Issues in the family because of Husband's job

Lily · May 11, 2007

Hi,
This is really a great site ! I was little bit low down today and didn’t know to whom to turn for advice.
I am in a very bad situation now and I really need somebody to guide me properly
I am very happy that I founf somemany friends to advice me ..

I come from a family which has been broken due business run by my father. Both my father and mother was earning and they invested the
money into a business and lost all the money.My father left us due to this problem and my mother struggled hard and brought me up.

I am married for 3 years now and my husband didnt have a stable job from the beginning. He was our family friend and I married him knowing that he didn’t have a job, but I had belief in him.
I thought he will get through it somehow.I feel even after 3 years of marriage, he has not taken up the responsibility.
For the first 2 years, he didn’t have job only and I had to support all alone. Even then I didn’t lose hope and I asked him to try for a job.
He wanted to setup a business, I advised him to get a job, earn money and invest that in a business (even though I have aversion to business)
I told him to follows his dreams and I will take care of the family till he succeeds.
Accordingly, he got into a job, but he is not interested in it ...he wants to setup a business ASAP. I am even okay with it..
I even asked him to take up a job first in the line which he is interested, learn the trade and then start the business.
But I told him, that he has to take up a loan and manage the business himself and whatever I earn will go as savings
And he shouldn’t touch money from that savings even in case of emergency.
I want that has a savings for our kids, to invest in land,
for health related emergency and this is where he disagrees. He had 2 business before and it didnt work out well ,at that time we were not married ,but still I used to help
him financially. But now ...i dont know somehow I dont like that idea ...
He says as a wife it is my duty to support him during emergency. Isn’t it other way around ? And I feel I have supported him all along ...
And in business you are always in need of money right ?
Shouldn’t he take up the responsibility of saving for me? My job is not a stable job too (I work for a IT company)..what if I lose it ?
Then who is going to support us ? It is of no use of talking to my in-laws ,I know they wont support me ...and I want to start a family soon ..
which will happen only my husband settles ... :bang
I have already had bad childhood because of same issue ...and I dont want to go through it again..it is horrible
But I feel bad too ....I dont know why ...may be i am doing it wrong ....

Can anyone pls let me know what I am doing is correct or wrong ?
I really VALUE YOUR OPINIONS

Tulasi · May 11, 2007

Re: Issues in the family

Hi Lily
After reading your post. I felt your a very good home maker. i think your doing what you need to do. I think firstofall if you had helped already and you don't get any help from your parents or in-laws. i think you should save money for your furure and the kids. your husband need to work for couple of years untill he makes some money make investment for his businees or he needs to take a loan be responsible for it...If he says that your responsibilty to help him in the business he also needs to make changes too..don't feel bad your doing the right thing..ofcurse you feel bad because you want to help him but not all the time you can help him and also you don't know how succefull it will be..it is better to save money then start thinking about the business...

cool100 · May 11, 2007

Re: Issues in the family

Hi Lily,

I can understand your problem because even I have faced the same. When I was in my 10th standard my father (who had a successful elctronics store) started a business and within 6months we had to sell our store, my moms jewellry and everything. From then onwards we (3 sisters) helped him a lot by tuitions, type work, DTP and what not. I started working immediately I got a diploma and could nt do my graduation. From that day to this day he couldnt come out of that mishap he went into depression so now when I was reading your thread I could remember all those worst days of my life. So now coming to your problem let me tell you what you are doing is 200% right and stand up to ur decision and face the circumstances. You first try to talk to him smoothly and if he is still unwilling let him start his own business and face the situation what ever it might be (let us hope for the best).

You can even tell him that first if he get his job and for 2 or 3yrs if he can save money then even u can help him in his business by leaving your job (u just tell him not that u will leave ur job ) and take up the responsibilities of kids and other household things. May be he will give a think to this. I dont know why some men have very strong urge for business I still see in front of my eyes my mother literally begging my father not to start a business but he gave a deaf ear to it. so be brave and God will deafnitely support you and lets hope for the best. And regarding kids I think it is not the right time to plan (that is my opinion only) because he still needs to settle in his life because you are the only one working and if u plan for kids it might be difficult for u to tackle both. Anyhow just stop worrying about the problem (I know that is not easy but still I wish you all the best). Keep faith in god for every problem of ours he has solution with him and please wait for the right time to get the solution .

