Is This Marriage Worth?

NidhiA · Apr 11, 2016

Hello All,
Thanks for taking your time to read through this. I'm married for 14 years and at the peak of deciding either side of the wall to continue relation and posting here for some venting and possible suggestions -

I work full time and have kids with less age difference so quite hands full and challenging to parenting.
My husband is very mechanical, practical kind of person and does not share a lot of emotional chatting. Most of his friends come to him when they need something from him otherwise they don't entertain a close relation with him. He is a reserved kind of a guy that opens only to very few ppl. He has 2 jobs, the second one being his ownership. So after a day job he is not at home when kids are active and this has been the case since kids were born. I was digesting his his reserved nature, putting all the load of kids on me, and now he has a new health issue (psychological) and needs Dr. help. he is almost like handicapped. Although it was stressful for last 2 years to the peak, I have been with him when he needs to share about the issue, taken him to Dr., filled in at home more than my capacity can call for. Have suggested to walk out of second job but he says it is not easy to, and will take a long time to do that. It is a deadlock kind of situation for him with one thing worsening another. To me money is not the priority and have told him even if we walks out with loss, we should have no regrets.
There is no help from extended family , he was the one who took care of all his parents loans but now although his family members have time they are very formal, just chat with him formal once in a while. But what he needs is someone to accompany him every day and also look for next steps of treatment. I have had to play that role in addition to my day full with kids activities and job. People living in US might know how busy is it to raise kids here and I do all like a single parent. His sibling living in US does not bother to fill in any or take action on his health.

The question of the time is a recent argument where he blames me as cause for his health situation. I've heard such remark from in laws and know when this seed is planted in his mind.
While of late this health issue of him was almost on top of my capacity and while I felt I was being a victim, his remark on me being reason for all of this hurt me very deep and is out of my capacity to take it.

I felt what is the point of being in a relationship and if I have wasted all of my years of life. He does not seem motivated to change any for kids thinks his siblings/parents there for him and their formal check in once in a month counts but me supporting the family needs or him does not count. I left with kids to my friends place and came back after few days, as I needed a break , kids needed some time and that might make him realize the value of company. He did realize how he misses kids, but he thought the vacation will help me think better, instead . He is the same to me , 0 change and ready to blame again.
I stopped talking to him completely and instead of worrying over him diverted my focus to only kids and get happiness by spending time with them. It helps me not to be depressed as I used to be before. But we live like guests in same home with me taking care of all kids needs and he after all his 2 jobs are done gets few minutes of fun time with kids and does not need anything from me or leaves to me entirely on what is needed for kids.
Is this what married life is supposed to be? What is the point of living together in a house like this? I think he occasionally shares with his family and they conveniently blame me, and instead of them looking for action on his health situation they just suggest him to stay away from home. It is kids happiness that is important to me and I did not want them to be deprived of attention from both parents, but on the other hand all the years of my life after marriage have not seen a good partner and why should I continue living like a single parent but also give him the ability to be with kids without being responsible for them?
Even in past when am upset I stay quiet for few days and while am bursting inside, he simply ignores and I have to come back and start being normal with him while he would not ask or change anything. Same thing continues and am extremely unhappy as a wife and he is not bothered to ask or talk. He seems happy that am not questioning him on his inability to take care of kids needs. I feel some shock treatment is needed and I would rather go away to live separately with kids and myself in a different home or go to the court. I need him to change, realize the value for relationship with partner if not there is no worth and would rather live separated. Is this relation really worth?

NidhiA · Apr 12, 2016

Hi Any replies to my post pls.

sokanasanah · Apr 12, 2016

NidhiA said: ↑

My husband is very mechanical, practical kind of person and does not share a lot of emotional chatting.
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I understand why this is difficult for you!

... needs Dr. help. he is almost like handicapped.
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It is easy to see that this must be very stressful for you.

... hurt me very deep and is out of my capacity to take it.
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This is understandable. It is rare when people really grasp the burdens placed on a caretaker!

