Is this married life?

breadbutterjam · Jan 17, 2010

I dont know what to do. Came to know of this website while browsing for something else and felt you all give real good advice. So I decided to post my problem here.

Been married for two years now. Arranged marriage.

A little introduction about us .

I am known to be a very caring girl, have lots of friends ,very much liked by most people,good looking , hardworking, smart and talented, good at studies. I values all relationships alot and keep in touch with my family ,most relatives and friends.

DH is extremely good at work, was an excellent student,hardworking, intelligent, has modern outlook,extremely knowledgable. Not really liked by people, doesnt give any importance for relationships. When he was in college he had some friends and had fun with them ,but as soon as college days were over,he lost touch with everyone. He is like that with everybody- even now at work, has some collegeues to whom he is friendly but I am sure once we leave this place, he is not going to be in touch with them. So we dont have any friends other than whom I have come to know from here. But as he doesnt enjoy their friendship, we rarely meet them, only if there is some gettogether or party. DH doesnt even know majority of his own uncle's and aunt's and cousin's names even. He doesnt care. For him , his world is his parents, siblings and now me. And the worst part is he never misses not having a friend.

DH doesnt get affected by anything. He can disassociate himself from any situation because he has no real attatchments. If something bad happens, he'll feel sad for that moment but very soon he can come out of it. He just loves to see TV , read books , watch movies, eat good food. By doing all this, he becomes happy.Where as I am a normal sensitive person, who gets affected by things. He doesnt mind me geting affected (he doesnt get angry or mood off) , but he can never sympathise or empathise.

Our values , way of thinking - everything is different.

Reason why we got married:

My parents found this alliance and felt extremely happy as he comes from a very good family , who are well off also and he is very qualified and had a very good job. I accepted it mainly, because I had always decided to go for arranged marriage and trust my parent's decision and secondly because education was an important criterion for me and he is well qualified and thirdly, when we started talking over phone, we kind of vibed well.

After marriage :

En number of issues with inlaws- They started sitting on my head and trying to control us and I kept quite since I was the new bride. They tortured me emotionally. Everything my husband knew but didnt do anything about it. Due to their controlling issues and because I had some pain due to tight vagina, we didnt have sex. 1 month after marriage he had to leave to US and I joined him only after few months. Again those months I was staying with inlaws and it was hell for me. Finally when I was going to join my husband , I was going praying to God that some how I should get the strength to make this marriage work- as I was even worried whether we wouldnt be able to make it work.

After coming here:

First 2 months, he was very loving to me. And I started feeling happy . Ofcourse inlaws used to call ( still call )and spoil my life, but atleast the time I and my husband used to be together, I used to cherish and enjoy.

Then I started realising if I agree to everything he says things will be fine, but I am not supposed to speak angrily with him or convey my opinion in an irritated manner. If you are angry ,how can one always be extremely polite. I am not telling about calling bad words or names. He cannot accept me using an angry tone with him. So we are not able to resolve issues. When I try to tell him something, he closes up like a clam or gets angry with me and wont listen to my reasoning. So obviously I will get angry . Sometimes when I am so frustrated , I burst out crying and that even doesnt melt his heart. I am not crying to gain sympathy but just out of anger and frustration. Anyway we dont have a good communication - if we r talking normal things or joking it is great , any difference in opinion , he wont even listen without getting angry with me.

After I came to US, we started trying to have sex, but I was having pain due to vaginal tightness despite using lubricant. But I used to notice that he didnt have so much urge to have sex. It used to be a monthly activity or maybe twice a month. I even went to a gynacologist.

Then as the months passed by only I realised his character and lack of attachment and ability to disassociate. And also started noticing that he was having too much of lack of interest in sex. Now its two years, we still havent really had sex. He hugs and kisses me regularly and often, but it doesnt go beyond that. He is the least bit interested in sex. When I tell him, he makes up all sorts of excuses - either tired, or sick etc etc. Nowadays it has gone to such an extent that I have to literally "force" him and he says "no" or else says "yes" only because he doesnt want me to complain. I never used to complain about this, but when I see complete lack of interest, I cannot help but talk, which leads to a little bit of complaining. Finally when we end up doing something , he is angry with me for forcing him and I am angry because of his attitude . I try to ignore his attitude and try to enjoy but I know for him sex is a big chore and he doesnt enjoy . This makes me feel so rejected.

Then I found out accidently that for past 4 years he has an account in a website where you can sex chat and video chat. For the past 2 years,he has been spending almost 500$ per month on this . I can understand if a grown up man wants to watch **** once in a while. Maybe it is too much to ask for him to watch **** with his wife, but what pisses me off is the fact that he is having "Sex Video Chats " -where he sees other women online in the website and video chats with them(only he can see them). I have indirectly mentioned to him how much I hate and cannot men who do this and that i feel it is equivalent to cheating , but since he is doing all this on the sly, he acts innocent. I know if I confront him , he will just create another account and will be doubly careful not to make me know about it. I am sure he wont stop. I just hate the very fact that he is sex chatting with these women and having video chats with them(only he can see them) .

