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is this relationship worth it?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by nsh, Jul 23, 2014.

  1. nsh

    nsh New IL'ite

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    Dear IL finds,

    I am a frequent visitor of this forum and a big fan of the wise ladies and men here. Whenever I feel low any day , this is my ultimate place where I resort to , to find some peace of mind. The posts and the rational advices here really cheer me up again. Thank you all for being there for me all the time:)
    This time I decided to write it up for myself though I know my issue might have been discussed several times over here. But please one more time for me personally.
    I have been married for almost four years now and have a little one who is 2yrs old.
    I came to US on h4 to join my husband right after my marriage. Since then we had been having several marital fights due to my unemployment, parents fight and others which are common in any normal marriage. But my major problem is me and my hubby have almost no intimacy. Right from the beginning of our marriage he was not able to perform. We went to doctors, they told everything medically is fine and it might just be because we were newlywed. One yr passed , nothing happened. I managed. I sometimes wondered if our other fights distanced us. But suddenly one day it worked out. Then we did it 2 or 3 times more. I didn't take any precaution as I considered it would be a blessing if our marriage blossomed. And it really did. I became pregnant. After that everything went back to square one. My hubby didn't even want to try after that. He is a family man now in front of all, just like everyone else. Rest he doesn't care. I am a very normal person with some reasonable feelings. I want to be felt as a woman, I want to be loved, I want to share my feelings with someone. But now I have no one. Initially, I tried to give hints to my hubby about this, then I spoke directly. Nothing worked. Whenever I would bring this topic, he either keeps quiet or starts fight on some other topic. I am just tired of this cat and mouse chase. Sometimes I feel depressed, sometimes I feel just leaving him alone n going back to India, sometimes I feel maybe I didn't try enough, but then I think this is all enough. Now when he leaves every night the living room to go to sleep all by himself alone, I feel like shouting out loud and throwing all the things in the room. But I m controlling my emotions. I m not sure how long I can do this. If I leave him n go now, what about my little one? Doesn't he needs a father? I don't want him to lose his life because of us. What should I do? I m stuck in this marriage. Please help !! I assure you discussing this more with him won't work. I have tried it for 4 long years. I feel depressed enable to concentrate on anything else.
     
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  2. swapna26

    swapna26 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I understand your feelings completely. First of all hats off for the way your handling the issue. You have good maturity level.

    Coming to the issue, i would suggest you not to decide anything now positive or negative let it warm for few more days. Also analyse and see how he behaves to your baby, apart from the issue you have mentioned think how he behaves to you in other family issues. If everything else are going smooth now and that is being the only issue then try and go to some psychiatrist and take guidance. Or if you are a housewife try and get some work and start working and divert your mind. Some might say simply to leave and come but i would say that is the most difficult part of life. Leaving your partner for some major reason might give you a confidence to live your life but leaving him for this type of issue I think it's not a good move. Also try and find out if he is having some other problem officially or personally, that could also be a reason.

    Finally i would like to tell you this.. True love never fails.
    For sure something great is gonna happen in your life. Don't loose hopes. Keep trying for betterment. all the best.. :thumbsup
     
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  3. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    There is a beautiful little kid there.
    It matters a lot that the kid needs his dad too and hence it is vitally important to hold the nest together despite other problems. Hopefully he is a decent dad to the kid.

    Adults always have their differences, and we win some and lose some, some have problems in one facet of life, and some have problems in other facet(s) of life, (and yes, one can always try to continue to work on those to rectify the situation in future for both adults).......but a kid should be a central point of decision making (as long as no crazy endangering oneself type situation or major abuse).

    The point of view of an innocent little beautiful child is worth so much more than what the adults win or lose.

    Anyhow take the feedback for what its worth. Good Wishes, and love to the kid.
     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Op....Has he shown any signs of working on the problem?
    Have you asked him to go for counseling?
    Are you sure about his sexual orientation?

    Talk to him.....once more. Tell him he needs to work on his problem or give you some answers.
    Tell him you may have to rethink your future with him if he is not even bothered about your feelings.
    It is not just your marriage to save. He has as much at stake..he has as much to lose.
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2014
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  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Have you ever openly discussed about this problem other than initiating for an IC?
    Give him confidence that whatever discussed about this matter will be kept within yourself, and you are open for any decisions.
    Ask his sexual orientation?
    Ask him what is troubling him? Any stress issues? Physical issues? Aversions?
    Sometimes some men take carried away with other issues such as job, TV, family issues etc..etc... so, to spice up things, you need a change.
    If possible put the kid for sleep and plan for some romantic surprise in a night for your husband. See his reaction. Perhaps, this can be a room for you to initiate any discussion in this regard.
    Make sure, you need him not to engage in an IC now, but to open up issues related to it. So, that in any case if your husband is caught up with issues, he wouldn't feel like forced to it.
     
