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is premarital sex right?

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by anurajiv, Jan 7, 2010.

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  1. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    No. It has a lot problems.

    This may not be a perfect example so please bear with me .....:help
    A person should be an employee of a company to expect salary on the first of each month.

    A guy should be willing to marry to enjoy sex with a lady. It is a benefit that comes with marriage package.

    No ring, then no bed. Sorry guys.
     
  2. piscesy2k

    piscesy2k New IL'ite

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    Im sorry to be the one that breaks the news for you but people have sex left and right and centre over and under the carpet in this country..i guess people like you or i cannot fully comprehend how secretive sex is in india and how twisted and widespread it is...all this stems from its tabooed status in the country how sexually repressed it makes some men and women..i havent come across a single sexual 'perversion' that doesnt exist in india..It is a shame some people keep denying it and develop some form of false moral superiority..it is wrong to generalise perversion as solely a western phenomenon..infact i would say that the first record of 'outrageously explicit' sexual acts which are so extreme that they are 'illegal' by todays standards originated from india as im sure you are aware of..im talking about kama sutra which i personally consider as the first form of pornography..infact all aspects of our culture, be it art or religion or philosophy centred around the act of sex..so if we indians summon our 'rich culture' to defend repressing sexual urges, that would be utterly hypocritical and ridiculous to the core.

    As to people who go slow on sex, waiting till wedding night, there are LOTS of people in all parts of the world, India or outside, who, by choice abstain..And i think it is commendable and really romantic...There is no point in virginity due to lack of opportunity..One cant guage the value of a forcefully imparted virginity on men and women who have no other choice than staying virgins.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2010
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  3. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Malavika,

    This site is predominantly for INDIAN women or for those originnaly from Indian ethnicity.
    Pre marital sex is very common in most part of the world, even in the metros of India, but it is NOT COMMON and strictly prohibitted in many parts of INDIA. Have you heard about this?????

    Every society has their own style of handling their issues... There is nothing right or wrong about it. But before handling an issue, we need to know which society are we in.

    For instance, wearing three quater jeans and short T shirts is very common in most of the societies, even in the metros of India, but it is strictly prohibitted in Soudi Arabia or Afghanistan. They have their own, well established reasons and laws for this.. We can't comment anything about it.

    So, before responding to a predominantly Islamic forum, you need to know what sort of community they are, what is right and wrong in their system.

    This example is just to give you an insight of the difference of communities and how it is related with my question (your origin) above.

    I wouldn't have commented here if you have answered reasonably.. I mean, if your answer was like " Pre marital sex is very common, and we need to be aware of taking precautions to avoid unwanted pregnancies and STDs.." Yes, it would be one of the best answer here.

    But the below lines of yours are not appropriate for this Indian Ladies Forum:

    - It is very unnatural for a woman or a man who is 25 or 30 yrs of age not have experienced sex.

    - Marriage is not a prerequisite to having approved sex in most societies.

    Hope you understand the reason for my comments here.. No offence, and thanks for understanding:)
     
  4. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    Well Tugga, I am of a predominant Indian ethnicity if that is a qualifier you are looking for :) My dad is of Indian ethnicity and my mum is 3/4ths English and 1/4ths Irish so I am of predominant Indian origin. But semantics aside, I am also well aware of what the societal norms and taboos in the Indian society eventhough I was not born in India nor did I grow up there. But here is the big difference though. Just because the society frowns upon on it and considers it a taboo does not mean premarital sex does not go on there and from what I know, it goes on a widespread scale.
    I did emphasize the need for sex education and the need for protection against pregnancy and STDs in several of my posts. But I still stand by my statement 'It is unnatural for a woman 25 or 30 yrs of age not to have sex'.
    Just because that society forbids it or considers it a taboo does not necessarily translate to unmarried women not having sexual urges or have premarital sex in India. I am sure there is a valid reason why the OP posed the question 'Is premarital sex right?' and I was merely trying to answer her moral dilemma with my opinion. That link posted by someone a few posts back about teenage sex in India on the rise, further validates my argument.
    And just because adultery, homosexuality and premarital sex are forbidden in Islamic regimes does not mean those things do not go on there or there are no people in those countries with such affinities. Those societies forcefully take away civil liberties of certain marginalized groups because they are autocracies and dictatorships and they can. But that does not help in anyway to address the crux of the problem and those societies merely sweep it under the rug. Taking away civil liberties of minorities and marginalized groups may work for autocracies but it is not acceptable in democratic and free societies.
    Last time I checked, India is a democracy and a free country and in fact the largest democracy in the world. So people have freedoms to exercise their liberties in India and marriage is not a prerequisite to having sex, atleast according to the Indian constitution. Whatever societal norms that are floatng around are rules made up by male dominated societies in the past and they blindly follow them without questioning them or have critical thinking to challenge their merit. It is our responsibility to change those norms and progress towards a more open and free society and not be manacled and shackled to made up societal norms without logic or rationale behind it.
    I'll cite one example which the Indian society adopted and followed blindly and morphed into a monster. The caste system. It was merely a system to distinguish the society purely based on occupations in the old Aryan civilization and look how that got misconstrued and caused massive damage and inequality in the Indian society and probably still does, despite the fight against it to reverse its ill effects and establish egalitarianism in the society. Just like that, the whole premarital sex is a taboo is something someone made up hundreds of years ago because probably there was lack of contraception or education in that microcosm. Well I think we have overcome that barrier with science and we have enough information and knowledge available now to know better.

