Iyer rituals/formalities from grand parents

I am not an Iyer neither am I a tamilian. But one thing I can say for sure is there will not be any such custom which stops people from gifting others. You inlaws are misers and hence they must have made up this custom.

Next time when they say they do not have such custom of giving rather only receiving is the traditon then simply tell them your parents side has a custom of gifting people and receiving gifts as well. Now, since there is no 'receiving gifts' scenario for your parents so they are planning to stop this one sided tradition which according to the puranas is the right thing to do.......:crazy

Tell them someone very learned in your parents side very recently told that if they are not receiving gifts then they should STOP AT ONCE giving gifts too as it may harm the person/party ALWAYS only receiving gifts. Tell your inlaws your parents are doing so much favor by not gifting henceforth thus avoiding any major catastrophe in the family..........

Also don't forget to tell your parents this story and suggest they stop gifting your greedy inlaws.

 

I guess Tamil Brahmin families do have this custom or atleast use this as an escape...Im born one n married to one...My in-laws also got me juz 1 saree(they wanted to me to get one similar to my SIL/co-sis...so as a bride I had nothing special) and my parents got me the madisar...in some families, the grooms side buy the madisar but in my in-laws it wasnt so...also for the thirumangalyam, they get u one n ur parents have to get u one...some in-laws offer to get the gold chain for the thirumangalyam but my in-laws didnt...the worst ritual I disliked the most was me falling at my husbands feet n he giving me the madisar as a gift...afterall he didnt buy it but y shud he give it...shudnt it ideally be my parents??
Also, the gals side need to get everything for the groom at the time of wedding(that also includes his toleteries)...my hubby n I had a separate invite printed for us to distribute to our friends n he didnt even bother to take out his purse for any of the wedding expenses...we went alone to purchase our reception suits n he was only watching me pay for the 2 of us...if I ask him now, he says it was you n not ur dad who paid rite...so what difference does it make? Until then I was thinking my dad n my money were the same before we got married...I think about this whenever I feel guilty about not working post-marriage n being dependent on him...he deserved it
Infact even after getting married, my in-laws dont have the heart to buy me anything...they only like to pamper their daughter but when I asked my mom if she would also be like that(I have a younger bro), she said she also will not be v.happy gifting the DIL as much as her own daughter but for decency sake, she would...so that explains the attitude...may be my in-laws didnt bother about that decency...FORGET AND FORGIVE...thats how they are n dont deserve our attention...

 

Wow! this seems to be a universal problem.

I too am a non-brahmin married to a brahmin family. Right from marriage I have noticed that they dint make ANY EXPENSE / GIFT to me as a part of any custom what so ever.

But it not in their custom not to gift. Its just the mentality.

I know this now because, my sister-in-law is getting married now, to brahmin family and her in-laws did the ENGAGEMENT, GIFTER her GOLD, GIFTED her a splendid SAREE. Also, they are buying her madisar, and mangalyam!!! Now, this really made me know of the customs. My in-laws (brahmis) dint do any engagement, nor gifted even a gram of gold!! Which was a big issue for my side cos, they demanded 50 soverigns of gold and demanded a lot more things like bedding, almirah, tickets for my DH to travel from UK for wedding.... But did NOTHING in return.

My FIL one claimed in my house before marriage once that they will give 5 soverign gold. I called them once or twice saying, can we go and ourchase that gold u wanted to gift. once he acted like no signal on phone and next time when I asked in person he acted like he dint hear ME!!!!! :crazy

They gave 1 saree for engagement and 1 saree for grahapravesham, which I have not worn till today, a fact which will speak for its quality and look. They simply need not have given any! :rant

Coming to later on, for valaikappu, they asked my parnts to do it seperately. According to my custom, boy's side should do valaikappu for his wife. But my parents still did. And they seperately did a seemandham again for which they have asked my DH to give money! when a DH side cousin had her seemandham, I had seen her in-laws gifting her a SILK SAREE and one more for POO CHOODAL, none of which my in-laws gave!:drowning
Worst part is, after all they elaborate valaikappu expense on my parent shead, they further went and asked for 7 plates of seer, dresses and even 100 sweets and 100 karam to put in thamboola pai... Even that expense they had to load it on my parents. when I asked, they of course have an answer - IT IS THE CUSTOM!!!! :bonk