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  6. nsh

    nsh New IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your precious time. I really appreciate it.

    Dear Swapna, thanks a lot for making my mind clear on if its worth to leave this relationship for this kind of issue. For me now, my kid is the top most priority in my life. Everything comes after him. I just wanted to hear from someone that I am doing right by staying with my H for the well being of my little one. As a father, my H is very good to my son. He loves him so much, cares for him and take cares of him very well. He is a perfect father. He is even a very good son to his parents. He is good in general. But when it comes to being my H, he is nothing there. We are just like roommates. After he comes back from work , he would make a general one or two conversation like how was the day and what did the little one do and so on. Then he either watches TV or plays with little one and has his food, does his office work n goes back to sleep. If I talk something , he would just listen and then get back to his work. He seems lost in his laptop and some business magazines. He would even read autobiographies rather than talking to me. We have no husband and wife talk. Its has been years that he has even touched me , hugged me or kissed me. We sleep like strangers on bed maintaining distance.
    I am trying for job but this issue is way too much of distraction for me. I am unable to concentrate on anything else. I often find myself getting lost in the internet, looking for some answers to my questions and problems. I even feel my love for him is lost with the increasing distance.
    Dear Ragini , thanks for the valuable advise again. I am trying my level best to stay in this marriage for my little one.
    Dear yellowmango, I have tried to convey him my needs a lot of times. In fact I have politely tried to put up a question in front of him if he has interest elsewhere or in something else. Till now he has not tried to answer my questions clearly. But I know for sure he has no affair. Neither he seems interested in other men. But one thing that I have observed so far is that he does not seem to miss anything like me. He is totally happy without even touching me. Can a normal man be like this? I have heard men have more desires than women. This makes me wonder all the time. When I did some research on this, I learnt a few things about asexual people. That they can love but its just that there love needs no physical contact. I was very happy after reading this, as I had hopes that he at least loves me. With a lot of effort, I mailed him an article regarding this and asked him to read it and tell me if he could relate to it in anyway. I also told him, no matter what I would love him and wanted this relationship to work. For that he replied , he is happy to know that I wanted our relationship to work and he asked me sometime before he would discuss it. I replied I would wait. Its been 3 weeks since then, he has not spoken anything. He has started a fight on another issue. Now again we are not speaking. Its as if he does not want to discuss on this topic at all. He is just trying to escape. I don't know what more to do.
    Dear SGBV, thanks a lot for your advise. Its been very long that I stopped trying for IC. I remember a few years back when I tried to initiate during few nights , my H would simply ignore, say he is sleepy or sleep in the middle after I kiss him for a while. Nothing has been more humiliating for me than this. Now I just try to make conversation with him regarding this issue, which also he dodges somehow. I m 100 percent sure he is not having affair. I 90 percent positive that he is not gay or satisfying himself with some other thing like **** or masturbation. Rest he has to tell me with his mouth and heart to confirm. I doubt if he is asexual. I am not sure yet.
    What should be my further move? Please help.
     
  7. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    You are absolutely right.
    Which is the reason he prolly takes care of you in other ways (despite normal fights that many couples have, that's not any exception), and he loves his daughter and loves you. But for such people (and yes, they do exist in this world despite our lack of knowledge on this condition), they do love, but their love does not need physical contact. It is not because they are bad people or have any ill intentions, they are naturally built that way, it is part of how they feel. They dont even find the act pleasurable and they dont have any interest in participation, because they are naturally and psychologically inclined that way. But they do love people in other ways. This is a kind of condition that does exist. You can research it online as well.
     
  8. kanthtx

    kanthtx Gold IL'ite

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    you should try marriage counseling.. it seems no matter what u do, u r not getting any response..

    so u shud try counseling .. ask him if he can come for that.. counseling will some times work...

    not to pry, but have u asked him if he doesn't find u attractive after having a kid.. has having the kid changed his view towards u? may be an emotional issue over there..
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Op....ask him to go with you for counseling.If he is not willing,then you have to think hard and decide if you can settle with a room mate for a life time. Either ways it is very unfortunate and unfair to you.This is a clear case of cheating.Whether he is gay,asexual or whatever....it is not possible that he did not know about it before marriage. Looks like he got married for society ...gave you a baby ..and now expects you to settle for a life which is devoid of physical intimacy. He had no right to do this to another human.....

    Either ways you have a ask questions till you get the truthful answers.You deserve at least that much from this 'loving caring man',Then only can you decide .
     
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  10. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    YM, as complicated as it sounds, sometimes they are indeed unaware ahead of time (in India especially where social interactions are stunted in many towns during school/college, and where one doesnt get to fully discover themselves early enough), from what I have heard. So it may not be 'willful and aware cheating' as u termed it.
     

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