I love him and he says he loves me but I really dont know where our marriage is heading.

I have lost all my confidence and sometimes wonder whether I should even end this marriage.:drowning Please advise me .

breadbutterjam · Jan 17, 2010

110 views and no replies.

Please friends, I need your advice / suggestions.

dilens mom · Jan 17, 2010

Hi buddy,
I dont know what to say, but i can pray for u .
Be positive.
U know ur situation very well. so stay calm and think ,u get good solution.
Bye for the moment.

yesican · Jan 17, 2010

Hello Breadbutterjam,

It appears/seems to you that your hubby is reluctant to have sex because when a man knows he can’t get sex at home he tries to control his urges(at least a nice, decent man does) - he knows however hard you try/entice him to have sex you cant deliver at the end of the day, so the way his mind is working is "let me not go down the path of trying to have sex with my wife, coz we wont be able to have it and I will be left frustrated and aroused which is even more painful than not having sex, so I will not even think of sex with my wife ".

Also understand that the sexual urge in a man(and woman) is a very very powerful biological urge, your guy ****-chatting etc. is understandable, of course not the right thing to do, but as I said, understandable(he's not getting any at home for the last 2 years - he's not having sex with a girlfriend/mistress/prostitute/or worst case scenario divorced you because of non-consumation of marriage(a legally valid reason for divorce).

Your immediate challenge is to have sex with your hubby - if your gynae has said there is some physical issue that you have that prevents you from having IC deal with that first, it's not your hubby's vagina that's tight that's preventing him from having IC right?

If your gynae says you have no physical issue but is more psycho-sexual then deal with that - that means accepting your hubby wholeheartedly in your mind and in your heart, developing a positive, good relationship with him outside the bedroom not thinking critically of him(and forget abt the inlaws - dont let mil/fil come between you in bedroom issues). There seems to be an undercurrent of dissatisfaction with your husband's nature/character, not based on any negative traits (as far as I can gather), but simply differences in character. So what if he is not around friends all the time, so what if is not affected by whatever is going around him - I would say he has a positive outlook on life and can look past obstacles/challenges and make himself happy(an art which a lot of ppl dont have, they always depend on ppl around them to make themselves happy). I would say there are 2 types of ppl who dont have a huge circle of friends - ppl lacking self-confidence/having too many insecurities or at the other end of the spectrum, ppl who are very confident of themselves and are comfortable being with themselves and their thoughts. Based on what you've said here, it seems your hubby is not the anti-social types with 0 friends, but more of an introvert/loner maybe with a small circle of friends. Understand that this is just his nature, just like your nature might be more of a friendly, gregarious type - nothing wrong in either, but do understand that with the wisdom and maturity that every marriage requires that you'll have to balance both these natures.

I'm sorry to say this, but if you had wanted to know abt your future hubby's nature and character in depth prior to marriage you should have opted for a "love" marriage, not an arranged one, and depended on your own judgement of choosing your own spouse, instead of depending on mummy-daddy's choice.

I know your issue's center around hubby looking at ****, differences in nature(few friends, less emotional), hubby's anger issues - my advise is first deal with the sex issue on a war footing in whatever way you can(medical/psycho-sexual...if everything else fails pray pray pray) and then see if those other issues resolve themselves.

All the best to you, hope this helps.(BTW I’ve assumed your hubby is a good guy with some imperfections, not a lying, torturing, spineless, characterless SOB that permeates the stories of so many women on these pages)

Ed to add: reason I've written such a long post is I was in your shoes, no IC for 2 yrs into marriage because it was painful for me, my hubby is a great guy(no he didnt watch **** or if he did I wasnt smart enough to catch him!) very affectionate, generous guy, but as time went by he too had anger issues(i understood his frustration), gradually stopped touching me/coming near me as time went by (I asked him why I had to force him to touch me/kiss me/hug me/try to have sex with me - he said it's very painful(physically, mentally) for guys to become aroused and then to leave them hanging so to speak), I went to gynae no physical issues but mental blocks against sex because of pain, conservative childhood where sex is not really discussed, my anger against in-laws for interference - all these mental issues prevented me from enjoying sex. I realized it was basically in my mind, drank a glass of wine to relax me first couple of times, prayed, prayed, prayed to god, and accepted my hubby with all my mind and heart with all his perfections and imperfections! We have a great bedroom life now (of course life is not perfect, it never is!) - my only regret is we wasted 2 yrs of marriage with so much negativity.

breadbutterjam · Jan 18, 2010

Thanks Dilens mom for your prayers. Please do pray for me.

