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Its becoming difficult to stay with Mother in Law

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by dhan1, Feb 10, 2016.

  1. dhan1

    dhan1 New IL'ite

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    Hi Everyone,

    It’s been 4 years i got married since then my mother in law is staying with us. She always dominate me saying that i should listen to her and ask her before doing anything. In my home i feel as if i am a slave whatever she commands i have to listen her and if i raise voice against her that she will create a big drama before her son and a big fight will happen between us.

    I thought i will tell my husband about her mother behaviour but my husband listens my concerns but he will support her saying that there is nothing wrong in listening to her and obeying what she tells me. He is a Mama’s boy for each and every thing he depends on her and she also pampers him as if he is a 5 year old kid. I lost hope from my husband that he will support me
    Also my mother in law for each and everything she will compare me with her daughter that her daughter used to handle each and everything at home taking care of everyone when she was there at home they were very happy. Now also for everything both my husband and my MIL will consult her before taking any decision even if it is like buying a small thing. My MIL in fact ask her to go with my husband for shopping for our home things. I feel very neglected , even if it’s my house I can’t purchase anything for my house with my choice.

    Also my motherinlaw thinks that she is very rich and spends a lot there is no financial control in my house , we are not saving a single penny . If I tell her that we need to save for future she will tell me that they were happy before I came into their life and without saving money. She will tell to enjoy present and live life royally and we shouldn’t thing about future.

    Anyhow I thought problem will be solved once I have a kid at least someone will be there for me at home because both mother and son will stop talking to me after fight but after kid also there is no help these people are same. Every day she will taunt me if I start giving her back she start yelling at me. Its becoming very difficult to stay with these people. Please help me how to handle my situation.
     
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  2. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    OP are you working? If not, you need to start doing that.

    Also, you need to raise your voice until it is heard. Don't stop arguing for what is rightfully yours. Let your H not talk to you after fight. Thats still ok, because you are fighting for yourself. Its hard for mom-son to break the bond and understand that the new member(you) in the family also needs to be involved. My case is similar. For any marriages, functions, grocery shopping, etc, mom-son(my H) decide and go and don't even involve me. There are many such instances. I chose to go silent if it is not bothering my schedule and fight if I am denied any rights. Recently, we had a big fight and today is the first time, my H told me that we(me and him) should go to attend a ceremony. Also, when MIL says anything , just ignore but do what you feel like doing. Don't follow their rules for each and everything. You have some preferences too.
     
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    This is the package of keeping an old person in the house. If it is your mother, you will be more acceptable towards her conditions, that's why SIL can tackle your MIL. But when it comes to DIL/MIL, the clashes happens.

    My mom lives with me. She controls me in every possible way. She things my life will be perfect and trouble less if I follow her advice. She is so critical about any of my own decisions. Which has somewhat made me uncomfortable and stressed about making decisions.
    Sometimes I hide, but can't hide everything while staying together. Even if she learns that I had hidden certain info, she will make me guilt for doing that.
    So, either way you are uncomfortable at your own house if you are living with an older generation.
    Although I am uncomfortable, I never tell my H this way. Whenever he has clashes with my mom, I would only ask him to adjust. But I will tell mom strongly as to how to behave with my H to prevent future problems. But she never heard what I say.
    Not easy to change an old person.

    I can empathize with your Husband. This man can't control his mom, at the same time he can't allow his own marital life to ruin. But for the time being he is taking your position as wife for granted. He will turn back to a sweet husband once his mom is gone forever.

    Why he can't control is because of the otherwise excellent qualities of his mom. Even my mom is the same. She likes me a lot, loves me, treats me always special, cares for me. I will miss her even if she is not around for a second when I reach my home. She is so lively and makes everyone around her very lively. So, her old age nagging doesn't seem to be a life threatening issue for me. Just like how I handle my little nagging kid, I hope I can handle her because I owe to her a lot.

    But I can understand your position as a DIL. Probably you are never cared by MIL, never treated with special care, and you don't owe anything to her. So, accepting her nagging and controlling doesn't make any sense to you at all.

    Find a way to speak this clearly with your husband without any harsh emotions. I did that, and my H understood.
    We as a team enjoy our lives to the maximum, despite of mom's hiccups. When it comes to mom's issues, it is ME, her CHILD face the problem. Not some one else's child.
    Also, I apply a lot of patience and acceptance towards my in laws, so that my H understands the need to do the same when it comes to his in laws.

    Discuss all this with your H. Only he can change your life - no one else.
     
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  4. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, talk to ur dh regarding your feelings
     
  5. share

    share New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I wish to tell you that i am in a same situation as you are and by that i mean I am stuck EXACTLY in a similar situation.After going thru your post i felt you are narrating my story ,the only difference is we have no kids so far.

    going to be 4 yrs to our marriage and still not able to cope up with the old woman is a thing that is yet to see the light of the day...

    All i can say we have to pray God for things to become alright and have patience.Maybe some day things will get sorted out.

    Hope for the best and keep going.....All the best:)
     
  6. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Op, start working , even small job. Keep busy with kid and ur hobbies , save ur money, use it the way u wish, have ur own friends and hobbies and take ur kid outside by ur self like to park or a movie. don't give a penny in the house where u are not considered a part.

    Dont do much chores for ur mil, u do ur kids work and ur work, if mil already taking care of H laundry etc leave it to her. U cook what is needed for u and baby , but cook more quantiy , if they want they eat else leave it. Ignore them as much as possible. Don't give importance to them. As they r not giving importance. Build ur life career wise , personality wise and spiritual side, yoga , and playing with kid , as u have time in hand , and household things they r taking care ( see positive side here) . If u need a thing which they r opposing stand for it and get it.


    If u are complete by urself without they being part of ur life, they get jealous. It is tough to implement as it is ur house, she is dominating. But let them make all chores inside and outside u enjoy the time for ur self and see.
     
  7. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Also when u want something in certain way talk to ur H , without involving ur mil topic, just straight to the point that I want this , or I want to admit kid for this activity like that do straight talk. And tell I want to take decision when it comes to kid or my life. I don't like others intervention, I do things independetly etc u say to him. And implement. Most H will understand if talk straight what u want with out involving his people's matters.

    coming to Savings , talk to ur H never to Mil , she will not involve u in money matters but she want u to keep in dark when it comes to money matters, so u and H go and open some Fd or savings account for kids and ur self.

    ask about this to H and see if for this also he consults his mom or not

    if needed tell him that u r no more a kid, learn to take decisions by urself. It may work for some guys. U need to give this type of one sentence statements once in a while so that they know what they r doing.
     
  8. Dreamer

    Dreamer Silver IL'ite

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    Not to disappoint you but I personally think that your husband will not change his stance on this issue. In my case, my MIL and SIL live with my wife and myself. Been 5 months and MIL is too intrusive in our personal lives. In fact, she asks me about my daily activities too. I have brought it up many times with wife but she tries to calm me instead of talking to her mother.
    I think the best solution is to convince your spouse to live separately. I am trying for the same too. Good luck!
     

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