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Is there hope?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sadgirl, Jul 12, 2007.

  1. sadgirl

    sadgirl New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am new to this forum and its amazing how you have so many workable solutions for each other. So I decided to put my problem before you so I can get some advice bcoz I really don't know what to do.

    I have been married almost 6 yrs now and have two kids, girls 4 and 1. This is kind of difficult to discuss for me but its easier to write than talking to someone face to face. Ours was a love/arranged marriage and my husband is 3 yrs younger to me. The first 3 yrs he had travel job so he wld be home only over the weekend. So we never started off like the usual married couple. Our sex life was kind of ok. I got pregnant after 4 months. So v didnt have sex for over a yr and half coz I was nursing the baby for a yr and my husband was not comfortable. And after that we maybe had like 3-4 encounters a year always initiated by me. I was always stressed out and showed my frustration by screaming coz I wld never get much response from him. Now after the second baby, we didnt do anything for 2 yrs. How can it be possible for a man to be like that ? This is a delicate issue and I am not comfortable talking to my sister or mother. Now even if I initiate it he is not interested and I am so frustrated. Initially he said its bcoz I am always complaining, but even if i am not he doenst show any interest. He doesnt kiss or hug me or hold my hand. Even if i hug he will hug without any interest like waiting for me to let go. I am a stay at home mom. I am seriously considering divorce, but it will be a big shock for my parents and my family. And its not really something i wld like. But I don't know what else to do. Otherwise he is not bad, but he hardly talks or shares his feelings. I want to look for a job so i can support my kids and move out. But I am scared.

    Is there any hope in this relationship ? I can't live like this forever like v were roommates (at least roommates talk to each other)
    Help!!

    SK
     
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  2. rs18

    rs18 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Friend,

    It was a very sad reading . the best way to come out of the sitaution is to have a one to one chat with your husband . Take an off / holidays to some new places. make him understand that you are always there to shoulder. This is the first phase of your life and u should move coins in the right way but with circumspect . try to find out the reason for which he is acting so empty with you. SHower him with all the love , talk about the nice times that you spent together before getting married. Invite some of his old friends to home for lunch (people whom he have missed contact )

    Try talking with his colleagues to find out if he reacts the same way at his workplace too. All this is just a passing clouds do not worry. Divorce is a very
    big & haste decision to make instead,find out for an options .

    Think slowly & act positively.
    Cheer up !

    FAILURE IS NOT THE END ITS JUST A SIMPLE DELAY..

    Wish you good luck...:2thumbsup:
     
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  3. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Its rather sad to read about this.
    But As you subjectline goes. Lemme start with the answer . Yes there's hope in this relationship despite of its obvious hollowness. There is hope becos you both have pulled it so far. You have two lovely kids as your trump cards.
    Now lets get back to Hows:

    - Its serious note that a couple doesnot have sex for a YEAR.. whatever be the reason, Baby , nursing or whatever. You have to break the jinx and get it back to normal.

    - I somehow get the feeling, you have drifted your husband because of anxiety. Men are very touchy when it comes to their sexual acceptance. You need to handle it with same delicacy, as we handle a newly born baby. We just give , we dont expect ..right!! I know its easier said than done. But change of mindset will help you be free and easy.

    - For some time, say 1-2 months, Ask your mother if you can leave the kids with her. Just spend time with hubby like a couple. Do things just for him. And yes DONT expect anything back.. Men are like that.. They are fixed deposit, you wont get interest until you put in the hard cash in it. They are not like parents, where we just ask , ask..

    - In the rut of handling two kids, somewhere in the time. You both of lost the togetherness which is very required for a nurturing and healthy marriage.
    Show your affection. You need to teach your husband how to love you. How to make you feel good. Yes you have to teach them. They really dont know.

    Be positive. Hang-in there. With time it will improve.

    Cheers,
    Ria
     
  4. Shanthi

    Shanthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi SK,
    I can understand your frustration. Can I ask you some questions-

    1. How is your husband towards your daughters?
    2. Is he responsible - financially - like paying the bills, thinking about the future, saving
    3. Is he worried when the kids are sick, taking them to the doctor, worried about their education etc.
    4. How are your daughters toward their dad? Go wild when dad comes in the door etc.
    5. You say he isn't interested in you sexually, how about otherwise, do you people go out travelling, just go out for dinner. If you are sick will he be worried?

    Having one kid I experienced very tumultous 2-3 years. They were pretty rough and I learned that we both were to blame for it. My husband thought that after having a kid I wasn't interested in him the way I was before. Always cooking, taking care of the baby, worried about the baby etc. I blamed him for not helping me out. With 2 kids I can only imagine. But I did learn a lot from those years. What I learned I have posted here before. This is the link.

    Golden Rules for every woman

    Do read through that. Before going to your husband you will have to come out of your depression, change your attitude towards life. Maybe change the name you use her in IL - "sadgirl"! Before your husband changes you will have to change. Learn to be happy. Make being happy a duty. Be more brave.

