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Is Money The Only Validation Of Living Life Usefully?

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by anika987, Apr 2, 2021.

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  1. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    OK... this is TAX time in Amerika. This OP has to look at the Tax Table, and see what is the MARGINAL tax (Federal 24%+ California 9% ...or whatever state) she would pay on each $10 she makes an hour in addition to FICA and Medicare, when her husband makes $200000 adjusted gross income. Unless her goal is to punish herself for some weird-joy, there will be so little money from her toils. If she spends money on getting to work and back, that little would be wiped out.
    If you file your annual tax returns jointly, that is an official recognition that it is YOUR money also. After reading this buy some pearls to wear for cooking/dishwashing. All this mental machinations is real work that deserves a payment.
    June Cleaver:
    upload_2021-4-3_10-45-10.png

    Still in Edit-time... adding an old classic video about getting a job and yet loafing....

     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2021
  2. hrastro

    hrastro Finest Post Winner

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    External things, material things - however rich and exclusive, cannot make you feel contented inside.

    Please work on that first...

    You say your husband respects you... Ask your husband to give you a part of his salary - apart from the "Ghar ka kharcha" - decide on an amount for your "house chores" - or calculate the amount you both would need to spend if you go out to work...

    It could even be your "minimum wage" that you would earn just to make you feel like "living life usefully"

    Ask him to deposit it in your account every month....

    Ideally - if you are ready to go out to work for minimum wage - this deposit should make you happy.. and contented!

    See @anika987 - if you're able to feel gratitude to what you have, if you are able to help or be of use to someone as per YOUR strengths and personality, your life will feel centred, aligned and contented! Then the money would not matter at all... in fact the money will come running behind you...

    The validation of living life usefully is not money - it is your own answer to YOUR conscience whether YOU are living life usefully.... If your conscience says YES - then that is your internal validation.... and we do not need any external validation!

    Keep smiling
    HR
     
  3. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    eh? Most American couples have joint bank accounts, and electronic deposits of salaries. No need to ask or give money.
    Likely they have ATM cards, Credit cards etc... that are together also.
    For many from frugal backgrounds, and always hunting for "value", spending the money is a problem.
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2021
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  4. hrastro

    hrastro Finest Post Winner

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    Yes, I know!

    Not only american, even most Indian couples have 2 cards for a joint account...

    But the point is not that the husband is refusing to share... the point here is @anika987 feels that her work is not validated, and she wonders if money will make her feel more validated... so put that amount in a separate account and check if it makes her feel validated!

    I know many husbands who give their wives 5000 Rs per month to do whatever they want.... (Apart from any household or important expenses or gifts)
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2021
  5. Tobe

    Tobe New IL'ite

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    Hi anika,

    Thank you for starting this thread. Though the question you asked might be specific to your situation, it raises an interesting thought for self reflection.

    I particularly liked HR’s reply - “The validation of living life usefully is not money - it is your own answer to YOUR conscience whether YOU are living life usefully.... If your conscience says YES - then that is your internal validation.... and we do not need any external validation!”

    For me, above lines are worth reading whenever I am in a fix
     
  6. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I am happy with my life Harasto..sometimes get confused..if my choice of living is right as am completely away from the society norms..

    entire world is doing one thing..and here am doing something else and sometimes like a gravity pull..I find it hard to be confident about what and why am doing as I have zero support except for my husband.

    infact..people confuse me that my husband is manipulating me but in all honesty..he treats me with respect and is understanding.I personally never felt manipulated.

    due to taunts of family and maybe social media (quit but again started..need to channelize better)

    Maybe I don’t work the hardest but I work smart I feel.I do what needs to be done and do what I have to do.

    I save and spend correctly depends on my family needs.

    hubby finds me valuable and am content.

    Sometimes I feel if my contentment is hindering my progress..

    I feel like I have the potential to make money..but why am I content to be with what I have?why am I not making extra cash?

    Honestly one persons life cannot be compared with another.However..generalizations happen.

    Cannot even explain myself as to why am a certain way anymore.It gets annoying coz people already have decided who I am and I feel it is not correct coz they don’t know who I am really and why am doing and living life a certain way.

    At the same time..I don’t mind getting back to work but I want it in my terms whenever it is right for me and my family.

    When people say..”oh! What will I do at the age of 50 after kids leave?”..am like “one never even knows what will happen next minute or is it like people will never retire?”..

    one day or the other..everyone will be in the same boat.If we identify ourself with career..there r people who suffer after they retire coz many feel “what next”..Career is important but in my case I want have other priorities.

    My family just don’t seem to understand.

    Am okay with myself but they just don’t seem to stop..am not able to cut them out too..

    leave family..it’s not like I cannot stop everyone in the world with their opinions..

    Struggling to develop thick skin despite knowing the truth.their opinions do not matter but they irritate me so much by giving their opinions.the sarcasm and jests..That is the problem.

    Also,self doubt and confusions..need to gain clarity if am doing the right thing.
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2021
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  7. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I feel useful in my own ways..

    I love my hobbies and try to be better at it..

    I study courses to update myself coz I feel it never hurts to be prepared whether we are going for a job or not..

    I am learning a new language..

    I try to do my best at home..

    I am content and happy..living a simple life..

    watch movies,self care and relax..

    I never want to be superior or inferior.

    I don’t care if the next mom is a super mom.good for her if she is that.As long as am doing what I want and trying my best..where is the heck is the competition..Infact it is relaxing when you are in none.I myself will say most moms are working harder than me and good for them.No problem at all.

    I just don’t want to be judged for my choices as there is no comparison with any individuals.

    I am just happy with myself.

    BUT...am also confused at my level of contentment.

