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Is So Much Of Long Distance Marriage Normal?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sani12, Mar 1, 2018.

  1. Sani12

    Sani12 Bronze IL'ite

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    I got married 1 year back. For the first 9 months my husband was out of town (3 hours away) 5 days a week. He came back here for only weekends. Then he was here full time for 2 months. Then from the next month onwards he went 15 days out of 1 month to international travel. He is in IT industry. Now he is gone on international tour for 3 months. So for the past 1 year he was here barely 35-40% of the time.
    Whenever i say take me with you, he says I will TRY, but he never does anything. Even my in-laws are like, what will he do, its his job. Its ok. Its ok. Look at so-and-so , he is away alternate months, look at so-and-so , her husband is away since so many months. I am like WTF ?!?!! Let them deal with their marriage. Plus they have KIDS. In school. Thats why they are not going. I am NEWLY MARRIED!! Is so much of long distance marriage normal?? He was not here for our 1 month anniversary, or 1 year anniversary.
    I am frustrated since i stay with in-laws, i don't know what to do. I have a job and am away from home 12 hours a day, but i'm still freaking FRUSTRATED. I gave my husband an ultimatum, if we are not together for our 1st anniversary, i don't know our future. He WANTS to stay together but is sort of encouraged by his parents that all this is normal. What should i do ?? Why doesn't he take me with him?
     
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  2. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    I would say WTF too !! But is your job flexible enough for you to travel with him ? Did he make up for his absence during the anniversary by sending gifts or celebrating later ? Does he call , have video chats and communicate well enough when he is away? That is most important. If not, you are right in putting your foot down.
    I must say kudos to you for staying with patidev’s mata and pitashri ! Definitely not for the faint hearted !
     
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  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    It is normal if there is no option available.
    If option is available and not being taken,then it is not normal.

    If you feel in laws input is making your husband hesitant,try going an living with your parents if that is an option . That will make them stop the inputs.
    When your husband is not around,why stay with them and not your parents?

    Or....tell them you are looking to stay closer to your work place .

    Is your job flexible?

    Next time they tell you.. look at this one staying alone....blah blah tell them politely ,you want to stay with your husband .and move away from there. Don't explain or argue.

    Discuss with husband and don't let inlaws input interfere with the decision . Do be reasonable about the feasibility when discussing with husband .
     
  4. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Gold IL'ite

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    Been there Sani when I was newly married...But it was the other way round, I was posted in another city. It was difficult but we managed by staying in touch through video calls, whatsup..No matter what how much ever busy we were we used to assemble at 10.00 PM sharp in the night for the video calls where we discuss our day and future plans.Occasionally we worked out, watched a movie together while on call...Also we did send gifts to each other or gave surprise visits during special occasions..In case we missed it, whenever we meet we see to that we make it special. We did fight too in this period mainly due to issues created by MIL..
    So my suggestion is to stay in touch and get involved in each others routine life as much as possible..In case you are frustrated do let him know..Try going for a vacation when he comes next. His parents comparing you with other couple is wrong. Strange that his parents too encourage him staying away from his newly wed wife..Hate these guys who leave their new bride to his parents and go away to pursue his career goals or whatever. Whats the point in getting married then?
     
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  5. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    You are right in putting your foot down.

    And you don't have to stay with in-laws if husband not there. He thinks he will pursue career and wife will take care of parents .

    It is difficult to take wife on short term international assignments but if it is long then better take wife or reject the offer
    When he was working 3 hours away for nine months that time itself he could have taken you ...why he did not ..it's suspicious .
    Is it that you have to quit job ? Tell him to clear his priorities first . It's unacceptable .
     
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  6. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    long distance marriages are hard irrespective of being newly married or with kids.

    did you know he has frequent travels as a part of his job when you got married?? if so did you discuss how you people will tackle this long absence, the logistics of your job and more??

    is he hesitant, as he feels comfortable that someone is there with his parents( happens when they are old)

    next time sit with your husband and do not bring in either set of parents into the equation and talk about only missing him, how it frustrates you that you are not able to be with him, how you miss all the happiness and fervor of being a newly married, with him being away for long durations. that both of you need to really look at viable options. if it means quitting your job incase it is not flexible, are you ok with it?. you need to think of all possible options, in your favor and the pros and cons .

    and next time they compare, sweetly tell the in laws it maybe normal and they are ok with the equation, but you miss your husband.
     
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  7. chasingdreams

    chasingdreams Bronze IL'ite

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    Been there , done that.. mine was an arranged marriage and my DH & I did not live together for the first year of our marriage. After constant nagging when nothing seemed to work, i took visit visa and booked flight tickets (spent from my pocket) and went stayed with him for 2 months. Once we actually lived together and discovered each other, he processed my dependent visa with out any pushing from my side, i quit my job and moved with him.If you are in a position to do something similar, can give it a try
     
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  8. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi can understand your situation cos I was in similar situation but my reason was I had to serve notice period as my hubby got transferred to other country suddenly .He went after 15 days of marriage . I stayed in India for few months away from him . For some days I was staying at my parents place some days at my parents place since it was in same city .But daily we used to talk to each other no matter wat . But only reason I was angry cos it was my birthday ie first bday after marriage was obviously excited and I had already quit my job but he only booked tickets after few days of my birthday ! I wanted to reach before my bday but due to his parents he booked later. But he had anyways compensated by wishing me first and also sent gift. I can totally understand ur situation . Since your hubby keeps traveling to different places may be tats the reason he dint want to take you . But atleast he can take sometimes so tat you don’t miss each other . And if your parents are in same city as tat of your workplace you can try staying few days there too .Tell him tat in early years of marriage it’s essential to stay together to build love and trust with each other !
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2018
  9. blissofmylife

    blissofmylife Silver IL'ite

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    You are a young girl and it is understandable to feel frustrated. Definitely, both of you should spend time discussing, how the future looks like. If he is on short term business travel, taking the spouse along is difficult. There are practical difficulties involved and the spouse's travel expenses are not borne by the employer.
    Think of it from a different perspective. Usually just after marriage majority of the men want to establish and progress their career to be able to provide for the family. He may be in that process and probably the reason why so much of travel. Is he is otherwise a loving and caring husband? I would take this time to discuss the future plans.
    Although the idea of travelling with husband sounds dreamy, you should also consider your career impact and future plans, before jumping into it.
     
  10. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Can he ? Are u sure?
    Most companies do not cover spousal travel / accommodations unless its for a very long time . Is he a consultant? IT consulting jobs typically involve long hours and frequent travel.
    Threats like these esp in an otherwise happy marriage...No not good.
    Were u aware of his job responsibilities before u got married? . Gently suggest if searching for better options with predictable working hours and locations are something he would consider. Also remember there might be a significant pay cut when u restrict travel. While u are at it seriously evaluate ur own options. Once u have a hubby who works closer to home staying out for 12 hrs a day wont go in that easily esp after the hard time u have been giving him.
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2018
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