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Its Complicated Once Again :(

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SGBV, Jul 5, 2017.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I've been married for 9 years, inter-religious marriage and our relationship with PILs has always been strained, though it has improved a lot now.

    I've faced all the abuse, cruelty and finally got bankrupt due to PIL's cunning moves. However, I've managed to bounce back, proved it to H, and finally settled in life independently.
    Once we had cut all the ties with PILs, and focused only on ourselves. However, they repented, and initiated a patch up. Initially we were vigilant and a bit hesitant to share anything with them. But with time, things got improved.
    We respect each others boundaries, and live our lives independently.
    It is a very fragile relationship though, but for the face value we are a normal family.
    PILs voluntarily help us, share our burdens with the kids and even shower the kids with loads of love.
    We sometimes depend on them like leaving the kids with them for a session, or expecting them to water our plants when we are outstation.

    It worked for all, and I felt very much settled with this.

    Meanwhile, both my BILs got married, and co-sisters entered the clan through arranged way. Since they are anyway related to PILs by blood, it seemed they are more of a family while we are outsiders.
    They visit PILs frequently, have night outs, go on trips together, share everything, and they behave as if they are united.
    Whereas, we are always left out despite of living in their next door.
    Which is in fact a great relief for me, because I've had a tough time adjusting with them while we tried to interact with them.
    But it always felt bad to be left out.

    Now that our BILs are here on vacation, and this time their behavior and a few incidents happened in their house changed my perception towards their bond/unity.
    Besides, co-sis2 has arranged a girls night out purposely against all the odds, so that we co-sisters can share our thoughts and experiences privately with each other.
    Although these co-sisters have joined the clan since 3-4 years, we have never been close to each other before. All our communications were through PILs or BILs.

    This night out has changed everything upside down.
    The below points were shared by co-sis...

    1) PILs have bad mouthed about me and shared every minor happenings around us (like our fights, kid's issues etc) with BILs family to show how bad I am.
    They said I am the "villain" and "home breaker" and because of me, their loving older son is emotionally distanced from them.
    So, they have constantly asked, rather kept these co-sisters away from me.

    2) They lied about my dowry as if I brought a heavy dowry to the family. In fact I had money, but I did not give anything to them as dowry that time. They in fact lied to us and financially abused us. So after a while, we left those money to them. They considered it as a dowry package.
    So, they ill-treat the other DILs and demand more dowry from them.

    3) They speak high about my career and the salary I get. And also speak volumes about my hard work at home despite of working outside. This way by comparing, they interfere into co-sisters lives by making them work hard and earn high regardless of their convenience.

    4) Regardless of our financial support each month, they say we don't support them. Besides, they said to BILs and co-sisters that they financially supported us a few times using the money BIL2 used to send them.

    5) Their house is built by BIL2 before his marriage, but its been renovated and modified by my H spending a few lacks on that. They have a family land in India too.
    Besides, they have 100 soverings of gold as assets right now.
    They have always said that their house will go to BIL2, and the India land (5 acres in a village) would be given to my H, and all the jewels would be given to BIL1.
    But after the marriages of BILs, our PILs have changed their minds it seems.
    Now that, apparently they told BILs and co-sisters that they plan to donate their house and jewels (most of them) to my DD after their times, as she is the only grand DD for them, right now. They love her a lot too.
    Both BILs are childless for now, and MIL use this matter as a card to hurt them for being childless it seems. But this has never been discussed with us.

    6) PILs have told their neighbors and friends that BIL2 has stopped supporting them after marriage. One of FILs friend has questioned BIL 2 about this, and he is furious on this matter. Because he sends a good money each month to PILs, in addition to yearly lumpsums on requests like wedding, surgery etc...


    Apparently both the co-sisters have gone through abuse, cruelty, discrimination and comparison by PILs at different levels.
    Co-sis2 is talkative and very much assertive, so she did not take these abuse like us. Her H is very supportive to her, so it was easy for her to prove PILs wrong in short time.
    Co-sis1 is going through tough times, and her FOO isn;t that much supportive either.

