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It’s We Who End Up Alone...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anika987, Feb 13, 2020.

  1. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks to Mindvoice, a poster in IL who replied to a thread..
    “the distance we maintain with in-laws,eventually it is we who end up alone”..


    How true is that!

    When I was newly married,I had no inhibitions and happily went to my in-laws house..I was so thrilled with their first USA trip but only then I got to see their true colors!

    At the time of my marriage,just one hour before I had to walk to the Dias,
    my uncle came to me and said”Just be careful as your MIL is very possessive of her son”.

    I replied “No way! She is just perfect”.

    My uncle just smiled and left...little did I know!

    I was in H4 when I was in USA and to top it I didn’t know to drive a car.Inlaws arrived for their six month visit and we all stayed in a one bedroom apartment at that time..No iPad,no iPhone,no seperate rooms and this was 2005..imagine the nightmare I would have endured.

    I was very innocent at that time and every night I go to bed crying and I didn’t know to even share it with my mom or hubby at that time.My mil retired the moment I became a wife to her son and looking back I was nothing short of a doormat and a maid.

    Her words were really strong!

    There was not topic about me which she didn’t insult.Be it my looks,height,dressing,studies,the way I was brought up,my status,complexion,my cooking..name anything! I can really keep going on and on..

    At one point..I burst out and asked
    “I do so much for you but still you are always putting me down.Why?”

    She replied” I really don’t know why”

    Hmm..

    As I kept growing older..I tried to stand up in different ways but nothing worked.My father in law joined with her,supported her nastiness and it was always a win win with them..

    This happened for 15 years and last trip she actually compared herself to my life and said am enjoying a lot and going out.I don’t think grocery shopping is entertainment!
    She makes sure to join us if I want to go out with my husband and little
    Did she know it was me who actually wanted her to come to every trip I take there coz am a Stupid woman who has mixed feelings and raised by annoying parents who always said “respect elders no matter what!”..
    She hates it if I go out with hubby even now..

    She talks like honey in phone and will be making her USA trip soon and I dread that.My kid is waiting to meet her as ofcourse all the grandparents need to do is say to the kid” you are so cute.my sweetheart!” and the child will
    Melt..we end up looking like fools..

    Her son will always be the son..
    Ofcourse we won’t be mean enough to make our kid go against her.so she will get their love too!

    At the end of the day..hubby will go to
    Work,kid will go to school,in-laws will happily watch their tv/shows etc and as a homemaker we slog at home like a maid and if the women is working outside..in many cases,the in-laws won’t be nice enough to help her out at home.

    It is a win win situation for them!!!

    There is no hope left for the dil.
    It is we who end up alone!
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2020
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  2. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Then now is the time to accept your job proposal!
     
    sindmani, Sinant, Amulet and 3 others like this.
  3. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    I am now going to very desperately search for a job:)
     
    sindmani, hermitcrab and shravs3 like this.
  4. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    I am the last person who can say this , because I myself started following it late in life - People will treat you the way you let them treat you. I read once in a book that "The first time someone is nasty to you, it is their fault. Every time after that is your fault." I completely understand that "elders need to be respected" part, because that is what holds me back all the while from giving back to MIL a taste of her own medicine. BUT, at some point - you need to think about the most important person in your life - YOU. NO ONE ELSE will talk for you, NO ONE ELSE will defend you and NO ONE ELSE will treat you with respect if you dont do it yourself.

    I was like you, went out of my way to please PILs. Every visit, I would slog/plan/buy gifts and then try to mend a broken heart when MIL would pass snarky comments. Finally, I realized that the problem was not her, it was me. I was encouraging and enabling their bad behavior. And just like that, a switch flipped in me, and I stopped calling her. I stopped being overly lovey dovey to her. Interacted with her ONLY to answer her questions. No more gifts, No more outings planned by me. Anything that I needed to tell her was either in the presence of the husband or through the husband. The major advantage I had was that I had a job, so it was easy to get away. That makes a world of difference. Like shravs3 suggested, resume your job search - whether it is as a sub , or an intern or an entry level position , a place to get away from all the madness works wonders. All the best.
     
    BhumiBabe, Sinant, Mehana and 5 others like this.
  5. ragzz

    ragzz Silver IL'ite

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    As Orson Welles famously said We're born alone, live alone and die alone, everything else is an illusion.
     
    hermitcrab, hridhaya and anika987 like this.
  6. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Mental peace and wellbeing matters the most .
    If the inlaws are abusive. Its better to distance ourselves.
    Even if we end up alone ,so be it.
    You are in USA anika. You can always find good friends. You do have a good husband.
    When are your in laws arriving?
     
    hermitcrab, shravs3, Roar and 2 others like this.
  7. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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    Why do you think it's the Dil who ends up alone? Because in your mind you still think ofyour inlaws highly and that is the normal world for you,right? That's why her comments and opinions matter so much to you and every distance you make,you feel like isolating yourself from something important and you are missing something important in life. It doesn't have to be that way,Anika.
    Treat them kindly,like you would any elder persons. But don't let them get to you, don't take their comments to heart and don't give them any importance than they deserve. You don't have to answer her back, you don't have to confront her. If she say anything nasty comments about your cooking or looks,just tell her yes ma I am not as beautiful as you and my cooking is not even comparable to you.. But thank God,your son is happy with me.Believe me,she will be puzzled.
    A really useful comment I read in IL written by our poster Yellowmango is "You, your husband and kids are the main actors in your life. Inlaws holds just side roles." Such a powerful message!Don't worry about them too much. And best wishes for your job search :)
     
    Sinant, Rihana, Roar and 2 others like this.
  8. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    mostly,this summer..they have asked to come for 4 months this time..
     
  9. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    True quote by yellowmango.

    I am just one person with in-laws problem.There are many many more in IL and outside of IL.
    the 80,90’s kids (?) if I may say so:)
    Are wired with too much conscience and brainwashed a lot my elders..

    Especially the biggest blackmail is the word KARMA.

    Atleast am happy in one way..I have to mention..hubby is quite supportive but mil really knows emotional blackmail.She has a PHD in that!
     
  10. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Take up a summer job anika, no need to feel guilty then.
     
    anika987 likes this.

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