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Is there anything i can do to make my life better. Pl Help me

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Smartkin26, Apr 23, 2015.

  1. Smartkin26

    Smartkin26 New IL'ite

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    Hi IL's

    I have been following the forum for quite sometime. Thanks for all the views, suggestions ILS are sharing about things across the world. Im here with some confusion im going through in my life. Iam married for one and half-year. I moved to US after marriage. Husband was here for a while. He is a good person but im finding difficulty to understand him.


    I am very independent in nature and before marriage I used to work in india. I am used to all this household activites and duties as i have been brought up in a joint family.My mother used to be sick throughout my childhood and passed away when i was 16. this incident made me more independent and more responsible about life. My husband's mother also passed away few years ago. He is very much attached to his sister and father.


    He is keenly interested about my independent nature before marriage. Ours was an arranged marriage, I conveyed him about my nature and interests well. But the scene was totally different after marriage. He is really not bad but im unable to find why he behaves different. He is a one way communicator. He never listens what i say. He talks about his life, his family alone all the time. It looks usual. If i want to talk to him, i need to start with his family. no matter in the world sound interest to him except his family. I tried to adopt this but i couldnt.


    He likes me but i dont know why doesnt find interst in things about me. He never tries to know my interests, ideas or anything about me. I wonder sometimes he does even forget I have life before marriage also. I never seen him excited about anything related to me like my friends, family, my hobbies or anything. Adding to that he always wants me to behave like a puppy who listens to all his orders and dont answer anything. He shares every small thing in the world, but never likes me to involve in the discussion. I though he needs sometime to get along as he used to be alone before marriage. But the confusion here is he always focussed on
    his sister's life than his own. He magnifies every single problem in his sister's life and keep thinking about it. To be frank i dont have any major isssues with my SIL. But im not interested in Sacrificing my life for no reason. I respect her as an individual and i will keep up responsibility towards her. She has some problems with her husband, where my husband is involved to support her. I understand his concern and im also there for her. But seriously this is going on for years. Whenevr my SIL & her husbanad are in good mood, they start suggest others how to lead a better married life. After going through all these incidents for quite long period, My husband started looking at our own life in their perspective. He thinks his sister is only amazing woman and expects me to follow her footsteps. He conveys every bit of information about our life to her. If object something, he says he doesnt want to have any misunderstandings. I dont know how can it create misunderstanding when we stop posting routein to others.His obsession reaches peaks sometimes, he starts buying things whichevr she buy for house or herself. ( He copycats the same things his sister want to buy). If at all she talks about something..it registers very well. I like it in a good way. But when comes to old beliefs and all.


    The flip side is he does involve every small thing i do. seriously he never focus on what I share or tell. All these days im ignoring things around. But sometimes im scared where my life is heading ? there is no personal life. I was the one to take initiative.how long i can take initiatiative when i dont know about other person's interests. He has inhibitions about lifestyle n food too. He never accepts other than his family for complementing / recognition. He shares about his childhood and how people treated their family as they dont have money. He compares his sister's goodness, talent and all with other people and praise her all the time. Im not bothered him praising his sister, but i dont like demonizing others for praising his sister. If i want to do something, he brings up his sister as a role model. I am a person who love people. There is no need to tell me to love/ like someone.


    My SIL and FIL also are also one-way communicators. THey will convey what they want to convey. they never care for my opinion or involvement. I see ILs complaining about DILS not taking care of them. My FIL surprised me saying me not to cook. He doesnt like my way of cooking. I am not bothere about SIL & FIL here. because i have to keep up my responsiblity for them. but im worried about my husband because i share my entire life with him. I left my job, my family and my beautiful life in india for marriage. If i dont find a way to make life better its all goes into vain.


    If he is really concerned about his sister so much.. Why not he pay interest for his own wife ( who is also a sister to her brother) ? I dont know really how to handle my life.Im really frustrated and losing confidence in me.


    Please share some inputs to make my life better before i hit my head against some strong wall in US. ( I wonder whether my apartment walls are strong enough to brake my head)


    Thanks in advance dears !!
     
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  2. butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    Welcome to Indusladies @Smartkin26!

    No need to break your head. There are plenty of threads here that will help you.

    No one asks for our opinions, we express ourselves and take the dominant role. Its never handed on a platter. Tell your husband in clear terms what you want. For eg, you want him to ask you your opinion on buying something. Say it. Say you belong to this house and would like to decorate it in your taste. Say we will make decisions jointly. DUring SIL phonecalls, get the phone from husband and monopolise talking.

