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Is this an Abnormal Situation ? - Please answer

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by desiheart, Sep 14, 2011.

  1. desiheart

    desiheart Bronze IL'ite

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    Friends,

    I am in a crisis situation. My husband hit me yesterday night for the first time after a intense argument and I called 911. The cops rushed to our home (in TX) and issued him a Ticket stating Assault-Family Violence.
    I requested the cops not to arrest him as he is a nice guy and this is the first time he hit me but only strongly warn him. I informed to the cops that he hit me on my upper body. He admitted to the police too that he hit me. He was asked to not enter our home for 24 hours. So he stayed at a hotel the whole day. They did not arrest him but issued a Ticket. We have GC and he is a s/w professional.
    Husband is extremely upset and angry now. MIL is hysterical and claiming that what kind of a wife I am that I tried to put my own husband to jail
    She also accused me that I tried to send her to jail. (Fact is - I requested the cops specifically not to involve my MIL as she is a very nice lady)

    History -

    We are in our early 30s and married for 4 yrs with a 2 yr old. This was the first time he hit me. I am a housewife with some medical issues of my back(childbirth complications).
    My MIL is here recently since 3 months from India. She is helping with child-care of our baby. Before that my mom helped us for a year.
    My MIL has been poisoning my husband against me since the last 4 yrs of our marriage and with her visit to US she took it to another level.
    He used to emotionally abuse me (silent treatment, blackmail, angry outbursts) all this while, based on her lies about me. I stood up against all that emotional abuse since the last 3-4 yrs. I was working for the first 2 yrs of marriage but quit after childbirth.

    The first 2 yrs our marriage was good. He was very loving and caring to me.We loved each other a lot then or so I like to believe. But he changed slowly with my MIL's never-ending interference and brain-washing. He started treating me like an enemy within our own home. Only good thing is he had looked after my health well.
    Rest his behavior has been abusive and especially worse in my MIL's visit. He is very manipulative esp. about money and my MIL is super-manipulative about everything. My husband was never been physically abusive until now which is a surprise.
    We are having major fights over finances since his mom has an iron grip on his income.

    My call to 911 did not happen overnight. I was mentally very anguished since the last 2 yrs and reached a breakpoint when he hit me after a big fight regarding his mother's poisoning him against me and her financial control over our money.

    Consequences -
    I want to know what are the consequences of this action ?
    1) Job - Effect on Husband's Job, will his employer know this ?
    2) Green Card - Will he be deported ? Can he travel to India in the next few years ?
    3) Future Citizenship - Will we be denied US citizenship ?
    4) Legal - What is the Ticket - Assault Family Violence considered as ? Will this be a permanent record ?
    5) Legal - Can he plead Not Guilty even after admitting to cops? Which is better to plead guilty or not ?
    6) Legal - Is this a Class A or Class C offence/misdemeanor for Family Violence
    7) Marriage - Will our relationship as husband and wife ever be the same again even if we patch up ?

    If any woman reading this has called 911 against her husband, please respond with the consequences on your relationship and life post-911 Call. Did your husband have a positive effect or did he berate/blame you for the rest of your life ?

    Please help me with your advice. I am suffering.
     
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  2. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear about the incident. It is sad. Pleas,please contact Domestic Violence against Women, They can help you. There is one in Oakland, CA. It is called Narika. Google and find the information. They can answer the questions. They help you so much. Don't ignore it.
    Visiting MIL and DIL got into big arguments few times. The husband/son ignored and when he was business trip, DIL got the police told them that her MIL was emotionally hurting her. Police took the 65+ year old lady and put her in the motel. She was deported. Of course, they are form India. It can happen.
    You don't need to put up wit beating and emotional attacks. Wake up!!!! Take care of yourself and your child.
    Good luck
    CL
     
    2 people like this.
  3. antiquesrinivas

    antiquesrinivas New IL'ite

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    No one I mean NO ONE has the right to abuse you. You must take charge and start planning a life without him. How educated are you? If you are then go out and get a job. You have to be financially independent and take your daughter and run. There are associations for abused Indian women. I live in NJ and we have Manavi here. Go on google and find out if there are any in your area and get help. All the best.
     
  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    My answers are below

    there will always be testing times in every marriage...treat this as one of those testing times....be patient and positive and observe and be calm....most imp thing here is...see how he reacts....get clues on what his approach is...dont make judgements or worry about what may/ may not happen.

