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Is Property Worth My Self-respect?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by beautifullife30, Apr 11, 2022.

  1. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

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    this happened around 3 weeks ago or so. I even wrote a thread titled letting it go. But for some reason my issues are far from gone. I still find myself upset, angry and above all in an unbelievable state regarding my husband's behaviour.

    My dad has a house in our village and my dad's sister by crooked means changed the property tax under her name. So far, me and my husband have tried multiple ways to get it changed back but it isnt working. Finally we decided to go to their house and ask them directly to write a NOC about the same.

    A little background - my dad's sister is too angry and upset with me specially since they wanted me to marry their younger son but it didnt happen and i didnt even invite them to my wedding. But now they act as if its alright. But i know they are very angry and i told the same to my husband but he says its all in the past let me try and get the relation back.

    In in addition to this, my aunt's husband says things like he wants me to beg him on my knees to come back to my house or to ask his help and until then he won't come back to help me. To this my husband asks me to ignore.

    This uncle was the one who kept talking things like a guy should only talk so i should not talk. Or that i am the one causing trouble and all those nonsense talks. And they have put another condition that until my dad's elder brother gives his NOC stating that he has no issues if my dad's house is tranferred under mom's name, they won't help us in changing the name on the property tax receipt.

    Also for some crazy reason my husband when trying to make them understand any probems, uses me as his example and brings out my shortcomings when talking to them like...you know my wife takes out her frustation on our kids or that she sometimes is scatter brained like that. Really? You will go and talk all that to those stupid people who already are very angry and upset with me and to top it all off, you would talk something negative like this to them?

    Now i am very upset with my husband for 1) trying to bring me up as examples when trying to tlak to them 2) For not asking them to shut up when they say things like keep quite or dont talk when guys are talking or you donot know how to behave amongst elders

    So i spoke to my husband and told him that what he did hurts me a lot and that he should have spoken up. For that he is saying who asked you to interfere. When i am talking you should not talk with them since you know the kind of persons they are. Further, when i asked him to stop quoting me as examples, he is telling me that since i shamelessly joked with them, i shouldnt have a problem with this.

    He was the one who wanted to start the relation again and maintain it. Since he took me there, i did what i could by talking normally to them and when they tried to joke, i responded too. And those jokes were on me and about me that even my husband was laughing with them. But i took them in stride.

    Now he calls me shameless? and tells me that if need arises, he would keep quoting my behaviour or other stuff like that?

    And to top it off, my dad's own elder brother is another nut case. He came to my house after my dad died and bad mouthed my dad and said things like he did some bad things in his life so he departed so early. And even when he had to do my dad's thithi, he was passing comments like i am doing this for timepass. I hate my brother and stuff.

    Now my husband and my dad's cousin brother (who is helping us sort these issues) are telling me that i should forget what all nonsense these guys speak to get back my dad's house.

    really. So i should ignore the slights and rude comments and all their nonsense stuff just to get back property? Is my self respect a joke or should it mean nothing if it comes ot property?

    And more than anything, i feel my husband has let me down a lot. I know he is in my village and trying to sort issues for me. But even so, should i just let him talk whatever he wants about me to get back the property?

    Why can't i just raise a complaint with the district collector about this? He says it will break the relations. Who care about these relations? They are just waiting to bad mouth me and spread rumours about me. He doesnt want me to do that also.

    I asked him to stop involving me in these talks when he talks to my relatives and he says, no. It is not possible.

    So basically, i should go back to these people's houses. Keep a poker face and not indulge in small talk to ease the situation. Allow my husband to pass snide comments as examples whenever he wants ot make them understand any situation. And top it all off, i should go begging to people to get my dad's property under my mom's name when it should be my right. And not complain about this to collector or any one else until my husband decides it the right time coz until then he wants to see if the relations are worth saving.

    I feel my self repect is in shreds now. Or is it imagination and i am just making a mountian out of a mole?
     
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  2. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear, you are not making mountain out of mole. In fact from your posts I understand you are a really really patient and beautiful soul.Your relatives sound like incredible pieces of work. I would say, don’t even engage with them. Talking is not helping here. Your husband is wrong in putting you down in front of them, that is not going to make them understand things. Move legally and file a complaint to get your property back.
     
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  3. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    I would strongly suggest you to take advice from lawyer . Don’t bring husband into the equation . You and your husband are one team and you need to come up with plan on what needs to be done before you arrive at scene . You asking help from district collector is wrong . You need to seek help from revenue department which manages the property tax issue . All you need is submit document of sale deed and in written request for name change in property tax . Do you have your sale deed registered in your mom’s name ? Change of name on property tax is cosmetic change . I feel you are not clear about that . Noc is required for sale deed registration. By default your mom and kids will inherit the property . Please consult a lawyer . You can even post questions in online forum by paying some money .
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Like mangaii has suggested, check if a NOC is even needed or does it help you in any way. If a NOC is useful after all:

    Rephrase "Is the property worth my self-respect?" to "Is the property worth me tolerating attempts from clueless idiots to insult, ridicule and malign me?"
    Only you know the answer. Only you can decide what you are willing to compromise. IMO, in this case, a compromise is worth it as the property (also) belongs to your mother and eventually in some form maybe your kids.