    If you would like him to participate in things that you enjoy, say watching a particular genre of movie, buy tickets and take him along. Do not expect him to appreciate it the same way you do though.

    The SIL idolising, sorry there is nothing that you can do about it. She has been the only woman in his life until you came along. It will wane in course of time as you acquire more power and a better say in your husband's life. When he praises his sister, you praise your brother/SIL in the same terms. Hopefully he will pick up the cues.

    Also develop life outside of marriage. Make friends, join a class or consider volunteering.
     
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  3. Smartkin26

    Smartkin26 New IL'ite

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    @butterflyice

    Thanks a lot for the reply. yes i agree with your answer. though i tried few things you mentioned, I think i need to do things in my own way.

    About SIL Idolizing, I did try to get my brothers into the picture. He never pays attention and never remember anything whatever i talk about my family. As you said i think it may time for me to acquire power in his life.

    Thanks a ton for your time dear !!
     
  4. butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    You are welcome!

    Do not expect him to react with interest to your lovey dovey talk on brothers. The idea is to go on yapping until it hits hard :)
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    You need to stop trying so hard to appease your husband.
    Next time he buys stuff without asking...put them on one side after a week....say it is not what you had in mind,doesn't go with the decor.Go get something you want.

    When he start yapping about his sister.....start doing your own thing.....or say"I think you told me this before...or something similar....hmm.

    Stop paying so much attention to him for sometime. Have your own life.If he asks...just say...."I was busy with my stuff...I don't think you will be interested in my stuff....leave it".Let him miss you.

    If your fil doesn't want you to cook...don't .Take break from cooking.No need to put in the effort if it is not appreciated.

    If ever it come sup for discussion...let him know that his constant obsession with sil will make your relationship with her bitter .

    If he compares......tell him not to compare because you are special in your own way...and you like yourself that way.
     
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  6. Smartkin26

    Smartkin26 New IL'ite

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    Yh. true. I should give him a hard one
     
  7. Smartkin26

    Smartkin26 New IL'ite

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    @butterflyice

    yh. I should'have done that :bonk

    Thanks dear !!
     
  8. Smartkin26

    Smartkin26 New IL'ite

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    I have tried few things. I liked the idea stop paying much attention. I better concentrate more on my self and try to keep myself busy with my own interests. Hope that works slowly.

    I think I am also committing some mistakes" be a nice wife " types. I think i need to take control of my life instead appeasing him for no reason.

    Thanks dear !! ILs inputs definitely help me to think better.
     
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  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Smartkin26,

    I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I am not sure what you mean you were fairly independent before your marriage. It looks like you have put yourself in a shackle after the marriage more than your husband forcing anything. Most important quality an independent person should have is to express herself clearly. I am not sure what is bothering you so much not to express your views clearly to your husband especially when he is nice. You have to be open about your views. I suspect the problem is as much yours as your husband. All of us get attention only when we speak up. Get out of self-sympathy mode and demand the attention you deserve.

    Since you have asked opinion, I am being candid with you. Please forgive me, if I hurt your feelings.

    Viswa
     
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  10. Smartkin26

    Smartkin26 New IL'ite

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    Hi Viswamitra,

    Thanks for your straight forward opinion. But in my case, Being independent itself became a issue. I always try to convey my feelings to my husband. When i convey my views, it appears he is listening. but when it comes to practicality, It wont work.

    Independent before marriage... I was a working woman and can handle my career on my own. My husband thinks that he should guide and take responsibility of my work when i start working. In personal life, Im very independent and i can able decide what is good for me ( Clothes,hobbies or anything about me). now, He says that you dont have anybody to tell you earlier, you have the guidence now. How can someone's guidence work for every corner of your life. I dont know im wrong/ right, but im what im.

    You might be right saying that problem is as much as mine too. I have conveyed my opinions all the time. I am very much clear to him in my expressions. Very next day he forgets what i tell him and behaves in the same way he does. Should i remind him the list everyday?. We end up in deep arguments and he used to say we shouldn't be together when our opinions not same (I dont know how far this is correct). I told him many times, People with different opinions can live together by respecting each other's opinions. May be i'm expecting my life to be a fairy tale story.

    Its very easy to brake a relation where as its very hard to make up a relation. I'm hot here to blame him. I'm here to make my life better. I'm hoping friends like you can help/ correct me with possible opinions.

    I really appreciate your honesty and noway it hurts my feelings. In fact, It opens a new horizon to realize myself.


    Thanks a lot dear !!
     
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