jun 16, 2009

Hi Lasya,

I was also a person who wanted to stop working and bring-up my kid, but I did not plan and now I leave my kid with my MIL and go to work. I am happy you were able to plan well and go ahead with your decision.

Do your in-laws stay with you in the same house? Actually its them who is living on their son's money, you are the actually family for your DH and they are just the extended family.

I feel that you have lost all the courage while dealing with your in-laws day-in and day-out. Even I have been like that until now, cos I felt my DH will not understand me if I complain about my problems. But now I have taken my first step, I have clearly told him that I am not happy in my marriage and hereafter if he wants me to be happy, he should stop backing his mom for everything and think about my feelings also.

Until we remain silent and bear everything we will be victims. If you do not want to work and your DH does not have any issues with your decision, you should not be bothered about your in-laws opinion. If your DH also wants to have a second kid, please go ahead with the decision. Do not give any consideration to your in-laws. If you can ignore their comments its fine, otherwise tell your DH that you will confront them if he will not step-up for you. When the elders do not behave properly why bother about having a good relationship with them?

Other ladies in IL who are even more experienced will surely come up with better suggestions. Do not lose hope.

arthidiva · Jun 17, 2009

Hey Lasya,

Just a quick note.. more later.

It is very easy for the husband to say ' my parents are never like that' they would not have meant like this', etc. It is always the wife who mistakes the PILs. Next time he says that, just ask him 'Do you think I am faking?' or if he still doesnt know that your PILs want you to go to work and also remark that you are eating out of their son's earning.. then why dont you confront them in front of your DH? THis may sound impossible but give it a thought.. When you have dinner ro when all of you are in the same room, just tell to your hubby 'Your parents suggest that I go to work. Shall I start trying?'. See everyone's reaction.

What do you want to do? Be a stay at home mom and take great care of your kids or do you want to work and earn some money so that you 'own' some money for your miscellaneous expenses and save for your kids too. There are many women who work to help families financial situation at the same time have 2 kids and also have some money left for themselves. You can do it too. Think about yourself, your interest, your choices.. Let us know.

lasya11 · Jun 17, 2009

hi shrikha and arthidiva!!!!

firstly thank u so much that ur thoughts boosted some courage in me.Right from the day of marriage my feelings and my individuality have always taken a back seat and i am now tuned to behave "what if something worse happens".Working could have been always a better option to groom myself but with the strange behaviours from the people at home i always hit the speed breaker before taking a decision.If at all the environment was healthy at home i must definetly venture out to work.The scene at home is that my pils do not even volunteer to take the kid to a park.they inturn teach him that staying home is a good idea and switch on the tv for him.Having known their attitudes its all the more difficult for me to leave my son with them.I always wished to bring my son under elders care but if this is the case ?????my dh needs to be cornered for all the worries but i pity him that he is already having too much of it.well i have recently hit an idea of setting up something on my own so that i can avoid major disaster on my ownself.friends just a question did anybody of u feel that u are eating at ones mercy after u were married?atleast our parents did not give food on that basis.the working ones out there can u pls give me hint as to how to balance the finances....like do u give ur earnings to ur spouse or save it for urself?in my cse i am unable to understand whether they are waiting for my salary or its like they want me to go out working bcoz they have seen me enough at home over the last few years.well my situation is like"na udhar ka na idhar ka":confused2nce again thanx folks for pumping some courage and hope.seeya

-lasya.

NandiniGG · Jun 17, 2009

If every women has to earn to run the house to take care of her and her kids then what is husband for?Why to marry and take so many aditional responsibilities then?Whether the girl is working or not working its always the responsibility of husband to take care of the house,kids and wife..at least financially.
I am not saying women should not work ..they must but not with this reason they mentioned.
Anyways it seems greed has overpowered their mind and heart.
There is a limit of greed i mean they expect women do all the household chores...earn money and take financial responsibility of herself and kids as well as ILs.Nobody is smarter than them and nobody is fooler than the women who married their son .I mean if their son was not able to take care of his wife..they should have informed you before marriage itself.right?I mean Why will a women marry a men who can not afford her.
If they force you for job for your your own good thats fine but if they force you for relatives or money you can answer them politely or diplomatically the way you like.
If you can ...look for job and go to some different city for a couple of months taking your son.That way you can get a chance to live seperate also later on.Like other working women you can also arrange some playschools or crutch for the kid.In the meantime your husband can also realize your importance and start raising his voice for you.
If your husband doesn't support you then don't go for another baby.In that environment you will be stuck and will be left alone to take care of both the kids with no help from your husband plus harsh comments from in laws.

Anabika · Jun 18, 2009

Hi Lasya,

I want to address few things here. As Nadhini rightly put it in, it is your husband's responsibility to take care of you financially.

"just a question did anybody of u feel that u are eating at ones mercy after u were married?"

I was not working for 1 1/2 years after I got married and I didn't feel like what you have mentioned. But, I was hestitant to buy little expensive gifts for my parents and my sister. My husband made me understand that we both are one entity and I should not feel as if I am spending his money, but it is "ours". First, you have to understand that you and your husband are one family. Don't even think like that you are eating at his expense. He might be earning financially, but remember you are the one who takes care of the household chores and your kid. Can he pay or Do you expect him to pay back for that? Because, deeds that you are doing can't be compensated by money. It is much more than that. Sometimes, you have to give them right back so that they will understand and won't mess up with you again. Please don't be silent if they say this again, raise up your voice. You are the one who has full rights to spend your husband's earning. Don't remain a victim anymore, stand up for yourself and we are here to support you. It doesn't mean that you have to fight with them, handle them diplomatically.

Please don't go to work if not for you. Please try to immplement what arthidiva suggested, bring up a conversation when you all are there, that way you can make your husband know about their parent's view and vice versa. Make your husband say that you need not go to work in front of your in-laws. It is clear from your post that you both are fine with you not working.

All the very best !!

lasya11 · Jun 18, 2009

hi nandini,anabika!!!

thanx for ur valuable inputs.Well i have been taking up this issue with my dh time and again but every time its a diplmatic answer.as a person he is good indeed but i really wonder how can sons fall prey to their elders' hidden intentions and continue to support them.He says that it is for my benefit that they want me to work.sometimes i feel like teaching them a lesson by working a couple of months and not parting with my salary.and going out of the city is hell impossible as the elders have made it clear that they dont to go anywhere and also not allow us to go too.my dh feels heaven is where his parents and we are.... i really hope to find a way through..its feeling great to have confidence boosting friends like u....seeya...

-lasya.