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Iyer rituals/formalities from grand parents

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by rpm2, Sep 21, 2010.

  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Why???? Why is it the non brahmin persons responsibility to find about the brahmins persons customs?How about the guy putting some effort into finding out about the customs of the girl he fell in love with and wants to marry.Are you trying to say brahmin customs are more important than the non brahmin customs?Or are you trying to say the girls customs don't matter?Why?..do girls come from the jungle ...brought up by wolves that there customs should not matter.
     
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  2. kanthtx

    kanthtx Gold IL'ite

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    so basically u r angry that they dont spend money on u... that is their call...

    if they asked for gifts, rather than complaining and whining about it, you or ur parents shud have poluitely and sternly refused it... rather u r here blaming them that they dont give u gifts...

    start expecting no gifts and also MAKE a habit of not GIVING gifts forcefully.. that is what u need to strive for...

    rather than blaming them or taking revenge, u and ur parents shud learn to say NO when they demand gifts...

    have u taken any effort to invite them to ur house, or show them u kids...

    u need to learn how to stop the ridiculous gift requests and be tactful in building a relation ship.. u can and shud use ur H to influence his parents and tactfully break their requests...
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2014
  3. kanthtx

    kanthtx Gold IL'ite

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    when 2 people from different castes r marrying, then they shud have the spine to stand up for themseleves and ALSO build a relation with their ILs... it is not about learning and practising blindly each others customs, or bending over ...

    the primary problem of the OP is she is taking the whole concept in a wrong way.. if the boys family has asked for ridiculous gifts then she and her parents along with her H shud have said NO sternly to the requests and cut them off...

    rather she entertained all of them and now she complains that they are not giving her anything...

    rather than get work up on gifts, y is the OP and her H not working on having a relation ship with their ILs and TOSS the whole customs to the side.... which is the right thing to do... ?

    coming here and trying to understand brahmin culture or customs, so that she can use that for revenge is absurd... how is that helping her build a relation?





     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I was commenting about the general view that the non brahmin party should be following the brahmin customs or the girls side should follow the boys customs.Also took offense that all over India...boys customs have to be followed. My posts were general...not specific about the op or the gift giving customs.


    Personally I think any body who asks for gifts has no self respect and is no better than a road side beggar....whether this gift asking is in the form of traditions,customs or expectations...doesn't matter. It is just cheap...no matter who does it.
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2014
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  5. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    I think this thread has pushed YM's hot button. :whistle
     
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  6. JustLikeYou

    JustLikeYou Gold IL'ite

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    Dear YM,

    I guess the point in your quote is, atleast in TamilNadu, region, when a girl marries, she becomes one among the boy's community. Had the girl been a brahmin and the boy being a non-brahmin, the girl becomes non-brahmin. I don't think the poster mentioned that one is superior to other.

    Going back to OP's question,

    Dear OP,

    I believe your frustation comes from your parents gifting you and your ILs a lot and that not being reciprocated. You have to tell your parents to stop gifting ILs, I am sure your parents wouldn't stop gifting your child, you and your DH.

    Don't expect your ILs to gift you. I think that's not right. They don't have to gift you at all, no matter which community anyone in the equation belongs to. Period.
     
  7. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    Customs as one of the earlier posters mentioned, are different even within the iyer community, if from two different states. Even something as simple as the thaali / mangalsutra, and the way it is tied is different. Mine was an arranged marriage, and I am from kerala, my husband is from Tanjavur. When my wedding was fixed somebody asked how we could marry into a Tanjavur family since we will have to give life long. We did not believe it, since the inlaws were pretty decent during initial talks. The only thing they had insisted on was that the thaali should be of their type.

    There is the 1st year seer that is a must for them. But in my in-laws case, they continued asking even after year #1. Finally it was my FIL's older sister who told my parents in front of my in-laws that there was no need to give anything to them since year #1 was over.

    Since DH and I live away from both sets of parents, we have kind of gathered traditions of both sides, integrated them and started our own traditions - closely following the general Iyer traditions. For example, for Vishu we keep Kani in Kerala. That is not there in TN. But even though Vishu and Tamil New year generally fall on the same day, we celebrate both. Keep the Kani, and the food prep is like Tanjavur.

    Same with Vijayadashami. In Kerala, we keep rice and make everybody write HARI SRI GANAPATHAYE NAMAHA on it. There is no such tradition in my husband's family. But this is followed.

    I would joke with him that marrying into his family, I had the same type of culture shock as I would probably have had if I had married into a family from some other community.

    And just as JLY before me mentioned, it is not about always going to the brahmin side. I have a cousin who married a malayalee...she had a typical Nair wedding, and follows all their customs. But the guy is cool. Incorporated her brahmin customs too. Same with my husband's cousin. She married into a Mudaliar family. The boy's side insisted that the wedding be in their custom and that is how it was.
     
  8. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    More than brahmin or anything, the OP seems to have issues with ILs and from the post I do not understand what exactly is the advice being sought...? If you take Iyer and customs out of the picture, it is a case of expectations not being met and demanding ILs-which is definitely an issue for the DIL and not to be down played. However, like YM pointed out, it seems to be projected from a casteist angle.

    Anyway, not sure if OP is going to return to post.
     

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