1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Is my cousin and her family getting trapped by this marriage?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Onegoodlife, Aug 2, 2014.

  1. Onegoodlife

    Onegoodlife Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    15
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    One of my relative is in love with a Bihari(JHA)guy settled in Kolkatta. Recently the parents met and had a talk. The guys dad insisted that he wants the wedding in their style. We are South Indians. The girls father was not ready for it but then finally had to give in for the sake of the daughter. The guys dad said that he doesn't need any dowry but according to their custom the girls family has to take care of all the wedding expenses and he demanded 35 lakhs for the wedding expenses.

    i have a few questions here. These people are settled permanently in Kolkatta. So please tell me if any of the below is true for a Bihari or a Kolkata wedding.

    1. I have heard in the north that the guys family takes care of the wedding expenses. But here they say the girls family does it. Is it true?

    2. Isn't 35 lakhs too much just for a wedding? We really don't know and haven't seen a Bihari wedding. Will it cost so much for the wedding? How much does an average Bihari wedding cost?

    3. When the guys dad demanded 30L, it seems that the guy shouted at his dad saying that he shouldn't demand so much. What do u think about this? Some say the guy must have genuinely done it but I feel that the guy was putting up a drama with his dad. The guy lives with his parents so don't u think they must have discussed all this even before the girls family went to meet them.

    4. In our culture the guy and his family needs to come and see the girl and the girl doesn't go to her in laws place before the wedding but here these people said that according to their culture the girl and her family needs to come to the guys home first. Is this true. We really don't know anything about this hence these doubts.

    5. When the girls family asked about an engagement they said in their culture they don't do engagements, it's directly the wedding. Is this true?

    from the above I really feel the guy and his family are not genuine and all they need is the girls money... What do u all feel?
     
    1 person likes this.
    Loading...

  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,638
    Likes Received:
    23,027
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Big Red Flag.
    35 lakhs for the wedding is a dowry. Who the hell are they trying to fool.
    Seriously...the girl wants to go and live in a family like this ...that too a joint family?????

    They should tell them that since we are from different cultures...we do things our way ...you do it your way.Let the girl have a simple south Indian wedding and the guy can have a self sponsored wedding bihari style.

    1) Don't know about bihari weddings...but generally the girls side conducts the wedding and the guys side the reception.
    2)Yes 35 lakhs is a bit too much...specially when they want to look like saints who don't ask for dowry.Besides no one should have a gall to force a grand wedding on any one.If they want one...have the guts to pay for one.
    3)The guy should know his parents well.I just don't understand these love marriages....they want the best of everything.Choose a partner and then make parents pay.
    4)I have not heard of the girl and her parents going to the guys place....don't know if biharis do that.Could be to put pressure on the girl's side.
    5)don't know....it is possible.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2014
    9 people like this.
  3. Quebec

    Quebec Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,422
    Likes Received:
    3,211
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    LOL ..... And you beleive those hypocrites........

    First
    1. ENGAGEMENT is integral.... NOBODY GOES STRAIGHT TO WEDDING.

    2. GIRL DOES NOT go to her inlaws.. The boys side visit the girls side traditionally OR they meet at s NEUTRAL place.....

    3. 30 lakhs....!!!...... You kidding me..... Bihari wedding are more simple..... Althought not pointificating but OPULENCE is more suitable in a Punjabi setting.

    4. LOL...... Good dramebaaz they are...... Although it is possible that sometimes dad-son arent close but still as this is Love cum arranged the guy would have discussed it so I say BULL****.

    5. See North south is all same. Traditionally gals family does it in north for most of things but not all. Some are for boys side..... BUT recently i have seen MOSTLY that the expenses are being shared. ATLEAST what i have seen..... BUT YAA TRADITIONALLY its the gals side.


    BUT i again say BULL****.........
    Dont in a Million years......

    Rest is up to you guys......
    Talk to some friends up north and ask the same things with phone on loudspeaker to the gals family so that they know exact stuff......

    Best of luck.... May god help them through this whichever is the right path they choose....
     
