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Is Mil Not Accepting Me??

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by poi098, Oct 8, 2017.

  1. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    It's very difficult to manage 12 hours job and do cooking as well. Some of my friends are suffering so much, some of them work in very hectic corporate jobs, sending hard earned money to in-laws from joint account, and also forced to do cooking and not allowed to keep maid at home. Just look at the positive side of your marriage and don't get into cooking unless you are sure you can handle it...
    If you want to cook something nice for yourself and husband , you can do it on special occasions by declaring to him beforehand , and serve him directly, without giving chance to MIL to interfere. Try to do these on festivals/holidays, in full view of your husband, before MIL gets a chance to spoil your plans. Involve your husband, by asking his suggestions on taste/spice etc On those occasions, make some special dishes that he will remember rather than getting into everyday cooking as a full time responsibility . If you get into full time cooking , you won't be able to handle a hectic career and your job will suffer a lot, as well as your health, fertility everything will go for a toss.
    The tomato rice incident was very bad, and surely your MIL doesn't have good intentions. But do not think your husband will think you can't do anything. I'm sure he admires you enough for how hard you work in your career, and it will benefit him only right? In the initial years of marriage, avoid confronting MIL directly , instead once you are settled into career and have more free time, you can start getting involved in cooking more.
     
  2. Kukudukuu

    Kukudukuu Silver IL'ite

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    This sounds so much like my mil.. no point in wasting your time and energy for her..we are not here to impress others who are not worthy of it. We have to first feel happy about being what we are. See if you can cook for yourself. But I won't suggest that since she will come up with something else.. or if you find it difficult, see if you can move closer to your work place..
     
  3. memeera1234

    memeera1234 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    Some ladies are like that. Your description of your MIL reminds me of mine. When I was newly married, and at my in-laws house for the initial few days, like any new DIL, I tried my hand in the kitchen to create an impression on hubby and in-laws. I was not an expert cook but a decent one. Whenever I cooked, my in-laws, hubby and all at home appreciated my cooking. But around a week after, one day my MIL said " whenever my son comes on leave for a few days, I like to cook for him with my hand. My poor son gets so few days to eat from his mother's hands". In short she meant that since her DS ( my DH ) had just visited her for a few days, she wanted to cook for him. She wanted to feed him food cooked by her. I clearly understood the indication and moved aside. Since then, I became an assistant to her. I did all odd jobs to help like chopping veggies, washing utensils etc. Every year we visit her for 10-15 days on vacation and since last 10 years, it had been so. I am a dutiful assistant to her. In this way, she is happy feeding her son and I get my much needed break from cooking.

    Also I am of the view that every lady of the kitchen has her set of rules. Like I like my kitchen spotless clean and each and every dirty utensil cleaned before going to bed. It's what I have been following since begining. But at my in-laws house, my MIL leaves kitchen as it is after cooking and leaves used utensils as it is overnight. It's the practice she had been following. When she came to our place, she didn't like it when I washed all the utensils and cleaned the kitchen. She wanted me to follow her way and leave kitchen and utensils uncleaned which obviously I didn't appreciate and was not comfortable with. To each their own..Their own set of rules and practices.
    What I would say is let her have her way. It's in one way nice for you. You can get some time for yourself after a hectic day. Take it in that way and enjoy your free time. Very few working ladies get such luxury.
     
  4. Anisu

    Anisu Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Its the possessiveness of your MIL and her insecurity which is not allowing you to cook or do any work. Dont think too much about it. But as someone has said rightly, do offer help to her. Some day she will get tired and your chance to cook will come. Have some patience and enjoy the free time you get. Try to make some dish apart from what your MIL cooks during weekends. During weekend spend time with your hubby.Plan for weekend getaways so that you get some private time with your hubby.
     
