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Is my life spoilt/his in this marriage ??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by momsgal, Feb 2, 2014.

  1. momsgal

    momsgal New IL'ite

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    Hi all, (Sorry for a such a long story - Thanks for opening to read)

    I belong to a upper middle class decent family,avg looking-well educated-working professional.Mine is a arranged cum luv marriage. Yes it was him who approached my father and my family liked though i dint like much i got his number and v started chatting.slowly i started liking and gone craze of him. he himself said i had no person tis earth who luvs me tis much. ours was a long distance relationship thro' calls mostly nearly 9 months v were chatting .He was earning a good sum abroad but planned to leave that job and come here for a normal pay jus for my sake(as demanded by my parents).we had nice time and bad time as well. Hey is short tempered.Even if i say tis shirt doesnt suit u he ll get irritated like once he shared a new yr party pic in which he was wearing jean tshirt and a jerkin.He is 5.5' so that attire somewhat dint suit him/ i wud say dint impress me.so,i said it frankly its not nice, he got tensed and started fighting so badly and dint talk for a whole day, made me beg his pardon, scolded me so rudely. I adjusted his char jus for the luv i had for him.he is my first luv and first guy with wedding proposal.He too luved/es me.

    V used to talk for long hours on phone till 2/3 next morning. v used to talk all stuff(sex mostly) other wedding stuff, after marriage planning everything. Atlast those 9 months came to an end v got married. Not so happy wedding i shd say- i had a heavy currente shock on my reception while entering wedding hall (marriage arranged by him in his village). I managed with a thought im going into my beautiful loving caring hands so i ll b safe hereafter.

    After a day for some ritual our first nite was arranged. Both of us were excited to the top. As i entered hugged me so tight and i felt so happy.He was not slow in his moves,but still i enjoyed coz v were waiting for tis day for almost a yr so i allowed him to do whatever he wants. I jus got surrendered totally. After 10 mins (of IC) he jus walked out of me leaving me naked and sat seperately.I was totally taken back but managed to get up went near him asked him wat happened? he said u were not a virgin. I was totally frozen. During college time i had male frnds but not a single luv in my life. Also i was not brought up in a way to loose my virginity.

    But I had done a mistake. Yes i had that very bad habit of watching adult only pics and videos during college time , and i started masturbating myself. It went to peak that i started using objects (small tubes,half length of small carrot). During our courtship he had once mentioned that the vaginal hole wud b very small and a girl ll cry out during first time IC. I dint take it seriously and did not admit my mistake that time

    During first night he harrassed me physically when i admitted this mistake of mine. yes he bet me. My face got swollen. For the first time some one bet me. I was sad started crying but i got those for doing this mistake. He did not believe me he doubted that i lost my virginity completely for an affair/something. I dint have words to explain. My parents were right outside the room in hall if the issue goes to them they wud die. Next day he dint talk to me, felt betrayed almost lost the luv for me,. I took him to nearby temple and promised in front of my fav god muruga by keeping my palm on hot camphor that i dint loose my virginity by an affair / some yuck i did masturbation only and i feel very sorry for it.

    He accepted it and that night itself he was ok and we were good again. I believed him that he trusted truely and felt bad for doing such nonsense before wedding. He used to say there is no tightness in my vaginal hole he is not getting full pleasure.I dint know what to do.

    After this whenever he fights he brings tis topic , beats me badly scolds me with bad words tat im cheap gal makes me cry. Out of frustration i got to extent of suicide, then he ll say i luv u somuch dear if u irritate me (for some home related issues) i remember this thing only. Dont irritate me pls then he ll involve in sex with me and i used to get consoled. I feel so hurt. After almost both of us forget the incident and move on.

    Actually my parents dint give any dowry apart frm 50 soverigns of gold. They saved 2L for household items for me but at tat time they also bought a land for me.So my hubby was interested in buying another piece of land near tat place so my parents gave that 2L for this purpose. After this incident he used to say wat dowry ur parents gave for u, v have given a lot for my sister about whicch he had never talked befoer wedding.Today during some house hold shopping he said these items shud b given my parents they r so bad making me buy all these no sense. I got irritated and shouted back for that oly they gave 2L also before wedding wen asked for how much dowry u guys want they said v dont want anything jus the gal is more than enuf. I quoted tis ,he said at tat time v thought the gal itself is gold now only i came to know its a cheap material.

    I was totally irritated so started quarelling if its cheap i dint ask u to stay wit it. u can move on . he raised his hand again. But he called me bi**h tis time. i cudnt talk after that. V r nt talking. I lost the luv for him. Shd i get away frm tis relationship atleast he wud b happy.