More so, they will blame the custom that, "enga side la pazhakkamey kedayadhu"!! All more so, I have to say that my mother is actually a brahmin and all her parents / cousins are all brahmins! (My mom and dad themselves had a inter-caste marriage). So we clearly know what are the customs and what they have to give.

Earlier these things used to hurt me a lot and irritate me. They get lot of gifts from my parents. My parents do all this complying to both sides customs cos it is all anyway for me, inspite of, both me and DH have forbidding them form doing these sooo many times!

Its not in the custom / tradition / family practice, of GIVING and RECEIVING, my dear Its all from the heart.... So simply stop caring for these things, COS THEY ARE IN-LAWS.

If you think ur parents are made to spend attrociously, leave it, let them bleed them. Later on, gift good things for your parents, offer to spend for a vacation for them or if they wont take cash, buy then an inverter /a.c / change their interiors / a nice sofa etc.... , COS THEY ARE PARENTS,:thumbsup

Find peace within yourself and in between u and ur DH. That is all matters in the end.

 

Hi

I can understand the frustration u all must be going thro. I am an Iyer married into an Iyer family. Some of the customs are ones that I still frown upon. In the olden days, engagement was not a grand affair. It was just the parents and elders of both families exchanging 'pakku vethalai' and confirming the alliance in front of the 'ooru periyava' or elders. The bride's family visit the groom's place (laden with gifts of course). The groom's family should serve the bride's family with a lavish lunch. The concept of gifting the bride or groom with clothes was not prevelant. These days, the engagement is celebrated like a mini wedding. In the Iyer families, the expenses are borne by the groom's family. (I m told the bride's family does it in Iyengar families). My in-laws spent quite a lot for my engagement (7 yrs back). They got me a grand saree, a gold bangle, a swarovski set etc... We had to take 'seer thattu' and of course gifts for the groom. They also bought clothes for my parents and we bought for my in-laws. At the time of the wedding, they said that they wanted a grand wedding, as their DS was their only son. (No offers to share expenses). My DH did say that he had told his parents not to impose any conditions etc. The custom normally followed is the bride's family bears the expenses (in some cases even the expense for the groom's family to come to the mandapam). In some families, the groom's family buys the madisaar (in my mum's side, they buy the madisaar), but typically they buy one thirumangalyam, a saree for grihapravesam and one for vilayadal (sister of the groom shld buy this). I got all this, but no madisaar..'enga athula pazhakam illa'...'not followed in our house' was the reply. They also give some other jewelery, though that depends. My in-laws gave me a set...

As for the first year's seer, the bride's parents have to give for every small occasion. Saying that, even the groom's family has to give for the bride. As in for thalai aadi and thalai diwali, the groom's parents should gift the bride and the bride's parents for the groom. These days, is has become 'customary' for the bride's parents to gift them both!! My in-laws and my parents both bought gifts for these occasions..OP, ur MIL is right in saying valaikaapu is done by the bride's family. These days, it ahs become easier to get all this done on the same day - valiakaapu and seemandham. Normally the bride;s parents shld gift 2 sarees, the groom's parents dont (apart from one for poo choodal). They are supposed to spend for this though.

The concept of providing all this 'seer' was to make sure that the bride's parents were involved in the festivities of the groom's family. They were invited to take part at least for the sake of this 'seer'. But these days, the simple logic behind the whole thing has been twisted and are being used for the advantage of the greedy !!

Mythili

 

Dear rpm2,
pls try to understand about Iyer rituals.I read your thread completly what Mythili said is true.thats our tradition.
I can understand that its not easy to follow ours from yours that from 2differnt tradition.
It will be ok in future.don't worry much.