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Is SIL asking for too much or am I thinking too much?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by reshsabu, Nov 10, 2009.

  1. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Me and DH had our first baby in US 4 months back.
    We managed ourself since parents or in-laws couldnt make it.

    Everyone is eagerly waiting to see the baby and we are planning a trip to India in March.Since DH took some vacation during my delivery, he can get no more than 3-4 weeks leave. So, it is going to be a short vacation.

    I have a pretty good relationship with my SIL.
    She is my DH's elder sis and sometimes she gets dominating and imposes her opinions on us. Eg: Often when we visit India, she makes plans for shopping and trips etc and mostly DH ends up paying for everything.
    She doesnt bother to ask us if we are ok with the plans.

    Though her behaviour can be a little annoying at times, overall we maintain a good relationship.

    My SIL recently moved with family to a different state and in a slightly remote area "Y".

    It takes 50 hrs of train journey from my in-laws place to hers. Nearest airport is 3 hrs drive from her place and is in a metro city "X".

    Now, here is the problem.

    SIL called up yesterday and told DH that her daughter (who is studying in 4th std) will not be able to miss her classes and hence she wants us to visit them since they are all eager to see the baby.

    She insisted that we have to work out some plan to make a visit as DH's niece would be very upset if we dont visit them.

    The suggestions she gave were the following -

    Plan A. Fly from US to "X". Book a hotel in "X" and stay for 3-4 days and then take a domestic flight to our home town.

    Plan B. Fly from US to "X", take a taxi to "Y" which is 3 hrs drive. Stay for 3-4 days and then drive back to "X" and then take a flight to hometown

    Here are my concerns -
    1. This is the first time we will be travelling with a baby, so not sure what to expect. But, I am assuming that both of us and the baby will be quite tired with the journey and jetlag and would want to just get some rest.
    We will have atleast 4 boxes and the hand baggage. It will be hard for me to help with the luggage since I need to carry the baby ( He will be 8 months then, so we will need to carry him).
    Wont it be hard for DH to get all the baggage, get the taxi,travel 3 hrs and then again after 4 days of stay travel back to "X"?

    2. Summer time in "X" is usually very hot in summer( can go upto 45degrees). Moreover, the baby is in a new place and will take some time to adjust. So, he may be cranky and uncomfortable. I am worried that all this travelling around with jetlag and the hot climate will be too much for the little one to cope with.

    3. If we are planning to book a hotel in "X", I feel hotel stay for 4 days with a 8 month old may be uncomfortable. Preparing his formula and solid food, boiling and sterilising his bottles,managing his diapers, washing and drying his clothes - wont it be hard to manage all these for 4 days in a hotel room?

    4. Right now, we are doing a bit of cost-cutting.So, the expense is a factor we need to consider and we really need to stay within budget for the India trip.Unfortunately,domestic flights from "X" to hometown are not cheap.Even when we try to looks for deals to combine flights and hotel, the approximate additional expense with hotel stay for the three of us comes to about 50K.
    I know 50K may not sound like a huge amount to many people here . But with all the other unavoidable expenses we expect during the India trip - gifts for everyone,baby's feeding ceremony,trips with family to temples etc, 50K is a bit too much to spend for a 4 day visit .

    After yesterday's phone conversation with SIL, my DH also thought it is going to be pretty hard to make a visit to SIL. He said - "Let us see.. we will figure out what to do".

    I was feeling upset yesterday and was wondering if my SIL is being a little selfish.She doesnt seem to give much consideration on the additional expense and how difficult it will be for us and the baby.

    If she is particular about seeing the baby, shouldnt she be a little flexible and visit us when we are in our home town?

    Are my concerns genuine ? Is my SIL being selfish or am I thinking too much? I just thought it will be nice to hear some neutral opinions in this matter.
     
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  2. fudge

    fudge Senior IL'ite

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    Trust me it is not easy to travel with a baby that too when the climate is Hot. I cannot just like that say your SIL is being selfish cos it is possible she would not have thought in all angles. But I think it is advisable if your SIL visits you guys in our hometown rather than you flying. And you should also be careful cos of the prevalent flu.
     
  3. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    I think you have analyzed all the pros and cons in a very logical manner and that what you are thinking is completely right. Your first concern should be for the baby's welfare.