    I hope you understand my point of view and no offense taken from yours either :) Cheers
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2010
  5. mithy232

    mithy232 Silver IL'ite

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    I second you piscesy.....I loved your writing.....What you said is hard to digest but it is 100% true! :)
     
  6. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Malavika,

    Your response was well understood and thanks for posting back.
    I am sorry if I have hurt you by my question. Please understand.. I didn't say you need to be an Indian origin to post an answer here, but my concern was, it would be very good if you understand the culture and systems of India before you post your response her. Because every society has their own set of rules and regulations, which is something very different for an outsider to understand unless they have paid more attention to it.

    The former statement is 100% right, but not the latter. Just because there are many instances of premarital sex in India doesn't mean it is unnatural for an Indian woman of 25 - 30 years of age not to have sex. There are so many woman, who gets married so late and wait until their marriage to have their first sex. It is just how the system works here in many parts of India.

    Have you read my thread about Extra Marital Affairs in India (Thread name is Life in a Metro) in this forum. In that thread also, I have quoted an article that says extra marital affairs in India on the rise and its a shocking fact. Just because there are many EMAs in India, doesn't mean it is unnatural for a married couple NOT to have EMA.

    Yes.. I agree.. Due to corporate culture, IT influence and the adoption of metro life style there are plenty of pre marital sex and EMAs in India.. It is not uncommon in the rural areas too, but this alone doesn't brand a society/country where pre marital sex or EMAs are unnatural.

    Who we are to say which is acceptable and not acceptable? It is their norms, rules, laws and this is how their system works.
    As you said, there are plenty of adultary, pre marital sex and homosexual and so many other issues in those closed Islamic countries.. That was not my argument above. I said, if you are answering to a predominantly Islamic forum, then you need to understand how their system works prior to offer any suggestions/comments. Please let us not divert the discussion here:)

    See.. Last time you checked, I guess through internet about how the system works in India. You THINK, India is a largest democracy in the world hence all the citizens of India have the freedoms to excercise their liberties and marriage and sex is not exceptional.

    Well, its not your fault... but not the right information either.
    Just for your info...It is true that pre marital sex or EMAs are not crimes here.. It is not illegal, and hence you won't be arrested or punished by the legal system here. But legal norms alone doesn't work in a society. There are few other cultural and regional eliments, which prohibits these practises in most parts of the India.

    Your statement reminds me of my past days... Before coming to Africa, I used to have a very different perspective about African culture (basically I learnt from google and via TV, news), but after having spent a couple of years here, now I understand how wrong I was before.

    Finally, I agree with your answer to the OP... You are free to say your view point of pre marital sex... Whether it is right or wrong... Your answer is perfectly all right.

    This is what made me write here, as I still feel your statement doesn't sound OK with this predominant Indian forum.
     
  7. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    Tugga

    Once again, you are not seeing the distinction between 'unnatural' and 'uncommon' in my argument. A 25 yr old or a 30 yr old not having sex may not be uncommon in India but that does not mean it is what the nature's norm is. We as women have clear signals from nature to signify we have reached the age of sexual maturity :) Choosing whether to have sex or not have sex is something you make a choice based on the environment and societal norms and other factors. That has no bearing on the sexual urges or temptations of the women who are waiting to be married to have sex because they conform to the societal standards and afraid of the stigma.

    You know, India is a country with 1.2 billion people and the only demographics of the population that comes under scrutiny is the middle and upper middle working class which is probably about 20-25% of the Indian population. Nobody knows what goes on with the rich 2% and nobody cares what goes on with the 65-70% which lives under poverty either. The societal rules do not apply in most cases to both those demographics.