    Again what you did was not wrong ....100% not wrong. if he gets his act togehter atleast going forward he will control himself...if he thinks beating na busing is his birth right...then ask yourself how your life would be down the line with this man.
     
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  5. geetha mahesh

    geetha mahesh Bronze IL'ite

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    I am sorry about the whole situation.
    First of all in a way it was good, now your husband and MIL will have a forethought before they abuse you.
    If you look at it the other way may be you should have approached a domestic violence help or a marriage counsellor would have been the best for familial harmony and for the benefit of the growing child.
    And about the questions you have listed, it is difficult to answer, to my knowledge if you have a conviction citizenship may take a while will be under scrutiny but not sure for petty cases and warning tickets.
    I am novice in this.
    All said and done as parents it is the duty of both wife and husband to maintain a healthy and peaceful environment in the best concern of the growing. Talk to your husband make him realise the emotiona;l turmoil you are undergoing and explain to him about the growing child, if this doesnt work then you need to approach a womens organisation in your area.
    Hope the situation betters
    Take care
     
  6. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    I am glad you call the cops. Now that is done don't worry with all the what if's, what will etc.
    Before answering to this thread I read your previous threads. Looks like all the problems created in your married life is either by your mom or his mom. Both the ladies don't get along and using the kids to get back.
    I honestly think you should have complained to cops about mil too.
    Also reading your previous posts I think your h is a sensible guy. Looks very caring generous at times. So, let him think about what he did. He might come to senses and stop being brainwashed by mom.
    Like Sri has said it's good to contact a lawyer. Maybe your h is already thinking in those terms too.
     
  7. RJMK

    RJMK Silver IL'ite

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    I had my sister's in-laws visit her to USA once...The granny gave on slap to the kid and the kid called the cops..They warned and left..No harm and no issues after that..But yes they did not issue any ticket so I am not aware of the consequences..
    Oh I am glad u called the cops..I wish I had done so..I only warned and left but I have done that many a times..
    Right now just keep silent and give time to everything..It will all settle down...

    Also do not worry so much..If u had not calle dthe cops..things would have any how settled down but then it would be repeated..trust me it would have...MILs are all like this so throw a deaf ear.Your husband wont talk to u for few weeks then he will start a little and then he will come back to you..All you have to do is maintain yourself the way you are..Dont bend or show arrogance...
    Visa issues and all will not come into picture..Warning does not hold much of importance
     
  8. deepshikha

    deepshikha Senior IL'ite

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    I am sorry this is happening to you but I think you did just the right thing by calling the cops. had you not done so, it would have been repeated. The first time a man hits his wife he also measures the limits that she is ready to go up to. However nice your husband is, he has no right to abuse you. he needs to understand that physical violence is not accepted, and now after a warning from the cops, he probably understands this. Also now he will try to control his anger and thi nk ten times before hitting you. Whatever do not accept physical abuse.

    There are two possibilities in the way your husband reacts. Either he will realize that he has been wrong and try to mend his ways and save his marriage, or he will get carried away by his Mom's rantings and blame you for everything.

    Either way be prepared for something and if he blames you, do not get emotional and react, give him some time to realize that he is killing the marriage. Maybe he will come around. Otherwise, start concentrating on your life. Do you have friends? Can you get a job? Try to put your life together and stay unaffected with your MIL's bickering s.

    All the best
     
  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    What is done cannot be undone. Hopefully your DH will be repenting raising his hand on you and here you are regretting calling the cops.
    Why do you need a Mom/MIL round the clock ? You are not working, you could have gone home and taken rest and treatment for at least a few months instead calling MOMs.
    It seems to be an irritating situation where one Mom is always present to rile up you or DH.
    Send MIL back, say you will manage somehow. Left on your own you two can make the marriage work again.

    You should go for marriage counselling together with your DH .
    If you cut the apron strings your DH will do the same.
    There are plenty of women with medical problems who do not have MOM help in any form.
    Stay calm and dont get into any arguements with MIL /DH.
     
  10. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    I am actually confused here, most of IL's have the opinion the calling the cops was the right thing, but since it was only the first time I think you should have given him an other chance. This has happened when your MIL is here which is more terrible she will brain wash him even more now. Any way what has happened is happened you cannot undo it now.

    I think you should send your MIL back to India and then slowly sort out your differences, with her presence it is not at all possible.

    Deal with the problem smartly and don't use harsh words, hope ur problem gets solved soon.
     
    sindmani likes this.

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