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Is This Relationship Even Worth Fighting For?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anika987, Jan 20, 2021.

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  1. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    dont pick up the calls then. reduce going to the family gettogethers also.
     
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  2. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    isn't it her loss ? time and future experiences will teach her that
     
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  3. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Exactly it’s her loss...
    And Anika’s loss is the amount of time and energy spent on obsessing about things beyond one’s control. You can’t force someone to like you...
     
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  4. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Finest Post Winner

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    Definitely not worth it, if the feeling towards each other is forced.
    I second @Needtobestrong points
    Adding one more instead of cooking on the home you can bring food from home just like potlucks. In this way no one has to be in kitchen to cook or wash.
    Maintain cordial relationship with them.. some people are like this your co-sister wants to show off she is being nice to your cousin's sister, vice versa. So that both side of families will portray how good loving they are, so silent snobby you are. Don't care not worth.
     
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  5. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    My sister-in-law (co-sis?) and I don't get along. We never had any disagreements but we are just very different people. We only call each-other on birthdays (family video call) and talk for a few minutes on kids' birthdays, special events etc. When we visit BIL's family, I always have a good book with me. I ask nicely if they need help which she always turns down and I am fine with that. gives me time to read my book or interact with the kids. She does the same when they visit us- mostly takes care of her kids.

    No expectations, no disappointments! kids enjoy being with cousins and my BIL is also very nice to the kids.

    you don't need to be appreciated/loved by every family member.
     
    chanchitra, SCA, Rihana and 1 other person like this.
  6. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    It’s not about love or appreciation .. I feel family should not be treated like a guest and vice versa.

    especially I know the cousins wife very well.. she can scheme things . There are many examples which I don’t want to bring now...

    really hate it when she decides things to do in my co sister’s house who is family and I am treated like an outsider.

    I don’t know if am clear about the point am trying to convey..

    I don’t care if they are close BUT I do not want to be treated like a third person and check with the second cousins wife as to what I should help in my brother in law’s house..

    really hate when a third person enters the family and tries to push a family member away..
     
  7. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    @anika987 - I understand what you are saying. However, your BIL's family isn't exactly your family. Yes, they are a part of your extended family but if your co-sis feels closer to the second cousin's wife, so be it.

    It shouldn't matter who is scheming things or who is doing what in your co-sis's house. it is her house. You may not want to believe it but for your co-sis you are an outsider. You aren't related to her in a way your husband and BIL are. You are not siblings. It could just be different personalities and she finds her personality better aligned to the other relative, not you.

    Be at peace and enjoy your time free of family politics!
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    All involved here are siblings and cousins or second cousins who are married and all live in "nuclear" families. In this case, the definition of one's "family" narrows down to husband, wife and their kids. The rest are relatives or extended family.

    There is nothing wrong if she gets along better with the second cousin's wife and not you. Just because your husband and her husband are siblings, doesn't mean you have to come first in the pecking order of her connections.

    I am currently closer to couple of cousins that I am to my own sibling. LOL.. for many years my parents were closer to the faithful hired help, their regular autorickshaw driver and couple of neighbors than they were to me. I felt it when I visited, felt like an outsider, it bothered a bit, but I was glad they had such loyal people and emotional support around them.

    It works both ways. A local friend's siblings visit her once a year. Even when they are here, if something really bothers her she will call me or we meet for coffee. They know very well she is going to meet me and that she feels closer to me than to them.

    It's fine. It's totally fine to be the outsider in some groups or relationships. If anything, it prepares you for the times when you will (temporarily) be an outsider in your teenager's life. : )

    ETA: reading the post above this only after posting.
     
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  9. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks Rihana and nuss..
    I understand..


    I hate it when they come for asking help alone..at that time only they remember me?

    Plus the cousins wife I know her very well..she acts and talks according to what my co sister likes and overdoes things..I know it is not real.She is just doing it to push me behind.

    However...even my co sister is encouraging that and so I won’t blame the former alone.


    I stopped responding to them.I don’t feel like calling them anymore.After reading your posts,am Glad that they also stopped calling me.They are thinking that it will make me Come back to them.They don’t know that it is actually a relief:)




    The cousins wife hinted that I was jealous.lol honestly both are not worth all this.For me..my expectations were high and since I have done so much for my co sister ,I thought I won’t be dissed.

    Relationships can only work both ways:)

    let them call me names.One who truly supports me will do.

    I am in my forties and I think it’s time I have people who are right for me around me and also I want to be giving love to the ones who deserve it.
     
    chanchitra likes this.
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