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Is This Relationship Even Worth Fighting For?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anika987, Jan 20, 2021.

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  1. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Should we tolerate someone just coz we are family?

    My co sister is basically little competitive with me and has passive aggressively said things to me about my color,weight,kids,hardworking etc but I never bothered much and always got along with me.overall nothing major.

    my second cousin’s wife is someone who basically overdoes everything and she is someone who feels the need to be appreciated. She basically likes to do things back to back of what I did and though irritated ..let it go.

    ‘we all live nearby and so there are many getogethers. Now.. Although everything appears to be fine outside, I feel I have become more like a guest and the cousin’s wife as family.they cook together and talk Lot more and I feel I try to include myself in the conversation.I strongly feel the cousins wife is trying to push me behind and take my place. My co sister also feels very comfortable with her as the cousin’s wife also does so much housework for her and talks accordingly to what my co sister likes.I also see a difference with the way my co sister is with me.she is ready to put me down but is always appreciative about the other gal.I can sense a difference..

    example..if her kid makes a mistake and I confront,she will hate it.but if the cousin’s wife confronts,she will try to explain.

    ‘another example is..she will appreciate the cousin’s wife for her hard work but she will not like and always put me down and told she has done more hard work with raising kids etc..

    ‘I am very much into fitness but she has dissed my eating habits and kind of disregarded my fitness but ready to appreciate the cousin’s wife if she lost even half a pound.just citing these as examples not that I care about this.just to make you guys understand what am trying to convey.

    Both the ladies will greet each other well and talk but with me I can sense a difference.when I come to the house,the cousin’s wife will have a stern face and after sometime after I say hello,she will talk well.same with my co sister.I do feel sidelined.outside no one can spot much but I KNOW AND I CAN FEEL IT.my brother in law also blindly supports his wife even when she makes mistakes.

    ‘I really do not want to meet them anymore.

    ‘I informed my husband,my family and my in-laws also about this.they all said “ we understand but try to maintain distance but tolerate, do not bother for the sake of family,kids else you will get a bad name”..


    I feel like why should I tolerate and lose my peace of mind..I have done so much for the ladies but when I feel disregarded..I don’t want to stay.plus even if we talk it out..nothing will change.you cannot force any relationship as it takes both ways.

    ‘this is a huge decision I will be making..my heart strongly says go against everyone for my peace of mind..leave the ladies and walk away.I am just worried about the bad name from other members of the family,but is it worth my peace of mind?

    ‘in this world..one has to be shrewd and smart handling relations but I cannot be fake.for me any relationship should be two ways else it is a waste of time.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2021
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Being sidelined in a group of people we meet often can hurt initially but over time we develop coping mechanisms.

    There is no informal rule that a co-sister has to be closer to you than she is to a second-cousin-co-sister. We naturally gravitate towards some people.

    They are talking with you fine enough and the sidelining is hard to spot. So, take it from there. You also talk fine enough. Find things to keep you occupied during the get-togethers. If the men and women tend to gather in separate groups, joining the men now and then provides instant relief from the kitchen politics.

    This matter is too small to be "informing" husband, mother or in-laws. Don't compete for your co-sister's approval or for being close to her. Aim higher in life.

    BIL supports her when she makes mistakes -- seriously? All are old enough to be responsible for their own choices and actions. If she does something "wrong" worth discussing, do so with her and end the topic. It need not become an extended whole-family discussion.

    My friend and I have often felt the lack of family at events like school graduations or performances. The other kids would have an entire row of people cheering raucously when the kid's name got called out. In our case it would be a feeble one parent looking left and right sheepishly and cheering with other busy recording on phone. : ) Are family who live close by worth fighting for and losing your peace of mind? No. Are they worth tolerating? I'd say yes.
     
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  3. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    Everytime, I read your posts, I feel we are so similar.
    How frequently are you meeting these ladies?
    I would say, During family meetings, you could just spend time with the kids and go with the flow.
     
    SCA, anika987 and MalStrom like this.
  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    You don’t have to be besties with everyone, including family. Just be cordial when you get together. It will be valuable for your daughter to have familial relationships as she gets older in a country where we don’t have the benefits of an extended family network.
    From my experience parental prejudices often get passed on to the next generation, even if it sis subconscious. I have made an effort to avoid this with my own child.
     
    KashmirFlower, anika987 and Rihana like this.
  5. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    I agree with one thing..true I feel I am family and so I should not be treated like a guest.secondly,if both of them want help alone,I come to their mind.rest of the time I feel quite ignored...plus the second cousins wife also is not backing off and it is clear she wants to push me behind..it hurts when am not even allowed to help in kitchen coz the cousins wife is overdoing things there and I have to check with her to cook?‘that bothers me..

    every side time..they remind me that am more the guest than family..I try to let it go but it is getting tough..
     
  6. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    These ladies love to getogether at the drop of the hat and I know am invited not coz they like me but Since am family and am not there..it would look odd to the rest of the family members.
     
  7. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    I tried for two years malstrom...
    Even when they do conference calls..they will talk to each other and I will only be listening.if I try to talk,they will not care..

    I don’t know what to do...this cousins wife is just forcing herself into the family and my co sister also encourages it.I feel it makes no sense for me to go there and get ignored..
     
  8. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    If I were you, I would be very happy with this situation...
    1.. Cousins wife overdoes, handles all house work...it is an opportunity to relax and I would be relieved....after all housework and cooking is so tiring and monotonous and I would appreciate the break during get togethers...probably put in a free words of fake appreciation about how hard working they are..
    2. I would be happy if not forced to be friends and remain as acquaintances..
    3. Would just spend time with kids and play some games and be the cool auntie..
    4. Would be very glad that the attention and affection of the co sister is occupied by cousin and no force to get the attention and approval of them..
    5. Would be glad to have they freedom to question their mistakes directly as no one else questions them...
    Also why do you want to go and help them when they're not going to appreciate you? Just ask politely if they need help, they'll say no then back off...just maintain polite and cordial relations with them, let the kids play and enjoy the get together.. and then stop thinking about them later...if you try to get someone's approval it hurts but if you dont care you'll feel so light. And no it's not easy to cut them off especially in a foreign country but being smarta and cool will help you even if you need to attend these gatherings often.
     
  9. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    True..if it was three friends, my expectations won’t be a lot but when I am family and have done a lot for my co sister and they diss me for someone who is not even related..anyways.

    I messaged them and don’t know what they conversed,both stopped talking to me.No phone calls or messages.My co sister has no brain and do not understand which relation is actually important.

    I messaged them casually and they did not bother after that.It will be u comfortable to meet them face to face later..
     
  10. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes but think of advantages..you don’t need to bother keeping in touch or doing anything for them..just hi bye relation is ok...
    Sometimes family disappoint and we may find solace in friends...
    You seem to be an over sensitive person..why don’t you focus your time and energies in studying some course instead? Once the pandemic ends, you can be employed and you would be too busy to attend get togethers or think about them...
    Many such cases in my family circle too, in many cases, Co sisters only maintain hi bye relation during functions and festivals...due to family politics..
    Better to find like minded friends who genuinely like you for what you are...
    I’ve faced similar disappointments, and will tell you for a fact that when your mins and body are busy you’ll have less time for non sense from others...
    For your sanity atleast pls try to get a job...
    I have faced similar prob...when unemployed I used to over think everything..and felt bad when my close friends and cousins isn’t respond to me...but once I got another job amen became busy, seriously I had no time or energy to brood...
    Now I’m again unemployed..I also over think..over the people in my life whom I valued and not in touch with ..I feel being unemployed makes me a sentimental fool...
     
    anika987 likes this.
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