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Is This Marriage Worth Trying?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by WorthyLife, Aug 6, 2016.

  1. WorthyLife

    WorthyLife New IL'ite

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    I'm married for 12 years with a 9 year old kid.
    My husband is known for his temper in his family. He is very very sensitive. Would get upset for slightest comment. He would have done the same thing to others. But others can't do or say the same to him.

    Initial days of marriage, we used to fight almost every week.
    Reasons for fights were mostly someone from my family hurt him or his career is not going as he expected or my dad praised my brother or his sister's husband didn't treat his parents well.

    When he is angry, he makes extremely hurtful statements about me. I don't know how to handle that. I don't know how to keep quiet when he falsely accuses me or my family and the fight will become huge. when he is sane, he has no complaints on me or my behaviour. I don't know which statements to believe, the ones he made when he was angry or the ones he made when he was normal. After the fight he 95% of the time apologizes for his behaviour.

    Now that he understood that's deeply hurting me, the fights have reduced but still happen every 3 months.

    He used to abuse me physically too. He stopped abusing me physically, when I gave him a strict warning that I'm going to divorce him if he hits me one more time. It's been 7 years since he hit me.

    In these fights, he would impulsively call his parents and my parents and make a huge mess. I will again try building relationship with his family, convince my parents that he is treating me well now. Same thing again repeats in few months.

    When he is not angry, he treats me well. Sometimes like a princess too. Have small complaints that he doesn't help much with household work, no satisfactory sexual life. But I can live with all that. No human is perfect.

    I'm really worried about my kid. What did my kid do to go through this huge emotional turmoil. My kid sometimes behaves the same way like his dad when he is angry.

    For my parents, this is not a huge thing to divorce. As he doesn't have any bad habits, I'm expected to be patient when he is angry. They would definitely not support me. Even if I go against my parent's wishes and take divorce, will my kid be happy.

    I have seen two divorced indian women with kids. They hardly have social life. No friends. Will my kid be happy without any family, friends and just friends from school?

    Is this marriage worth trying? I want to do my best for my kid. He definitely doesn't deserve all this. Please help me think through this
     
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  2. Bella1990

    Bella1990 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    12 years is a long time to put up with this and yet you did.
    Why ?

    I remember reading a story about a dog lying on a nail.

    Pls read and I hope it helps you to make the right decision that works for you.

    Heard the Story About The Dog Lying on a Nail?

    All the best.
     
    WorthyLife likes this.
  3. WorthyLife

    WorthyLife New IL'ite

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    Thanks for taking time Bella. Read your story.
    It's definitely hurting now.
    Only problem is I'm not able guage if it becomes worse if I move from this situation.
    If it will have more number of nails in the new place.

    What about my kid? He would have no one except me if I divorce.
    If the kid was not in picture, I would have taken divorce long back.

    Please don't ask me why I brought kid into this life.
    I was naive, hopeful that my life would be better. Mostly confused. I had good times too with him.
    In a marriage, two different people have to live together. Both of them have to compromise and adjust.
    I don't know how much is too much? I didn't know where to draw the line.

    My kid didn't ask for this life. What should I do?


     
  4. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Worthylife, How much the nail hurts, does it hurt enough to move on? Only you can tell. But before you take drastic steps, may be you could try one last time. I am saying this because you mentioned that he has changed a lot over the years. You also said he apologizes most times. Treats you well otherwise. So may be, just may be, there is hope for him to change. If that happens, may be the nail will not hurt anymore. From what I understand, he has anger management issues. Here are a few suggestions:

    1) Talk to him about his anger. Let him know how it affects you and more importantly how it is now affecting his child. Tell him, his kid is now imitating him which is not good.

    2) Talk about getting help for his high temper. Get a counsellor, anger management therapy and ensure that you get into this as a team. Do not have the attitude of "your anger, your problem" Because now you are doing this for your child.

