1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Is there anything wrong in this set-up???

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sridivya, Mar 14, 2010.

  1. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    957
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    ASG....good explanation..this is the simplest reason I totally agree:cheers
     
  2. kitty123

    kitty123 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Is there anything wrong in this set-up???

    Since you asked I say................NO!! There is nothing wrong in this set-up and in fact that is THE PERFECT one.

    Inlaws being in 60s, 70s or 80s does not matter. Living with them under one roof is a big :thumbsdown
    My inlaws stay 10mins from us and if we nodded our heads we would have all lived under one roof. Big house, etc etc but I simply dislike the idea.
    Believe me, you will lose the little life you have. It will come with a huge price...............you may lose independence and peace of mind!
    Are you ready???
    I will say the same even if it is my bro,sis,cousin,you and me.

    Some one said if they are non-interfering then what is the problem in trying? I ask you .....have you tried it? If so then please share your secret. I am all ears!..........:)

    OP: This question should not be bothering you too much when there is a straight solution and that is live away from inlaws even if they are good. Let them be that way because getting too close STINKS!!
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2010
  3. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Good, because here is the secret - live and let live. Give and take. I have lived with my in-laws for FIVE years before we moved to US. We will be bringing them over here once we get citizenship, as my sil also lives here only and in-laws are keen to spend their old age here. Anyway, it was very difficult initially to live there because everything was new. The people, the home, the environment, the habits and traditions etc. But you know what? I had lived with my parents until then so I thought of it as simply shifting homes. Did you have all this privacy, non-interference etc when you were staying at your parents' home prior to your marriage? Then why suddenly these become big issues when you are asked if you can live at your in-laws' homes? IOr is privacy non-critical if people involved are your parents?

    OP: This question should not be bothering you too much when there is a straight solution and that is live away from inlaws even if they are good. Let them be that way because getting too close STINKS!![/QUOTE]
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 25, 2010
  4. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    But, asuitablegirl, as I made it clear in my first post itself, I am not talking about people who are abusive to the dil. I am only talking about normal people whose only crime seems to be that they are the parents of the husband and not the wife! In your case, I completely understand why you don't want to live with your mil. Doing so would only endanger your sanity. So I am fully in understanding of you with your decision.

    Srividya, you have a very large heart and a magnanimity that is hard to find. I hope your inlaws realize what a gem you are because you are empathetic towards them despite them mistreating you. Frankly I will not be so generous to my inlaws if they had mistreated me so hats off to your generous and warm spirit! :bonk:bonk:bonk

    Anyway, here is what I am actually trying say. See, there are so many posts are cropping up condemning life with in-laws as being some kind of hell-hole. The majority of them claim that independence and privacy are big issues, so better to live in nuclear family. But when they are advocating nuclear family, they are only talking about their husband's parents. No one is saying "Don't live with in-laws or parents, just you live with only your hubby and kids' That is the subtle difference I am trying to point out. Do you follow my train of thought here? It seems people are thinking they will have independence, privacy and a charmed life with their parents! This is not true at all! I can say this by virtue of having lived with my inlaws for a long time and with my parents for about a year (following my uncle's demise to help them with their financial and personal problems).

    In addition, people who say that don't live with in-laws but live with parents are showing themselves up to be hypocrites because it seems privacy and independence is not an issue with parents, while they are huge issues even with NORMAL in-laws either. In this case, I feel only reason dil doesn't want to live with in-laws is because they are her hubby's parents.

    Do you understand what I am getting at? I hope you do. You are a smart girl and I am sure you can see my point!

    There is another issue here, too.

    Most in-laws do not expect help or support from dil or snil but they expect it from son or daughter. But when a dil says "Oh, I will personally help my parents and move close to them but I will live far from in-laws, let them get help from servants", what attitude is that? The dil need not help her in-laws, but her husband is a different story. By living far from in-laws, dil effectively attempts to prevent SON from helping his parents. Now, is this fair? Just like dil's parents have toiled and sacrified to raise and educate her, so too son's parents have done. So, when dil wants to be there for her parents (because they are the reason she is the smart lady she is today) isn't it natural that son also will want to be there for his parents? Son also has been raised and educated and his parents also toiled and sacrificed to make sure he is the man he is today. No dil will marry a Class 4 peon. So, if the husband is a class 1 officer, it is because his parents have done their duty is raising him to that position, if they had not done so and he had been a peon, dil would not have married this man at all, correct?

    That is my point. See, living together or close by is not what I am opining on. It is the attitude that one has to live FAR from in-laws and / or leaving them to servants or to their own fates while wanting to be there 200% for own parents that I am commenting about. This is my comment whether it is the attitude of husband or wife. If a husband had written here I would condemn his attitude too. But I am saying dil / husband's parents because responses here are from women.
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2010
  5. ennaye

    ennaye Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    239
    Likes Received:
    54
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Excellent post!!:clap

    Anuradha00, kudos to you for putting this so well.
     
  6. kitty123

    kitty123 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Even if it is my parents, my answer is the same. Stay away after you are married. That should answer all your questions.



