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Issues with staying in touch with in-laws..

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by fionashrek, Aug 12, 2012.

  1. fionashrek

    fionashrek Silver IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,

    I am married for about 2-2.5 years or so. I have good in-laws. There is a problem i have - I am not much of a phone person so I find it tough to stay in touch with them! Am sorry if you find this funny. But it really is a problem.

    I cannot call all of my husbands cousins/sister-in-laws, parents or aunts, etc every now and then. I am a working woman, I spend a lot of time in office in meetings or urgent issues (that cannot be interrupted) or I am traveling to and from office. I find it difficult to hear the other person when there is noise around me when i am traveling in the bus. Also I am uncomfortable talking about personal things on phone in public or in office where my boss or colleagues can hear me..

    When I reach home, I am busy with a lot of things, so I don't remember to call. I keep putting it off..Sometimes, I even miss calls when they call because i am in some other part of the house busy doing some housework. Somehow I don't understand this implicit expectation from everyone that one should always be available to talk when one owns a mobile phone. It is an immediate demand on one's time. I could be doing something more important. In-laws may get offended if I answer their call and then say I am in a meeting, or if I seem like i want to hang up soon. It would look bad right?

    Frankly, I also don't give a call back to friends! This is because,I really am not much of a phone person. I dont mind emails, text messages or Facebook..I feel there are too many people to stay in touch with. How do I manage?? All of my in-laws are on FB, but they are not much of FB or email people! I don't get a good phone network at home, so I cannot hear the other person and it annoys me like hell! :(

    Am i over-reacting or is there someone else who shares my opinion too??
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2012
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  2. luckwaves

    luckwaves Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi dear,

    I personally feel that it's a common expectation from in laws and even from our own parents.. But sit and explain your situation to them and promise them you will call them when ever you find time or atleast on week ends ... Tell them if I am too very busy I will make sure that I will drop an email and lets stay in touch there.. I think they will understand ..

    We will get solution to most of our problems if we sit and talk to the OP.
     
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  3. coolsandy

    coolsandy Gold IL'ite

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    i know a few companies where mobiles are not allowed into the offices. They need to be deposited at the security or stored in lockers as per security policies of the company. Why dont you tell them that it is not possible to take calls during office hours cos' of such reasons.

    Make a note of the important persons you need to be in touch with and call then during weekends. (only if you feel it is important, n if you have missed their calls during your office hours)
     
  4. foxybeat

    foxybeat Platinum IL'ite

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    I can relate to you since I am also not much of a phone person at time. I always prefer texting , email or FB. My ILs will call when I am working and will get offended if I dont pick up the call, but slowly I started telling them like meeting, cant talk during work time, etc etc....and now they are fine with it.

    Earlier they used to insist that I talk to all their relatives also but I was not too keen on that (simply because I dont have much to say and I hate those calls where we keep saying ' what else what else'.) I would just tell them that I will talk later since I have work now ,etc etc..I would also say the same to the ILs if I was busy. They will understand if you explain to them right ?

    See everytime you call, they will not be able to talk since they be outside, cooking, with relatives etc...so the same applies to you also. Make it clear from the beginning that you also have busy routine and that sometimes its not possible to attend calls.

    Dont think they will feel bad. As you said they are nice people, so they should be able to understand how busy the lives are these days. That said, please do try and make some time on weekends or whenever your DH calls them to talk to them for sometime. This way both parties are satisfied.
     
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  5. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Fionashrek,

    You already said your parents-in-law are nice people. You can explain to them when you have a few minutes that you find it difficult to take calls at work or when you are in public places. Promise them, you would call them when you have free time to talk to them. Please communicate them it makes you feel uncomfortable not to take their call and it also makes you feel worse if you had to disconnect the call quickly. They will understand.

    We live in the US and we go to India once in two years. Earlier, we were trying to visit every one of our relatives but still could not make it in three weeks vacation time. We are now thinking of setting up a get together of our extended family to meet at one place and host them a dinner. That gives us opportunity to meet all of them together and they also understand that our inability to visit them is primarily lack of time. Otherwise, many end up thinking that our moving to the US has changed us considerably.

    Viswa
     
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  6. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Weekends - schedule some 1 hour on Saturday and 1 hour on Sunday. Call folks during set time, say 10am-11am on Saturday, 3pm-4pm Sunday. Set a schedule and stick to it, will become part of the routine and they'll know when to expect your call. A bit of discipline will help to set and stick to schedule - you wont forget office meeting schedule despite other interactions. Similarly set it on your phone or calendar reminder.
     
  7. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    From your post, I am guessing that you are not much of a phone person?! ha, ha, just pulling your leg.:rotfl

    Remember what that phone call is all about - it's not about the conversation (you are right - a good chunk of it may be spent saying "what else, what else....!"), it's not about the information, it's not about calling unwillingly for the sake of calling - it's about reaffirming and renewing ties, acknowledging the other person's existence and including them in your life. So if you think calling does not work for you, then find another way to achieve the basic goals:

    (1) For people who are comfortable with e-mails, Facebook etc. use that.
    (2) For people who are not tech savvy, simply let them know that you don't like phones. Say it explicitly and make it clear that you do care about them. Make sure you remember important occasions in their lives, keep them informed about important events in yours by snail-mail. The point here is that you could buy nice cards and write birthday (or other) good wishes in advance - just leaving some room at the end to include latest stuff. You can keep it stamped, addressed and ready, just mail it at the right time. They will be happy that you remembered.
    (3) For the extra-important people, elders, old people, people who have had something very good or bad happen in their lives, set aside your disinclination and make an effort to call.
    (4) Send little tokens of affection as a surprise. Just keep an eye out for small things that could say "I saw this and thought of you ...". The point is that you can do this anytime.

    As a guy, my general policy is:
    (a) I ignore all the guys.
    (b) I focus on the kids, especially the little ones - it's easy to find out what they like, it does not have to be fancy. Just getting mail addressed to them fascinates them.
    (c) I buy nice things for the women ... because it's simply sooooo much easier & more enjoyable to shop for women - there are so many cool, beautiful things to get - there's like 20 billion types of earrings alone for heaven's sake!!!
    So this pretty much covers at least one member of each family unit. Works for me!

    Bottom line : it's not about the phone-call - it's about reaffirming relationship ties, it's about what psychologists call "stroking".
    There's nothing wrong with not being a phone person, just as long as you make an effort to be a thoughtful person!
     
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  8. mommybird

    mommybird Gold IL'ite

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    Enjoyable to shop for woman and this is coming from a man!!! Are you sure you are not sokanasani :)
     
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  9. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Quite sure.
    Well, why not? I am quite secure in my masculinity, I like art, I like beautiful things!
     
  10. vvvvvv

    vvvvvv Silver IL'ite

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    Make a list of the important persons whom you would like to call. Each day during lunch break call one person.
     

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