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Is there anything wrong in this set-up???

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sridivya, Mar 14, 2010.

  1. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    I didn't go through the entire discussion here, but just to give my opinion on the following discussion (quoted below)






    I didn't see anything wrong in this policy. In fact, me and my DH will definitely follow the same in our future.

    However, in practical life, I don't see any Indian parents (in my parents' generation) who are well prepared both financially and physically to face their retirement age... nor saved enough for their future before pumping their savings to their children when there is a need.

    No matter what, our parents always try their best to keep their children happy in all the possible ways.
    Basically in Indian society, it is very rare teenagers/students in early adulthood take up part time jobs while persuing their graduation. I haven't seen anyone of that kind (at least in my area).

    When I was studying abroad, I used to take up part time jobs ranging from working in a restaurant to audit firms. I even take up 2 shifts during summer hols, and earn more. Not only my self, my siblings, friends and all the other students in my university were part time workers there and it wasn't a "respect" issue in Europe.

    But in India, it is very seldom that students take up part time jobs and contribute to their studies or family economy. It is out of question for a girl to work in a restaurant or petrol shed (filling station) as part time exployee to earn for her studies or poket money. It is not that Indian students do not want to work, but their society simply do not accept this easily. There are lots of "respect" issues involved in this.

    So not matter what, it is simply on the shoulders of the parents to help their children in everything... be it their education, health, pocket money, extra curricular activities, etc...until they start earning (professionally).

    It would have been ok, if these children are allowed to work and help their parents financially (at least to pay off their loans) for sometimes before they settle down in their life. But unfortunately, in India, the parents marry off their female children right after their graduation.

    Again it is seen as a huge burden on the parents, as they are forced to pay dowry to marry off their daughters. Many times, brothers are expected to help their sisters if their parents are already in their retirement age.
    It is something that Indians cannot get rid of it.


    The life of the Indian parents goes on and on like this by sacrifising all their life/money/savings/energy etc..etc.. to give a life to their children. They eventually become old and empty handed when they turn back after completing all their responsibilities... So there is no wonder our parents become our dependants in all the aspects, and expect us to help them when they are in need... be it financial or physical need.
    No matter what... It is our duty to help them.

    In our case, we siblings mutually agreed to help our parents by all the possible ways before our marriage. I was working before marriage and was able to deposit a lump sum for my widowed mom. My brother is doing the same now, and my younger sister will be doing her part once she is settled in her career.

    No one compelled us to do so, but we realised that it is our duty to make our parents financially self sufficiant.
    You cannot help your parents like this after your marriage, so it is always better to have a career before marriage and help our parents to have a happy retirement.


    I wouldn't compare our parents with the western parents.


    I had a colleague from Canada.. Who used to feel bad about his recently widowed mom (who was 54 yrs old). My colleague and both her elder sisters live in different countries, so there was no one to help his mom after the death of their dad. But they were not in a position to live in Canada with their mom.


    After a couple of months, when I met him, he happily told me that his mom was doing fine with her new partner (who was a widower too), and they were very happy together now. They even started exploring the world together at their late 50s, hence the children were very much relieved. This is their life.... but how many of our widowed moms at the age of 50s find a life partner and set up a new life for them. As far as I know, almost all our widowed moms are simply become as our dependants.

    I also remember one of my college friend's mom. She was a Bosnian, who divorced her husband and started living independant life with so many male friends. She never spent time with her daughter (my friend), never supported her financially while she was in her college. It was my friend, who took up part time jobs to meet her educational expenses... After that also, my fraiend and her boy friend managed to set up their life without the help from their parents.

    Now her mom lives alone (may be with a partner), but my friend is less bothered about her mom, so is her mom.

    It will take another 100 year to change our Indian parents...Till then it is our duty to take care of them during their retirement age... Be it your parents or inlaws... They helped us a lot, and in return there is no wrong expecting little help from us.

    Sorry OP for diverting this thread.
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2010
  2. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    I am not sure how much clearer I should make this. My parents are not, not, not, not, not expecting financial support from my brother. When their business first went bankrupt, they needed to sell their house, cars, jewelry everything and pay off creditors. Even so 100% of loans were not paid off, so my father immediately found a job as an accountant and use his income to live a spartan life and pay off loans little by little. All o a sudden, my mother developed health complications caused by stress, depression, grief at my brother's attitude etc. The costs were coming to around Rs. 4800 per month for her medicines etc. My father just asked if he could help them and his answer was he also has a daughter and has to save for her! Imagine, this guy is making close to 150 K and he thinks 5000 rupees for his mother's medical expenses will mean he is saving less for his daughter!!!! More than his refusal, his attitude caused them so much pain. So, people can relax and stop acting as if my parents did wrong by asking for money for medicines and not saving for retirement instead! They made a mistake in assuming that their business will always be there - and now they are paying a terrible price but still they never complain about how they fell from high class family to lower middle class. Till date, my sick mother has never once complained about how her son has treated her - it is my heart that is breaking for her and my father.

