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issue with in-laws - need advise

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by psych, May 3, 2010.

  1. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    hi

    i got married to my hubby some 6 years back. i live in the us and hubby was from india. before marriage i had asked for details abt his family incl his sis who seemed to be living with his parents with her daughter. he lied to me saying that her husband was working in another country. after marriagge i cam to know that she was divorced twice. she lives with his parents with her daughter. she is very rude and mean and makes nasty comments. she has no sense of responisbility and does not contribute any money for raising her daughter. my mil keeps asking my husband to send money every month so that she can take care of all. sis-in-law spends all her money on exp cosmetics (if she manages to keep a job ). we send some couple of hundreds every month. my mil works but doesnt contribute any money at all. she saves all her money. i was a responsible person and managed to save money and i think my in laws know this so they keep pressuring my husband to give them more money. my husband has no savings because he dishes out moeny and gifts to them and then calls them to the us for visiting our son. the problem is getting worse now as i also want to buy a new house. any talk with my husband just ends up in fight, i am only staying becoz of my son. wen i agreed to start a family i had told him that we cannot support his parents and his sister in a lavish way. his sister needs to step up and contribute to her daughters up bringing. he agreed and now we have a son and the problem has not stopped. my dreams keep getting pushed back. its very frustrating. please advise how i can deal with this situation
     
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  2. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Psych,
    First of all if you are supporting your in laws fix an amount that you send every month so there is no on demand sending.

    If you want to buy a house I cannot see how that is causing problems. Does your DH not agree to buying a house or can you both not afford a house if you send money?

    Do you want to send them no money at all? Because I don't think that is reasonable. Sending a fixed monthly amount should not be a big deal if both of you work.

    Please let us know thre specifics.

    FL
     
  3. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    We are already sending a fixed amount every month. The issue is money. We are not able to save money to buy a new house. before i got married i had a bought a house on my own in the us. after having a baby the house has started becoming small and need to move to better place so that i can send our son to a better school. now alongiwth a fixed amount everymonth (couple of hundred) he also brings shelves money to bring them here. and then gifts for everyone back home. so there is no savings from his salary. i pay the house loan and medical exp and utilities. so the exp are like 50/50. dh keeps telling that things in india are expensvie. and that this money is not sufficient. but at what point enough is enough?
     
  4. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    also he had bought them a house (this was before we got married and i dont care abt it either). now they want another house saying the area they are staying is not good enough and they want to move to a better place. everytime weekend dh calls he she keeps complaining that things are expensive. so are things in the US
     
  5. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Psych,

    I understand your situation better. You cannot ask him not to send money.In fact don't even mention it and keep nodding/smiling if it comes up. Don't let that bother you.

    Here is what I think you should do.

    • Open a separate joint account . Put in 25-30% of your salary in it every month. Ask DH to do the same.That will be your house fund.
    • For the rest of household expenses put in 40% of your salary.
    • Rest 30% should be your savings.
    Don't worry you will have enough to buy a house by 6 months to a year. You cannot change in laws or Dh but by chanelling in this way.... your DH will be compelled to save for the house.

    If he says no then you need to have a serious talk with him.

    Good Luck
    FL.
     
  6. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    hey thanks !! wonderful advise. I will do that asap. Thanks so much!! I will keep you posted ! Any idea why dh is this way? Does he care about me at all? Am i wasting my time wiht him? Anyway to know what his priorities are ?
     
  7. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Psych,
    You are welcome!!! First of all your DH has nothing against you I am sure. He is just helping his family . And its not wrong to do so.

    Many individuals don't know how to prioritize and work within their means. Maybe he and his family belongs to that category.

    Supporting parents is not wrong. Giving them gifts or sponsoring their trip is not wrong either however if that is taking happiness away from the family or hurting future savings then it needs to be done within the means of the family.

    Good Luck..Take Care.
    FL
     
  8. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Psych,
    Also do remember. After he has put in for saving for the house and for expenses let him do whatever he wants with his share. He can give it to them or spend it on himself. Don't nag him for that.

    good luck
    FL
     
  9. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    yes. as long as he takes care of us and works with me to give us a good future i dont have any issues. he doenst think or gives an impression that he doesnt think about the future - like saving for our sons college - all those long term plans. either he has no clue about it or he doesnt want to do it becasue that will mean he will have less money to spend on his parents. to me these things need to be planned or you will never be able to do it. he constantly asks me to do cost cutting (which is ok since its gonna save us money) but then he doesnt have the same rules for his parents. like we cut down on food - we only eat out once a week on fridays but his niece eats out everyday in india. since the niece doesnt have a father figure DH;s father and mother overindulge her. my fahter is a widow for last 10 yrs and lives in india. he is blind in one eye but is still independent. he still works at age 63 and doesnt ask for any money from his kids. when i see my old father still working and i see his family just being very in sensitive it just annoys me. last week DH was asking me if my father could take care of his niece for 2 years so that she can stay away from home and not be like her mother. its a good and noble thought but my father is hardly able to take care of himslef let alone take care of a young girl. DH has lot of family issues and it keeps dragging the entire family in. if only his sister would be responsible and acutally take care of her daughter ! It would have been sooo easy for everyone to be happy. It is one thing supporting someone who really needs it and totally another thing when someone is irresponsible and just taking advantage of the situation. To this day SIL has not even asked once about our son. not once has she talked to my son over the phone. atleast you could ask on the phone how hes doing??? the moment she learnt that i was havng a boy she stopped talking to DH. psychotic family!
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2010
  10. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Psych,

    Oh boy..thats a tuff one. Maybe if you talk to your DH in acomplete different context. Disscuss how you are concerned about her future because big brother or parents will not take care of her and her daughter always. She has to be responsible.

    Discuss cautiously about this. Maybe he can make her see clearly. Always discuss about luxury and necessities in context to your relatives and don't discuss or mention his.

    Don't worry if she does not call...you don't need such person to call you anyways.

    FL
     

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