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Is wishing separate home unfair?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Meera0500, Oct 20, 2012.

  1. Meera0500

    Meera0500 New IL'ite

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    Hello there, after being silent reader posting my issue fr 1st time
    Reading other threads i am sure Ur support n suggestion will help me think
    In right direction as all I get advice from parents n close fr ds n relatives is adjust n compromise ...

    Brought up fr last 26 yrs nuclear family( parents had separate home due to in law issue ) having separate home was my 1st condition for marriage proposals
    That delayed finding suitable match by 2yrs. In fact I was ready to contribute
    Financially for separate flat. Finally a proposal came from my now Dh was clicked n fixed since he himself had his own flat :thumbsup
    But got to kno it is jus next bldg to in laws but was happy that my dh
    Had plans to stay separate frm parents. However things started changing once everything was fixed n dh convinced me that for 1st 6 mnts kitchen won't be separate as this will help me to get to know family well n learn their type of cooking. so everytime for cooking n meals I had to be at in laws place , initially my mil very sweet n understanding since she was helping me in household . But being newly married I was hardly getting any time with dh to be with each other with sudden guest visits or his prolonged chatting with family n relatives On weekdays or even weekends... Even after meals I used to feel awkward stepping out of their home to head towards our home to rest in our bedroom late nites as I had to wait for him . In normal times it was ok but in front of guests I used to feel embarassing hearing taunts we being newly married. Later mil too started testing me awaiting fr me to come back from work late nite n cook for all havin cook or maid was strict no in their house. I desperately tried having separate kitchen n then having cook fr our home but dh was nt ready not to hurt parents . I never feel relaxed when coming back frm tiring work just to be straight yo kitchen to help mil. Even on weekends I hv this tension to go to in laws place fr cooking hv never njoyed being at our home . Few times I tried cooking in our kitchen on weekends but in laws hv started taunting I m breaking house. It's been one year now I am totally frustrated waiting when we will be separate . My Dh avoiding to buy any new things fr our home in fact thinking of only replacing old thing at in laws house with our money . I am pleading him to sell this flat n but Sum whr at distance however refusing it even if I am ready yo take loan. Even after trying I am nt able to adjust wit in laws as our thinking level doesn't match and they hv already started finding flaws as they have expectation to be ideal soap serial bahu and I am totally different western clothes clad independent thinking career woman . Pls help I am suffocating . I can't even invite my family n frnds at my home as per unwritten rule they hv to visit in laws house 1st n then to our home as some museum visit. Things r becoming worse when my hubby goes on business trips as I find excuses running to my parents place frequently . I wonder what will be my life after kids...when can I hv my own space to breath freely :bonk
     
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  2. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    hi,
    i know a buisness family with same setup like yours.my friend also joined the family buisness once her son was 1 yrs old & it really helped her a lot that Mil's house was near her own............MIL could keep an eye on the maid who was employed for the child,then once the kid started playschool he used to come back by mid day to MIL's house,eat food,have small sleep & by the time she used to come back the child was well rested & in happy mood...........
    in a way it helped her a lot having MIL live near her..........

    they all go for a joint family dinner every week & rest of the week she cooks for herself when she comes back from the store......her MIL packs lunch for her & her husband everyday........
    now,as its been a year to your marriage you guys should make some arrangment to have food all working days yourself & invite them to your place for weekend dinner........sometimes you need to express what you want & you will be surprised when you find they also want same thing......otherwise also its too much trouble for your Inlaws to buy ,then cook & then clean up after dinner for whole of family every night..........if guest are there you can compromise by going till guest stays......
     
  3. MaritalBliss

    MaritalBliss Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Meera,

    It is fair to want a sep home, nothing wrong in it since u made this clear right from the beginning. Since the home is near, he would go there v often and expect u to do so too. I am also in the same situation and my hubby goes to his mums place almost every day. At first I too went but slowly I gave excuses. Now that We have two kids, my hubby still goes there every day as his mum would call saying she has cooked special food for him etc. when staying nearby, there is no escape I feel. My kids go to in laws place every Saturday night for sleepover. It's a break for me. Kids also get to spend time with grandparent. What I'm trying to say is slowly u will get used to it. It's especially helpful when u have kids. However u have to insist that he spends quality time with u so that u can bond with him. If u dont feel like going to in laws place, just give some excuse.
     
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  4. Meera0500

    Meera0500 New IL'ite

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  5. Meera0500

    Meera0500 New IL'ite

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    Last edited: Oct 21, 2012
  6. zainabsarfraz

    zainabsarfraz Platinum IL'ite

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    hmm since you had demanded a seperate house from begining of your marriage you have all the right to have it. Speak to your DH about his promise of seprate kitchens after 6 months while marrying you.

    you can do one more thing to begin start preparingn food for all his extended family members at your own house and then share it with them say you wanted your MIL to take some rest so you prepared everything at your home and then her prepare the dinner slowly make habbit of sending one plate of whatever food you prepare to them they will get used to this over time and your DH will also feel your not neglecting them. if you get comments or taunts JUST IGNORE coz ignorense is BLISS
     
  7. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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  8. falgunid18

    falgunid18 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Meera... I completely understand your situattion. Wishinga seprate house from in-laws... I guess its every other girl's dream... so no guilt feeling there...we are all brought up to live a life that makes us and our well-wisher's happy.

    But.. looking at your current situation and your momma's boy hubby ....IMO... if you take a house somehwere else... wont your in-laws come over at your place again and agian for a stayover or weekends... That would make your life more hell... as you cannot ask them to get out politely or arrogantly.

    All I am trying to say is, stay next door to them, BUT per YOUR rules. Under all circumstances, strat coooking food at your palce and then carry it over to your in-laws. you have to convince your husband for this. Make this a habbit. This way you will get entire evening free for yourself and can have dinner with in-laws at their place as per your DH's wish. Then slowly slowly.... make something up...like our not feeling well or stomach pain and ask your husband to come to your place and take the food and go to his mommy dear's place for dinner. And then slowly make it a pratice to vist them only few times... but in all this.. make sure that they dont start coming at your palce.

    If yoru H wants to visit them regularly... tehre is nothing much that can stop a momma's boy from doing that as these kind of men realise that they are not test tube babies...only the minute they get married. Wish God had created a seperate heart for men exclusively only for their wifes.
     
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  9. Meera0500

    Meera0500 New IL'ite

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    Sorry for late reply friends! But last 2 -3 days were damn busy..
    Guess what - me n dh together bought the first thing for my home on occasion on dusserah
    Refrigerator :) finally i managed to convince hubby and yes made a nice lunch for full family with sweets and it was hit! Mil was bit unsecured and was asking for recipes again n again as dh was full of praises for me.... guess at least my kitchen has started...and my house in progress to be our new home...
    Friends thanks for your suggestions n tips will sure apply now step by step..
    Happy dussera to all!!!
     
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  10. zainabsarfraz

    zainabsarfraz Platinum IL'ite

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    very happy for you dear :) stay blessed :) all the best
     

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