  5. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    She basically is a control freak. It's not you it's her.
    I would suggest
    1 let her cook you enjoy eating ready meals before and after tiring day at work.
    But sometimes make something for yourself tell them not ask say I desperately want to eat so and so dish made by ME. make it serve yourself with rest of lunch/dinner made by her and enjoy like you are entitled to. Also ask everyone if they want some just once. Don't insist. This will establish your control over your food.
    2. Buy whatever you like for your room whenever you feel like. This will give you some peace of mind and feeling of belonging.
    Rest as someone suggested keep asking in front of husband and fill. Don't request or complain just neutrally ask should I help with something?
    Be happy
     
  6. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Its obvious that she is feeling insecure. But I would say , make use of this insecurity since you are already working. As others suggested, ask if she needs help in the presence of your DH and FIL. Also whenever you prepare something, in the presence of your DH and FIL, tell her not to give away the food to maid , but to keep in fridge so that you will eat it later. Ensure that the men in the house know that she is reluctant to eat your food. If you do it once or twice, they will know who is at fault and will never taunt you about not cooking.

    There is another option to make her let you cook. Just keeping asking if she needs help, if she declines slowly start asking her to do so n so dishes, and start making demands that either your DH is asking you to cook this or that you like that particular dish. Let her feel the irritation when she is ordered to cook a particular menu. Mostly in that case, she will openly blurt out that she cant do those and ask you to do them if you want.

    But my personal suggestion will be, if she is already cooking well,like if her food is tasty enough dont disturb this setup..Just enjoy the free time and relax..
     
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  7. poi098

    poi098 Bronze IL'ite

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    I already do what most of you guys suggested. I am enjoying this free time. I also ask her politely every single day, she always says no. I clean the utensils also. and do other small things. But she is really strange, i feel to avoid me having to cook, she makes food when she knows i can't. like she makes lunch at 9 am (we eat at 2 pm) and she makes dinner at 5 pm ( we eat at 9pm)....
    i don't over think about it. How ever I knew this topic was going to be brought up - and taunts would follow.
    There has not been a single day when i didn't ask MIL - should i do something? What should i do? She always says NO. or asks sarcastically 'what will *you* do ?' some times she got irritated as i got in the kitchen when she was in kitchen. But i do cook at every opportunity that i get, when MIL is not home and something is to be made, i do it. i know i wouldn't be allowed to do much when she is home, so i do it when she is out. But when she tastes my food - she always always always criticises it. I'm an average cook. she is excellent cook plus she has so much experience.
    At last that day of taunting came today. Basically she had gone out in the evening, i asked her while she was leaving, should i do something - she said no. I will make chips when i come home (for sabji). i took that opportunity and made a proper sabji. while serving to hubby she taunted 'she knows how to make everything, but she doesn't make...' , i was like WHAT THE HELL!!!! thankfully hubby already knows the truth and it won't bother him much. but i feel so annoyed that she had the balls to say this!! if i ask you , you always say NO. and then u claim i don't do anything! MILs , i tell you !!
     
  8. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Actually you could have made use of this opportunity to ask her how she could say such a thing when she was the person who never let you cook..It would have been better at this instance because even your DH knows what is happening and she cannot bluff...It is not just about DH understanding you and your intentions..You must be in a position to justify yourself when you have not committed any mistake..

    Btw..how did you react to her statement?
     
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  9. poi098

    poi098 Bronze IL'ite

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    I didn't say anything. I was so shocked that I couldn't react.
    I don't confront or argue with her anyway. My mom always says, why don't you reply to her? You should say something. May be i should start.
     
  10. poi098

    poi098 Bronze IL'ite

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    Just now i came to know she is such a control freak. She told me to do pooja, and then when she saw the rangoli i had put, she rubbed it saying "This isn't how you do it" , and drew it all over again. I had drawn it exactly the way she does it. But ofcourse two hands will draw out differently na.
    Then when i was putting clothes to dry on the rack, she says no this is the wrong place, this cloth doesn't go here. There is a place for everyones clothes. Otherwise they will wear each others clothes (How is that ever possible to wear each others clothes) I was like.. .WTF , there are just three ropes, who cares what goes where? If its not on rope no. 1, it will be on the other two ropes!! You don't have to go saat samundar paar to search for your clothes.
    She is such a control freak and drains her energy in such useless things. Is there a thread for such MIL behaviours?? I wish to read others or if i'm the only one.
     

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