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Is this love or age or just harmones?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by infinitehopes, Feb 28, 2009.

  1. infinitehopes

    infinitehopes Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,

    In my school and college days, before marriage I was pretty normal girl - then I got married.

    Well, the reason I am putting it this way is because of one prominent change I observed in myself. There may not be a right way to put this, because of lot of possible interpretations. But if you can think of me being in a very stable, satisfied and happy relationship, then probably you will not misunderstand my tone.

    Before I met my DH, I would normally like may be 10 out of 1000 "tall, dark and handsome" types. But since I married my DH, its probably 1 in several thousands or none that I find handsome or feel like saying "wow".

    Am I so deeply in love with my hubby that I don't feel attracted to any other man? Or is it that I am growing old :( or is it just some harmones playing their role?

    This is ofcourse NOT at all a problem, but you know how 'curiosity' works its way? So here I am asking this to you ladies !

    May be when you share your experiences, i will feel more being in the crowd.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2009
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  2. Rej

    Rej New IL'ite

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    hi there!!! i know exactly what you're saying. i think we are simply programmed to seek a mate and you know as mammals go the humans are the kind that generally mate for life, thats obvious by the importance we give to the word 'commitment'. therefore you're simply not catching other scents.

    there's nothing wrong with you - you're just committed to your mate. and i'd say if you were having a roving eye the mr. could be in trouble.

    as for me - I am in the same boat. but there are moments when some guy catches my fancy but things just stay at infatuation and evrything passes on. since those guys are all on TV~~~!! but oh yah i wouldnt know how i will react,maybe i'll be falttered and play along just a leeetle bit if a cute, flesh in blood guy gives me the eye. u know that don't happen anymore too :(
     
  3. infinitehopes

    infinitehopes Bronze IL'ite

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    Hey Rej,

    Yes. Commitment does mean a lot to us - women.

    But when I read about so many marital problems, I feel like men take their wives for granted. So may be if wives are programmed differently - like "if they continue to like other men (no serious attraction) - even after being commited to their DH", may be DH will continue to desire her and keep making efforts to please her. That might keep the flames active.

    Just for arguments sake - especially because you talked about mammals.

    I have heard of theories - especially with extramarital affairs on the rise - that humans are supposed to be polygamous! This theory then got a twist that "men are by nature polygamous". So they seek more than one woman.

    So this doesn't particularly gel with "mate for life" theory.

    Do you think all these theories are conceived by men & women - for their convenience?
     
  4. loonypooh

    loonypooh Silver IL'ite

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    hello "hopes"
    sorry dont know your name so using the pseudo name.
    Well the good news is you arent alone.And possibly you belong to a huge pond and me and you are one of the many fishes!

    Before being commited to anyone ,for a lifetime, its natural and rather a human instinct to like a bunch of tall, dark and handsome men.I say a lifetime, because, even if you were into a relationship before your marriage, maybe your college, or workplace, i bet you would never have felt a strong affection or a strong bond with your boyfriend , the way you feel with your husband.
    But when I was commited to DH, I found the rest of the men around so unattractive!He was the centerstage of my life.And all my love, my emotions, my duties revolved around him.Ours is a love marriage and although we knew each other for a little more than a year before we decided to marry, our relationship grew like a never ending climber, and we became the best of friends.
    I think the respect and affection that one has for her DH, is so upscale and large, that the whole world looks like a tiny speckle in comparison.
    And as i write this, my eyes are wet, when i suddenly realise, how deeply we are in love!

    Love
    Poonam
     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2009
  5. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    I am probably an exception. I continue to find certain 'types' of men very attractive. This, of course, doesn't mean that I am going to jump into bed with them, I am completely committed to my husband - but marriage has certainly not made me find other men 'less attractive'. I continue to find some good looking men nice "eye-candy"!!!!! :)
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2009
  6. infinitehopes

    infinitehopes Bronze IL'ite

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    Hey Malyatha,

    Cool ! So do you find your DH making some extra efforts to make sure that you like him more than these eye candies? Do you mention it to your DH?
     
