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Issue With My Sibling

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by paru123, Aug 9, 2022.

  1. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    It's about my sibling who is actually going through a bad phase of life. He has always been a very smart person right from his childhood. I was considered a stupid and he the scholar right from his infancy. Even in studies he was always a topper. He always used to go out of his way to help others and even now helps people in need monetarily.
    Coming back to my brother, though he is younger to me he has acted like my elder brother. He managed my whole wedding and even after my wedding, many issues were sorted, negotiated by him and not my parents.

    Problem now is my brother feels whatever he does is the right thing. He has a very stressful job and he is always short of time. Few days back, for some major repairs in the house, he didnt consult any of ours opinion. I repeatedly warned him about the contractor that he is charging a lot but he didnt pay any heed to me. He said his work is good so he charges a premium. Just to save his money I had to shout n tell him that the guy is not as good as he thinks so. He called me an idiot n shouted back saying I have objection for everything. It was like a big fight. Now today he somehow realised what I said was correct. He says he is now filled with anger for charging so highly n just feel like giving the contractor a good verbal dose. I told him to let go the money as it was his mistake that he didnt crosscheck. But he is not admitting his mistake.
    The way he insulted me, I just want to give a good dose to my brother, but I know he is having a bad time. Nobody corrects him, and he thinks he is always correct. His bad time of life, I feel also happened due to his arrogance partly , but I also feel sorry for him. What to do.
     
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  2. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    wait till the problem settles down and then you can explain to him why he was wrong and also set some healthy boundaries . Hopefully he has learnt his lessons. It is natural for someone who took responsibilities in young age to think they are always correct. As time goes on he will learn his lessons. If the problem is not directly impacting you like you are paying the contractor i would say stay out of it. If it doesn't bother you don't get involved
     
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  3. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    Sounds like he’s a wonderful brother! I think issue here is you both care too much about each other. Both are opinionated and quite forceful in communicating views.

    OP, For men it has to be a conversation. We women are more direct. We see the answer and directly say it. ‘of course that’s what you need to do stupid!’

    But men are a little different. It’s a process with them. When he admitted contractor is bad to you that was an admission that you were right. They like to talk things out. Instead of directly telling him the answer or what to do, wait, hold back. Agree with him, ask him what made him finally see. Let him talk. Maybe your big fight only made him start cross checking and then he realized. But you won’t know until you give him a chance to speak. Next ask him what he’s planning to do. If he has some ideas listen, if he says No I don’t know then you put forward a suggestion. Let the conversation continue. The longer you talk the more amenable he will be to listening to your suggestions. So discuss the issues thoroughly and mention any angles objections as they strike you. Your brother will be more amenable if it’s a discussion rather than ultimatum.

    don’t think of childhood and that you are considered a stupid and all. That was then, in the past. Don’t bring it up now in conversation. And don’t behave as if that’s what they believe of you. Start from fresh page
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2022
  4. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Yes. This is what I told him in the end, do whatever you want to. He understood his mistake and lost some good money also. He thinks he tries to rectify bigger things whereas he feels I look at rectifying only immediately required things.
     
  5. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    You are right, I am quite forceful in giving out my opinions and so is he. He didnt wait for 5 minutes before he gave the contract. And then he wasted 3 hours afterwards thinking of cancelling a part of the contract. He says he is always short of time and want to take quick decisions. This is what irritates me. He is very egoistic and at the actual decision taking moment he wont listen to anyone's advice. He feels no one can think like him, no one has his foresight.
     
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  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Yeah that’s the amazing sibling relationship. Did you know of all the relationships we have in our life the sibling one is the longest? Parents are there till halfway, kids arrive halfway, spouse arrives in adulthood- only sibling is there in all the phases- childhood, youth, adult old age!

    I can relate as I have a similar sibling. We all look up to him, he’s involved in all major decisions etc. Only recently he admitted that even being looked up to creates its own pressure and isolation. Since then he’s calmed down and is more open to input.
    You know your bro best. He’s stepped up for you, his heart is in the right place. So tell him calmly that you want to reciprocate- be there for him. Make him feel comfortable to share his thoughts with you. Offer advice only once in a while. Say it once and leave it. Best wishes!
     
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  7. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    True.
     

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