Is there any way to reduce SIL's visits?

hubbyslife,

 

:thumbsupOr both together caring for both sets of parents.

 

Whatever works, Yellowmango. As long as neither side is ignored.

 

A few comments about the "western" culture and taking care of parents/moving out. It is not so much about western culture as in the past the oldest son stayed on the farm and took care of the parents. In some european cultures (more to the south) all adult children stayed with the parents. Things changed when the society became urbanized and women entered the workspace.

Adult children are not kicked out but the children are raised knowing that they will move out. Already in their teens they dream about their own homes and would like to move as soon as possible. The parents hang on and then they move out (usually when going to the army/university etc) when they are in their early 20s. Some choose because of economical reasons to stay longer. But you are kind of considered a "bad" parent if your adult children stay with you. Parents support their childrens education but on the other hand you are supposed to encourage your child to be financially independent. We have many discussions with my friends (who have children studying) how much you can support them without spoiling them.

Taking care of aging parents is considered a responsibility but that does not mean that you live together. Some may choose to have their parents moving in but many go for other options like hiring help for the parents, supporting them to move in to elderly housing and gradually taking over the decision making and other practicalities.

My mother moved in with her in-laws when she got married as was the custom at that time. Her relationship with her MIL was not good in the beginning as these two strong willed and proud ladies had to share the kitchen and house. My father managed to buy an own house 10 years after they got married and my mother was so happy. After that my mothers and her MIL:s relationship improved as they both had their own homes.

 

Yes, if people r against her, insulting and bad mouthing her then she don’t have to bother much. I am talking otherwise.

It is practically possible; don’t have to run behind anyone from morning to evening. Under certain conditions an affectionate word alone is enough.

Very rare case. Even I have seen a few of them avoiding marriage proposals at the time of young age due to such issues, but later on after turning 40, they suddenly start feeling alone and are anxious and restless to get married. 2 Eg. One in my contacts and other in my organization.

As said, caring for PIL, does not mean that running behind them every now and then like how we go after small kids. It can be in the form of good and caring words, spending time with them so that they don’t feel lonely especially during their old age. But the most important is respect. Here the question of neglecting own parents is not arising at all. If a girl knows how to considerate her PIL, she definitely will consider her own parents. Even witnessed such cases also.
Normally parents teach their girl child before marriage that she has to take care of their PIL along with her husband. Hence it is not appropriate to perform the other way round.

 

Indian culture by no means teaches their children to think about their own parents and ignore the In-laws. In fact it is always the other way round. It is the child's duty and responsibility to take care of both side parents. That's y I said it’s a kind of westernised culture where there is no meaning for relations.

Additionally, by staying separately there is no assurance that the relation will improve neither the relation spoils by staying together in a same house. It all depends upon individuals as to how they value & treat each other.

 

Are you saying ...since the girl is taught before marriage that she has to take care of pil with her husband....hence it is inappropriate for the son in law to take care of wife's parent????

1)If the girl's parent stop teaching girls this lesson ...is it ok for her not to take care of pils with husband.

2) Since no lesson was given to the girl...is it now appropriate for the son in law to care for his wife's parents?

3)If the son in law is given such a lesson ...i.e.to take care of wife's parent with the wife....will it become inappropriate for the wife to take care of husband's parents because it is the other way round?

So basically it is the girl's parents fault to give such lesson to the daughter that makes it inappropriate for them to be looked after by son in law......while the daughter has to take care of the husbands parents.....????

 

Culture will change as the role of women has changed/is changing. The DILs are working educated women so the idea of having them working as some kind of maids taking care of their husbands parents is outdated. Of course she needs to support her husband to take care of the parents if they need help. It is not about ignoring the in-laws but about the fact that the adult children (not their wives) need to carry their responsibilities.

When the couple is getting married the parents are still young (in their 40/50s) so the claim that the son has to stay with the parents to take care of the parents is silly. I guess it is mainly the spoiled mummys boys who cannot grow up and build their own home together with their wife.

Usually the relationships stay better if families stay separate. The complexity of running two households in one home is big so it is clear the conflicts will come.

I understand that economical reasons may force you to live under the same roof. But then you have to sort out the ground rules so that everyone can feel that it is their home.

 

Let us not talk about things we don't know about or understand!

 

I strongly object because serving in-laws does not make anyone a maid. But if we think so then no one can help it out. What exactly you mean by support? Isn't it the same what I am referring to?

I am not the one who is staying with my in-laws. We r definitely staying separately. And of course the love and care factor is maintained. But are you trying to say that it will no longer remain the same if we start living together under one roof?. At least my opinion is no, since there is no one outsider in our home. Our family consider son, DIL , daughter same and all the given equal treatments no matter what the situation is. That's y I said its individuals nature and personality. We cannot judge everyone on the basis of the situation of the few.

One imp question Why r always in-laws bad? There exists such DILs also in our very own society who r constantly truing to make the life of PIL hell. Despite of so many children, why people forget to think that they have some one behind at home who is getting old and needs care and attention. Again on the basis of witness in a distant relatives house Why have no one got any thing to say on this .