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is money everything in life???

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by goodartist, Feb 12, 2010.

  1. goodartist

    goodartist New IL'ite

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    :hiya everyone.

    I am bringing my issue here for the first time. I have been following threads like crazy over some time and thought of putting this up here to know what exactly Ilites would advise me.


    I have been married since 10yrs and have 2 lovely kids. I met my dh in a seminar, we liked each other initially, finally fell in love and married.
    I have a degree in arts and crafts along with my other academic degrees. I will limit my discussion to my art field here.
    I am a good artist. It is not me saying this, my paintings speak for me. Dh loves them too. Initially, inlaws liked my paintings but now they think it is no use when you cannot make money using them.
    I was very clear with dh from the beginning that come what may I am not selling my paintings. My art is not for sale. If at all there comes a day where we cannot make one square meal then I may consider that option to feed my kids but not otherwise. My art is my life, my pride and I cannot sell it when there is no need for money.
    When inlaws were here or even when we were in India, people would comment on how lovely my art is and how much money I can make. Somehow I guess inlaws got influenced by that and now they have influenced dh too. He started that talk. It has gone to the extent how I can put up on ebay and make money. GOSH!! I hate to do that. Thank God dh makes enough money to feed us.

    Whenever, I start any painting, I am all over it. I forget the housework, any other stuff other than my painting. I generally do not start till I get the mood and once started I cannot concentrate on anything else. Those times I neglect housework, cooking and cleaning. Dh gets upset these days. I told him I cannot have a routine, set amount of time in a day where I will work on my art, that does not work with me at all. Whenever I get that mood, I have to do it leaving other work behind. Dh wants me to have specific timetable for everything. I cannot work in that kind of timeframes, such structured settings. Some night when I cannot fall asleep, I start doodling and the whole night goes by ....I never knew there by next day I am very tired. I cannot just help it. Before marriage my parents understood my temperment and did not bother me. All these years dh cooperated too and I felt I was very lucky but now he doesn't understand me anymore. Also, this weird idea of selling my work is making me sad too. I think some people think that everything got to have a price tag or else it is useless.
    Is money everything in life??

    What do you all suggest/advise??
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2010
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    goodartist,

    What are you going to do with those paintings?Ok as long as you there you can save them but after may be your kids can save for some time but after that no more.
    Especially art is always good to wide spread.It may not be for just money but for lot of other reasons.
    I think when you don't have kids it will be different thing.Suppose if you husband had some habit and he doesn't earn anything from it and spend time on it ,then what would be your reaction?
    I beleive your husband has been very nice for last 10 years.If my husband,even if I open computer for 10minutes by stopping some work,he would go mad.
    Why don't you give a try and see how it goes.When the kids grow older and you need lot of money for education.Suppose in case of emergency(I am not hoping but in real life anything could happen) you should able to stand on your legs right.Since you are a women and you may not have pressure to earn some money but what If you were a men?
    Think practically.Yes money is very important part of life.
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2010
  3. goodartist

    goodartist New IL'ite

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    Priya, Till last year I have been working but since we moved to a different place and bought new house here, I quit since work place is far. I can go back to work anytime. I may wait till after summer this year since we planned to go to India for whole of kids summer break. But once back I will go back to work. Dh is not much concerned whether I have a job or not. He never told me to either go or stay back from work.
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    goodartist,

    How old are your kids?Then it's not about the money.You have been working and you just take a break.Leave about your in-laws comments.
    But you need to consider your husband situation.I think he is getting frustated with something else.Just may be the house work.Anyhow you don't have much interest to do any other things with your painting.
    If you are kids are small like 5 years then for time being concentrate more on house work.When they get older then you may get more free time and you can regain your habit.
    Why don't you give a try and see how it goes in eBay.If it is really hurtful then stop it and explain your emotions to your husband.
    He may not after the money but he may not able to see the house and kids if it was not taken care and express his frustation this way.
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2010
  5. goodartist

    goodartist New IL'ite

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    Kids are 8 and 4. I have seen that dh and inlaws are OK if kids are left in day care or after school care with some outsider when I go for work but even if it is 15 mins delay in my serving them dinner or if it is past 2 weeks and bathrooms are not cleaned then I am taken as a careless mom or a crazy person who runs behind her useless passion.
    I think the whole menatility of people is such that you make money then you are respected but not if you are passionate about something which cannot make money. I know my art can make atleast some money but I always consider it close to my heart and cannot part with it.
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    goodartist,

