Is this domestic abuse? plz help me

charmie · Sep 10, 2007

Hello everyone,
I am a 28 yr old woman married for the last 3.5 yrs and have a kid of 2 yrs old. i live with my husband and kid in a foreign country where no one speaks english and we dont know the local language so it is quite a struggle at times. we both r working full time and send our kid to the daycare.
my husband has a terrible temper, on 3-4 occasions when we were arguing , he suddenly came to hit me. on 2 occasions he tried to hit but because of my defense and his restrain then stopped in the mid-way. but on 2 occaisons he hit me on the head, albeit it did not cause any significant pain or injury but he did hit me with anger. there was a lot of anger in him at tht time , though i know he used less force because if he had just let himself loose he wud hv hurt me badly.
my question is - is this domestic violence? because i ws not hurt to hv any proof of injury but i know he is capable of causing severe damage. is this the way it begins for women who r physically battered? do usually men lash out at their wives when they r angry- is this normal? my husband tells me tht the only reason he went to tht extent is becuase i induced him or provoked him or because i did something wrong. is this true- are women who r abused responsible for bringing on themselves this kind of mistreatment? if i disagree/argue, choose to differ or choose not to obey/agree, or if i say something in anger or frustration ( i too as an human being get angry at times)- does this mean that my husband can express his anger by hitting me. he also uses abusive language and threatens me. this happens on a monthly basis, although the physical abuse has started from the last four months.
my husband hs seen his mother being severely physically abused by his fatehr, he too as child ws physically beaten by his father. he grew up in a very angry, violent ( due to his father) family environment, is this the reason for his behaviour? his sister suffers from clinical depression and psychosis. cud he be suffering from depression too? he grew up amidst a lot of financial struggle. and now he has the entire responsibility of supporting his parents, his sister and younger brother plus he has also to think abt me and our kid.
we r leading extreemely stressful lives- with demanding jobs, no help with housework, with a kid and with no support system. is this because of stress?
wht shd i do? am i overreactign? do such men change/improve?
i dont want to be a silent sufferer of domestic abuse.
plz give advise.

sunitha · Sep 10, 2007

NO,you are not over-reacting.Your husband needs to see a counsellor/therapist as soon as possible.This sure is domestic violence and it is physical abuse too.Most couples do have arguements,but it is just that,arguements,no physical abuse.The moment it goes to this stage of hitting,is becomes abuse.

Your husband has grown up in an environment where he has day-in and day-out seen violence,so it might not seem like a big deal to him.But the one getting affected in this whole thing is you and tomorrow it might be your child.So consult with a therapist as soon as possible.

malspie · Sep 10, 2007

Hi

Your husband needs Counselling. I would advise you to sweetly get in to "Art of Living" Course. His attitude towards life will definitely change. Many of my friends with short temper have mellowed down. Its no joke. :yes:

charmie · Sep 11, 2007

Dear sunitha and malspie,
thanks so much for ur understanding, i ws beginning to doubt myself -whether i ws making a mountain of a molehill.
it feels very nice to know tht there r people out there who understand wht i am going thro.
counselling or therapy is not an option in the country tht we r currently living in..i hv told my parents abt this. i am thinking of moving with my son to india in a few months for his education, my husband plans to stay here for a couple of years more. hope this period of separation makes him realise certain things, then when he comes back to india then i sure will think of counselling.

thanks

mithili · Sep 11, 2007

dear ,where is ur trishul??
if he has been brough tup in such a situation means it his problem..
he doesnt have to charge on you...difference in opinions shud come and will come or else u will nto a have c hance to compromise with these sort of husbands..very sad we are weak no tto hit back and they take all the courage to do such an inhuman act...please make ita point to tell him tth u can and have all the right to inform i tto the police...if he has got love somewhere fro you then u can try to solve this problem with only patience and love....try to make him emotional and then pu thim in you rbag....tk cr and be careful about his acts...inform ur neighbour..so tht thy can get th ehappening in your house...:bangcomp:

rajmiarun · Sep 11, 2007

No one has the right to raise their hands against the other. Be it husband against wife or father/mother against the kids. If your husband cannot control his temper and anger, then you should be hard enough to take him to a therapist and give him good counselling. It will benefit you, him and also your kid(s).

