Is this part of the culture? Do wedding gifts go to groom's parents?

Indian culture is very vast n diverse...custom changes at every place n in every community....
I am completely indian and married in even same community still my mil makes every nonsense things as some custom in the family....ofcourse i know tht she is lying as later on she will come up with some other custom exactly opposite of former one....
so dont get into this culture or custom kind of things....see how ur inlaws are and how much u can trust them....take things as par ur right n wrong...
leave the issues which u dont think are inportant....fight for wht are imp. To u....
dont get any discount for customs n traditions if u feel tht u are bothered by the issue....
if u r troubled by this gifting thing ....then tell them wht ur expectations are ....else let it go...

 

Sorry America girl. But you may never be accpeted into their family. Keep an eye on your husband. The day he starts singing songs about going back to India, gently bring him back to USA.

I cont send message to you.. but where you have learnt so much of English ?
Just trying to understand, Cindrella is a Miss, right. What is the meaning of Mr. C ?

 

Hmm, not sure what's wrong ...

That's a joke. I was referring to posts about the men who can't / won't cook, are not 'allowed' in the kitchen. There have been a spate of those lately. The name Cinderella comes from the French 'Cendrillon' meaning 'little ashes' (the original version of the fairy tale is derived from folk tales, made famous by 17 cent. French author Charles Perrault). I was simply imagining the sons being saved by their ever vigilant mothers from the ashes of a wood-fire kitchen. Sorry, not much of a 'joke' as it turns out, my annoyance got the better of me, will try to do better next time.

 

I can't stress enough on this...Don't ever fall for this trap.

 

My ILs also kept all gifts given to me and DH from ILs relatives. No explanations, no revealing what the gift was (wrapped boxes and closed envelopes of money). I guess that happens in some families. They also didn't spend one rupee on our wedding. I let it go because I felt the relatives were theirs and not mine.

They also kept some gifts given to me and DH by my side. Later on I came to know that such gifts were passed on to SIL and her H, when they posted pictures of them wearing it and when she bragged about it.

Now I make sure that my ILs don't get their hands on any current gifts from my side.

Just make sure that you don't gift their relatives in return and whenever the relatives ask you how the gift was, specify clearly that you didn't get it.

 

It's not a part of the culture, but a common behaviour displayed by groom's parents.

My PILs also kept all the gifts (was mostly cash only) that were given by my DH side. But they made sure to hand me the ones gifted from my side. According to them, their side gifted for them only, not for us.

I couldnt care less... there was so much else going on. Anyway, that was a huge amount of cash in total - but they left it in their house along with all the cash and jewellery that they had forced my family to give them as dowry too, and went out of town. Their home was broken in and they lost aaaalll of it!!! So much for being greedy notdonesmiley

 

Not sure whether it is Indian culture or not. Because India is too big with so many people with diverse culture. But one thing I should stress here is...

I had married an Indian, it was an inter-faith marriage just like yours, and everything you have pointed above had happened in my marriage for real.

One of my good friend also married an Indian, again the same as us, i.e inter-faith marriage. She too was suffering the same with almost all the issues raised above.

From the wedding gifts to change of promises to cheating to every single thing mentioned here happened with both of us.

They said, it was their culture and it was very common among Indian women to accept this and brush it off. But what I read here in this forum says a complete different opinion.

However, many threads from many affected women do inter-change so much similar stories with their life and seek guidance here. It is indeed really confusing.

Although I had suffered a hell like marriage in the past, I was able to control everything within 5 years of my marriage by being really, really strong.

My in laws and husband had no respect for those who really respected them. So, I became so mean (only with them) to get the deserved respect. It worked.

All I understood from whatever my limited experience with my Indian in laws and families is:

- They are patriarchal society. They believe a man and his family has a upper hand in the marriage.
That means, they spend less, they expect financial and physical support from the couple, they have their own rules, and they want that to be implemented in the new family.
They have less respect for the bride and her family. They expect both the bride and the family to be one step lower than them.
Eg: if both are invited to your house for an event, you are expected to treat your in laws as kings, and your parents are a bit lower to them. So all the facilities, services etc..etc.. are different in standards. And they think it is normal.

Again, when it comes to faith related stuff... Don't stick to what you had discussed with your man already.
Because his decisions after marriage is highly influenced with his mom's and dad's decision.
Everyone (i mean everyone, including this forum members) will expect you to adhere to your husband's change of mind and compromise your faith because you are a wife. If not, you are labelled as stubborn, religiously intolerant, racist etc..etc..

You may feel you have been cheated by them, and your rights have been violated. But they will feel otherwise, i.e you have violated their rights.
In fact, there will be people to sympathize with your spouse and in laws for your basic expectation to keep up the marriage promises. As a woman, you can't expect this. All the way, you are expected to compromise only.

And finally, they will question you as to why the hell did you marry him if you can't accept him and his culture?
Why the hell did you marry him if you can't mingle with his faith?
Why the hell did you marry him if you are an outsider to your in laws' family that you can't take part in their family's pride (whatever the Hindu custom, which you may not be able to adhere due to your faith)
And blame you to bring shame to your in laws' family.

So, be prepared with this. Nothing as such is highlighted in any website or blogs or articles. because I too have done a big research before marriage. It is just my experience that made me write here.

But, I am no longer a victim. As I told you, the more you respect and try to accommodate, the less they value as a person. So, stand on your own rules as it is your life.

This is not to offend anyone here. JMO though

 

Boy! What a cheap lot! Clearly it is her passive-aggressive way of getting back at you. Ignore her. Don't engage with her. Don't let her drag you down to her level. Never rely on her for anything. Be extra careful when their grandchildren eventually arrive...

 

I am surprised about one thing...

None of the ralatives from your In Law's side actually "handed" the gift to you / hubby during the ceremony / reception ??

that part is a bit wierd to me ..