  7. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Hey... hey... hey.... Just because I like to check out attractive men doesn't mean that I *like* them MORE than I like my DH. I love my Hubby, am 200% committed to him, and no man can ever hold a candle to him. HOWEVER, I don't see anything wrong with looking at other attractive guys and thinking "Wow, what a good looking 'un!"

    No, I don't tell my DH, of course, anymore than he would tell me if he was checking other chicks out. Being married and monogamous doesn't mean that you HAVE to stop appreciating beauty when you see it! Eye candy is just that... eye candy. Nothing more, nothing less.

    But that's just me.
     
  8. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Infinitehopes,

    You have opened such an interesting topic that I had to jump in.

    Rather than answering your question let me share with you what I feel about the part you have menioned in your subsequent reply where you wonder if a woman's commited and single minded focus on her husband makes the husband take her for granted and look for other "greener" pastures. Let me share some of my views on this part.

    I agree that men (and many time us women) have the tendency to take the spouse for granted. May be men have this tendency of taking for granted more than we women do.

    Majority of us women have greater and different emotional needs as compared to the men. We usually shower our love, care and attention on the person who is the center of our life (husband). Once we are in love, it comes to us naturally, to give not just our best, but to go overboard and give much more than the best if we can. So all your concerns about not noticing anyone else other than your husband are nothing to worry about.

    However, I do not think that a man will stop taking his wife for granted if he thinks she finds other men attractive.

    But I do think that a man needs to know that although his wife's world revovles around him, he is not the ONLY source of happiness and fulfillment in his wife's life. That there are other (may be only a few but they are there) things that she is passionate about, that she enjoys doing, that give her a kick in life. And these other things need not be another man.

    I think what we women need to do a little bit is to decentralize our attention from this one person (husband) and balance it between a few things that we do for our own pleasure and contentment. Most of the times we work everything around this one person. We must learn to sometimes let this person work around the other things in our life. We save our energy for this one person but sometimes we must save this energy for the other things in our life. Our focus, our attention, our enthusiasm must also spill on a few other things than just our husband. Don't get me wrong here friends. I am not saying that we take away from whatever we do for our husband. We must absolutely give our 200% there but that does not mean we ignore the other aspects of our life.

    Many times we get so focussed on this one great thing in our life (husband) that we forget what other things made us happy or what other things mattered to us. I think we (women in particular) need to keep this in mind to find the things that interest us, that challenge us, that prove our mettle as an individual (not just in the capacity of a wife), things that raise our self-confidence, that strengthen our self-esteem. We must not shy away from stealing the limelight from our husband sometimes. We must not brush-off praise and appreciation that comes our way in the name of modesty. Well, don't we swell in pride when someone praises our husband? Then why brush-off the well deserved praise that comes our way?

    So, in essence I think that we women need to discover those hidden sources of happiness. We need to discover a few things and passions that make our life fulfilling, that add color to our life, that give us that feeling of elation. And we need to give these few things enough importance in our life to dedicate some of our valuable time and energy to. This is what I mean my decentralizing our attention from the one person.

    I think once we learn to decentralize and enjoy it, a lot of the issues with marital boredom will be alleviated.

    I may have gone off on a complete tangent here. So pardon me if it is so.

    Luv,
    SS
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Oh, I still find lot of men attractive! Like Malyatha said, eye candy! Like say my DH is bald, I find men with a racy hairstyle attractive. For the record, my DH has a thick head of hair :wink:. And, same for him. I know that he finds the "traditional" Indian woman attractive. Me, am very untraditional.

    So, we know that as an overall package deal (looks, personality, attitude, views) we like each other, and only each other, but once in a while window-shopping is OK. I thought this was the case with everyone! Good you started this thread!

    Rihana
     
  10. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    LOL @ window-shopping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I enjoy window-shopping for eye candy. I believe that as long as I don't take it home, I can happily and completely guiltlessly check out the merchandise that's out there... hehe. :rotfl
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2009

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