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Is this dinner going to be fun or a deadly hangover?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ShilpaMa, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Guys I need your assistance to help me decide on the following:

    DH's first cousin moved to our city recently and inviting us for dinner and waiting for my parents to join who shall be visiting me shortly. She and her DH are nice fun loving guys and I get along with them... we're in frequent touch with our ladies stuff no mention of his FOO.

    This cousin's mom is my MIL's bro's wife and they share a LOVE = HATE relationship.. infact she was her enemy#1 until I married into their family.

    Am somehow managing that my parent's stay remain peaceful as I can smell rats back DH's FOO. Also my MIL has typical old fashioned thinking of how can a gal's folk eat at their daughter's place for week or more if they visit her and that my parents have made her son a long distance ghar jamai.
    Now what shall be in store for me if I attend this dinner with my parents, all this while I kept insisting that instead she comes over and we eat at our place else we pool up and meet somewhere out... but she's really wishing that we attend this dinner once, also these people are my extended inlaws and v v high designation in their respective job as compared to me or DH... so am not able to say a flat NO neither can I open pandora's box.

    If I try taking opinion from my DH, he shall call back home.. devil's factory shall work and if the lady is stinged then my parents will have a v v hard time staying even for a week...

    Suggest me how to handle this.
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2010
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  2. kelly1966

    kelly1966 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Shilpama...
    Hope I understood correctly... one of your relatives from your in-laws side have invited you for dinner when your parents are around and you think your MIL will create a drama if all of you go...
    well
    1) just ask your cousin -in- law to postpone the dinner as your parents are here
    2) go for dinner without your parents and give an excuse as to why they couldn't go... upset tummy or back ache etc
    But I really don't understand the problem if all of you go.... Don't inform MIL.. simple
    K
     
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  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi kelly .. thanks for the FB... you got me right... however information filter to MIL is close to impossible.

    DH's family is extremely "CLOSE KNIT" his mother knows even if one of the child dint pass motion in the morning or rolled over due to gas even when sitting miles apart... and then a possible reason that I probably cooked something ****ty last night (and now cook.. as I hired one recently to get over with these alleagations) and fed the kid inappropriately... and we need to work out on a better diet for the child so that they sleep peacefully and pass motions. I was tagged as v good cook for regular and delicacies from day 1 of marriage... which is all a history now.

    Whatever I speak to the cousin/ visit her, they get updates from her side and then an instant confirmation call to my DH.

    I shall try option 1 and then if it doesn't work then will go to 2.. really appreciate your suggestions.
     
  4. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    Shilpama
    Go for the dinner with your parents since this cousin has invited them as well. See what happens...it is just a harmless dinner...if ur mil creates fuss then dh shud realize what his mom is upto!

    I am sorry but i cannot understand wat sort of probs can ur mil create sitting on a different piece of land?
     
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  5. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Shilpa,
    I think you should go to this dinner. If MIL tells anything.
    • Try to say that you were doing this because someone from In laws side has invited and its rude not to go.
    • If they say anything about your parents .IGNORE. Such people don't change .
    You cannot live your life in constant fear. You are brave and smart. Stand up for yourself.You seem to be doing such a great job till now.:thumbsup

    Good Luck.
    FL
     
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  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks Parvathi, FL

    Thanks for your viewpoint as well I was also in this dilemma that it shall be rude to not to attend with all cos finally she will be making arrangements in case am not able to convince her for not attending it.

    Sort of problems she can create... leaves my DH stiff, incommunicable and highly provoked on mention of anything.
    Last night I happend to drop PRIL into my eye and it burnt like hell, I ran around the house calling him for help.. he said put water and remained in couch watching TV... yes he was tired as he took son for a checkup and I was about the serve the dinner ater finishing for kids.. they were very sleepy and hanging around me.

    He dint ask me even once even when the eye was all RED and I could barely open it, so when he came to take water in kitchen I asked him why is he so indifferent, to which he just dropped the bottle.. went back.. dint come for dinner.. I finished mine and asked him why he doesn't want to eat.. insisted that he finished his.. he said he's had enough.. enough of fights and expectations from him etc etc and started walking out with car keys at 11 pm... we had a huge fight with a happy ending.. if he'd walked out the same nonsense would have been repeated of he calling his parents then they calling mine for divorce.. I told him the same that I cant remain in this constant threat and he can take a call... but he has to find solution to issues and not just raise new ones.

    This was the second event in recent months and the first being last week... when he came around 11pm and smelt of cigg so I asked him if he smoked in a normal tone... to which he screamed what nonsense is this "I dont smoke" I backed we dint have any fight but them reminded myself that we're supposed to not to live like spouses, so these were the 2 provocations that he wanted to leave home in the middle of night.

    As for dinner.. I'll try to postpone it for their last day of visit so that atleast they can leave peacefully.
     
  7. Menku

    Menku Junior IL'ite

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    Hi shilpa,

    I think u should go for dinner without ur parents ! I say so is cos u cant keep running away from them for long . ur inlaws will get all the news anyway and secondly dont involve ur parents in it , cos u and I know that our parents are innocent but inlaws create an issue when our parents are around so that they can portray them bad and make sure that the son doesnt get too along with them.... As far hubby bad mood goes u can pump up his ego only to an extent....leave him to it and he will have his grieving process and come out of it. When u know that u guys have fought for years and some topics will create an issue - handle them accordingly ! I mean just ignore or give in at those times cos at the end its our relationship that suffers not inlaws !

    Good luck girl and let us know how did the diinner go :)
     
  8. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Menku, he doesn't know how to come out of his grieving process, he's an introvert without any friend leave alone a close friend and his only confidante is his mother who pities him in and out and always ready with a protection sword.. if I leave him his way I know how it ends.

    We fought once per annum for 3 yrs... and then bi-yearly post kids and he also agrees to it, but still cant accept even fights every 6 mnth, am in no sainthood with no needs or expectations .. even couples in 80s fight for something or nothing.. certain phases are simply bad... I cearly veer off any bad discussion of the past... but if every single new conversation becomes provocative just the way its with his parents its lot more like holding a highly combustible item... He also agreed to it that he's not at all expressive but does think of it in the background and will try to get it forth... and then we sat together calmly for a while and then kids wanted to sleep :bowdown.

    Am already loosing apetite for dinner :bonk..........
     
  9. contented

    contented Senior IL'ite

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    Dear ShilpaMa,

    I have read many of your posts, so I have a basic understanding of what sort of person your MIL is. But today when I read this thread, I really felt sad that you have to go through so much of tension for one dinner! Yaar, I dont know what to say. I just hope things change for the better soon and your DH understands that it is high time to stop being influenced by his mom.

    Love,

    C
     
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  10. OOPALL

    OOPALL Silver IL'ite

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    Unbreak my heart, Say u'll love me again
    Undo this hurt you cause, When you listen to your mom .....

    Undo this hurt, stop listening to your mom!

    lolzzz I like that!
    Ok on a more serious note, I would suggest go to the dinner.
    Does the relative that is inviting you know what goes on in your relationship with DH?
    If so, be upfront about it and let them know that you won't be bringing the parents because of all the fuss.

    OOPALL!
     

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