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Is Married Life Any Easier Abroad?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Dec 21, 2018.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    im just seeing a trend of many of my classmates, friends , and few ladies in my extended family circle opting to get married to NRIs..( US, Australia, New Zealand, Germany , Canada etc).. Even if it requires them to make adjustments and compromises in their career..
    I'm born n brought up in India and settled here..
    When I asked each of them the reason for opting to marry NRI, I mean apart from money factor ( they would have got good alliance from guys residing in India with good salary also ) ,
    They said that they want to live abroad so that they won't have interference of in laws..
    And they said that they have seen the pains and troubles of living in joint family setup India from other known people so want to be away from that..they are ok with elders just visiting once a while and managing their home, family life, household responsibilities, kids, childcare etc on their own..
    Was wondering if there is any truth to what they are saying?
    I mean, my friend who lives abroad got a good job there after a small career break post marriage..I asked just asked her why she married NRI guy..,she said she has total freedom there to wear what she likes, attend any late night parties, drink alcohol, hang on with whom ever she wants, plan impromptu vacations, have fun with husband and friends....she wants to wait for a few years to try for kids, if she was in India everyone would have nagged her regarding TTC plans, she is well away from all that..she said that when she briefly stayed with in laws for a month she experienced joint family setup and is so grateful that her husband got foreign opportunity now they are going to get citizenship also shortly..
    She is happy that she doesn't have to stay with n laws, cook for them, dress traditionally, entertain guests, adjust with them, compromise on privacy etc..
    One more older relative has 4 SILs in India..she said they are very interfering in nature , and she just makes a Skype call to each of them once a week, and a courtesy visit to India for two weeks once a year..
    She says she is damn lucky she doesn't have to live in India , as she does not get along well with her MIL..her MIL is very elderly and very ill...and being looked after by SILs who are staying in nearby locations..she says , as the only DIL of the family, she would have been forced to be a full time nurse and caretaker for her MIL had she been in India..she keeps herself busy with her career and kids education and uses that as a reason not to come to India much or involve much in family matters or elderly care..even in case of emergencies she doesn't bother helping out..her husband who is very attached to his wife is very supportive of everything she does..
    Neither can anyone expect her to take her MIL to the US as her MIL's frail health doesn't allow for long travels....
    I don't judge any of them..all have right to live their life...I'm not all concerned about their personal matters..
    Recently one of my relative was advising me to somehow try to go and try to settle abroad and not to settle in India ...I never gave a thought as I'm used to Indian culture and I never longed for abroad culture..Anyways I'm settled in India only....she was talking to me generally as a well wisher that's all...but her words surely made me to think..
    I just want to get a clearer perspective on this...do married ladies living and settled abroad really escape from the interference of in laws and get more freedom than married ladies settled in India?
    Or is this a misconception?
    Kindly no harsh or judgemental replies please...I'm asking as general question only, as a woman who dint experience life abroad..
    vjan29 likes this.

  2. AppuMom

    AppuMom Gold IL'ite

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    This depends on one's spouse. If someone has a spouse from hell who is not understanding/caring and physically or mentally torturing,India or abroad life will be miserable.There are lot of people abroad (mama's boys) and their wives are struggling with no immediate family around for support.
    So this all depends on many factors .Living abroad doesnt guarantee marital happiness.
    vjan29, sheztheone, sindmani and 6 others like this.
  3. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Though it depends on case to case, atleast to an extent, what your friends told is very true that there is no much interference with inlaws.
    It’s definitely not misconception!
    These days most of the ladies work even in abroad, so they get some freedom in various things like cooking , dressing style, too much interference with inlaws etc.
    There will be no one to ask the way you dress, the way you cook and so on...
    I have seen some ladies( not all) cooking for the whole week on weekends, so that they can get some rest on weekdays after hectic schedules from work. But I don’t think the same is possible when you are with inlaws in India. So they get at least some freedom and me time.
    But unlike India you don’t get maids so easily unless you shell some amounts of money, so as far as possible they try to minimise household work.
    vjan29, sindmani, Sunshine04 and 5 others like this.
  4. Gallant

    Gallant Silver IL'ite

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    The other side of the hill is always green...one or other problems are there everywhere.
    No matter, wherever our people go and how long ever they live there, they live like the way they live in India only...their habits never change.
    sindmani, Mehana, anika987 and 2 others like this.
  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    I agree with @AppuMom. Living abroad doesn't provide everyone a happy or easy married life . It all depends on the couple. There are many who live in India enjoying everything when they live separately from PILS or parents. If husband is one with patriarchal mind set and moma's boy, issues will never stop even if you live in another country. But you get the privacy you need.(read many posts in relationship forum)

    But, I agree with you in one aspect, the interference of in laws and relatives. Here no one is worried about other's personal life or decisions. That's the big relief. But the same Inlaws can create issues through phone, thats another fact. I talked to many Indian ladies here as I was contemplating to going back as I miss India. They all said the same, the issue with PILS and freedom resulting from it as the reason not to go back. But many feel that they are not helping parents well, miss the colours of Indian life. Some feel that they give up their career to be a SAHM here.

    FREEDOM - yes. You are your own. That's a plus point. You can live your life the way you want it . Also high living standards , lack of corruption in low levels etc. in developing countries.

    But it comes with pluses, minuses &challenges. Its not rosy as you think, all the time. If one is married to an NRI with GC or citizenship, spouse can work. But if that is not the case, you cannot work and its tough to live alone within the four walls of home. But it also depends on the location, social life etc. Sometimes, salary of husband alone may not be enough to lead a very comfortable life, especially in a big city.In that a case you have to live in one bed room small apartment, not like you have imagined. I noticed that Indians will never given up their Indian mind set so easily. But one can find ways to over come the issues if they try. Its not easy to get help to do household jobs. As its expensive you need to do almost everything by yourself or should have the money to outsource. But the system here is build in such a way that one can do everything by them selves if they want to.