    3) Use age appropriate words and actions to speak to your child of how anger should be managed. Also gently tell him that daddy is taking actions and going to the doctor to improve some of his bad habits. (I am no expert in child psychology, so talk to an expert about how to talk to a child about all this. Perhaps your H's therapist may help)

    4) If need be, your child could also go to a therapist.

    Try one more time. 12 long years have gone by, what is one last push? All the Best
     
    songbird46, WorthyLife and Sairindhri like this.
  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Ok the past hasn't been great but it certainly has improved. Dig deep within yourself and figure out exactly how to handle your husband's outburst next time. How you can stop engaging with him. You child will then be seeing how wonderfully someone can deal with irrational behaviour. Also talk to your husband about how you are concerned about your child's behaviour. About how he chooses to react in a way that doesn't help fix or solve the problem, about how it is important as parents for you to set a good example. Kids always imitate what they see; they don't do as they're told. So, it is really up to the parents.

    Also speak to your child about his feelings. Ask him why he reacts in a particular way. Tell him clearly that you will not take any disrespect. I feel you can turn the situation around.
     
  6. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @WorthyLife- I am a strong believer in work out things in marriage if children are involved. Because children should grow up with a father figure. I do know it won't be easy as a divorced single parent in India. That is the only reason- I am not being supportive of getting the divorce.
    However, you should have the confidence to face any problems with parents/ DH/ DH’s family/ work and also should tell the real truth to your DS when it comes to getting divorced.


    Try couple counseling- I am going to suggest you to take your DH for couple counseling, as he seems to apologize after the fights. Meaning he knows his behavior is not good. Maybe he needs anger management and tips to control his anger. There might also be personality development classes, which may enhance him to change or build open-mindedness to accept people don’t behave to his expectation.

    I feel for you- that your 9 year old sometimes gets angry and behaves like your DH. This is common behavior too, children pick up things easily from parents. Children understand much more than we give credit to them.

    In the US- sometimes in these situations I know the whole family gets counseling. I am not sure if this is an option in India. If there is please go for it.

    Doesn’t your DS not see his grandparents discouraging your DH’s behavior? If there is another adult more like grandparents who condone your DH’s behavior your DS may understand and may not pick up your DH’s traits.

    Try to stay alone/ rent a place for few months or live with parents for a couple of months- tell your DH that you want space to think for few days before you decide on anything- This can give you confidence/ time/ space for you to go for a divorce or not to go for divorce.


    I hope this helps. Good luck.
     
  7. WorthyLife

    WorthyLife New IL'ite

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    Thanks so much Girls. Looks like anger management classes is the option to chose right now.

    We live in US right now. Will it be an issue with employment if we take anger management classes. Here data about us is readily available. We had this discussion once. He gave me that reason and said he won't go for any counseling.

    Thanks for taking time and helping me.
     
  8. WorthyLife

    WorthyLife New IL'ite

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    Guesshoo,

    When he is angry he will go to an extent of screaming at kid for silliest reason, throwing stuff, suddenly come out of my family's whatsapp group, demean my family or me. Those words or so hurtful. How do I tactfully handle this?

     
  9. WorthyLife

    WorthyLife New IL'ite

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    blindpup10,

    We live in US. So no grandparents to condemn. Sometimes feel like going back to India.
    But scared. If auto person cheats or if traffic is more, he pounces on me.
    All this mess would be before near and dear then. I feel it will become worse.

     
  10. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Tell him he's big unreasonable, move the child and yourself away until he calms down. Go for a drive or to the park.

    Also tell your husband he needs anger management courses because his way of dealing with anger is leaving a terrible mark on your child. Be firm. Be polite. Be non judgemental when you say this. Research anger management lessons there are online/ in your area. Since he apologises everytime, without getting defensive, be dismissive and tell him he needs to change if his apology is to mean anything. This has gone on for far too long. Your husband ks old enough to take responsibility for his behaviour and change. Let him ml now that and tell him you'll support him through it.
     

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