    You agree or not but that is reality.Even I have 2 small daughters but I rather like to work than in home.Because I can't take that treatment from my husband.If I work then he will help in all ways.If not I have to work 24/7 in home and will not get any help from them.But that is life.
    Were you spending more time than before on your paintings?
    Somwhow you are so attached to that.No one can seperate you from your painting.Whatever you feel is on the papers.But no can take away your artist nature which is in your soul.
    Here are two things you can relate is body and soul.The artist is inside you and no one can seperate.Whatever you draw on paper is like your body.If you could able to see difference between both of them then you can try atleast putting something on eBay.I don't know how much collection you have it though.
    If you can't do then after summer then look for job.Meanwhile try to be little low on your paining.

    More thing to add.

    I beleive when you are working your husband has satisfaction of getting another pay check and might not be much worried about your work and might not have other complaints.
    Since he is not getting another pay check now so kind of frustated inside and would like to show some other way and also once you are at home the expecations will increase on housekeeping.
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2010
  7. deepshikha

    deepshikha Senior IL'ite

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    Dear goodartist, your's is a typical artists' dillema, to stay in your own world or to keep pace with the real world!
    I think more important issue here is not whether you sell your painting or not, but your domestic life. We all know how artists are, they need their own time to come up with their creations. But you are also a mother and a wife. You say your husband did cooperate in the initial years and kept up with your artistic temperament. But now your kids must be growing and if you get so engrossed in your art that you neglect your home and kids, then definitely your husband will get upset. Try to take a break and concetrate on your home and kid for a while and see how your husband reacts to it. Don't neglect your house and show it to your husband that he and the family is as important to you as your art work.
    If money is not an issue, try to get some home help who can take care of your domestic life while you want to work at your art.
     
  8. scorpiogal

    scorpiogal Senior IL'ite

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    HI goodartist

    I know how it feels to not tppart with your paintings .but besides being artist your are a mom ,wife and also a homemaker .You need to priortise things .whether you sell or keep your paintings is upto to you .That doesnot bother anyone one or your DH .but painting all night longand not doing your duties as mom and wife is not accepatable at all .Yes setting a time table is very important when you are part of a family .If you are single then you can live at your own pace .You need to come out of the euphoria and step into the real world .Nobody is going to find a problem with your passion as long as it doesnot bother them
     
  9. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    goodartist, I faced a similar comment "what good is all this talent if you cannot make money from it". By any stretch of imagination I am not a talented artist or anything but do things around the house to make it warm,nice,beautiful and more importantly because I just love it. Ok the intention is not to speak about me, but it takes forever for one to digest these comments and still keep doing!!

    I am sure it bothers you that your DH has also joined others and offering a similar opinion. As we grow, people are growing too and changing, the surroundings and circumstances shaping them. Let us give your husband that benefit of doubt.

    I know you posted here so that you can get an answer for how can your DH also change and should everything have a monetary value? I do not have answers to both the questions but here are my thoughts.

    There are a couple of ways for you to be involved with your passion - I am sure you don't want to sell for whatever reasons, but have you considered giving your paintings as presents, not the ones that are already done but make something and present it, for a special reason or an occassion for a special person, friend,neighbor, family etc. I have a relative who makes a drawing and gets them printed/copied on real good paper and sends as new year cards every year.