    I see the word divorce now much too often. In your case think it is just too drastic. You think divorce will make you happy? You worry about your parents. You should actually be worried about your kids. Growing up without a dad, that is very cruel! Your problem is difficult, but isn't there something that you can do. Like seek professional help, before saying I want a divorce! You have hit a rough patch. Try to weather it out. Even if for some medical reason he isn't interested should you just walk away from him! Maybe if that is how things are you can learn to accept the situation and adjust. If for some reason suddenly I could never have sex anymore I am sure my husband will never leave me! I see women staying with cheating husbands, husbands who gamble, husbands who are not responsible in anyway. Think about it.

    You get a job. You become self sufficient! Boost your self worth and self esteem! Not a problem. They are steps in the positive direction. I am not so sure of divorce. Please reconsider and think. We could talk if you want to. PM me. By the way I had a love marriage too.:)

    Love:wave

     
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  5. sha123

    sha123 New IL'ite

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    Hi shanthi,

    I'm very sad to hear ur story n can totally understand waht ur feeling coz i've been thru similar stuff...n i dont even hv kids yet (n min was a luv marriage 2)...so i actually KNOW wht ur talking abt n how frustrating it is 2b in tht situation...but i'd like to tell u that DO NOT LOSE HOPE...i knw its so frustrating n depressing tht u say to urself tht i deserve better n i cud b better off wthout this person....but dont let urself fall into tht rut...b positive..try to rekindle the passion bween the 2 of u...i thnk for men its imprtnt to attract them (n its all the more imp after so many yrs of marriage)...sex can bcome very monotonous n boring n thts why he cud b shying away frm it...try to seduce him (n please shed ur inhibitions)...u'll b doing urself a lot of gud by tht...it wud improve ur sex life n also ur whole relnship once tht part is taken care of....arrange a very romantic evening (leave ur kids wid mom or some friend u trust)...go all out n have him totally flabbergasted..do not hold urself bak...n i thnk it shud nt b so hard as urs ws a luv marriage so the spark ws there...u just have to stroke the fire...i'm sure he will reciprocate wen he sees u making an effort....n if he still shies away it cud b a medical problem he's having...in tht case discuss wid him tht its absltly normal 2 hv problems like tht n thts what doctors r there for...he shud go see a doctor n hv his problem solved...tell him tht u feel tht there's nthng wrong wid seeing a doc (men hv very fragile egos n need 2b reassured)...Just dont give up...do everything u can (and not halfheartedly!!)...Go for it girl!!!I'm sure u'll be fine!!
    Good luck n cheer up!!:-D
     
  6. sadgirl

    sadgirl New IL'ite

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    First of all thanks to all of you for taking time out to reply to me. U have no idea how good it feels to be understood.

    I know its a bit drastic to think of divorce. No matter what, I still care for him. The biggest problem is he doesn't talk much. He usually leaves the room when I want to discuss something or he just talks in monosyllables. He has hardly shared his feelings with me. Otherwise, he has been good to me. He is very caring towards the kids and they are crazy about him. He never hesitates to spend on vacations or any kind of enjoyment. He says he's fine health wise, but I know he is anemic. But otherwise he is active. My only concern is that whenever I take a step, he never responds. It hurts a lot and I sometimes feel so unwanted. It feels like he wants me and kids just to show the world that he has a family too. I am worried about my daughters as to what their impression would be of a marriage and relationships.

    I am determined to try some of the ideas given and maybe find a job to keep my mind occupied. I hope things get better. And again thanks to you all. I think I should change the username.

    SK
     
  7. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    It feels relieving to hear you more positive.
    My father is one of very less talking person. And my mother used to be at times very irritated at it. But with time, she forged a very deep frendship with all us kids. And my father felt he s losing lot of fun. I saw him changing for good.
    You have two great blessings from God in form of daughters. Engage with them. I am sure with them, you will never feel 'unwanted'.
    And in marriage, Only way to improve is 'keep trying, never give up. Have faith. God has been kind so far. He will never leave you unattended. And for whatver reason find something to be cheerful about. Happiness is very infectious.Once you giggle and play with ur kids in front of him. No normal person can help but get involved sooner or later"
     
  8. Shanthi

    Shanthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Read your reply. Glad that you will be taking somekind of positive step towards solving your problem. You said that you are worried about what your kids will think about relationship after seeing you two. I don't know, but whatever it is, it has to be better than growing with divorced parents. You said that your hubby has a great relationship with your daughters. Lets not spoil that! Not every household has loving, caring, intimate couples. But every home should have loving, responsible parents! If your husband viewed you and the kids as just trophies to show to the world that he too has a family I am sure he wouldn't be loving towards his kids! You do travel and go out etc. That is good.

    I don't think anyone can tell you what the problem is other than your husband. I know it is difficult for Indian men do go for marriage counselling, but could you try? Or as other people have mentioned the more happy you are with your kids he may soon come around!

    Good Luck and Prayers.

    Love,:wave
     

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