    Without him i dont have a life, I luved him madly, he is my first n last as well. Whenver i say tis he also repeats. I dunno wat to do. Yes i did a mistake but i cannot let this news pass on to my parents / anyone. should i live first of all? he really luvd me but my activity made him do lik this
    for tht word i dont have a face him with luv ,.. Have cried for almost 8 months after wedding for these issues. dumbstruck nowshakehead
     
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  2. CoolPie

    CoolPie Silver IL'ite

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    Better meet a doctor who can explain him that there is absolutely nothing wrong in masturbation before marriage. You can also take him to a counsellor later if things don't get straight after meeting a doctor.

    The doctor or a counsellor should make him understand clearly. Otherwise it is difficult for you to deal with this guy.
    Knowing partially about anything will only lead to wrong judgements. Both of you try to meet a doctor or a sexologist first.
     
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  3. Vgpss

    Vgpss Senior IL'ite

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    Op.. I feel sorry for you..
    You have to first stop feeling guilty.. You never did a mistake.. Stay strong.. All men watch **** and masturbate so do women.. If women start thinking like him then all men are cheap material.. He never watched **** before marriage?. then it's really strange.. Take him to a doctor and he can correct him..

    And about dowry.. God.. You gave 50 sovereign and 2 lakhs and still feel that you didn't give much dowry.!! That itself is too much for such a guy,, is he not capable of earning for his own needs.. Only he should feel ashamed for expecting others hands.. I think our generation is so advanced and most open minded men will never bug about dowry..
    you pls stop feeling guilty.. He is going too much because you are also feeling ithat you have done something wrong..
    you both can try talking to a counsellor and hope he can be corrected.. All the best..
     
  4. complainBaby

    complainBaby Bronze IL'ite

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    every person masturbate n watch **** , wat's big deal ? only wrong thing is u told him truth , det was mistake , u were naive , nobody tells these secrets to anybody , even boys to dont tell all this to their wife

    ur guy is rubbish , virginity obsessed
     
  5. my2angels

    my2angels Silver IL'ite

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    OP

    To be honest that was too much information. But I am ashamed at the way he treats you .

    I will not comment on that thing but I will second coolpie's response. I just can't get the beating, abuse and the dowry thing out of my head. Did you say he was working abroad and he still nags for dowry? That is shameful to read that even educated people are interested in dowry.

    Wonder when this situation will change !!
     
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    The tightness issue can be fixed by kegels exercises or an operation. Same thing happens after childbirth for some. Take him to a sexologist/doctor. They will guide you and educate him. He has half-baked knowledge and it is better some expert clear it up for him.

    His tendency to lose it for trivial things worries me. He seems to like slapping you around for the smallest excuse. Frankly he has abusive tendencies. He doesnt think twice about hurting you in order to make himself feel better. Take steps to fix the issues before this becomes a habit with him.
     
  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    I came back to add that from your wedding night description it is unlikely he was a virgin at the time of your marriage either. I suspect he is quite experienced. Almost immediately he understood what is the issue and secondly had the presence of mind to realize it so quickly? How is it possible? This is quite rare for most men. Even if they realize it would be afterwards, maybe next day, next week or sometime later. Your case is quite unusual. The speed of his reaction shows he has himself done it enough times to be able to tell the difference right away. I think he is reminded of the times he enjoyed before marriage and thinks you did the same. I think he cant stand the thought of that.
     
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  8. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Hey is short tempered.Even if i say tis shirt doesnt suit u he ll get irritated like once he shared a new yr party pic in which he was wearing jean tshirt and a jerkin.He is 5.5' so that attire somewhat dint suit him/ i wud say dint impress me.so,i said it frankly its not nice, he got tensed and started fighting so badly and dint talk for a whole day, made me beg his pardon, scolded me so rudely.

    Ohh dear you were really naive.That was a huge red flag.You should have stopped this affair at that point.

    He was not slow in his moves

    I remember my husband shaking when he tried to kiss me first time.Thats how no experience men behave.There is strong possibility that this guy is himself experienced and thus MCP as he wants tight hole.WitsendPlus dowry and physical abuse and you still love this guy.Sorry OP you got either blind in love and ignored your self respect.
    This guy is plain horrible.
    Masturbation is normal and everyone do it men women alike.Dont feel guilty for that.

    Its high time that you make your parents aware that you are not in good marriage and that this guy beats you.Dont suffer silently.
     
  9. Kismet

    Kismet New IL'ite

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    OP, if you're a troll, get a life!
    if not, the first time your husband 'bet' you, you should have been out of the door
     
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Tell him you will tell everyone about his abuse. If he threatens to tell about your little experiments with yourself...just tell him you will deny everything and make him look like a vengeful jackass. Some men don't deserve to hear the truth....this hypocrite is one of them. He seems to be the kind who has slept with every whore he could afford and expects a girl untouched even by herself.
     

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