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Is SIL the key to the hearts of In-Laws???

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Pooja005, Jan 1, 2010.

  1. Pooja005

    Pooja005 New IL'ite

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    Dear friends,

    first of all let me wish to all of you a very happy new year !! :)

    Probably as you know from my earlier thread, I am married for about three months now and I live with my husband in a small apartment about 10mins from my In-Laws house. My husband has a younger sister,2 years younger than me. She is single and living at home. She actually just likes to spend time with her mom and talk about what´s going on in other people´s lives (like old ladies). I saw that a lot as after wedding I lived with In-Laws the first month.These were some details so you understand my question/problem better....

    My SIL is almost every second day at our apartement. She checks out everything, like if the place is clean, what I have in my fridge to eat, how I talk to DH...and even if I tease or criticize him in a funny way she looks at me in bad way. I also hate the fact that whenever I plan to go out an evening with hubby like theatre or just at a restaurant she always wants to come with us. So annoying. I can´t say this to hubby yet, as I am just married and don´t want any trouble.He doesn´t mind when she comes with us. I hate this. I mean once in a while it´s okay but we see her already almost every day, she doesn´t need to be with us all the time.

    Well, but as she is the youngest one at home, everybody spoils her a lot. My relationship with my In-laws is so so, I hate their very dominating and interfering behaviours. And since my hubby is the only son of the family, they are so possessive about him and call him everyday to find out how he is doing and as he can´t cook MIL always asks him what I cooked for him/us for lunch/dinner etc ... I think one reason why younger SIL is so often at our place is to find out if hubby is doing fine, how I "treat" him etc....

    So Ladies do you think becoming friends with SIL and be really sweet to her and spoil her could make relationship with in-laws better?
    Like when she tells them how sweet I am to her and I did this and that for her...they stop with time being so nosy - like less phone calls and sending SIL almost everyday to our place to check what´s going on...?
    And this is also a general question if a good relationship to SIL could make relationship to In-Laws better?

    Please give me your advices on that.

    Thanks
     
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2010
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  2. SupSam

    SupSam Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Pooja,

    I am married now for 4 yrs and same as yours my hubby is the only son with a younger sis who is 1+yrs younger to me. Ours was a love marriage. We both had a feel that after marriage we'd enjoy ourselves and being together and we had to struggle for 3 yrs for our marriage and it was something unachievable but achieved :)
    But to our and specially to my surprise, things were other way round...although i got love and respect from day one but alongwith all that I got lot of responsibilties which I had never seen put on a newly wed so soon in our families. SIL was pampered too much by MIL. They used to keep sticking to each other and SIL talked to MIL as if she were a child and would not want her do any work as such that my teddy would get tired n all...My family behaviour had always been mature and I used to find all this very irritating. ALthough they never directly interfered but indirectly a lott. When we were on honeymoon, SIL used to call twice a day and say MIL is getting sad...house seems empty come back soon. I fell bit ill on honeymoon and when hubby told this to them when we were back, MIL said that you went to the religious place Vaishno Devi without taking the house's Laxmi that is SIL with you thats why this happened. Later hubby told that they wanted to go even at our honeymoon syaing that the back seats would go empty.... :crazy.... I was taken aback...as their family trends and all were very diff from mine. Although I knew this but me or even hubby never imagined that this is how they'd behave. Most of the time they used t go with us wherever we did....but they have always been very sharp not to say anything just show in their behaviour and we used to succumb just to keep peace and cos I wanted to be a gud DIL.
    We were emotionally badly forced and I conceived within 3 months...and later new issues started arising day by day...but we kept gulping all of them and ever he indiretcly pointed anything, MIL and SIL would keep themselves in their room for days together...never realising that I was not only new to their family but also pregnant. I had cried and grumbled many times during first year of wedding. We could not go out as such as then even after baby...when SIL was getting married if we went out for some work, MIL would say u leave the li''l one like this...she always wanted that hubby should take her everywhere...make her sit on front seat and all...but I had been lucky that I was supported by hubby from day 1.... and with time I started acting the way he instructed saying that just be a good DIL...dont try to be a daughter..and I have found all throughout these years that this is true !!