... he blames me as cause for his health situation. I've heard such remark from in laws ...
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This I do not understand. Why does he blame you? What, according to him, is the problem? He is busy with his career and business, unavailable to you as a husband and humsafar / jeevan-saathi, you are busy with your job, home and children. So far, that sounds like the very traditional compromise forced on (or invited by, even unwittingly?) so many couples. What is his problem? Is this a facet of his illness or independent of it?

...why should I continue living like a single parent ...
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In principle, you don't have to.

... also give him the ability to be with kids without being responsible for them?
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His irresponsibility places a great burden on you. That can be very rough. I understand. That 'give' though is an unfortunate word choice. His connection to the children derives from the fact of his being their father; Although I understand that being your husband is part of that picture, being a poor husband does not overrule his fatherhood, even if he is a 'hands-off' Dad. As long as he is not a danger or a negative influence on the children, try to see that father-children relationship from the kids' point of view. If they want a relationship with him, then leave it be. Don't muddle marital problems with parenting problems - I know that they spill into each other, but at least accept that they are not completely coextensive. The kids need at least one responsible parent and you're it - difficult as it is for you.

I feel some shock treatment is needed and I would rather go away to live separately with kids and myself in a different home or go to the court. I need him to change, realize the value for relationship with partner if not there is no worth and would rather live separated. Is this relation really worth?
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Everything you have mentioned here is an option, but it is not skillful to articulate choices and actions in terms of 'shock-treatment'. That approach places him at the center. It is better that you operate within the locus of your control. You cannot chnage someone unless they are themselves ready for that change. You can however try to figure out what is best for you and try to work on that.

I am really sorry that you are having such a rough time. Hope you are able to sort this out, so that things get better!

vani098 · Apr 12, 2016

Hey did boys never change . I don't know y all like this they are actually sick. No responsibility bathing. Y this kind of people get get married waste a women's life.

JGVR · Apr 12, 2016

OP,

Silent treatment never works with H.He would think that everything is normal with you if you don't talk or ignore him for a few days.Rather sit and talk.Let him know the pressure and stress it causes you when you are blamed.Recollect and list all those things you did to him.

Also if your H cannot leave the second job for which he is owner,check if he can quit the first job and have this second one alone until situation and health improves.

Rihana · Apr 12, 2016

Only you can decide if the marriage is worth it. Once you have made the decision, others can support you and help you. But that decision has to be yours.

It is a big decision to make. Your life, two kids, and in a way, even your husband's life, depend on your decision.

You need to evaluate the options, the pros and cons, and much more, with a certain level of calm. You cannot stay separately while you evaluate your options. So, do what has worked a bit - reduce (not stop) the talking to him, instead of worrying over him divert your focus to only kids and get happiness by spending time with them, and finding a little time now and then that is your me-time (hard as that will be). Reduce your availability to help him with his doctor visits, research on next steps.

Consciously, very consciously, control the resentment you feel that he gets to spend time with the kids, and be with them, while you are doing all the care of them. View that as something you are putting up with so the kids have a 'regular' family.

Once some time has gone by with you focusing more on kids, yourself, less on him,and with you feeling less resentful about him being a free-loader, then, evaluate your options, your feelings, and what you want to do. You are essentially buying time to make your mental frame such that you can make a well-thought-out decision.

I have an idea of what it takes to raise children in the U.S., and your description shows what you've gone through, what you are putting up with, and it is commendable that you are able to put it down so lucidly, while keeping the specifics of his ailment unspecified.

Good Luck. Hope you find the peace and strength you and your kids need.
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momsky · Apr 12, 2016

I feel sorry for you OP but I feel somewhat more sad for your husband if he looses a gem of a person like you. His type usually tends to push people away esp. those who truly cares for them as if they are testing the person's loyalty... I don't know why they do this but this is what i noticed.

NidhiA · Apr 12, 2016

Thank you all for your replies and your time. SokanaSanah , the reason my husband quotes is that he gets stressed out when am angry on him for the so called above reasons and which in turn is impacting his health and stress Got only knows about how am doing with all running around and also depression sometimes of not having a 'matured adult' conversation at home ! On the other hand I do see your point on the thought of 'giving' kids time to him. Yes I have felt that too, for the kids I love can't I just give them the complete family picture too, yes that makes sense.
But me keeping quiet gives him probably a free thought and he is just fine to play with kids when at home and does what he wants to with no questions asked. If I ask a question or raise a concern, folks around his family are ready to blame me as the reason for stress, although they don't move a finger to address his needs. I am indeed trying to be with kids all the time and focus on them for my happiness but feel how long to do this. I will try for few more weeks and see...

