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Is this married life?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by breadbutterjam, Jan 17, 2010.

  1. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    BBJ, I am in a similar marriage for over 6 yrs now... it depends on your patience and requirements in life...
    Sometimes these addictions are prior to marriage when guys are not allowed by their own family to get friendly with gals or to invite their friends or to stay night outs... its more of a Nazi upbriniging in the world of today.. and old habits die hard... No matter how hard you try its difficult to get even close to the physical looks of those ladies on the net.. which may be a s/w design or a photoshop edit.

    P2L chose a route to keep herself happy from a daily torture.. I chose to have babies to make my life busier. I saw no sureity of finding X-compatibility after walking out of this marriage cos for that u need to be prepared for a Live in relationships.. also when u get ready for them then the partner with whom u feel xompatible maynot be in the mood to commit for marriage.
     
  2. pursuit2liife

    pursuit2liife New IL'ite

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    I agree with ShilpaMa that there ain't a surety that you will find a 100% compatible partner, also you may have to wait for a good amount of time to find one - Once bitten , twice shy! But i happen to differ in the live-in relationship thing.I don't think that's a moral recourse to take.If there are divorced gals, there r guys too...u need not necessarily get into a live-in really in order to prove u r compatible.

    But yeah it depends on how strongly prepared you can be to face this challenge and ofcourse everyone has several factors to consider based on their individual circumstances.No one can help you or guide you to take such a crucial decision of your life..its you..and only you who can after carefully assessing the pros n cons and seeking advice of your family or ppl whom you trust the most!!
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2010
  3. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    This was exactly my case... But since our sex life was good, I was able to take his ego and he was able to take my tantrums since at the end of the day we knew we would have a happy sex episode .. so tolerating all these quirks were easier... If there wasnt any physical activity, even little things are irritable and tends to make us bitter.

    First building your sex life would help u in many ways. Go to the doctor and loosen up your vagina surgically. Then try again and again till its comfortable for you. There are a lot of sites to know about the ways to have pleasure. Without having a normal sex life, there is no point in making a hue and cry about other things ...
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2010
  4. breadbutterjam

    breadbutterjam New IL'ite

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    Thanks rosegirl for your suggestions.

    ShilpaMa, felt sad to hear that you are going through the same thing for over 6 years. I just wanted to ask you something, if you dont mind. Why did you feel like bringing a baby into this relationship? Was it just you wanted to become a mother or was it because you thought a baby would change your husband /your relationship in some way or no particular reason.

    GiJoe, I really want to confront him , but my DH has a habit of lying for everything - small ,silly/ insignificant things and big matters. On the other hand , I rarely lie. I am not praising myself or something. I dont feel the need to lie about something. I have been known in my family and friend's circle to be a person who doesnt lie.

    I came to know DH lies about everything only after we got married and lived together for a while. I know some people say white lies, but I dont understand when he lies about everything, even things which are so trivial. Its like a habit. His parents also lie about everything (which also I came to know only after marriage) .

    Anyway so the point is, in the past he has lied about small stuff and big stuff, that I find it hard to trust him and on top of that now having this separate bank account which I am not aware of . Since I found out about this accidently , I dont know how to confront him. My mind tells me that even if I confront him , he is not going to change, he will continue it but be doubly careful that I dont come to know about it.
     
  5. GiJoe

    GiJoe Silver IL'ite

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    One step at a time, you know what he earns so check his bank account regularly and keep track of his expense. If you don’t want to do anything and think everything will become normal then you are living in a dream world you have to start thinking about ways to change his lifestyle.
     
  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    BBJ, yes I wanted to mother a child as this would have given me a new reason to remain cheerful & busy. I had no plans to venture out into another marriage or to bear another torture of a different sort if not this one... if I were one of those lucky few then I would have got everything in this marriage itself.

    Also this incompatibility was not killing me day in and out. Thankfully post kids I feel a lot occupied in job & taking care of them. I had no hopes that he would change but yes things are a bit better than what they were.. even he doesn't get time for those porny sites on a regular basis cos kids just pull down all the wires & internet & phone connection :crazy!!! Maybe in these years he also read how to coordinate so guess he's also not that rigid anymore that he can do it only in 1 way. Also child bearing and pregnancy brings few changes in a female body psycologically & physically to bear a lot of things as per the convinience of the other person & here the learning sample is CHILD.
    You have to feed the child as per child's convinience.. you have to produce a child in a way of best benefit to the child... even the most inflexible vagina can bring a baby down to this world. Also when ur in a OT or labour room you have to listen to their instructions (dosc/anasth/ nurses) & behave according to them whether its as per ur convinience or no & you finally learn that there was a positive outcome.
     
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  7. indianguy2010

    indianguy2010 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi 'breadbutterjam'

    Here are my comments. (Portions of your post is reproduced in brown)

    Not really liked by people, doesnt give any importance for relationships. When he was in college he had some friends and had fun with them ,but as soon as college days were over,he lost touch with everyone. He is like that with everybody- even now at work, has some collegeues to whom he is friendly but I am sure once we leave this place, he is not going to be in touch with them

    That is perfectly normal. Some individuals do not like to make friends. That is the way your man is also made.