    Anyway, since I was also working, I immediately starting sending the money - about Rs 8000 a month or so - and I am still doing it even though I recently quit my work.

    I also have a son and I am already telling him that he needs to take a loan or scholarship to college because my retirement comes before his needs.



    As I said, they made a mistake in assuming that their business will always be there. They did not have a magic mirror to look at to predict their future. If they had seen this, I am sure they would have prepared. As it is, now my father is working full time and managing his sick wife's health with no help. So, MY indian parents have realized it and are not using their son as retirement income OK?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 25, 2010
  3. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    You are correct, ASG. People should put themselves first and their kids second. Or they will end up like parents have and have to listen to advice from strangers on how they are wrong and how they overspent on son and how son is not investments etc. My parents never thought even in wildest dreams that their business would fold. They were making crores in its heyday and my brother was brought up like a prince!!! I think they believed that eventually the son will take over the business and they will be living from the business profits - they never thought they would go bankrupt and son will take a job outside and he will not even care for them. They were wrong to have all these assumptions so I am learning from their experience. I have a college fund for my son but we fund our IRA every year first then put money in his 529 college savings plan. Like I said, our retirement is more important than son's education or wedding - he can get scholarship for his education but we won't get any loans or scholarships for our retirement!!!

    The only thing is - I feel bad for my parents because they did not plan properly but I am not going to blame them for it and continously pinpoint their mistakes to them. What they need now is lots and lots and lots of unconditional moral support and I am going to give it to them instead of playing the blame game. That is the need of the hour instead of me lecturing to them on the foolishness of not saving for retirement!
     
  4. pashni

    pashni IL Hall of Fame

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    my Mil, and we were living together for 3 yrs after our marriage.when mydaughter turned 1 yr,myMIL made us live alone for some 2 yrs.by that time we bought a plot and build a house grd +1.later we moved to that house.My MIL is living in grd floor and we r in 1st floor.Festivals, functions we celebrate in Grd floor.All other days we are in our own ways.And we have a night watchman also.(my MIL is deaf).we r happy with this arrangement.hope this idea is ok with u
     
  5. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    I think its less to do with a guy earning 100 M $ and not in a position to spare a few $ for his own parents.. the issue is in mindset. If a person likes to give away he can still save in a 3000 Rs salary and send some home.

    For entire life my bro was filled with goodies even b4 he even opened his mouth.. he was never programmed to put anyone else ahead of him or to think about anyone... he was bought up as a ME centric person & everyone gave him priority, gifts, he had all latest gadgets whether we were in a position to afford it or no and the same trend continues.. the only difference that parent's income is no more compatible to latest gadget in market... or barely their own needs.

    Even tho he earns much more than me, his salary gets over within first week cos of his EMIs and love for gadgets and other luxaries... he was never brought up with the concept of thinking about anyone else ahead of his needs and thats the reason I wont blame him for what he does or doesn't as per Indian society setup...

    Once when I talked to him on this issue he said he felt like a pressure cooker for all the investment that was done on him & returns expected & he himself shall be making a few arrangements & setting everyone's expectations right... so that post marriage his wife's not blamed for his decision of making him hen-pecked. He told us on face that he cant stay in the same house even before marriage but shall be there off and on. Many guys belong to his category but somehow dont have courage to go separate prior to marriage and entire blame shifts to their wives.

    I know it might be very difficult at a later stage to still not blame my bro.. if god forbid... I'm no more financially capable to support my parents for their bare necessities & they cant fend for themselves... but I feel then also there'll be a way out... and would prefer not to blame him cos self-realisation comes at its pace... and they way a life was conditioned it may be hard to undo it soon.
     
  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Another reason why married couples should stay as neighbour is from my cousin's life who was almost 8 yrs elder to me.

    She got married into a combined family setup.. each son (3 of them) had their independent unit (floor) within the same huge bunglow.. Now since she was the recent bride she was supposed to share the floor with inlaws to do their seva..and only a few yrs later she could move to her floor and tenants thrown out.. and imagine what her DH had to tell her... I feel frusto when you dont get pyhsical to me other than the closed BR in night :bonk(this request I heard in 1995) ... He wanted her to cooperate in huggin / cuddling etc etc in other parts of the house as well even when his mother was around, he felt a nice body massage and shared shower was no big deal with doors not bolted... however his mother was a big Hitler and even visitors like me had to stand and sit as per her instructions and my sis used to shiver in front of her..........