StrongLady · Apr 12, 2016

Dear op,

Hugs to you and wish god to give u strength. 2 questions.
How about the financial deal at home, since 2 jobs does ur hubby saved a lot of money.
Did he earn properties for kids with 2 jobs.

Since u taking care kids, can u tell him u will not share house expenses.
So atleast u making him financially contribute more as u doing more physical work.

Next think practical. Even if u separate the situation is almost same. As a mother u get child custody so have to work and take care kids 24/5. 2 days on weekend your husband might take them.
He might give child alimony.
One of my friend after separated complaint abt how tough to take care kids, her ex hubby would visit on weekends , he moved another state so would meet once in month per his convinience where as she was doing all work of kids.

NidhiA said: ↑

Thank you all for your replies and your time. SokanaSanah , the reason my husband quotes is that he gets stressed out when am angry on him for the so called above reasons and which in turn is impacting his health and stress Got only knows about how am doing with all running around and also depression sometimes of not having a 'matured adult' conversation at home ! On the other hand I do see your point on the thought of 'giving' kids time to him. Yes I have felt that too, for the kids I love can't I just give them the complete family picture too, yes that makes sense.
But me keeping quiet gives him probably a free thought and he is just fine to play with kids when at home and does what he wants to with no questions asked. If I ask a question or raise a concern, folks around his family are ready to blame me as the reason for stress, although they don't move a finger to address his needs. I am indeed trying to be with kids all the time and focus on them for my happiness but feel how long to do this. I will try for few more weeks and see...
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Dear Op,

SGBV · Apr 12, 2016

Dear OP,

Hugs to you!

We gradually become super women, when our spouses fail to be normal men/husbands at home. Their irresponsibility make us work more, and spend a lot of energy so that the family is well balanced. This is how the cup and saucer is balanced in some families.
I have also witnessed men being the primary care-takers, doing mother's job at home with the kids in addition to their regular outside job. Reason is the irresponsible mother, who doesn't value the importance of having a balanced family.
It is a stressful life for the super heroes - men or women. But most of the time, we can manage the stress and depression to some extend than the irresponsible partner, who becomes overly stressful - thus need Dr's help and blame us for telling the truth that they are irresponsible.

So, it is clear that we are more balanced and indeed super human being than them. Else, we would have gotten admitted in a mental hospital for life, if we are to get stressed and feel bad for such a silly reason.

Having said that, the decision to stay in this marriage should be taken solely by yourself.
Analyze the pros and cons. You can't be a superwoman throughout your life. You may not feel depressed immediately, but this accumulated stress will take a toll in your health sometimes.
You surely need a support.

However, leaving this marriage will not guarantee a comfortable life either.
It is the same life, same responsibilities, same kids and the same single mother's life.
But in addition to all this, you will have to balance the father's fun time, and his role (however small it may be) in the family.
You will have to address your kid's love for their daddy.
Plus the social stigma, familial questioning etc..etc... that of a divorced woman.
However, living in the US will make your life much more easy than in India.

This life after divorce would be somewhat less stressed. You are not forced to take your time for the husband, his treatment. No need to hear his tantrums and his family's blames.
More importantly, you are not required to feel jealous about his irresponsible life, whereas you are bending your back to make that happen. Of course a stress buster.

But, then you are not forced to accompany your husband for his treatment right? Can't you let him find his own means?
Why hurt your spine to give him the comforts at home? Can't he cook and wash his cloths for sometimes?
Just be in the house, live with your kids, and use those "extra time" that you would be usually giving him, to yourself, as a "me-time". That is also a constructive stress buster.
Since your husband earns well (i assume from his 2 jobs), why can't you hire a nanny/paid domestic help, so that you can relax a bit.

If you are happy within, your happiness will spread in your family. Who knows, your husband's stress (because of your tantrum, as he complains) will be lessen by your happiness. Because happiness is a contagious disease.

Be happy