    If one is married to the right person, you can make even a hut in India the heaven on Earth. But if you married to the wrong guy, a mansion in USA will be like hell on Earth. It all depends on the people involved.
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2018
    vjan29, Jey, sheztheone and 10 others like this.
  6. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Like two sides of the coin.. Everything will have few advantages and few. Disadvantages. What ur friend said maybe true but few others maybe missing parents and immediate family ,few feel guilty of not taking care of elderly parents . It's depends what one's priority is at that point of time .
  7. Greenbay

    Greenbay Gold IL'ite

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    I am the only one in my immediate family and extended family living in US . My wife's brother lives in Dubai and my sisters are in India. My parents are no longer in our lives. My in-laws live in India but have visited us just thrice and their stays are just 4-6 weeks.

    There are pros and cons of living in US. There is no dust in US if you live in suburbs. So couple can clean the house/yard just once a week. Dishwashers, washer/Dryer work more efficiently than India, so majority of the household work can be done without hiring maids. There are lot of indian food makers for affordable price and you can ask them to prepare without oil and they accommodate your requests. It is healthier and more affordable than going to restaurants. But if you hire help for cleaning even once a week, it costs more than maintaining maids in India on daily basis. If you hire yard help, it costs more than owning your own lawn-mowers or leaf-blowers.

    Life runs predictably in US. But there are many occasions I miss India even after living in US over a decade. Especially the festival vibe or the convenience of a trusted household member watching your kids. Due to close guarded nature of US residents, one cannot develop deep friendships in work places even if you have worked with the team for long and know the team very well. Most friendships you developed during university days fizzle out once you start working or once they become busy parents themselves.

    Working and staying in US is good if people hail from poor and lower income families as accumulation of wealth is quicker as those people would not have inherited any wealth from their ancestors/parents. Within 5-10 years of working (especially if one is DINK*), one can build a substantial net wealth in Indian rupees. (Also one can make quick accumulation if you get lucky in IPOs while working in tech startups). But if you belong to a very rich family and grown up with comforts and household help, life in US can be tough. That's why you don't see lot of high net worth families immigrating from India. Most (if not all) usually come from humble roots and have risen due to their hard work and occasionally due to luck of being at the right place at the right time/ at the right technology.

    DINK- Double Income couple with No Kids
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2018
    vjan29, sindmani, poovai and 3 others like this.
  8. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Honestly..in my case atleast I feel marriage is easier in america.

    Yes..as your friend said my freedom to do what I want,dressing,more money etc etc everything I get in USA which otherwise I will never get in India.

    I love India and I miss the food and parents but trust me with regards to in-laws and freedom..hands down it’s America for me but again each one’s spouse and how they behave,interests are different.
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2018
    vjan29, Needtobestrong and shravs3 like this.
  9. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    In my experience, life and marriage are what you make of them.

    An independent, strong, confident DiL won't put up with abuse wherever she may be.

    Some in-laws not only visit, but also move in permanently. And bring their other kids with them.

    Not necessarily, no.
    vjan29, Needtobestrong and kkrish like this.
  10. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Finest Post Winner

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    With Skype, FaceTime, WhatsApp, fb and wifi, the relatives and inlaws interference is much.
    Maybe a decade or 5-8 yrs ago with no 3G4G life of NRI DiLs were good .
    If you put any pic in social media, be in changing your profile pic or status. People interfere.
    1) financial part
    If you come from 2 sons family with one son in living near or with parents. All expenses wrt inlwas would be NRI son.
    Same in case of sil, all SIL kids, ritual , gold silver, shagun, gifts and thier emergency non emergency funding would be NRI son.
    NRI son is expected to send money every month even when he is single income with family.
    I have seen, done I stopped buying organic milk and organic fruits they were costing 100$ extra, which I had to send to inlaws my DH is the breadwinner.
    During Thanksgiving in US and shopping fest in Dubai - relatives bug you out .
    People tend to think in abroad $, €¥ grow in tree.
    If one earns in $$$ spends in $$$ too.
    Rent in big cities huge.

    2) emotional part
    Inlaws keep asking you if you cook daily what where why how questions. Unless your mil sil aren't God sent ones.
    They want to see grandkid whole day in Skype , sometimes single session goes for 4 hrs.
    It all depends on the husband if he is good understanding guy no problem. Momms boy it's same India / abroad doesn't matter.many MIL ask what you do whole day if not working , if going out on weekends they will ask 100 questions.
    3) no household help, immediate Indian food when sick. I had severe cold fever for 2 weeks I had no option , my DH cook min. I cried many times thinking in India if you can get food in jiffy. Food part is tough if you don't live in big cities , and most European countries are like this.
    Not everyone can hire 50$ per hr cleaning mostly by yourself you have to clean.
    4) with no GC, work permit one can't work. It really takes a toll on health
    5) one part is correct you can wear whatever you want, eat,drink. Go out come late. No one gives a damn.
    6) one has to leave all long last friendships, close family. One will feel alone terrible in first few years.
    7) health care in US, Canada & Europe
    Appointments with doc will take long time.
    Unlike India immediate doctor and medicine availability.

    Ultimately if you have good career, good husband, non interfering in laws - India is best. If you can get citizenship, work permit to other countries give a try. Traveling makes a person rich with experiences.
    You will see good people despite huge cultural , racial, religion, color difference.

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