    Basically I've learned that PILs family unity is not the same what they paint to the outside world. Also, I've learned that PILs can never be happy with any DILs and their sons are slowly learning this.
    I've also learned that PILs create misunderstanding between the siblings by sharing wrong info for their selfish reasons. Thus they prevent us (sons and wives) from meeting each other by making practical difficulties.
    Eg: Each time we tried to meet together for a day/night trip without elders, PILs made barriers and never allowed all of us to gather without them.

    Now that PILs know that we DILs had spent a night together, and probably we would have discussed about everything we knew.
    They also assume that their sons would have learned at least 1/2 of what has happened through DILs, and these sons would definitely talk to each other on this regard.

    Now that the vacation is over. BILs and co-sisters have returned to their respective places.
    I feel betrayed and I am unable to face MIL if she comes home as if nothing happened. I know we had differences, and I wouldn't have reacted had she commented about me by then. But now she is cool with me, and act as if she really cares for me. But her words like "home breaker, villain etc" breaks my heart.
    In fact, PILs avoid meeting us (at least me) now a days. They even shy away from their voluntary responsibility towards the kids (Eg: Taking them to tuitions, playing with them in the eve) to avoid us.
    But MIL pretends as if she is angry on me for brainwashing her other DILs (as if they are innocents) after that night out.
    At least she paints the whole scene this way.
    My H has once warned me to be careful of co-sis as they may leave soon, and act as if they are innocents.

    In fact, I've shared everything happened to me as a new bride at PILs place with co-sisters. Which even triggered the issue.

    In fact, my life with PILs have been very much settled before this vacation. But today it seems we are stuck in a spider net all over again.

    I dont know what I want. It was a vent.
    But I would appreciate any advice to tread my actions carefully from this point onwards....
     
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  2. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    I don't understand why Indians bother with family. Can't it just be you, your husband and your children?

    What's wrong with that?

    This is a naked struggle for power and you need to come out on top. I think it's unconscionable that the elderly wield so much power merely on the basis of sentiment and few acres of land and gold sovereigns.

    You have your money, you don't need any from them.

    Let them know where they stand in the family by completely ignoring them.

    You really need to wash all this poison and negativity from your life.

    Getting rid of these nasty old geezers is the best thing you can do for your mental and physical sanity.

    Grand Parents's love is very important for children but not at the cost of parents' sanity.

    You are lucky that you have a good relationship with your husband and have him on your side.

    Teach that nasty old man and woman a lesson they shall never forget by taking their son away from them.

    Never look at them or utter any kind of word to them ever again.

    Enough is enough.
     
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  3. LakshmiKMBhat

    LakshmiKMBhat Gold IL'ite

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    It is sad. You live independently, that is a plus point. Their understanding is so limited. You have to follow your heart regarding your relationship with them. All the best.
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    We have our money, our wealth and everything of our own. We never got anything from both sets of parents.
    Even now, we have no hopes of getting anything from our PILs. Whatever they have as assets is very very small compared to what we have now, and what we can earn for our kids' future. So, we have absolutely no hope or liking towards them.
    Just that, they made my H fall for their ancestors' land in India emotionally. That land has no market value, but my H has loads of emotional connections with it. So, I let it be.
    The other talks about giving their house and jewels to my DD has never been discussed with us. I am sure, it is a fake promise and MIL made this to divert my co-sis2 from getting their will signed on these properties.
    Co-sis2 is concerned about PILs properties as they are the ones who support PILs right now (major financial support since they live in abroad). While we support them emotionally and physically by living closely. We also support them financially (25%), and we know that according to our cost of living PILs do not need a huge monthly allowance to live.

    I've cut all the ties with them once due to all these nonsense that affected me psychologically. But slowly in these 4 years, I've given up on them. Since they were nice, we had no issues in mingling with them.

    But their words and actions make me re visit my decisions.
     
  5. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks... we live independently and we are far from getting abused by them right now.
    So, that is a plus indeed.

    I never liked them, but felt happy when they changed and accepted us as family. I've thought of maintaining this always; hence adjusted with a few hiccups here and there.
    My kids love them, and I've let them enjoy the warmth of their paternal grandparents.