    Fighting for your self-respect and for your wishes and opinions to be respected is laudable. But, do this with the right person and at the right place.

    Why is your husband deciding how to deal with your relatives? When you are so bold, capable and aware of finance, investment, etc, why is he talking with them? There can be reasonable answers to this. Sort these out first in your mind. Then, sort it out between you and your husband. Looks like you are both going to the village and discussions without a clear plan of strategy and who will do what, how much to give in.

    Such discussions with relatives are fraught with decades of anguish, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, injustices or inequities your paternal grandparents possibly inflicted on their children, sibling rivalries, disparate fortunes, who didn't marry whose child, who handled the property tax paperwork for years for whom, who kept an eye on the property, who didn't invite whom in person for a wedding. Add to this your (valid) fight for your self-respect and (valid) expectation that your husband should not bad-mouth you even for tactical reasons.

    Your father's brother's and your aunt's husband's behavior and comments are no surprise. They have something you want and they are using that to settle some scores.

    Instead of a childlike stomping of feet about your self-respect being torn to shreds, you need to calm down and assess what all you want, the order of those wants, the realistic ways of getting those things, and which way is most palatable to you. Be specific. Don't have a big-picture goal like "I want the tax document to have my mother's name without compromising my self-respect." Don't ask questions like "Why can't I raise a complaint with district collector?". Ask "what will I gain/lose by raising a complaint with district collector?"

    Like picking which battles to fight, you have to choose which insults to ignore.

    It boils down to why is your husband deciding the steps in this matter? Why are you letting him? If you tell him not to do this or to do that, will he throw up his hands and say "ok.. you deal with all this yourself."? Are you fine with that? You decide, it is your right to decide, and it is not making a mountain out of a molehill.

    What your husband and your dad's cousin are doing is finding common ground with the opponent, finding something to agree, finding a common entity (you) to criticize. They are focusing on getting the paperwork sorted out. They are giving small to gain big. These are standard tactics used in hostage negotiations, international boundary disputes, politics and corporate: identify what the opponent cares about or is aggrieved about, use that.
     
  5. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Don't blame your husband. He's in problem solving mode. He's trying to recover the property for your family because he knows how important that is for you guys. So instead of feeling annoyed feel happy he's wading into the cesspool of family politics on your behalf.
    What happened was this (I think.)
    When you did that, took the jokes at your expense sportingly, it must have broken the ice and made everyone relax. After laughing at you, they were probably talking more normally and he was able to broach the topic. Your h must have noticed that and seized on this as a tactic to disarm them whenever things weren't going right and to continue to keep the channels of communication open. It's just a tactic.
    I think you feel offended because you think he's teaming up with them against you but it sounds like he's just trying to solve a problem. Your relatives are the real problem. They feel extremely threatened by you for some reason. I think he realizes what kind of people they are but thinks it's unavoidable in order to get what you want out of them.
    I suggest you don't accompany him to any future talks on this matter. Now that they trust him as 'one of us' let h alone resolve the matter with them. If you have to accompany don't say anything just grin and bear it or scowl and bear it.
    Update: I typed all this without reading the other replies :) but letting it stand.
     
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2022
  6. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Whenever it comes to money think from your brain not from your heart.
    If you catch it early it is easy. My husband and I are trying to solve problems dating back to 2000. We have long way to go but I'm determined to be patient and not give up just because someone is accusing me. I have faced all kinds of criticisms . I emotionally very sensitive person. The only reason people do such things is for you to run away. Just be strong and think how the money will help you in long term and ignore everything else. Don't think of police intervention or other officials . No one has time. Only way for police to intervene is to file FIR and it has be some kind of offense(civil/criminal) for that. When you speak to relatives act brave and bold. Fake like you know everything. Don't take your husband instead go alone. Keep your angry face and don't even do these small talks. Just focus only on your property. Any time the discussion changes direction stop it there .
    One thing you should also do is use voice recorder to record the conversation. Then revisit and use that for personal use and see how they are attacking you so next time you can come up with better answer.
    Truth will always prevail . You just need to believe and move forward.
     
  7. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    This is tricky solution since H may not know all family matters. It is better she handles all on her own . I really don't see any reason why she shouldn't unless there is a threat to her life. All you need is arm yourself with right information and go with confidence.
     
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  8. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Year back someone would have said property tax I would have been what is that. I bought my apartment 15 years back and never paid attention to any of these things. But life has taught me a lesson in a hard way last year. Nothing beats you like real life experience. Fight your own battle . Use your spouse as support system but never use them as your replacement. At least in my case I can remember even tiny details so I felt better when things were in my control. Hopefully your issue gets resolved sooner
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Asking for my own knowledge: Sale deed comes into picture if the property is sold, right? Here, the property has not been sold, so how can sale deed be submitted for change in name on property tax?
     
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  10. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    @Rihana sister would have submitted some document for her to change the property tax in her name.
    One thing that can be done is provide sibling certificate from panchayat and inform the officials the dad doesn't have any wife or children. OP needs to figure out what document her aunt submitted. You cannot change by hook or crook some document is needed for them to change the name. In that case OP needs to submit the original sale deed, varisu certificate(proof that she is his kid) saying she is immediate family and get the name change reversed. Unfortunately the revenue office doesn't do any verification of documents . All they care is money . It is easy change She doesn't noc or anything for that.
     
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