    Finally they moved to US in 2 yrs and he was able to fulfill his fantacies rather than resorting to **** sites in the corner of a room :biglaugh .
     
  7. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    This post is for Shilpama..

    I definitely understand your worries about parents...I can only say from my experience.
    Start putting a little money away every month ..even if its 500Rs in a separate account...(I know its hard because you have your own responsibilities).

    However this will be your parents fund and if God Forbid you need to help them in the future you have a nice big amount...

    I am glad that we are just 2 sisters and maybe because of that we take care of our parents.Not by living together but living close by.
    I provided the house and other monetary luxuries and sis physically goes everyday and takes care of their needs.

    I have my own issue with my sibling but in regards to parents we are working together.

    Good Luck and Good wishes....

    FL.
     
  8. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi FL,

    Yes I have bigger amount kept aside for them since the day I started working yrs back. It was never difficult for me.. cos my expenses were minimal at home and henceforth. I gave mom a specific amnt every month.. she never used a penny of it and made a FD in my name.. however still I continue doing the same... no matter what my responsibility or commitment is today.. I feel am commited to keep aside a certain amount for my parents as well for the strict upbringing that they gave to me because of which I can spend a respectful life even today :).

    I still wish that they never need to use it.. but it shall be there.
    Also when I did quite a few things for my parents my bro felt lesser pressures and he's getting into the realisation mode.. but I know even if my bro became a Bill Gates he would still need more money becos of his spending pattern :biglaugh..... To each his own ways... he's my bro and has his own struggles with dad because of thought pattern and am neutral to either.... this only can diffuse issues between them.
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    [JUSTIFY]Yup even i feel there is nothing wrong in this setup. I would encourage the same if my parents were in picture. My dad will soon get a transfer to my place...and he will be retired after this transfer. My brother also stays here. Other day mom was telling me about searching 3 bed room flat so that my brother and SIL and my parents could stay together. I immediately explained my dis-agreement to this and explained her not to do that...and asked her to take flat near-by instead of staying with brother and SIL. I did not ask my SIL her opinion though..but she must be thinking on similar grounds. She is nice lady(she is infact my dad's sisters daughter ...i.e my cousin...and we are close as we played together since childhood) but her ideas and way of thinking are completely different from my mom's This is bound to lead to quarrels.

    Even if the ideas match there are certain things people want to do their OWN way in their OWN home. Two brains deciding how their OWN home should be in their OWN way will lead to problems. Yes even if I stay with my mom its bound to lead to problems as we think differently. I like to keep my home spic-span...decorated etc...and when it comes to food...i am very much into it and would love to try new things or cook new recipes and feed my husband and eat it . But my own mom is not much into home decoration...she can keep things dusty. She cleans up entire home once in 2-3 months. While I do process of cleaning everyday and similar with food. She knows lot of recipes..and she is great cook..but she does not try something new on daily basis.... When my parents visit us me and my mom have difference of opinions regarding many things...

    If they stay at same place...might be parents will loose mental peace and so will my SIL and brother. Do they require all these in their 50's ?? They can live peacefully alag se...and enjoy their second honeymoon phase...when my dad is retired...and mom is housewife. So will my brother ans SIL enjoy their newly wedded life .

    I am sure if my parents come to my place I would definitely make them stay separately in another flat close to my brother's. So that they are available on call..but never at same home.

    [/JUSTIFY]
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2010
  10. cutesmile09

    cutesmile09 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    There is nothing wrong in your friend thinking on those lines...Infact from my experience, i understand that more than DiLs,PILs doesnt want to stay in joint family set-up,Yep :exactly: its the custom which elders follow(relatives) frm my side including my parents on the other hand, my cousins want to stay with them but they refuse directly.Before my brother got married my parents told my bro to stay seperately after his marriage(though my bro was their only son) bcoz my parents felt that both the couple will loose their freedom,peace&privacy if they live together,but my bro always want to stay with my parents and he did tht after his marriage for few months before he moved abroad,even my sil preferred to stay with my parents.My peddananna&peddamma(aged 88&80 respectively) stay on their own,their only son&2 daughters stay in a different city,their children always insist them to stay with one of them but my uncle refuses it but they often visit them to spend time with their kids&grandkids,all my uncle&aunts they themselves prefer to stay away frm kids &prefer to get support from their children on need based, they all are happy with this arrangement but my inlaws side is totally reverse,they believe in joint family system.

    So bottom line is, opinions will vary based on one's own circumstances,preferences&upbringing.So comparsion is out of question.

    Just my two cents
     

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