    The other option you should seriously explore is teaching art since you have a degree - may be in a community college, part time basis etc. This I am sure you will enjoy very much. You can also explore after school programs in your kids' school - I don't know if you have heard, there are a couple of programs like 'young rembrandts', 'art sonia' etc which offers these kind of programs and you could sign up with them. Ofcourse this will work if you are interested in teaching as well - but it is a real good way of keeping up with your passion as well as being with kids and managing family. Since your passion is really more important to you than making money (you could quit working to stay home but your art and your passion for it is intact)you should find creative ways of keeping it alive. I totally understand when you say your passion envelopes you - you are very lucky belive me. You just need to find a middle ground which will help you retain that - because right now you do have to think of family but you will need your passion when kids grow up and you have more time on your hands. I hope this answers your dilemma a little bit atleast.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2010
  10. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Goodartist

    The devoted wife and mother whose family is her first priority is just one model of womanhood. It may be the predominant and most desirable feature of women in our community, but that does not mean it is for everyone, or that to deviate from it is a transgression.

    To be that perfect wife and mother, you basically have to be on 24-hour call for your family. As a matter of necessity, this does not allow you to be genuinely passionate or devoted to anything else, especially something as personal and consuming as art.

    As I have said, some women with families manage to balance family life with their talents, interests, work, or hobbies. However, it is expected that your family will always come first, especially in our community. I won't pass judgement on whether this is right or wrong, since I believe that as individuals, we have to make our own choices in this matter.

    However, I do feel your pain and understand your viewpoint. It must hurt you to be judged so harshy for something that you love to do. If your family needs more money, then perhaps it is time to take Srama's great advice and turn a profit from your passion. If your children are starving, your house is infested with vermin because you don't clean it, or your husband misses his wife and partner because you spend more time on your hobby than on him, then perhaps it's time to take stock, and make some changes.

    From what you have written, things do not seem to have degenerated to that point, yet. However, it seems your husband is not happy with the way things are. It is possible he doesn't understand the artistic temperament, or that he himself is overwhelmed with responsibilities and cannot pick up the slack when you are lost in your own world. Whatever the case, it is not about who is right and wrong, but how you can together work on a solution and compromise that pleases everyone.

    The one thing I would advise, though, is not to let what your in-laws think affect you too much. One of the best ways to achieve happiness is to develop a thick skin. We cannot really control what others think of us and what we do, but we can control how much we let those thoughts and attitudes affect us. Do not give their input too much weight. You are an adult, and your life is yours to live as you and your husband see fit. Their opinions are to be considered, but do not take their approval or condemnation as a gospel truth to be followed.

    Your thread title question is an interesting one - the sad truth is, for many people, as you state, anything that cannot be turned into financial gain is not given much respect. Again, it is a matter of opinion. My opinion is, although we certainly need money to survive, we do not need lots of money to be happy. Maybe some people do, and that's their prerogative. But I do not think anyone has a right to foist that opinion on someone else. I don't lecture people who like and respect money and rich people, and I won't tolerate a vice versa lecture either.

    As a final word, let me say that I have no artistic talent whatsoever - nil. I do, however, have very clean bathrooms and my family gets three nutritious meals, on time, every day. Quite honestly, I'd gladly trade in my clean house and well-fed family for some sort of unique talent that was all mine. In 10 or 15 years from now, I suspect your children will not feel or think that you neglected them, didn't love them, or were a bad mother because sometimes, the bathroom wasn't cleaned or meals were a little late coming.

    However, 10 or 15 years from now, you might regret ignoring your natural inclinations to paint; you may feel that you were forced to suppress these urges; and you may feel a tad resentful that you lost touch with such an integral part of yourself for the sake of a family who's now flown the coop (a common empty-nest dilemma, as Srama points out). Don't feel so guilty for indulging in your talent. Work out a practical compromise that pleases everyone, including yourself. No one necessarily has to be a sacrificial lamb in this scenario. Good luck!

    P.S. Scientific research has shown that husbands and children can do housework too, and survive the ordeal ;)
     

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