Its another Indian arranged marriage - need your views

swt.charu · Oct 2, 2012

Guys and Girls...

This is about another Indian arranged marriage...my close family relative is getting engaged in a couple of months and the marriage would be soon after that...
This relative and her parents went the whole nine yards in their groom searching project. They seived the alliances through many criteria (as it happens in any arranged marriage)
the criteria being - job and job security, immediate family composition, their behaviour, the boy's attitude and behaviour, financial security etc etc... of course the smaller details do not come out during the first couple of meeting.
So finally they liked a guy.. almost all of the above points were checked off
will give a list of positives
1) very good education ... very good job.. decently paid.. high job security. In fact through an aquaintence they even verified the job details and came to know that the guy has been doing good and recently promoted... which probably says he is responsible in the job front. he is also persuing higher studies and is quite serious about his career.
2) family has been very down to earth. no dowry what so ever. no demands at all... in fact they suggest not to spend too much on marriage etc
3) guy speaks very less .. but quite friendly
4) no bad habits... like smoking , booz and the like
5) only one sibling (brother) who too is well educated and settled in a good job. the boy has only his mother (father expired long ago) who comes across as a reasonable woman (atleast as of now)
6) boy has bought a house in tier 1 city at a young age... which i feel is a positive thing.
now talking about the down sides -
1) they come across very orthodox and not at all modern...
2) they don't allow free mingling (as in hanging out and stuff) before marriage. boy seems to be ok with this.
3) they have a whole lot of relatives whose opinion seems to have considerable weight in their family's decision making (may be due to the fact that the boy's father expired very early on and this family was kind to dependent on these relatives)
4) they come across as miserly folks ... if we think twice to spend a penny they would think 10 times and finally settle down for cheaper options (including the the spends for engagement and marriage functions)

by whatever little interaction the girl had with the boy... she is kind of upset due to the fact that the guy is not particularly keen in meeting up frequently (at least once in a week?) or presenting her with let's say appropriate gifts (even on specail occasions) etc..
she is kind of confused if the whole thing is going to work out..
My question is this
1) what is your opinion about the whole situation?
2) I want the girl to approach the situation in a very practical way. What are the points that I can guide her with to evaluate the situation fairly?
3) I don't want her to start off her married life with sceptism and negetivity (about the boy and the family) and rather start off with an open mind... so what can make her more positive at the same time provide appropriate guidance and cautions..

Please let me know your views...

smritisinha · Oct 2, 2012

Hey there!

The negatives:

1. Orthodox (no meeting regularly) and stuff
2. One sibling (well setled) + mother
If these are the only people in the house, I mean to live together, I think the meeting regularly thing should not matter much if the wedding is supposed to happen soon. In case, it is not so, there are always options like girls family calling the boy (with family of course) for small get-togethers on festivals, birthdays, poojas, etc. This way, they get time to meet and both the families get to bond with each other.

3. Miserly folks
You say he has bought a place of his own in tier-1 city. Looks to me like they spend on basics quite ok but when it is other than that, the calculations come in. This could be so because the dad expired early and saving more than earning has quite become a habit rather than compulsion.

Surely, it is of concern because it is not easy to change the way of living of anyone at once. Neither the girl not the boy or his family. But if they spend on basics alright, like living, food, proper clothing and some amount of entertainment, than I think this negative can be ignored for the moment.

4. What I am concerned about is : other people's say in the family.

The reason you said is quite probable. But this can create a lot of issues. If someone on his family holds a grudge or something, or they are the ekta kapoor's serial type folks, it can be an issue for the girl.

Every person has a lived their life in a certain manner until marriage. It is not very easy to change to a different kind of mould, especially if the family matters are being discussed with relatives at large. If the relatives are well-mannered and well-behaved and supportive and happy in this family's growth and well-being from what people say, I think there should not be an issue.

There are compromises and adjustments in every marriage. No marriage is like packing bags and going to another's house to start living like own.

What your friend needs to evaluate is whether her PRIORITIES are being compromised in this kind of set-up or is it just a case of 'more favourable' things losing out??

She needs to evaluate very practically whether she can put up with these restrictions? Not impulsively, but a thoroughly thought out decision is required.

swt.charu · Oct 2, 2012

thanks for the response Smriti... I agree differentiating between "basics" and "nice to haves" is important here...

freddycat · Oct 2, 2012

The guy seems to be practical, too matured for his age because he is the man of the house. The girl has some preconceived notion about her marriage life. It depends on her nature, some really adjust to the new life, counting their blessings. Some may feel, they might have lost or taken away from them in the marriage life.

Is she working, independent?
Is she too liberal or still conservative to live in orthodox life style?
Is she willing to live in a joint family?

If she is working independent, material things/gifts expectation may go away, eventually.

Unless, really tuned to accommodate orthodox life style, it will be hard for her.

No point in forcing someone to live in a joint family, if she is not ready.

swt.charu · Oct 2, 2012

she is working... has lived in various places (within India) to study and work... so I can say she is quite independent...

the girl is free to decide (i mean in her home) what she wears, eats, has friends with whom she goes out etc... ok .. not so modern that she will go out late in the night ... or go out of the town for partying with friends etc.... but not too conservative also.

on material comforts... I would say she has been indulged being an only child. parents are not rich but quite well off and all her wish list has been met without cutting corners... not that she is a spend thrift... they as a family are responsible in spending... but not too miser also... for example she will out shopping and come back with not one set of clothes but 4 or 5 sets at a time... not all expensive ones but not cheap also... this is just an example... now in the new set up may change to cutting corners post marriage...

swt.charu · Oct 2, 2012

on the preference for joint family... she does not mind joint family... she has been very friendly, understanding and helping her own family circle (i mean extended familty on both parents side) and is quite famous in the family for her nature... she is that sweet child of the big family who has been cared and is caring...

freddycat · Oct 2, 2012

In my view, she will be better off/happy in a nuclear family setup.

smritisinha · Oct 2, 2012

Hey,

your answer changes the way i look at it. She seems pretty independent or free in spendings, even if not a spendthrift, that it may not go down well with this family post-marriage. I mean the difference is striking that they think not twice, but ten times before spending and she doesnt think twice before buying not one, but 4-5 dresses at a time. Dont get me wrong. No one is right or wrong.

It is each one's own thinking and way of living and looking at things. So what may be general shopping for her, might get the eyes of the family popped out in the new family. Plus, they are not open enough (orthodox, as you say) that a different perspective on things go down with them.

She should go on with the proposal if, and only if, she is ok with compromising with these things.

She should be ready to fore-go certain habits if she wants to marry this guy. If not, no point in plunging and then repenting when issues crop up. We see a lot of issues here on IL, where the major reason for conflicts is different take on things like money and openness to change.

Barnowl · Oct 2, 2012

How about listing the positive and negative characteristics of the girl as well?

swt.charu · Oct 2, 2012

Barnowl said: ↑

How about listing the positive and negative characteristics of the girl as well?
Click to expand...

positives

1) well educated, working
2) very sweet, well mannered
3) gets along with people pretty quickly
4) well trained at home (i mean she is not averse to any house hold chores etc...)
5) is practical about situations in life (but this one major decision is stressing her a bit)

down side
1) only child ... so may be she is over protectecd / pampered by all
2) may turn out to be seeking attention at times
3) emotional / sensitive about things... cries it out and gets out of it soon...then accepts things..
4) has a logical mind of her own... so may challenge what is not right (i know this is not a downside)
5) not very courageous... though she has a practical thinking.. she can't fight it out till the end with people..
6) her parents are quite "involved" in all aspects of her life... this i know could turn out to be a big "no no" in future..