    Now that, I need time. I need wait and watch how they react before I decide on my reaction towards them.
     
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  6. LakshmiKMBhat

    LakshmiKMBhat Gold IL'ite

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    I am so glad your children like them, their is a different relationship. All the best.
     
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  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    if this would happen :banana::banana::banana:
     
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  8. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear S,
    So sorry to hear that these men women have not mended their ways. It feels like they were waiting for cosis to join the family and then they would spread their venom.
    In desi traditional families, the first bahu/DIL is the worst one, even if she doesn't stay with ILs or she is independent. If she stays with ILs then she is tortured like anything, mostly it lessens her lifetime or gives her mental issues like anxiety, depression. This is a common theme in all desi bahus- the first one is considered the most evil and tortured the most- even if she is a gay/cow like divine.

    What you are experiencing is the same 'first bahu' scenario. In your case, you have a different religion- which is plus and minus. Because of this difference you are more different and create more differences but at the same time you have created some boundaries which are keeping you sane and keeping you well and thriving.

    The first bahu is bad even if she is 60 years old, so at some level, you have to let is slide or learn to live with it. You experienced this first time, so you feel bad but eventually you will be okay with it. No use of confronting anyone. Take what ILs have to give - little time, little space etc and don't fight for rest.

    You are lucky that your cosis are a little bit sane and understand the tactics of ILs. Most women would have just thrown you under the bus and enjoyed their life. But be careful with them, don't think of them as your sisters, or true friend. Over a life span, they might change to rivals or friends. But keep them on talking terms always, try the girls night, message group. Do not let ILs know that they have told you everything. Tell cosis also to not tell ILs about the topics in girls night, and never to support you in front of ILs.

    Know what they are upto, the MIL, still look at her face and keep things the same. Laugh your head off- in your head- on her stupidity.
     
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  9. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Why would all you co -sisters go to night out and gossip about PIL . Gossip is alwAys negative , you should take all that your co-sisters told you with a bag full of salt .

    Who knows they might have gone back and gossiped with your PILS about what all you said in the meeting. They might have their own selfish motive to cause more rift beaten you and PIL.


    Also you have a bare minimum relationship with PIL , you should maintain it for your children
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2017
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  10. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi there is a saying once you put your hand in the hornets nest look out. I know how you feel and will try to give you some advice as same kind of thing happened to me. My IL have hated me from day 1, as I am not the ideal bah and have a mind of my own. They have tried multiple times to break up me and my DH. They just wanted me out of the picture, but funny thing is I have an arranged marriage and they picked me. They even got my DH to dislike my parents and stop spending time with them and tried the same with my child. My DH blindly followed them for many years until they started trying to turn him against our only child. He loves his child and very attached to her. When my MIL started saying bad things about her a few years ago he lost it. We also went to live with them and he saw all the venom and hatred first hand. He now is loyal to my child and I and they are on the outskirts. It even came to him cutting them off for quite some time to get some piece and happiness. Where our stories get similar is that after a few years IL came crawling, begging back and wanted us back in their lives. But this time it was on our terms, and my DH said accept us all or none it all.

    Point here is that we have a coordial relationship with them on our terms. We don't go out of our way to include them in our lives. We know first hand they still talk smack about me and say brutally mean things about me to others as their own relatives tell my DH. But we ignore it all and just maintain a cordial relationship with them. They cannot get in to our hearts and they know it. I am kind to them even after finding out they say bad things about me because I am not emotionally attached to them. They hate me , they love me it makes no difference. AS well, my DH and my child hold them at bay. From outside it looks like everything is fine, but we are emotionally set up so they don't affect us.

    So my advice to you is just get back to your regular cordial relationship but put no value in their love, care etc. They are your DH parents and next door neighbors so you can't get away from them. Do not engage with them on an emotional level, and it does not matter what they say to others about you. They will never stop talking about you but you can chose not to put any value in to their words. I do this now, and it bugs my IL to no end that they know I do things out of being a nice person, but I share no personal space with them or conversation. See if you can do this, if you can great, if you can't then you need to cut them off. You kind of only have two choices. Old people will never change. I just accepted I am the hated one and my DH have laughs over it.
     
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