    I will not suggest putting him through the travels to your SIL's place. But the news that you cannot go to her place should be conveyed by your husband, not you. If she questions you, tell her it was your husband's decision and leave it at that.

    If she is so keen to see the baby she can take her daughter out of school for a few days. It's not as if her daughter is writing board exams and cannot afford to miss a day or 2!
     
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  4. smart_soul

    smart_soul Bronze IL'ite

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    Reshu,

    You have analyzed all the pros and cons very well. Like others said, it's not easy to manage a 9 months old who is new to the weather, the place and everything around. Also when travelling with the baby for the first time, you have to expect and be ready for the worst (like health issues for the baby). Not saying that you'll face it but always better to be prepared. So this additional travel, staying in hotel etc., might be stressful on the baby and eventually you also. Also flying directly to her place is a 'no-no' from me.

    Make all these points comprehendable to your hubby and let him tell your SIL about the consequences of coming there. From what you said, looks like he understands the situation. If she is very keen, she should be the one coming and visitting the baby. Your hubby's niece can take a couple of days break and visit you and the baby. And make it clear when she opens the topic the next time that you guys can't make it so that she also wouldn't be hoping and expecting you guys and later feel disappointed. When things are made clear upfront, then it becomes easy for you also.
     
  5. scorpiogal

    scorpiogal Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Reshabu

    Yes your conecrsn are very very genuine.Especially travelling with the child less than a year old in hot summer in cabs is not an easy taks condidering the hefty 4 checkins 3 hand luggages and alos the hotel stay must be too much for the baby .I suggest go tou youyr inlaws place or youir home town and then travel for couple of days with domestic flight after you get through with your jetlag and if you have time .

    you cannot satify everybody during short trips to India.Do don't worry yiur SIL will get thru when your DH talks .
     
  6. vanijacob

    vanijacob New IL'ite

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    since everyone has already cited the health risks of traveling with a baby , i'm jus gonna let you on a personal experience. last month when i visted india for the first time with my baby, my fraile 80 year old grandmother travelled all the way from a remote village ( almost 15 hour travel) to visit us in the city. it still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. this gesture matters a lot more than any gift in the world.
    your baby is the most important person in the world, if your SIL can't make it to see him its her loss.
     
  7. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for the response Fudge.

    You are right!! SIL has not thought about things in all angles.
    Not her mistake - she doesnt realise that long distance flight and jetlag can be tiring for a 8 month old. May be DH can tell her the facts and she will understand.

    Yea.. I am also worried about the baby getting a flu during India trip. So, I am not too keen on too much travel to public places with him while we are in India. But, if we bring this up, my ILs may ask - "There are lot of babies in our place and it is not like they all get flu.So, why are you guys being so fuzzy and paranoid about the baby getting a flu".:hide:
     
  8. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    My DH and myself are on the same page. He also thinks it is too much strain to visit SIL's place on the way.

    Well, this is exactly what upset me. When it comes to her own things, she has no flexibility. She is particular that her daughter should not miss classes and she doesnt want to spend on flight fare to make a trip to visit us in home town. Instead, she wants us to take all trouble because that will be convenient for her.
     
  9. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    I am still anxious how we will manage in the flight and at transits if the baby gets fuzzy or if he is finding it hard to cope with the travel.
    At the end of the 30 hr US to India travel, I just want to be home and relax. So, the thought of checking into a hotel itself seems somewhat.
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    The answer is obvious and already pointed out overwhelmingly - a 4th grader misses schools and travels hours to see an eight month old, not the other way round. Relatives in India not understanding what it means to travel with an infant is nothing new. Most think air plane travel is like a resort - they don't know the tensions we have from weeks ahead making lists of what all to take, how to change diaper in the small restroom, how will baby handle everything... They expect us to land fresh and ready like celebrities and politicians. sorry, I am turning this into my rant.

    If you and your husband are OK with it, you can put it on the pediatrician. Ped. said that because of H1N1, it is very important to minimise travel within India, and avoid too much change in temperature and general climate of the place. A plausible and serious enough sounding story from "pediatrician" will shut them up faster than any args you and your husband present. I have used this in the past, and added "Oh, you know these pediatricians in the U.S... so many rules..., but what to do, it is better to follow... babies born here are so delicate..." and a bunch of such white lies.

    -rihana
     
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