Hi Yesican, Thanks for your suggestions. Actually my issue is not about my husband's character. i just gave a brief introduction about us thats all. Ofcourse his lack of attatchement and disassociation does upset me , but thats a different issue alltogether. Even inlaws , yes i hate them...But all that is not my issue .

My issue is us not having any intercourse. Yes I had the problem of a tight vagina , which I why I went to the gynacologist and I did all the needful that she asked me to do. She told me there is nothing wrong with me.

My husband lacks total interest in this area. He just doesnt feel like doing anything. Now I came to know accidently that he is "sex chatting" since 4 years. As he is "sex chatting" , he is fulfilling his needs. If he was seeing ****, to an extent , I would have been able to understand. Because maybe one can think of **** as just watching a movie or something, but I cant bear the fact that he is chatting with these strangers(who are real people and are online at the same time that he is online) and seeing them nude and doing whatever happens in such chat rooms.

It is his attitude about this that is putting me off. Still I try to encourage him to have sex with me. But how much and how long can I only initiate? And majority of the time when I initiate he says some excuse like being tired or sick etc and I feel so rejected. What do I do when he shows no interest absoultely and considers sex as a big chore!

yesican · Jan 18, 2010

"My husband lacks total interest in this area"

No he doesnt lack total interest dear - if he did he wouldnt be looking at the ****. If he's looking at **** and spending $500 a month on it, I would say he's VERY VERY interested in sex.

A more accurate statement would be - 'Husband lacks total interest in having sex WITH ME" - that "sex with me" is v crucial. If he doesnt want to have sex with you, romance him outside the bedroom(sex starts outside the bedroom, not just falling into bed), be cheerful and positive with him, dont nag, criticize him, make him feel safe and confident and MANLY around you on bedroom matters. He's already been rejected by you for 2 yrs in the bedroom(that's the way he prolly sees it) so you need to restore his confidence as a man. without that the sex aint going to happen for you.

And you seem to be hung up on the ****, I agree **** though bad is still tolerable, but the live video thing is bad, and chatting part. But what do you mean "As he is "sex chatting" , he is fulfilling his needs" - you are one immature lady if you think
a man can have satisfaction by "sex chatting" - ITS NOT HAVING REAL LIVE IC WITH A REAL LIVE LADY, HOW CAN HE BE SATISFIED???? IT'S JUST A SUBSTITUTE, AND A V POOR SUBSITUTE AT THAT!!!

Sit him down, have an open chat with him, tell him you want to try to have IC, tell him to lay off the chat/live video, maybe you 2 can sit together and watch mild ****(whatever that is!) - maybe learn something from those sex videos(you seem a bit clueless abt sex and satisfaction and men's psychology), see if this works for you like over a 30-60-90 day period(be patient). And if he's decided that he just doesnt want to have sex with you NO MATTER WHAT then it will be better if you divorce him, give him his freedom so he can go ahead marry again and hopefully have a healthy sex life.

All the best!

pursuit2liife · Jan 18, 2010

all i can say is plz be happy, don't lose control of your own life and don't take forever to take the correct decisions as time never waits for anyone.

pursuit2liife · Jan 18, 2010

Also, one more thing - i have come to realize that habits in ppl of not understanding the meaning of relationship with wife or of disassociating from you emotionally die hard.Despite of having numerous discussions with my DH on this , all i heard was - he knows he doesn't have a problem and may be i have one.I can come live with him if i want and take care of him and his family and shouldn't complain about anything.

So i feel such guys can never realize what they as well as their partners are missing in life and that will in turn bring more frustration within urself as there isn't much you can do to fix this!!

Life ain't any easier post Divorce but it's not that frustrating and saddening for sure as it is when you expect your partner (whom you love so genuinely) to be normal with you but he is just so indifferent on every occassion. Its not that i take pride in announcing that i am living separately from him and will seek divorce eventually but yes i atleast have a peace of mind and less frustration now-a-days and yes a ray of hope that life may get a little better in future.

breadbutterjam · Jan 18, 2010

Dear pursuit2life,
Felt really sad reading your post. There seems to be somethings in common between your DH and mine. Anyway I think peace of mind is really important, so I am sure you took the right decision with a lot of thought. I hope and pray that you have a better future.

GiJoe · Jan 18, 2010

breadbutterjam said: ↑

I know if I confront him , he will just create another account and will be doubly careful not to make me know about it. I am sure he wont stop. I just hate the very fact that he is sex chatting with these women and having video chats with them(only he can see them) .

I love him and he says he loves me but I really dont know where our marriage is heading.

I have lost all my confidence and sometimes wonder whether I should even end this marriage.:drowning Please advise me .
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You have to change his behavior, you have to get hold of his bank account and monitor his finance, so that he does not spend money on those sites. I think you have to have a open chat with him and find out what he thinks about sex and what excites him and take it from there, if you both don’t have a open conversation then you will not know the things you like and dislike.