Is my cousin and her family getting trapped by this marriage?

OP, as a mother of a nineteen year old girl, and somebody who would have to go through the milestone of marriage of the daughter, i am not able to accept the one thing i have highlighted. i fully agree, that the daughter is important, the daughter's wishes are important, the daughter's life is more important, but then going in to accept and do a marriage just for the daughter's sake when something (i prefer to call it the gut instinct) tells you there is a big loophole in the whole scenario is a big no.

Forget the money, the traditions and all the other hungama. have the family got proper details about the guy and the family there?

my daughter tells me, if at all you want me to get married, please forget about getting me so much jewellery or the circus called wedding and the unwanted expenses. I will pay for my wedding and she is still in college. as parents we would want to do it for our only daughter, but then not because it is being demanded, but because we may want to.

a meeting at a neutral place or at the girl's place is what is routine. even if it is otherwise, the girl is not taken to their place before marriage. yes the family visits the home of the guy, to know more about them.

engagement- even here, sometimes when the marriage is done in a shorter time-span, just betel nut and flowers are exchanged between both the parties. (in ours engagement is done at the boy's place and is their expenditure) while i also know that there are castes in south where the engagement is done at the girl's place and the marriage and the expenses are from the boy's side.

Today traditions have undergone a makeover to suit the convenience of people. why is the guy's family having an upper hand in the decision making and demanding in a mutual decision making process. the answer lies in the why?? at least to me.

you need to compromise a little and adjust a little for your daughter's sake, but here it is like the 100% going out of the way to please the guy family.

high time the parents sat with the girl and talked about the future possible issues, the compromises the girl will have to do later and how she looks at future. she needs to understand that life could take a different tangent after marriage and if is she strong enough to face it.

and not last but importantly the girl and boy need to talk it, the other equations in the marriage, the future and they need to come to decision and this has to be shared in front of both the sets of parents.

and the girl needs to stand up for her parents.

AS a mother, for me other than the girl liking the boy, nothing sounds comfy!!

Coming to the 35lakhs for a wedding..girls in the recent times, i have seen very simple weddings in the close circle costing 30/40 lakhs. not justifying the request or the cost. just to tell you people that the cost of a marriage that is a very decent one, with say 1000 plates(food) could cost anywhere from 20 lacs. and i also have come to hear of weddings that are done on 4 to 5 crores in upper middle class and this is south indian weddings.

 

chillbreeze,

I so agree that a 10lac even 5lac wedding is possible. and if you ask me i would be happy giving a 1 lac wedding and a 40lac portfolio to my daughter if the case is. i am just trying to tell that the costs have escalated and 20-40 is no more considered too costly.

 

OP,

No side is right or wrong here. i think the two sides are quite mismatched in terms of background, education or values and the only common point is that the bride and groom are co-workers.

If I am guessing right the bride is probably from kolkata, from an urban, probably more liberal and westernized family, where they give this level of education to daughters as well as sons The groom on the other hand is from some jharkand town which would be perforce a smaller town, probably he is the one big hope of his family, grew up in a small town, less educated parents, parents probably invested in this son who will get a really good job and take care of them so his parents probably expect that on his wedding they will get this much money from the brides people. Now instead of getting some less educated bride from their own town who would suitably overawed by the educational qualifications and city job of the groom they find they have a bride who is as educated and qualified and not at all overawed by their son. I would suggest the father of the bride and bride together put aside all the emotion and take a good hard look at the family their background, their values and their expectations instead of blindly committing 'for the sake of the daughter'.

 

I am a south indian and now in gujarat. I have a bihari friend here and she s a close frnd of mine. I have heard from her that the guys side get the money (dowry ) from the girls side and they do the wedding. In my friend's case, her husband s family was given 11 lakhs(wedding on 2010).

Going to inlaws place before marriage depends on ppl i guess. I have seen few families who goto inlaws places before marriage. But saying no to engagement is not fair. Engagement do happen everywhere nowadays.

 

35laks is too much..better to kick him out of life before its too late. People who demanded now can also demand post marriage. If they dont have money this may lead to divorce.

 

Without getting into cultural references, I'd say if the amount is unaffordable for the girl's parents, then the only person letting down someone is the girl letting down her own parents by putting them in this tight spot. The boy is certainly not letting his parents down by towing their line. He has clearly indicated that his parents' wishes override those of the girl and her family. He has taken a clear stand well before the wedding and put the ball in the girl's court. The girl & her family should be wise enough to decide whether or not this prospective marriage works for them.

 

Agree with Shanvy.
I have two teen aged daughters.The elder one told us she will only have a court wedding. When I asked her what if the groom wants a big proper wedding...her response was"then he is not the right one for me".She also said..."If you are itching to spend your money...just give it to me.I will use it as seed money for my house .Smart girl.....

 

ym,

without even going through this rel.forum, my dd says "who wants to get married and into the shackles of mind boggling manipulations and worries". i worry if marriage has lost its sheen sometimes and then there is this sweety in her class in college who says "Aunty, i would love to get married as soon as i complete college", and i wonder again if the girl is in love with idea of getting married or she knows what is in store..

the solace is some of the the new gen kiddos are very clear about what they want to do. she says she would rather enjoy a world tour with her family for that money.

 

so true. but then for the sake of the daughter the family going ahead with it, is not acceptable. time and again, we hear, read and even see that families like that of the girl's family here, repent a lot in leisure. instead why not take some more time, analyze the situation, talk it over.

why is there an upper hand!!!

have seen inter-state, inter-country marriages too.but there has been a mid-way taken in most of them. why not here??