Is my cousin and her family getting trapped by this marriage?

Here is my response being from M.P. (central India) and have relatives in U.P and Bihar.

Honetly this should not be a fctor to decide if family is geniuin or not special if you do not have any knowledge in culture.

 

OP, a friend of mine got married ('love' marriage) a few years ago into a community, in UP I think, where weddings + gifts cost around 30-35 lakhs. However the guy was totally against her parents spending outrageously for gifts like a luxury car/ home appliances/ an OTT marriage. He simply took a stand and informed his parents to expect nothing more than a decent wedding; then he and his family sponsored a nice reception in their home town. That's all. The girl's parents neither went into debt nor did her dad blow his retirement fund.

If the guy refuses to step in and take charge, the girl's side must politely but emphatically refuse to waste money like this just for pomp and show. The couple has to sit together and decide the must-haves for their wedding and who is going to pay for what. If the guys family refuses to see reason, the girl must rethink living together with them under one roof should she marry the same guy...

 

35L is too much. Your sister needs to seriously think about this guy and his family. Get the expectations of all rituals and traditions Godbharai (baby shower), when to give to what for kids birth, what needs to be given to in-laws when etc. I don't think this will stop at 35L. This may just be the beginning.

It may be the parents may not be greedy but that may be the trend in that part. So if you people decide to move forward, go with open eyes for the marriage and beyond.

 

Shame all this talk of money in the name of "our culture". When is the groom and the bride going to step up and take charge of wedding expenses in India and not put the poor parents of the woman through ringer?

 

Here are my two cents in this matter of 35 lakhs:

Sugar coating dowry demand in this manner is a clever way which makes me doubt that they could be very cunning people. Another example is the way the son did not know that father is going to demand the money and shouted at him for asking, but later gave in. If an adult man wants to take a stand on such imp. issue, there is nothing that should stop him from doing so. So not only they look like they are greedy for dowry but they are also quite cunning to go about it in a clever way.

I am not saying with 100 percent certainty that it is like that but there is a very strong possibility of it being like that.And when your precious possession is at stake (and by precious possession i mean their daughter not 35 lakh), you should not choose to give benefit of the doubt but rather choose to be 100 percent sure for the sake of ur daughter.

The parents should refuse the demand and see how they take it. The way they go about the refusal will show their true colours.In case if boys side do give in , than parents should opt for a decent wedding not a lavish one . Better to invest the money in their daughters future rather than blowing it on an OTT wedding.

 

What a mess...35 lakhs !! OP I am sorry, but this amount of money is just unreasonable.

I am from Kolkata and I can tell you that rarely girls come to in-laws place to see them before marriage. Also, dowry is almost non-existent now among educated people in this region. Specially in love-marriages, I have never heard of dowry demands nowadays. In negotiation marriages, parents tend to reject alliances outright when there is a dowry demand. This is what I have seen in my close circles.Parents gift the daughter jewellery, clothes as per their capabilities.Maximum they can gift some furniture, but no cash.

I donot know much about trends in Bihar.

But north or South, irrespective of any region, asking for dowry is a big NO NO. I find it totally unethical and the girl should make her escape while she can.Either she has to talk to her fiance firmly about seeing sense else this alliance will not be a good decision for her. I feel that even if a guy is not money-minded now, in later point of time he can be brain-washed by his parents after marriage.

 

Just one more thing to add , I can see some responses saying their is no marriage without mangani/engagement. In my side, we say this as Bariksha ..it's not similar to engagement but grooms family go to bride house and give some gifts to bride (like jwel, saree and money), similar is brides famiy go to grooms house. In these ceremonies bride and groom never go to each other's home. This is our engagement. But because these all ceremonies need time, more money to invest, people started doing same in marriage day. So till that day no other ceremoney except 'Tilak' where bride family go to grooms home. THis is just a confirmation from families that marriage is fixed and family decide date. Similar to Roka (mentioned in one of the response)

Some one said asking 35 Lakhs as culture. I am sorry if you interpret me wrong. I never said 'ASKING' is our culture, in my place normally gals family spend these amount in marriage (alone , no sharing) not boy family ask anything. Some times they says 'Good Marriage celebration' now it's girl family's interpretation and defenately capacity.

PS - I didn't have engagment ceremoney (mine is love marriage in same cast), neither my brothers nor my SIL. I had my Bariksha , 2 months before marriage and my brother had 1 week before marriage. We still do not have engagement ceremoney (ring ceremoney).

Again this might not be applicable to whole Bihar/UP/MP..but where I have relatives and cast groups.

 

Red flag! Does not seem genuine. I am not a North Indian and I know nothing about the Bihari weddings.

1. Dowry is a criminal offence.

2. Please make your sis understand that what she is into is nothing but a quagmire.

3. If he is really in love with her, he would not have let his parents demand dowry!

4. If he cannot even stand up for this before the wedding, I do not know if he stands up for her after the wedding at any point.

5. I have known of a Bihari guy and an Andhra girl who did a 50-50 wedding. So this is a humbug!

6. Please speak to your sis not on her wrong choice of the guy and family, but of her parents agony!

Good luck.

 

35 lakhs is not the issue here. It is possible to spend even 350 lakhs on a wedding, based on the family's capability.
However the expenses should not be demanded from the bride's family. That is equal to asking for dowry, without any thought for the financial well-being of her family afterwards.
If the bridegroom's family is sincere, then they should either share in the expenses or let the bride's family conduct the wedding according to their means. Anything else is a big red flag and would send me running for the hills.The bridegroom should be insistent on this and overrule any unreasonable demands.

 

Thank you for saying that. The amount is not the problem. For some, 5 laks is too much and for some 1 crore is too little. All this extortion in name of "culture" and tradition is the problem.

What I am surprised is educated women are okay with it or even justify it with no thought to their parents and what they go through to meet such demands. It is a sad situation. No one can buy happiness and greed has no limits.