    There are endless points...although from within I still feel my in lwas are much better than many others. Once SIL got married ...6-8 mths again were hard for me from her and MIL's side but as and when some DIL situations started rising in her in laws...with time both of theirs behaviour has really changed and now even I keep the required distance and they have improved as they kept experiencing in SIL in laws case and once I pointed to them that y r u both overreacting...this happens with all DILs...you never felt yourself but did the same when I was new here...and since that day I could see changes... God knows wats the real reason behind this change but its gud na :)

    LONGGGG POST NA !!?? COming to ur point...A BIG YESS..... always try to be sweet and loving to SIL...get some small gifts for her...or just in your talks...make them notice that you notice and remember each one of theirs likes and dislikes...like whenever till date a pomergranate comes to my place ...I just say to MIL..whenever I see this Fruit it reminds me of SIL as she liked it a lot. Once in a while praise her or MIL....may be while talking to your mum on phone in front of them...just parise something of theirs. You should keep buttering them and not only buttering...if you honestly feel something is good in their nature be honest to accept and praise it... My SIL used to do one more thing...for whatever work she was not in a mod to do...she'd simply say..I dont know how to do this..Bhabhi does this better and it was always me..whoc used to then do that task always...you too handle things sweetly and sharply. DOnt show that you are very responsible and can do lots of work n all..as it will then come upon you end of the day :)
    Also, keep one thing in mind...at first place win your hubby's heart and trust...if he is with you....you canhandle all in laws stuff very comfortably. He can be your best guide and supporter. Just sit with him some day and tell him that you are bit nervous. You want to win alls heart and he will have to guide and support you. DOnt keep forth any of your woes. Just make him feel that he is ecverything to you and you have changed your life and have come here just on the faith that he is there. Tell him that some of your pals or cousins have had some issues with in laws and you do not want any bitterness ever...so he should help you. Be casual and loving while talking to him. Some time at early bed time....just share with him that how u used to dream of a married life a family filled with love...some intimate momnets with your hubby...and while talking just offer him that should just both of us go to such n such a place....that you would love to move hand in hand with him but feel shy in front of SIL....and after some more time..you can be frank to him as per the situation n development that SIL is herself in marriagebale age and a husband wife relation should not be openly disclosed in front of her....tell him being a girl you know that feelings start arising. I told this to my hubby when he used to come wrapped in a towel after a bth after marriage as he used to do before our marriage... I told him I feel shy and SIL is of same age...so he shouldnt come out this way and he understood what I meant.

    FIRST and FOREMOST...work on the relation between you and your hubby. You are still lucky that you are not staying in a commn house 24hrs a day :) Married life can be blessed...just need to make a good start. ALL the best.

    Dr.Supriya :thumbsup
     
  3. Pooja005

    Pooja005 New IL'ite

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    Hi Dear,

    thanks for replying. You won´t believe there is also another thing that is same in my and your case: me and my husband also struggled three years for marriage until it finally happened. Especially one year before we got married my FIL caused many problems between us, especially as he found out that after wedding I want to go on with my studies and do my Masters. He didn´t want me to work part time as he wanted a DIL who works full time and brings money home - he even told me that once on the phone!!!! Everything that counts for my FIL is money. He wanted me to run our house after wedding, so that their son can save his money for them... I am very happy - no matter how many problems my FIL was creating between us - that hubby supported me we still got married as we love each other a lot.

    But coming back to my thread...yes you are right, once SIL will get married and will face the same problemsa and will tell her Mom, probably they will understand then how wrong they are behaving with me. But on the other side I don´t want to live the next 3,4,5 years like that until she gets married. I mean I used to have a long distance relationship with hubby and so unfortunately we didn´t get enough time to spend with each other before we got married. So of course I was and still am looking forward to spend more time alone with him now. But SIL is always there no matter what we do, where we go... and at the weekends his parents always want us to come over and spend time with them. FIL even said once, instead of going out and waste money at restaurants, theatres etc, it´s better to spend time with them, eat at home and watch a movie on tv.... We still went to theatres twice - and there SIL was with us, so annoying.

    I mean it´s easier said than done to be very sweet to SIL and spoil her etc, when she actually annoys you much with her nosy and clingy behaviour... right?
    Right now, she is really still checking me out...but once she´ll get used to how much I am spoiling her etc...couldn´t it be that she wants to spend even more time at our place and with us as she will feel more comfortable?????? Just a thought...:crazy
    It´s just hard to tell her as the new DIL for ex... oh we would love to go alone actually - although I want to say that sometimes. But she doesn´t even ask me, she just TELLS her brother she is coming also, and he is fine with that. I think since I couldn´t say anything to him yet like how much this is pissing me off, he thinks I like it as well and is happy that me and her getting to know us better. If he just knew that she hardly talks to me when we are alone, only in front of hubby she does and acts so friendly....

    Can´t believe am just married for three months and already so annoyied by In-Laws:crazy

    Would love to hear your experiences and advices on how to act smart in my case. Thanks!!!
     
  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    In my case.. my SIL doesn't apply her brains.. she's no opinion of hers... everything she does & behaves is what my MIL feels & does.. same car/ furniture/ appliance/ bread butter as brkfst/ lnch & dinner... If MIL hates someone.. she hates that person.. if MIL feels better for someone she may repeat the same in her own time.