    Our values , way of thinking - everything is different.

    Fine, nothing unusual about it. Most couple are like that only.

    I accepted it mainly, because I had always decided to go for arranged marriage and trust my parent's decision and secondly because education was an important criterion for me

    Absolutely fine. Having faith in arranged marriage is not at all ,bad.

    En number of issues with inlaws- They started sitting on my head and trying to control us and I kept quite since I was the new bride. They tortured me emotionally.

    99 % of In Laws are like your In Laws only. Their existence is meant to bring misery to the DIL. (of course 1 % In Laws do love their DIL as their own daughter, that is another issue).
    Everything my husband knew but didnt do anything about it

    Again, nothing unusual about it. Even when my mom tortured my wife, at least for the first few years, I did not (rather could not) do anything about it.
    but atleast the time I and my husband used to be together, I used to cherish and enjoy...

    fantastic..!

    we are not able to resolve issues. ..... Anyway we dont have a good communication -

    Nothing unsual about it also. So many couple do have this conflict phase now and then.

    we started trying to have sex, but I was having pain due to vaginal tightness despite using lubricant.

    In some women, it is normal. the hymen (the membranous structure at the entrance of the vagina) would be unusually tight, preventing penetration of penis. I have come across couple who could not have penetrative sex even for months after marriage. Then, the wife undergoes a corrective surgery to remove the tight hymen, then penetrative sex becomes possible. In your case, you say you have already met the gynecologist. You must have spoken about the issue. So, the Gynecologist must have examined for abnormally tight hymen. Was it an issue ?

    Now its two years, we still havent really had sex. . He is the least bit interested in sex. . Nowadays it has gone to such an extent that I have to literally "force" him and he says "no" or else says "yes" only because he doesnt want me to complain. This makes me feel so rejected.

    PENETRATIVE SEX HAVING NOT TAKEN PLACE EVEN ONCE IN THE TWO YEARS, IS TOTALLY ABNORMAL. It means technically your marriage has not been consummated at all. (one penetrative sex makes the marriage consummated). Your tight vagina is not abnormal. But your man's indifference and lack of interest in penetrative sex is CERTAINLY ABNORMAL. In real life, such couple do seek an intervention by a Gynecologist or a Professional Councellor, or both, to address the issue of inability to have penetrative sex, mostly at the initiative of the husband. Because, the husband will be certainly eager to start penetrative sex. (this does not mean that wife will not be interested in penetrative sex, of course, she too will be interested, but the husband will be aggressively interested ). I am just saying , more than the wife, husband will be restless in starting penetrative sex. I have seen this restlessness in husbands vividly in real life. After the corrective surgery by the Gynecologists, the husbands would be curiously asking, "when can I try penetration". We have to tell the hubby, "wait for at least a week. let the would heal.". But in your case, your hubby is totally NOT INTERESTED IN PENETRATIVE SEX, at all. IT IS ABNORMAL, I repeat, IT IS ABNORMAL. You both, require intervention by a Professional Councellor having experience in handling such issues. Mere sharing of the problem in websites like this , will make you certainly understand the issue , holistically, but, will not solve the issue.

    For solving it , you have to get an intervention by a Councellor. What is the reason why he is not interested in penetrative sex. That is not known to you, nor me. This is what the Councellor would find out using time tested councelling methods, after lengthy sessions of councelling. It is their professional job. They take a detailed history and do detailed examination and find out the diagnosis (the reason) why your husband is like this. The reason may be anything. Just for example, it can be simply a loss of confidence to penetrate, after experiencing pain in the beginning, or lack of interest in sex due to abuse suffered in childhood (usually women are victims of this situation, but boys are also abused in childhood). We can not exactly guess what is the reason in his case. There is a big list of reasons. Let us not go into that detail now. Because, you will be misled.

    Then I found out accidently that for past 4 years he has an account in a website where you can sex chat and video chat. For the past 2 years,he has been spending almost 500$ per month on this . ..... but what pisses me off is the fact that he is having "Sex Video Chats " -where he sees other women online in the website and video chats with them(only he can see them).

    Let us not go into the issue of whether online sex chat is cheating or not. It is altogether a different topic. Let us concentrate on the only one issue now. That is his lack of interest in penetrative sex. His interest in other women's nudity in **** clearly rules out the possibility of he being a gay. (sometimes , gay men remain totally uninterested in sex with women). Here, your man is not a gay. He seems to be heterosexually orineted only. He is interested in nudity of **** females, not you. That is amazing. Of course, a husband, after a steady sex life ( frequent penetrative sex for the first one / two years) for an year or two, may lose interest in his wife, due to conflict and then lose interest in penetrative sex, for the rest of his life. There will be thousands of such couple, who can count their days of sex like five times in an year, ten times in an year. But, these couples would have had plenty of penetrative sex, at least the initial period of one / two years. In your case, PENETRATIVE SEX DID NOT TAKE PLACE EVEN ONCE.

