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Is there anything wrong in this set-up???

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sridivya, Mar 14, 2010.

  1. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    My friend is moving back to India for good in summer. She has a 11 yr old and a 7yr old. In the 13yrs of marriage, her inlaws never interfered in their family matters. She says they advise them but do not nag them like some inlaws do.

    Now, since they are moving back her dh plans to ask his parents to live with them. His parents own a 2 bedroom apt. in the same city that they are going to. He plans to tell his parents to sell off that one and come live with them. He is thinking of getting a 4 bedroom house/apt and that way all can live together.

    My friend does not like this idea. She has expressed directly to her husband and he got upset and said that in spite of his parents non-interference and being good to her she is still not prepared for this. He says she is behaving like some arrogant DILs who crib for no reason.
    She said it is not that she is against his parents, it is that she does not want to live in that kind of set up. They can go visit them whenever they want to since they live in the same city. He says that he is clearly unhappy with her idea. His parents are both in their 70s.

    Anyway, can you suggest any other way to deal with this. Is there anything wrong in her thinking like this??

    Sridivya
     
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  2. jayanaresh

    jayanaresh Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi dear
    Don't you see your friend is wrong. The Inlaws are in 70s, how long they are going to live, next 10 years - why not give them the happiness of being with their grandchildren.
    If anything goes living alone in their apt - her hubby will not forgive her lifelong. Old people anything can happen any moment. That is why her hubby plans to move back to take care of them in their old age. His decision is 100% right. He planned out everything.
    But why their inlaws have to sell out their flat.. Let it be... Properties are always hot in market... value increases only day by day...
    If anything goes wrong in relationship living together - his parents will have a place to move back instead of suffering living together.
    Your friend have to understand - Taking care of them in old age is a blessing as well as a lesson to their own kids. Tomorrow in your friends old age her kids will take care.
    WHAT WE DO TODAY WILL REFLECT OR GET TOMORROW...:biglaugh
    EXPLAIN TO YOUR FRIEND AND MAKE HER UNDERSTAND.
    NEARLY 13 YEARS HER INLAWS HAVE THEIR SON TO HER ONLY.
    NOW WHY CANN'T SHE SHARE HER HUBBY TO HER INLAWS FOR NEXT 5 OR 10 YEARS...
    ALL THE BEST !!! THINK AND DO...
    LOVE
    MRS.NARESH:thumbsup
     
  3. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    Mrs.Naresh, Thanks for your response.

    She has gotten used to living with just dh and kids all these years and so is more inclined to this set-up.
    If they go visit the inlaws once a week or so and have some stay-home person to take care of them, then still do you think she is wrong??
    I am not saying my friend is right or wrong. I myself am confused so wanted to get different views on this.
     
  4. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    Sridivya, I don't blame your friend for not liking this idea because it is a bad idea in my opinion. Yeah, the in-laws have been less interfering etc does not mean she has to be happy with them living with her in the same quarters. I don't blame her for wanting her space and privacy and in fact, she is right. No one is stopping the grandparents from seeing their grandchildren or anything. The arrangement would be so much better if they have their own place so there is some space and privacy between them. Joint living arrangements do not work in modern societies where everyone wants their space. And for all you know, the good relationship she had with her in-laws may all go up in flames with this joint living arrangement so she might have apprehensions. Best way to break this stalemate is for them to buy another flat close to where his parents live so they have their own space and yet, the parents are close to them.
     
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2010
  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Srividya,

    There are no rights and wrongs here. Your friend has her views; her husband has his. What would the in-laws like? Do they wish to live in the new house? My gut feel is this - they will be attached and used to living in their 2bed place that they won't want to move out.

    Being non-interfering and independent to this age, I doubt they would be happy to give all that to move into your friend's house in the first place.

    If they moved into the new place, there will be adjustments required from everyone around. Not just your friend. The children will have to adjust, the DH will have to adjust as will the PIL. As Malavika says, the best will be to move very close to the ILs place such that the entire family can visit the parents everyday.

    Moving in with In Laws might not be as difficult as your friend imagines...
     
  6. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I would vote for buying a place close to the inlaws. Living together is often a recipe for disaster. And there are TWO people in the marriage... and BOTH people's ideas should equally count in the discussion of what to do. I think a fair compromise is living close enough to the inlaws to give them support and care, yet in different houses to maintain the wife's desired level of space and privacy. JMO.
     
  7. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

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    I would also say the same as what a suitable girl said. If they buy a house next to them the purpose of both husband and wife is solved as her husband can visit his parents daily and wife can have her own space at home.
     
  8. Mihisha

    Mihisha Senior IL'ite

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    sridivya,

    your friend is wrong, plz guide her to right direction by convincing her that since her ILs are pretty old and have not been bad to her all these years. It wud hit her DH v hard and he may lose his peace of mind which is not a gud for her family in the long run. Let her have the option of hvaing some sort of independence within this set-up of living with ILs.. for e.g. DH could buy an independent house where each floor cud be occupied by her family and ILs.. Try also to mention that her DH wud not be able to live with a guilt feeling that might result from her refusal to stay with them.. A little adjustment on her part and persuasion to ILs for non-interference in terms of what she wears , where she goes cud make things right!
    Most of us keep distance away from ILs due to their bad behaviour ( too much interference or too much ignore) .. at the same time, deep within us we know things are not perfect, on and off I keep dreaming how wonderful it wud be when my ILs become normal with me and then life wud be a puppylove.. but we suffer too sometimes, and when things are so close to near ideal situation as is the case with ur friend, she shud grab that opportuniy instead of making things bad for everyone.....her DH wud suffer for sure, her kids wont spend much time with grandparents and she herself wud be doing bad karmas....

    tc
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2010
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Sridivya, I dont feel anything wrong in what your frnd wants.. am also of the same opinion... her DH should buy 2 flats... either on same floor or one above the other ... keep a connectivity door.. but yes make sure that they're independent units.

    I really dont know when will Indian society grow up and accept this as a normal parctise rather than an only reason/ resort out of ugly relations.. or rather waiting for relations to turn ugly.

    One of my batchmate got married to only son & his parents made sure that they have their own independent unit a floor above theirs from day1 ... & they sit and eat tog.. but yes each one gets their own space in case they feel crowded by anyone's guest.

    If parents are in their 70s then shud the son take them to office everyday with him so that if something happens to the parent when he's away from home.. and he may have guilt feeling? Cant they stay in touching homes without such guilt feeling? These days indian neighbourhoods are unlike 100 mtr aparts but yes touching walls in same apartment.. WHY CANT IT BE A NORMAL SOLUTION?
     
  10. ras09

    ras09 New IL'ite

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    ShilpaMa has said what i was suppose to say..
    They should buy two apartments next to each other rather buying one big apartment.
    They can have apartments opposite to each other so they can visit each other whenever required and also keep privacy.
    This is the most popular arrangement these days in india especially in Metro cities.
     

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