    Why am I not going out and making money when I can?why am I happy with what I have?everyone around me are so ambitious and killing themself at work and making money and here I am being a traditional homemakers like the fifties and enjoying it? That seems plain wrong in the society today.

    people are expected to be ambitious,driven and powerful.Women are supposed to be a Wonder Woman.When people talk about choices..why isn’t homemaking a choice?I never said it was the best choice and it is a choice loved by me.

    Am I super busy all the time?NO.but there is always something to do and something I enjoy doing,love being at home as it feels like my paradise.

    Am I curbing myself and not exploring myself by not working outside?

    Are all the people really passionate about what they do apart from the money?My family talks as though they enjoy what they are doing but I only see them sulk and unhappy. Some are genuinely happy about what they are doing.

    However..they all claim they feel validated through money.

    it’s quite easy to just go out and make some money,society also will shut up and leave me alone,all these talks about am this and that..

    even if a person is wasting away..why is it others problem? No one is going to give others a single penny..all talks only.Some people truly cross the boundary.The more I talk back..it elevates to a fight and it gets ugly.

    There is like no win win situation..

    I just feel I can never prove my life to anyone!

    they have decided am wasting away but inwardly am screaming it’s not the case.I cannot even explain.

    so maybe I felt..if I make money..will it validate me and to others that am living useful?

    I do not care for Approval but Acceptance that people like me can also exist.

    the generalized notion that women who stay at home with bigger kids are lazy,wasting away,incapable does not feel right.it is a choice based on each ones personality,situations and interests.the judgements and generalizations are worst for any situation.


    I have also worked,earned money and been awarded as the best employee etc..

    I can do it again but I want to do it in my in my terms.


    Also..it’s like kids will feel good and be better in life only if the mom is working and she is a role model.My mom and my mil were non working women and we turned out to be alright.My husband treats me with love and respect and kudos to my Mil.That I have to agree.

    There are many moms in my neighborhood whose kids are doing wonderful and they are homemakers.


    Am sure the same goes to working moms and their kids also turned out to be amazing despite having an hectic life.Kudos to them.

    However..who started all these generalizations? How one should live?what is right?

    In the end..due to peer pressure half the population are in medications.

    it just irritates when people just don’t seem to get it that one person’s life is not the same as the other.

    social media made it the worst.

    I also realize I need to accept this is how society works and also fully accept who I am.

    for that..i need to be clear of something first..

    is monetizing the only way to prove that a person is useful? Do we always have to get something back in return? what about those people who never contributed in terms of money or career?don't they have a right to feel deserving, worthy and happy?
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2021
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  8. hrastro

    hrastro Finest Post Winner

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    @anika987 dear! I get you.... I was you just a few years ago... I could have written this post word for word a few years ago (I am naturally a very positive person, but during some of my low points I have felt this way)

    I promise you - you will never regret the time spent on yourself and your family....

    DO NOT engage with those who speak about your "value"... You can NEVER EVER make people happy with you!

    You think working women don't hear this ? - A pulmologist = lung doctor I know was accused of concentrating on her career at the cost of her relationship with her husband and son (during covid, the son is 16 - not a baby!!) - When she was telling me this, I could see the pain in her eyes...
    Another friend, a working woman was accused of "enjoying life" while her kid studied in a hostel - the kid is an 18 year old !!

    You think other SAHM dont go through this - "You do nothing at home, why can't you even do this?" "Why did you study and waste a seat, some other man would have been enabled to support his family" "Don't you feel ashamed that you're so educated and still not helping your husband" "Nowadays all houses need to have 2 earning members, otherwise you wont be able to educate your kids" "Your kids wont respect you if you are not working"

    I have actually been accused of not loving my husband because I didnt know his shirt size!!! "What - you never checked when you washed his clothes? You don't love him?" True story!!

    Where do these people come from??!!

    The same person who accused you of staying at home and being dependent on husband would advocate and insist on the same for her own sister/friend/herself....Absolute hypocrites !

    Do you really need to listen to these people and confuse yourself?

    The best way to escape it is to get busy and remain busy - that will give YOU no time to hear unnecessary comments on you !! Let them continue to talk behind you. You go ahead and find other people to become friends with!

    I spend time learning stuff - Over the years I have become expert in so many subjects that everyone approaches me for advice on many topics ... I am called the "database" in my friends circle ! They joke about "switch on parenting" or "now switch on college reviews" or "lets talk carnatic music" or "I have doubt in Sanskrit" or "any ideas for a physics project"! It is always "let's ask HR"!!!

    Even those who accused me of "Buying my degrees for 2000 Rs" route their request through others for my advice !

    About money - I would say - it is not only how you make money, it is also about how you save the money and make it grow.
    Do what you love - money will come - if not now, it will come in a few years...

    In another year or so, my nest will be empty - I already have so many plans and all my study of the past few years + the network of like-minded people I have built + courses on various topics + customer groups I've developed and maintained - all these will enable me to start a business - will I start ? I don't know! But I know I wont be idle ! I will do what makes ME feel fulfilled and satisfied!

    Dont worry about these people @anika987 ! Do what makes you happy! Do what is right for YOU and YOUR family!

    Keep smiling
    HR
     
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  9. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Love you hrasto! Thanks for this.

    Everyone goes through this..I am trying to make myself stronger and I feel it already..

    just some Patchwork due to self doubts :)

    My counselor is awesome Too..

    I just felt bad that I need to go through counseling .that much mental torture my family gave but I feel it is a good thing and it gives me clarity.

    Many are into Medications!

    I feel only we can save ourselves! Sooner the better.
     
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  10. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Infact.. I don’t mind getting back to work again but only when I feel it is right for my situation and family.I will never do it out of peer pressure that’s for sure.I can never feel good that way.that’s a sure way for medications:)
     
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