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Is only the wife resposible for maintaining the family balance?

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by Chitvish, Nov 24, 2008.

  1. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Friends, do you all believe that in marriages, there is mutual give and take, and, a 50-50 partnership?
    Are the scales evenly balanced when we clearly define what is expected of the husband or the wife?
    Are you convinced that the scale does not tilt towards (any) one side?

    I know, I am asking too many questions! Well, just one more, please!!

    How does the equation change when
    Both partners are working
    Or
    When the wife is a home-maker?

    When a girl gets married ( I am talking of typical Indian Society now), she takes time to cope with the dynamics of the new family. In India, we say, a girl just does not get married to a boy but to a family. Hence that is her most demanding task, since adapting to a new family atmosphere is not easy at all. She is expected to make a mark as soon as she enters the family! This is where the Indian psyche complicates the situation.
    I don’t deny that it has improved over the recent years. But when it comes to compromise and tolerance, the expectation from the woman still continues to be on the higher side!
    Now, it is accepted that she does need time for her personal grooming, hobbies, visiting her side relatives etc; but still, when it comes to sacrifices, the expectation from her continues to be high!

    For career women, the society very often expects, the man’s career comes first, however well the wife is educated and employed. She is expected to be ready to resign and relocate if her husband cannot let go of a good opportunity for growth. She has to do it, lest resentment creeps in! The reverse is true in very rare cases.

    The woman is expected to keep in touch and visit her in-laws on a regular basis. But how many men do the same? Leave alone in-laws, the wife is expected to be sociable with her husband’s friends, but do men socialise when their wives’ friend drop in? It happens in less cases!!

    A woman has the natural flair for keeping the family together and maintaining harmony in relationship. Ofcourse, today quite a few men have taken on the womens’ jobs like doing the dishes, cleaning up etc. A man who is sure of himself and understands the family role does this happily.

    Each marriage is unique and finds its own balance. There is no point in comparing and generalising. But the sad thing is, a man is appreciated if he is supportive; if the wife is, it is taken for granted! It is only expected of her!!

    We must start on a firm footing of mutual respect for eachother and both must work equally hard for its success. Because we are married “for better or for worse” !

    Love,
    Chithra.
     
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  2. Jananikrithsan

    Jananikrithsan Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Chithu,
    I think this time also Iam making the 'mudhal bonni'.This is
     
  3. Jananikrithsan

    Jananikrithsan Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Chiths,
    This is something that plays on my mind all time because a working woman has to juggle so many things at a time her family, kids and work. If there is an emergency at home she has to sit back from work and take care of the kids. More is expected of her than she can do not at times, but always. If the child is not brought up well as per expectations of the society thyen the mother takes the blame, why is that??? Woman is the fulcrum of every family and not always does she get credit for all that she does. Yes, she is more mentally and psychologically responsible, more for the bad than the good, whoever gave her a choice?????
    My thoughts!!!
     
  4. Jpatma

    Jpatma Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Chith,
    It takes two for a tango. Both husband and wife are equally important to maintain the family balance. Nowadays i find boys are good, not that many are chauvnistic as before & also getting along with other races also helps them to change their outlook.(sometimes i envy why wasn't i am born now,guys are so understanding) Infact guys are good with the kids. However, i feel during trying times women emerge better,& able to cope this better due to innate abilities. Let us take pride being a woman and able to juggle alot of things at a time. We are able to groom our children (though at times they go astray despite all the care and love given). Somehow i feel once we become mothers we assume the role of Goddess ,doing things unselfishly. But definitely father's influence matters too. But i have great regard for younger generation who are able to handle matters prudently.
    My colleagues at office they tend to take of their family so well ( care in words and deeds) at times i used to envy them, but i also encourage them to continue to do so.
    There can't be any perfect scenario,some family will have women infuence and some men influence. We just have to go on with it and adjust to situation.
    May God bless you.
    Jaya
     
  5. latamurali

    latamurali Gold IL'ite

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    Dear chit mam

    Excellent ,WELL SAID MAM you have told everything ( like pittu pittu vechutel) nothing more to say, i will be thikinh about this all the time and used to argue with my elders and the answer i get is BIG YES to your main question

    Only 25% of the people have changed , remaining 75% still blame ladies for everything and expects her to be very tolerant ( whether she is working / non-working /educated / uneducated ) and her responsibility is more when compared to men, wehter she is getting recognition for her act or credit for what she does , she is surely , still getting harsh comments like ennatha perisa senchutta , ava kadamai dhaney adhu ,ava kudubathuku ava sengha.etc avan pavam ....still we are hearing this type of comments