All the Best.

But be bold and be strong enough.

Shanvy · Sep 11, 2007

hi charmie,

Your husband needs to learn to control his tempers..........get him a nice counsellor....

malarvp · Sep 12, 2007

It's the behavior of most Indian men. They have the mentality that women should obey and should not talk a word when they say something, even if we don't agree. and most men say that they raise hands only because the wives increase their temper. They know for sure that women will not raise hands against their husband and that's the reason they take it for granted. i know a friend of mine around 45-50yrs old, she is a typical wife and does evrything for her husband. but when it comes to argument he has never taken his hands on her not because he's so patient or something. this lady has told him when u raise u'r hands on me, i'll also do the same and leave u once for all. so this becomes his dignity issue, that if wife raise hands on him, hes gone. so that bayam itself makes him to be caution whenever theres an argument. it's kind of threatening only, but for women there is no other way. we can shower them with love and affection but on the other hand we should be self-protective. In your case since he has grown up in situations like this, u can take him for counselling, art of living classes, get him good books related to life, etc.

Malar

Mahajanpragati · Sep 13, 2007

dear charmie,
u are doing the right thing by going to india.thou distance seldom cures an abusive person but as ur kid grows up ur husband may not want ur kid to know about his abusive behaviour so may learn to control his actions.by the way u did not mention what sort of behaviour he has towards the kid.
meanwhile, during fights do not stand to near him.also ,if u feel he is getting out of control leave the room,do not let the kid also near him.do not try to fight him back as this may even make him more angry.
you have told ur parents that u did right.also inform some close sibling about his abusive behaviour.
once back to India get him to meet some counsellar.
best of luck

subbi · Sep 13, 2007

charmie said: ↑

Hello everyone,
I am a 28 yr old woman married for the last 3.5 yrs and have a kid of 2 yrs old. i live with my husband and kid in a foreign country where no one speaks english and we dont know the local language so it is quite a struggle at times. we both r working full time and send our kid to the daycare.
my husband has a terrible temper, on 3-4 occasions when we were arguing , he suddenly came to hit me. on 2 occasions he tried to hit but because of my defense and his restrain then stopped in the mid-way. but on 2 occaisons he hit me on the head, albeit it did not cause any significant pain or injury but he did hit me with anger. there was a lot of anger in him at tht time , though i know he used less force because if he had just let himself loose he wud hv hurt me badly.
my question is - is this domestic violence? because i ws not hurt to hv any proof of injury but i know he is capable of causing severe damage. is this the way it begins for women who r physically battered? do usually men lash out at their wives when they r angry- is this normal? my husband tells me tht the only reason he went to tht extent is becuase i induced him or provoked him or because i did something wrong. is this true- are women who r abused responsible for bringing on themselves this kind of mistreatment? if i disagree/argue, choose to differ or choose not to obey/agree, or if i say something in anger or frustration ( i too as an human being get angry at times)- does this mean that my husband can express his anger by hitting me. he also uses abusive language and threatens me. this happens on a monthly basis, although the physical abuse has started from the last four months.
my husband hs seen his mother being severely physically abused by his fatehr, he too as child ws physically beaten by his father. he grew up in a very angry, violent ( due to his father) family environment, is this the reason for his behaviour? his sister suffers from clinical depression and psychosis. cud he be suffering from depression too? he grew up amidst a lot of financial struggle. and now he has the entire responsibility of supporting his parents, his sister and younger brother plus he has also to think abt me and our kid.
we r leading extreemely stressful lives- with demanding jobs, no help with housework, with a kid and with no support system. is this because of stress?
wht shd i do? am i overreactign? do such men change/improve?
i dont want to be a silent sufferer of domestic abuse.
plz give advise.
Click to expand...

H ai cheers
IT IS SURELY DOMESTIC ABUSE.i have come across many cases .if your husband agrees to get councelling , there is a chance for you to continue with this relationship. Sooner you comeout , it is better. your child will become the victim. children brought up in such enviorment become sick mentally.
usha[subbi