    So in my case irrespective of what you do n pamper ur SIL end result shall be the current feelings between me & my MIL. My MIL only educates her on what to gift to whom & talk to her relatives etc.. she doesn't have frndz & shares everything with her mom only... For her own masi's daughs marr she gifted her with silver anklets (her masi is not well off but she's v well off herself) also she made sure that she got everybody's attention b4 giving her those anklets... I found it a silly act whilst the mother daughter duo felt high abu it... They only know what went around at her marriage 10 yrs back... maybe she tried a tit for tat but that was really immature.
     
  5. ras09

    ras09 New IL'ite

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    Hi Pooja,

    Your story is very similar to mine.. i got married 6 months ago.
    i faced the similar problems like my SIL wanted to go everywhere with us.
    she never let us go alone anywhere... she spend 2 months with us after marriage.

    just check my previous posts and replies. you will get good replies from other members in my case.

    But i dnt face this problem that SIL lives nearby. She is in US now.. so peace at home [:)]
    i didnt need to deal with her on day to day basis.
    Now, She is coming back in couple of months and will stay at our home( not at her parents home) till her wedding( Almost 2 months)..
    i have started feeling nervous again..
    She also wanted to sit in the front seat of car along with my husband. it was so annoying.
    Wish you good luck...
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2010
  6. SupSam

    SupSam Senior IL'ite

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    Pooja..thats a plus point t hat you had a love marriage. Means you already have attained a particular understanding and since it happened without ease you both surely value being with each other as do I and my hubby. In my case problems were at my side...and somewhere I had to hear of this too from in laws that ur parents were creating fuss n all.
    Dont tell ur MIL or SIL that you wanna go alone with hubby...tell this to HIM. He is the one who should understand and act smart not you else you would need to hear that you have made him that way and see however he changes for you...you will have to hear such stuff. My in lwas are otherwise quite good to me...but same as urs SIL while alone never used to come sit with me or anything. When she got engaged...twice or thrice In laws with hubby had to visit her place AGra...and being pregnant, I used to be home with her...and whole day long she never used to come to me except for food times that bhabhi lets have food and whenevr I used to go to her room to sit with her thinking she's alone there...she used to move out pretending she has some work to d. ALthough being a love marriage...dont always keep things before your hubby directly. I just asked him when this happened twice that before marriage I thought SIL doesnt talk much to me as she might be having the feel that may be her brother and the girl that is ME might not get togeteher so she never moved ahead with a relation but till now she is not frank or close to me. I shared with him that I always looked forward to having a good n understanding friend n Sis in her...that we'd sit and chat....go for shoppings etc but she is not accepting me that way...I told him that mom n SIL are too good but they are not giving me space between them... I wish to be close t them but he told me..it would be like this only. I still kept trying for months but then with time...when I told her once that some particular dress is not looking that gud on u go for another one...or that this particular food is not gud for you(as I am a doc and she had always bee too figure conscious)....she made this to my hubby through mom n he told me let them do what they want...you try to be frank and they say u r interfering.... SHe used to have dark chocolates n such stuff but diet on daily food and fruits and go for walk 2 hrs a day and then fall on bed exhausted so I just told her this is not the way...it'll show effects as soon as u get married...take the right track...she got sort of annoyed over this too ...Many such things...then just 9 mths after my marriage..i was preganant n she engaged....I did all the hunt n processing for her marriage as MIL used to keep sayin that an equal aged sis is at home n u guys are concerned about ur honeymoons n romance and not her marriage so we were told not to go anywhere after honeymoon till she gets married...although all was done indirectly by them....that fine day something sort of big happened and I stopped interfering until they themselves asked for some suggestion...See marriage is a wave...ups and downs everything....but it can be good...we have fights with our own parents n sibs too.isnt it?

    ANd about being sweet and spoiling her. I dont mean spoil her...I mean just establish a communication method this way. SHow you take care...in fact u shud..its a life long relation and after MIL and FIL you n ur hubby r the only ones for her...you shouldnt be so annyed so soon. Be patient and clever..it will surely work out. It took me almost 3 yrs to understand and behave tactfully :) still at times I get confused...NOW WHATT types??!!

    Let MIL and SIL feel you are trying to be a prt specially let hubby feel so...once he feels you are concerned of them but they are not understanding or considering ur efforts, he'll support u all the more. Win his trust in this matter...urs is a love marriage...being open to u...romantically demand a date from him be it on a valentines or some special occassion....let him enjoy that special day and slowly he himself will start understanding the worth of moving out alone. Be mature and naughty at the same time and yes patient :)

    ALl the best!
     