    And you are not seeking Professional Help, till two years, now. That is amazing, and impossible for me to undertand.

    No more discussion of the problem in indusladies.com is going to lead to solution. Now, you have enough information. Acknowledge, what you are having is really a big problem, which needs solution at the hands of a Professional Councellor, using standardised councelling procedures. It may be a time taking , expensive procedure. More than one session may be needed. But, you have to convince your man for it. If he denies any problem exists..........then, you have to first make him agree that this is the number one problem in your life. He has to come with you for councelling. With proper councelling, he can be made normal, by a good councellor. If this confidence comes to him, he will come with you to coucellor ,by himself. Make him feel , that it is not his mistake only. You and him have to jointly work as a team in seeking a solution to this problem. Do not put the blame entirely on his head only. Say, that you love him, that is why you want a solution to this problem.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2010
  8. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    Dear indianguy2010,

    Your post was excellent but (if you don't mind me telling) you mentioned something that disturbs me:

    Even when my mom tortured my wife, at least for the first few years, I did not (rather could not) do anything about it.

    Why are you guys being so mean and unfair to your wife? Why do you guys don't mind and have heart to hurt your wife rather than your mum?

    Most of you would say it's because you respect your mum and no matter what she's your mum and your wife must respect her regardless the bad treatment she receives from her MIL. Some say you don't want your mum to misinterpret that your wife has suddenly become your priority now after all these years you being so close and loving with your mum. Misinterpret? That is a fact. Your wife has to be your priority.

    I am very sure of the reason why most of you guys don't stand for your wife.
    It's your ego. You are worried that ppl might judge you as being manipulated by your wife. You don't want ppl to think your priorities have now changed to your wife, when your parents were your priority before your wife came into your life.

    indianguy2010, based on your views you deliver in all your post you sound very matured and experienced and I have began to respect you. But now I am disappointed with your treatment towards your wife. ):

    Don't you think it's your responsibility to stand for your wife when anyone 'tortures' her? You should have nicely told your mum that you respect and love her but you will not tolerate when she or anyone treats your wife badly.

    Thanks.
     
  9. indianguy2010

    indianguy2010 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi 'sadwife'

    Please do not jump to conclusions, before learning the entire story.

    I am very sure of the reason why most of you guys don't stand for your wife. It's your ego. You are worried that ppl might judge you as being manipulated by your wife.

    It is not ego. It is helplessness which makes us dumb, when we see our mothers torture our wives. There is a hell lot of difference between 'ego' and 'helplessness'. I had written that I could not do anything for the first two years only. I did not mention what happened after that.

    My mother went on torturning my wife, (though we lived separately) in every possible interaction. I tolerated everything, silently requested my wife to bear with it. But, at one stage, my mother crossed the limits. She went to the extent of shouting at my wife's father in a public place. That was the time, I lost my control and intervened, asked my mom, to shut her mouth.

    Then, my mom went to the extent of physically beating my wife. These were the two incidents, which made me, lose my patience. I scolded my mother, wildly, for her barbaric act. I asked my wife to go to the local All Women's Police Station, to lodge a complaint of physical assault on my wife. I was so adamant to put my mother behind bars. Will you believe, my wife pardoned my mother. That was the time, my respect for my wife soared to high levels. That was the day, I lost all my relationship with my mom. This incident took place six years ago. After that, till this date, I have not spoken a single word to my mom.

    I am not ashamed to say, I have thrown her(mom) out of my life, once for all. I am basically from Tamil Nadu. Just to avoid all interactions with my mom, I intentionally took a transfer to a far away place in North India and we are living in this North Indian city for the past so many years.

    This forum does not allow exchange of phone numbers and email ids. So, pay the fee (it is very nominal) and make yourself a "Private Message User". Then I will give you my wife's mobile number. You can talk to her and confirm the above, yourself.

    The above reality is not shared by me to you, to impress you or any one. This is my life's most happy as well as most sad event. Happy because, my wife won my heart for ever, by asking me not to lodge a Police complaint against my mother, for her act of physical assault. From that day, I have surrendered myself to my wife totally.

    Sad, because, I have no relationship with my mother, for more than six years now.

    (Moderators, sorry for distracting this thread. 'Sadwife' does not have private message user status. Hence, I was in compulsion to share the above , in this thread itself. Please send her details of how to make her 'private message user')
     
  10. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    Dear indianguy2010,

    Hat's off to you for your brave actions without hesitation to put your mother behind the bars when her acts were intolerable. :bowdown

    You also did the right thing by scolding your mother when she insulted your FIL.

    Your wife also did the right thing by stopping legal actions to be carried out on your mother.
    Well, I don't encourage this for everyone and all the time. No one has the right to hurt anyone physically.

    Hope all the guys out there would take some relevant actions like you based on their situations.

    I hope you are not angry with me and will continue to give your advice when I post something or open new threads. :hide:

    Thank you.
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2010

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