    Will you advice your brother and sister to not stay with your parents, too?

    YES, one policy for all. I think I already said it in my post.:)


    Good, because here is the secret - live and let live. Give and take.

    Good for you! It does not work in majority of cases.
    Yes, I feel we lose lot of privacy if we live under one roof after marriage with either inlaws or parents. I am very clear on that.
    There shouldn't be any doubt of that.

    That is my way of live and let live. I feel I am more happy being away from inlaws and parents even if they live in same city once I am married. And that is what we do now. Live 10mins distance from inlaws and 40mins distance from my parents. We are happy like this. I don't see anything wrong in this and definitely not hostility in this. I definitely find it suffocating living under one roof and so do not advocate it and call that Stinks!
    I would follow the same with my children too. I believe our joint family system is broke in modern day and people need to change with times. Even if my inlaws/parents are Mahatmas, I would let them be like that and not test their goodness by getting into their house and refusing to leave and settling down there. That is my way of seeing live and let live.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 25, 2010
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    957
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    Anuradha

    I am no saint...I am living far far away from my inlaws currently, however the point of taking care of them down the line is only because of the point you made in your post.."they raised my husband, gave him education, ensured he has a good life in future.." am sure every parent does it not just my inlaws..but this is just way of we saying thanks to them. (However again I may not live with them under their roof...might be next door and visit every day and give them cooked food..)I would love to live with them under one roof..but am not blessed forthat reason..my FIL is most abusive person , I cant say the kind of words he had used for me, my parents and my siblings.(I guess in most of the DILs cases it would be MIL, but for me its FIL...if its a woman to woman fight I thought I could have handled..but a DIL of the house to handle FILs abuses..its really terrible so I have to think of ways to stay away and still support...)

    Anyways...Please do not get too emotional about the living setup part..I think most of us girls want to do our best either to inlaws / parents doesnt matter (I Agree there are people who take sides..but not all) so we all agree that we should give same type of treatment to both inlaws and parents. Got your point:)
     
  8. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    236
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Anuradha, I would have simply shrugged and ignored your post but since you accused me of being double standard/hypocrite, it is my duty to let you know the truth behind my posting. My post for the OP may sound ruthless to you but here is my story.

    I was exactly like you, wanting to help and stand by inlaws. I tried to give them respect in the initial years of marriage. My inlaws wanted my dh to marry his cousin, MIL's brother's daughter. Dh refused and married me. Ours was arranged marriage. From that day inlaws started blaming me for no fault of mine. They think I stay away and enjoy life and fill their son's ears with all bad against them. You know at one point they even asked my dh to divorce me so he can marry that cousin. MIL says she is far more fair and beautiful than me. She would take better care of them since she prefers living in India unlike me who tried to pursue a career. I could not go for any job in the initial years of marriage since they said they did not like. For some years, I had to stay home just because of them and also forced me to tell the world I liked staying home. I even posted in one saying I preferred staying home because of my frustration. My dh was very organised and I was kind of laid back. They said I was lazy, useless, whore and also made their son worthless and lazy just like me.
    They were here and God is the witness as to what I went through.
    I wanted to be good to them like you said but it just did not work and I wondered how it will be for OP to stay under one roof with inlaws.
    Even my inlaws seemed very nice till they came up with the idea of my dh divorcing me to marry his cousin.

    As for my SIL, brother's wife, I need not tell you. She is a copy of your SIL. I have read in your posts about your brother and SIL and mine is the same case. I feel bad for my parents because they cannot get it from son or daughter the affection, comfort they needed at this age. It is useless to expect from my brother and SIL and as for me I fear going back because then I have to live with my inlaws first and face them everyday. Never mind, if I can be of some help to my parents or not but I have to face the music and witness dramas everyday with inlaws.


    Due to all the above, I have advised OP that way. Please do not jump to conclusions or brand someone hypocrites without knowing the full story. You could have atleast questioned me why I advised that way before you labeled double standards on me. The day my dad emailed some of his photos and mom's, I cried and started that thread. Anyway,all that is over and I have learned to live for myself first now.

    Thanks for reading the post.
    Tara
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2010
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    957
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    I guess we do things as per what suits us...No need to justify our actions to anyone..If we are able to answer our own self conscience that is enough. Because what might sound like a good plan to one..may sound like a terrible torture to the other...each one has their own experiences and plans.
     
  10. sowmyapbhat

    sowmyapbhat Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    276
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Frankly, viewing this issue from both sides is a good exercise.

    While I love living with my parents, I see that my husband will not necessarily enjoy living there. The same with his parents. They are fine people, but they are not my parents, whom I am perfectly comfortable living with.

    Why force your spouse to live with your parents just because you want to?
    I know our society mandates that, but our society isn't always right.

    If I weren't married, I would happily live with my parents. So would my husband, with his parents. But since the two of us have to live together now, we have to see what works for both of us, and not just for one of us.

    Living close by is a good arrangement. It allows you to keep a check on the elders, as well as have your own life. This is even in the case of good inlaws.
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2010

Share This Page