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Jealous And Dominating- Husband And In-laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Goahead, Mar 14, 2021.

  1. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    My husband has inherited all the qualities of in-laws so I have double trouble . He sides with them for everything , want me to do everything for them and when it comes to my side of the family he measures things and gets very jealous even if I make an extra phone call to my parents sister or brother . Basically he wants it all and same goes for I laws

    what I mean is he wants me to do everything for In-laws who wkkk not even spend a penny on us , who do not respect me at all, wants me to live with them because they are His parents , my parents spends a lot of us , they never take anything from me . But if I call my parents or my sister, my husband gets very jealous and all of a sudden starts calling his family , his sister etc to make up for my etc calls .
    His sister does not even call
    Me at all but my husband wants me to talk to her nicely and treats her just like my sister . I should also not bring up the topic of her not calling me at all because that according to him does not matter .

    I dnt want to do anything for my inalws . I dnt feel obliged at all but my husband forces me to do a lot and also compared my doings for my family to his family . But vice versa does not apply because he is the som and that ******** Indian thing where son does everything and is his reposnsobilty .
    I have started to simply hate my I always family a lot and I dnt want to go back to even making up with any of them . I dnt want to give any other chance to see if this in-laws relationship can improve . I have wasted 15 years and I’m done .
     
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  2. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    Wow 15yrs! :smash2:"Goahead" atleast now and stand up for yourself please. :thumbup:
    You know you cannot change neither your dh nor your inlaws. No point in hating them even if from the core you wish to kill them.
    Kill them in your mind. Just remove these people from your life (except dh ofcourse). Don't talk to them even if your dh insist. Put your foot down and say you can't. 15years is a long time to know each other nd each other's families. Tell him to grow up. He can be in touch with his family and do what he wants but tell him he has no right to force you to talk to them if you don't wish to.

    And even you need to change your mindset. Talk and do whatever you like for your parents and siblings irrespective of what your husband feels or says.

    Don't hate your inlaws. Just be ignorant of their existence and thank your stars they don't stay 24x7 with you.
    In future if such plans are there to stay together, be firm with your dh nd draw boundaries. If they don't respect even that, again, ignore and "go ahead" do whatever you want to its your house and your life.

    Your lifepartner is just a part of your life not your whole life. Make your life busy doing what makes you happy.
     
    drdiva likes this.
  3. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    I cry inside everyday inside .. my husband and I laws are very very strong personalities.. they are not like normal Indian folks . They are 1 in million kind . Very very dominating , consider themselves supreme powers , control freakiest etc etc ..

    I have for sure started to stand up for myself . My relationship with my husband is direct proportion to my in-laws . So basically when I ignore them and do what I want to ,y relationship with him detiorates as well .. drawing this balance is very tough and I have started to hate him as well.. now I blame him more than In-laws
    I do stand up for my family now but because it’s always a fight and not taken nicely , it’s not something that is peaceful . On top of that his family and sister Inlaw do not even respect me and he hates it when I bring it up.. I feel if he cannot protect me , then what is the point
     
  4. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Senior IL'ite

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    Seriously I don’t understand why some people have thick skin and doesn’t even have basic understanding towards another person. Even I got a similar situation but my In-laws and DH has made conditions so complicated and negative that they don’t even talk to my parents much.

    But I understood gradually no matter how good you be with these kind of stubborn people they won’t appreciate our well behavior or kind nature. Coming to personal choices or basic needs, So I felt in recent times that standing on our right or decision is very important. Even if you be good to them for years. They don’t care but even 1 in 10 times if you miss or not fulfilled their ego they behave as if you have done nothing. Especially when we do not have any kind of support from DH.

    For in-laws and DH who does not respect or treat parents low. I sincerely need good suggestions/solutions from experienced people in this forum who are well experienced to handle the situation. As my In-laws/ DH almost feel my parents as slaves, expect to only help and support them whenever needed but don’t give a damn to provide basic respect or support. Issue/ accusations are always started from in-laws end and my or my parents part will be always only done with defending. When they behave rudely or complaint on my parents for silly or petty things (which may not be even an issue in families with healthy relation). They use every possibility to portray as me taking taking side of family members and blame me not being like a standard daughter in law who take their side no matter what. And make the relation even more worse with my parents.

    All your suggestions and inputs are greatly appreciated!!
     
  5. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Your discription sounds like narcissists who raised a narcissist 2.0. Trust me its not an common trait in Indian parents. It will ALWAYS be about them. They would not care if someone just got under a car and dying;but the scratch on them due to a nut from the tyre hitting them is a much bigger issue.

    Absolute zero empathy and they dont get why other people refuse to be their slaves!.. because they are the centre of the universe right?!... They go,"Your mum just has a heart attack, no big deal..my mum has a pimple on her finger, she must be suffering!?!"

    You cant change them. You can only run from them or just change yourself to a person who would not give a shite to their drama. Its unfai that you have to change for their make but they WILL NOT get your point. They will live like narcs and then die like one without considering others perspective.

    Sorry, I am not scaring you, just saying it out. If you think I am in a narc-free world?.. think again.
     
    drdiva likes this.
  6. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    I meant 'not an uncommon trait in Indian parents'
    its always the 'not' that gets missed:icon_pc:
     
  7. sangeeta098

    sangeeta098 Senior IL'ite

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    I have been through the same situation.
    Here’s how I dealt & continue dealing with it -

    Work on yourself. Make yourself strong inside out. Meditate. Connect with God.

    This is the first step of liberation. Wont happen overnight. Once you start focussing on yourself, you will feel the change. Pl. spend some time on this & we will move on to the next step.

    Meanwhile, stop complaining about everyone around you. Just forgive everybody, your husband, your inlaws. You will be at peace with yourself & peace will start reflecting in & around you.

    Keep updating over here.
    If you are frustrated for any reason, pl vent here & move on. Keep smiling at home.
     
    SCA likes this.
  8. Desiindian

    Desiindian Silver IL'ite

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    This happens in most of our houses. I too wonder the same, why should the husband be spared when he is not supporting the wife. We women give up our self respect and ego just for the sake of peace full life for our kids and the men take advantage of this. This happens in my home too. I am also helpless. Like OP has mentioned, I am trying to be emotionally detached from the husband and his mom. OP, I have no better suggestions for you, came here to state that you are not alone.
     
  9. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    I don’t think grin and bearing a toxic home environment is a solution. It destroys your spirit and your soul. But unless you are empowered, you will continue to feel helpless.

    The basis of any strong relationship is trust and being able to communicate. Are you able to talk to your husband about what’s making you unhappy?

    If you’ve tried and felt ignored or put down then I agree with you. You should be done with this shell of a relationship. All the best!
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.

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