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Is This Type Of Life Normal Or Am I Overeacting?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by senoritaaa, Oct 12, 2017.

  1. senoritaaa

    senoritaaa Bronze IL'ite

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    married for 10 years
    Both of us are earning well as of now.
    have 2 girl kids aged 6 and 1
    HAve a fulltime live in maid cum baby sitter who is good aged lady and will not create problems.

    Postives:
    ----------
    DH does not impose his ways on me, though he wishes to (I can sense taht)
    Finacial freedonm is there, though reluctantly. ( He does not like me buying gifts for my family side and passes minor remarks).
    Good loving father


    My issue is:
    1)Value ststem Incompatibilty
    Value systems are different.
    I am a very straightforward person,never tell lies, and have comapssion whn i see other fellow human beings suffer and feel like helping them In whichever way ican
    But I have a bad temper.and get angry very easily .( iam working on this. but very little progress)
    But my DH does not have an iota of such feelings. Whenever i say something like that he just ignores , or belittles or changes topic
    He and his family values money the most, wheras for me money is just a means to fulfill the needs.
    I Want to raise my kids with good value system, But seems the elder one is like dad. I feel sad about this
    There is no compatibilty between DH and me on this point

    2)Minor Inlaw issues. They are stingy and i get angry whn they try to do cost cutting.
    They wont even give a person a glass of water to someone unless it has some benefits .

    3)DH is very cunning person . DH mostly will not come for open fights, but he will pass irritating remarks to try to stop me from doing my way.
    50% times i do my way, and 50%, tries to obey him.

    4)USual cause for fights is he points out something which is upside down in the house and crticise me .I get angry for this.
    Sometimes bitter fights alos happen and stop talking for few days or so.

    My Query is : IS this all minor issues? am I over reacting?
    MY MAjor worry is due to this differnces and fights, i am developing hatred for DH and he also hates me because of above incompatibilities .
    How can we love each other inspite of incompatibilities?is that possible?
     
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  2. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    This is pretty common in most marriages. Very few couples are lucky enough to find spouse who share common view points and belief system. Most of us have to comprise and adjust with our spouse.

    I m very much in your shoes. I really feel for poor and needy people.but my hubby will show no sympathy. He will spend thousand eating in a fancy restaurant but will think twice shelling 100 rupees for a needy person. He will expect others to help him at a drop of a hat , but himself will never be available for anyone. Another major issue is I love socializing and travelling. He is opposite. Never goes for vacations.
    Like this there are thousands of things were we are not on the same page. What to do...can't help it. It is his outlook towards life. Cant change him.

    Let him live with his own set of values. U ignore. Don't argue. Keep doing what you believe is correct. This is what most married lives are like. Find happiness in few things which both of you agree to. Don't fret much about it.
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2017
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  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Sounds like any normal marriage, infact it looks like an equal relationship since you win 50% of the time n he does the other 50%. Unfortunately not many women even have that percentage.

    There will be differences in any or every relationship. Even if you find a spouse that's 100% exactly like you, do you think you can actually live with them in harmony n not find it boring or challenging?

    Common interests or thought process between me n my dh are very less or different from food to sports to value system to spirituality level to everything. Over the period of time, we have learnt to respect each other's interests n thoughts n respect the individuality rather than trying to enforce each other's belief's on to the other partner. I feel that's when the bigger problem happens. I give in half the time, he gives in half the time. We have understood this is who we are n found ways to work around it.

    The first thing to focus on is "no fights". Make a pact that no matter what the issue is, you will not raise your voice against each other or make the situation ugly by pointing fingers. If something is making you unhappy, state it out n keep quiet. This maybe tough initially but later on it becomes a habit. It can make you avoid all sortsa fights n actually find amicable solutions for both.

    When things start to escalate, ask this to him n yourself "do you really want to start a fight regarding this n spoil the next few days ? Is this topic realy worth it to spoil all our energy for so long n build hatred n bitterness in the process ?"

    I dono whether it's sound like some life retreat dialogue but this has truly worked in my case. I won't say there are no arguments now, ofcourse there are but the severity or the ugliness has disappeared n the focus is on the topic rather than trying to win a blame game against our own partner.
     
  4. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    I feel it's common . U say ur in-laws are stingy. But my Inlaws spend and waste money unnecessarily . And they feel that calculating and budgeting expenses is inferior for their status. My husband is good at the same time we also have arguments. So I feel it is there everywhere but in different cases.
     
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  5. senoritaaa

    senoritaaa Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for the reply
     
  6. poi098

    poi098 Bronze IL'ite

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    Whether the issue is minor or not, the most important thing is how YOU take it to be. Don't ask others whether you are over reacting or not, ask your self. Because we have not walked in your shoes. We are armed with information that only have revealed to us.
    If you think you are over reacting, then yes - you are over reacting. If you think these are small, minor issues that you can let go, then that's what it is.
     
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