    Anf your final touch, I:bowdown:bowdown:bowdown FOR THOSE WORDS
     
  6. latamurali

    latamurali Gold IL'ite

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    (a man is appreciated if he is supportive; if the wife is, it is taken for granted! It is only expected of her!!) very simply you have revealed the situation , my mom used to say " pomanatiya kalllala katti sandhala posi vechueruknu" , i second her
     
  7. mkthpavi

    mkthpavi Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Chithra
    You have touched on a topic that is very close to my heart and for which I strongly feel about.
    The rules of our society do seem unfair when it comes to expectations from women vis-a-vis men. For whatever sacrifices or compromises the wife makes, she rarely gets recognition or appreciation.
    I recently visited my parents and my thatha and paati (father's side) were there. My dad normally does some outside grocery shopping and sometimes cutting vegetables also. In front of my and my husband's eyes, my grandma made a scene about how my mom makes my dad 'work'. It was ridiculous that paati herself sits in front of TV from 6 am in the morning till 10 pm in the night watching one idiotic SUN TV serial after another, instead of assisting my mom in vegetable cutting, which can be done sitting also. She is old, but not disabled or ill. She stills likes to eat all sweet and kaaram varieties and absolutely loves outside food like vadai and travels the length and breadth of India for pilgrimage etc !!! So, no question of being bedridden or ill.
    Can you believe when I say that the entire week when we were there, we could not watch TV, since the TV and remote were 'grabbed' by thatha and paati !!! Anyway...thats minor.
    My mom is working and has to leave home by 6.30 am and she is not keeping good health also. Despite this, paati would not allow appa to help mom and in fact, instructed her that she should get all the groceries on the way from work rather than 'stress out her son'. Dad thinks he is being pampered by his mom and does not speak out at all. I, being the younger one, could not shout back as well. My blood boiled and I wish I could take my mom out of that hell.
    I speak to my mom regularly, hoping that it will make her feel better. I am scared for her sometimes. How long can one take this without breaking down physically, mentally, emotionally? My mom is a gem and is very tolerant and she deserves a happier life, as an individual, as a family member and as fundamentally, a human being.
    We seem to be living in an impossible society with all kinds of preconceived notions and woman is treated like a piece of dust.
    I pray to God to give my mom and the likes of her, all the mental strength that is possible.
    Thanks and love
    Pavithra
     
  8. Lalitha Shivaguru

    Lalitha Shivaguru Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Mami,

    Mangaiyar Thilkam kitterndhu oru azhagana blog.... super o super.

    You have essayed my thoughts very well. How come we always seem to be agreeing in almost everything....:biggrin2:.

    I will tell you my incident. Being a working person, i have to do lot of juggling. It is a blessing in disguise that my company is also little supportive of me. Being a parents meeting in school, i need to take permission. If the kid is not well again the same. Simple reason I can afford to take that permission but I am more worried this will leave a black mark in my career path when it comes to appraisal and promotions.Rant

    If at all I ask my DH to help me by lending a hand in the domestic front then pat comes the reply... see I have been like this for 45 yrs not doing anything... now dont expect me to change . It is next to impossible. I am left wondering whether we are brought up only to do all these work.... We do have our personal likings and somethings which we do not like to do but still do the same only because of family. Today morning, suddenly i realsied I had run out of tomatoes and I need the same badly. Asked DH to get the same as I was getting late in rolling phulkas.. immediate reply was no problem if tomotoes are not there for that dish. Finally did the same without tomoatoes.bonk:spin
     
  9. corallux

    corallux Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Chithraji,

    Unlike the west where both the partners are expected to put in 50-50, Indian society expects 100% from the DIL.

    She has to change her name, everything & become a "part & parcel" of her new home.
    The male gets away with everything.

    Slowly things are changing for the better with women now more confident of taking control of their lives. Should a lady become a Home maker (I find the term housewife very demeaning), she is accused of being a "Sponge". If she is career oriented, she is "Selfish".

    Yes, a woman is allowed to work so long she renounces her right over her hard earned salary. One term I have heard in Oz amongst the Indian Diaspora to describe their wives' salary is "Supplementary".

    The Male's salary is the "main" one. The lady's salary goes for mortgage etc.

    Sorry for the deviation Chithraji, but I firmly believe that every marriage deserves a 50-50 input. Domination from any side male or female results in Domination not marriage.

    Regards,

    Corallux
     
  10. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Chitra,

    I don't have any words to express myself...except for a standing ovation.
     

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