    Well believe it or not, Indians have a constitutional right to exercise their freedoms and liberties and the law provides for it and protects their individual liberties. That is the only thing that matters. Law of the land. What you decide to practice or follow out of your own choice is not the law of the land and premarital sex is one such individual choice. If people know what their rights and liberties are, then there would be no ambiguities. Cultural and regional elements are societal norms a select group of people decide to adhere to but they are not law of the land. People need to question and critically examine these elements and evaluate if there is any merit to these things in the modern society but sadly most people do not.
    Believe me, there were so many societal norms and evils in the Indian society in the past are no longer societal norms because someone debunked the myth and rubbish reasoning behind those practices. Indian society does not practice jumping into your husband;s funeral pyre or virgin sacrifices or other nonsensical practices that were a societal norm hundreds of years ago, do they? Just like those, the whole 'no sex before marriage' idea can be debunked as well. In the modern society, there is absolutely no logic or rational reasoning behind that practice. Instead, they should focus on things like teaching sex education in schools to make people knowledgable about sex. Abstinence only does not work, never has worked. It never worked for the Indian society and it never worked for the catholic church. Only thing that works is education and make people aware of sex and the side effects. I think its high time India went this way as India has a rampant AIDS epidemic and people should be educated about sex and contraception at a young age.
    Remember, India long time ago used to be a very sexually open society. It gave the world the Kamasutra and if you carefully look at the carvings in the walls of Indian temples, sex is the central theme.
     
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  8. shyamalajh

    shyamalajh Gold IL'ite

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    Khushboo is an entertainer and giving statements like some sociology expert was stupid. She is generalizing based on her experiences with people around her . Most here on forum are doing the same. most studies show pre marital sex does happen in India but most abstain from it.

    Coming to peer pressure, it works both ways. In west many are in hurry to have due to peer pressure, In India like countries opposite is happening till now in most parts of the country. Freedom in true sense is theoretical in case of majority, just in the constitution.

    Personally, I think pre marital sex is more complicated than most understand. When in general it is encouraged without proper edcucation on it especially as being done in countries like india(related problems like single motherhood, teenage pregnancies and 18yr olds having to make decisions like abortions and I also know of cases in USA where the women used pills for so long before marriage and had abortions and so now in 30's when finally got married to somebody have difficulty getting pregnant). They need to be educated on all of these likely consequences, and if they really consciously want to make an educated choice to have pre marital sex with a partner, then it is different. Remember anything goes wrong like girl gets pregnant, even in USA men disapper right away, and In India like countries parents (who pay for marriage , education everything in most cases)will have to deal with it so parents must have a say in this. most college girls won't even be able to pay for their abortion forget bringing up child. what independence?
    My decision was to not have. I had plenty opportunity (time away from parents), and didn't believe it would be morally wrong for me to do so with the person I was engaged to(with others, I had no confusion I knew any intimacy was out of question). But I decided not do so, that doesn't mean we were not intimate. I got married to the same person and we both are happy we did it the way we did. One needs to decide and set personal limits on their own based on their own situation.
    BTW I preferred a partner who had no sexual experience earlier with anyone else. I wanted us to explore and grow together in this area. Very Important to me. This helped us connect in a special way.
     
  9. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    Having or not having pre-marital sex is purely an individual choice and it is up to the individual to make that choice and there is nothing right or wrong or moral or immoral about that decision. That is a point I strenuously want to emphasize in this whole argument. Yes, it is highly imperative that all societies must educate their children at an young and appropriate age about sex, contraception and the side effects of it to aid them to make educated choices about having sex.
    Having said that, I also want to emphasize that neither the society and nor the inidividuals have a right to be judgemental on someone's choices based on some imaginary and unverified social protocols and norms and try to peddle them as 'defacto' standards for women to conform and adhere to. Women have fought for their individual rights and liberties and equality all over the world and have come a long way and have made significant progress in that arena. To be judgemental or stigmatize women, especially by fellow women, for the individual choices they make is to aid and abet in defeating the purpose of women's rights and equality and freedom of choices. Please do not forget that and respect them for the life choices they make, be it premarital sex or homosexuality or whatever other choices which you personally think are anathema. We all have to remember the fact that all our personal preferences and likes and dislikes are not law of the land wherever we may live and nor can we legislate them into laws for everyone. Always keep that in mind. Cheers
     
  10. shyamalajh

    shyamalajh Gold IL'ite

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    'It is unnatural for a woman 25 or 30 yrs of age not to have sex'.
    True , but remember one doesn't need a man/woman to fulfill the biological part of it . Can do independently. So, I wouldn't be shocked or would pity the person If I met someone who never met the right person so, decided not to get involved. They could very well be biologically content but never met someone they trust to fulfill the psychological/emotional part.
     
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