    2 people like this.
  4. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,628
    Likes Received:
    1,407
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    It doesn't matter which culture they belong to.what matter more is if your sister trust this guy enough and know him very well.If this guy is going to protect her and stand up everytime by her whenever his parents try to force unfair customs on her under the name of culture.Or this guy is going to back off and let girl suffer because they are his parents and there is limit to how much he can oppose them.
    Is he ok living separately after marriage if dil and in law don't get along?
    There is going to be difference in food they eat.
    Do you think your sister can adjust to different food ,language etc.Its not easy .One of my friend married inter cast and now she is not able to adjust because she has acidity and at her martial house they eat spicy food.Guy' side off course don't change their habits .They just assume its girls job.She should literally think about all these adjust ment before taking any decision.
     
    2 people like this.
  5. Quebec

    Quebec Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,422
    Likes Received:
    3,211
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    ENGAGEMENT is called Mangni and sometimes also done as CHEKA.....

    If nothing else then google bihari/north wedding mangni/roka.......


    Still not beleive me..... No probs...

    See this

    A Marriage Made In Bihar | Shaadi Vows

    A Marriage Made In Bihar « Shaadi Vows
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,638
    Likes Received:
    23,027
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    They should try to delay the wedding and try to get to know and investigate the family more.
     
    2 people like this.
  7. RedRuby

    RedRuby Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,060
    Likes Received:
    1,386
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Im not aware about specific bihari traditions but i never came across a marriage whithout being engaged before, that sounds weird for me.
    The amount of money is too much in my opinion and sounds a bit greedy. Its still often the girls side who takes care of the finances but a lot of people knowadays share expences. It´s often that guys side pays reception brides side the rest. If you feel its too much you can use the same strategy and say its your custom and culture to do / not do this or that, then its the question about where to find the compromise in the middle. It might be that the guy is not too close to his father hence didnt discuss in detail, in that case you have to think about wether you like to get your cousin married in a family where they fight about things in public and create drama scenes instead of discussing to find conclusion before situation arises..... Its not like this question came out of the blue and hit them like a train... If it was not true "fight" in public think about what it means that they put on drama to blind and confuse you people. Im just mentioning these things as you said you have a bad feeling about it and the fact that you ask all this questions here means you smell the fish.. which is itself a bad sign i feel.
    About girls side visiting grooms side, no, i never heard about this but might be custom in their area.
     
    1 person likes this.
  8. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    745
    Likes Received:
    666
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Best would be for both the groom & bride to discuss what they want to do, and how much they want to spend on the wedding, and plan the wedding. Each should decide what each can contribute (ideally 50-50) and go from there.

    I believe, since it is their wedding, they should be the decision makers in planning as well. Taking help and approvals from parents are Ok, as it appears the bride & groom here rely on parents for their wedding expenses. (I agree in most of Indian expenses, parents bear the cost, but not in all).

    But here since both are working professional, and they decided to get married, it would make both parents life easier, if they are the mediators. Otherwise there is every possibility that the girls parents would be taken for a ride.

    Also, given the background, I would not recommend a joint family setup atleast in the initial few years of the marriage.

    Hope this couple make the right choices, and take control of their life !

    Cheers,
    JM
     
    4 people like this.
  9. RADIODOC679

    RADIODOC679 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    497
    Likes Received:
    257
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    35 LAKHS-MY MY your cousin can very well invest in a 2bhk flat in Bangalore& enjoy the appreciation-rather than blow it away on some foolish wedding-BTW how come a wedding in a middle class costs so much?????I smell a rat-Thank heavens the real side of the so called grrom is revealed before marriage-I'm 200% sure he is also hand in glove with all these dowry things.& why should she stay in thier house pre-wedding-so she gets to know what else to buy for them or what housework is expected of her?????All red flags dear OP& If all this is in a love marriage-god forbid post marriage what demands they will make!!!Please think 20000 times before commiting your sister to this great family!
     
  10. introspection

    introspection Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    103
    Likes Received:
    113
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Male
    Definitely !!

    You don't need any more pointers ... one bewildering thought though ..this is love marriage right ..so everything should be joint collaboration right ? ...why this huge money demand ? your cousin must be educated & working ... so why such a big compromise on values ??
     

Share This Page