  7. SupSam

    SupSam Senior IL'ite

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    Same as ras09 stated...even my SIL is far about 4-5 hrs drive..delhi -agra. ALthough while hunting for her I was the one who said we wont send her further than GUrgaon...noidaor so...so as she can come whenevr she feels like meeting us or needs us...but my hubby indirectly told me ... the further she is the better for us...I didnt understand that for long but by destiny she got engaged to family in AGra although boy was then settled in NOida and thats why we said yes to them...later he too shifted to parents...but for 1st 1 yr she had frequent visits and each time she lef after her stay...there used to be atmosphere of cold war at my place for at least a week or 2...something or the other...unexpected issues....my husband got really annoyed and during one of her visits there was a big fight... and she has always been very stubborn..SHe is very soft spoken otherwise....and very polite for those who neednt stay with her 24hrs...otherwise also she speaks too softly...wont really answer back or something but would show everything in her behaviour n being stubborn not caring a bit how the other would be feeling that she closes herself in her room...would move out for food...take her palate n move in...for days togetehr wont talk to anyone...and MIL used to accompany her...so this way when we ask whats wrong they say - we never said anything to anyone... who said somethings wrong :bonk and we used to feel like fools...then after 3-4 days we would indirectly or directly initiate talks....the n too on suitable times may be after mths they'd arise some old issue...
    just an yr back my hubby told me when we r not wrong, there's no need to try to ease them...just behave very normal...dont show you know something has hapened and when we wont run after them...wont give them undue importance they'll get straight and yes this worked...it wasnt easy for us...but still. He said if we have to hear that we have done wrong then why not live our way...even after all compromises we have to hear then whats the need to compromise so much...so we just try to keep a balance and not go worng from our side...n leave to them how they interpret things. ANd this has helped....may be MIL now feels that theres no use pointing them out...they'd do what they want bt at least those cold wars are far tooo less now and that was a decision we took as our daughter was growing to understand such issues...she's 3 now...i never wanted something to happen about which she would hear MIL grumble all day when I am not at home :)
    Just make him favor you willingly...dont force him to.
     
  8. Pooja005

    Pooja005 New IL'ite

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    hey,

    thanks a lot for your replies - especially to you dear SupSam!!

    I have read your posts very carefully and will work on my patience in that matter. Probably I am seeing the SIL as too annoying as all I am looking for is some time / days alone with hubby. So whenever she is again there I feel angry inside...

    So thanks again, and I hope I can act tactfully and keep my patience if this still goes on for a while and will annoy me too much since hubby is taking his time to change the situation....:hide:

    Pooja
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2010
  9. drmchsraj

    drmchsraj New IL'ite

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    i haven't read the posts fully but just want to leave you with this: in any enterprise, deal or venture, there are ONLY two ways to get in and get your self heard: bribe the 'peon'(or the guard) at the door or bribe the highest official. anyone else is either clueless, suspicious or can't help you in the matter.
    there is a third way too: make THEM appear at your door, i.e, make THEM want to mingle with you :)!
    i leave it to you to be successful by applying this to your situation, somehow :)
     
  10. SupSam

    SupSam Senior IL'ite

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    You're most welcome pooja :) . I do at times grumble a lot in front of my hubby remembering some or the other old issue...but then deep within I really know I am attached to my in laws because I have seen DILs suffer too much...so i always felt all these issues were just day to day things and should be handled carefully. Also, pooja as an elder I would like to suggest you to always keep in mind that even your mom might have a DIL in future and there would always exist a MIL-DIL difference however good anyone is bcos all fingers are not alike, right? Give reasonable respect and you would get in return. Its natural that if 1 point is raised by ur mom n same by MIL...MIL's words wud hurt u...same ie true fo mums and MILs too :) SO always be honest at heart and anyone else does or not...ur hubby will for sure with time feel ur honesty. Take time and give him time as u r no more lovers but inseparable parts of 2 joint families now.
    ANd be it anything, its always good to have some elders with you. DOnt let them really affect ur life decisions but yes listen to them...and think by 2 minds and hearts- both of urs...decision should be both of urs...not anyone else's. We had done some mistakes in the start months and our life took altogether different shapes bcos we got too empowered by what our elders said.... we blame noone but ourselves for all that.... as when we do something its a responsibility and when anyone else in family does for us...its considered to be taken as a hidden favour.
    My sis is getting married this month and I have now started keeping all my experiences forth her and guide her how to acht and handle from day 1 so as she doesnt have to peep back in future and feel that she too did some mistake :)

    All d best.
    Dr.Supriya
     

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