Malathijagan · May 11, 2007

Re: Issues in the family

Hi Lily,
I see your plight and feel sorry for you. You've had a bad childhood and your marriage is not a happy one too.But in your situation I would do exactly what you have been doing. You have helped your hubby for two years and yet he is complaining. Its time you start planning for your future. Let not your kids go through the kind of miseries you went through in your childhood days. Don't lose hopes as yet.Be firm with your hubby about taking up a job. Try reasoning with him about how his earlier misadventures with business put the two of you in a tight spot. At the same time also show your love and concern for him.
With Trust in God start your endeavour afresh.
Wishing you all the best,
Malathi

shobabu · May 11, 2007

Re: Issues in the family

hi lily,
U are 100 % right.maybe he is not suited to do business..i feel u have supported him enough.Now he should take his responsibility seriously
cheers
shobha

radhavenkatesh · May 11, 2007

Re: Issues in the family

there is a saying save the rod and spoil the child , u have already pampered ur husband for the past few years and spoilt him sorry to say tht a man shd work and take care of his responsibility. Pl do not support him any more and kindly ask him to first earn for his livelihood , let him earn for his fud and bed ,let him save and not shave wotever hard earned money u have saved .
IF u continue giving him support he wud land up doing nothing being educated he shd knw his duty . there are categories of men , men who are behind work ,men who are behind money ,men who are lethargic ,and many more to short list ,ur husband is not working bcz he is not a satisfied person such sort of people are not satisfied with any job they take up so they shd be made compulstion for work and let him work only then he will knw the taste of working and earning .
dont mind for my harsh words wish u gud luck.

Lily · May 11, 2007

Re: Issues in the family

Dear Tulasi,
Thanks for your compliment ! I never thought myself good at home.
Your words set me thinking ...maybe I am good and never realized it
And thanks a lot for your comforting reply .... it is really comforting..
there are times when I have to take some decisons and not sure abt it and really would like to take some advice, but dont know whom to turn around ..I dont want to go and ask my friends and realtives .
They will guide me ...but I feel out of their affection to me they may not guide me properly.
But here I found so many friends who can show me a right path ...
Thanks once again Tulasi !

Lily · May 11, 2007

Re: Issues in the family

Dear Cool100,
Thanks a lot for your reassurance ..
I am very sorry to learn about your family problem ...i dont want anybody to go through this kind of misery ...
I have heard people say "Childhood without money is the most miserable thing in the world" ...and I very sad to learn that you couldnt complete
your graduation beacuse of this ....
Atleast in my case ,my mother made sure I pass graduation, even with all financial issues ...If she had not done it ,my life would have so bad now...
Yeah ..I have told him all what you say ...but somehow he doesnt think in the same line as me ....he gets angry and make me feel that i care more abt the money than him ...which is not true ..
Yes ,I dont want bring a kid into this world and make it under go the same suffering I went through ...My brain accepts that ...but my heart longs for a baby ...
As you said ,I have left everything to God , I know he will help me through this ...
Thanks a lot cool100 ! And I shall pray to god that you father comes out soon from the depression...

Lily · May 11, 2007

Re: Issues in the family

Dear Malathijagan,
Thanks for your wishes and comforting words ! I really feel happy after reading your reply ,I am happy that I am not a stubborn ,heartless person who is after money. ( I really felt that way after refusing to my hubby ).
Yes ..i dont want my kid to go through all the things I went through .And that is why I am fighting .God will never forgive me if I give my child that misery .
As far reasoning with my husband ,i dont think that will work out.
He is alrady saying that i am advising too much (even when I talk encouragingly).So i have left it god ,he has to do that.
I have put my hope in god...
Once again Thanks a lot Malathijagan !